Dirty 30!!!

I am not sure if I am supposed to feel any different, however, the only change I feel began a few days ago.My goal this year is to rediscover who I am. I think that through the natural course of events we call life, I got so focused on the tasks at hand that I lost sight of who I was and eventually was unable to recognize her anymore. There were faint shimmers of who she was but not enough to spark a flame, for me to say, "there you are! I missed you. Welcome back" My focus of this year is the new chapter of my life I have already begun. I will not allow myself to lose sight of those things that are ever so increasingly important to me. I will always appreciate my inner calm & foster it as a way of personal growth. I will surround myself with edifying people who encourage & inspire me to be the very best me that I can. I will make all my "somedays" happen today! We never know when we will get the chance if we wait. 30 for me is a new adventure & the best one yet! I am ridding my life of all the toxic waste in it... all the drama, all the people who drag me down, all the things that were the cause of me losing sight of who I am. I am going to continue to grow & change & appreciate everything & everyone who comes across my path. I will stop to smell the roses & I will learn who I am & grow with all the new things I allow myself to learn & be taught. The links on the chain have been broken & can't be reforged.

On A Roll

With this recent reminder that I am not a quitter, I am also beginning a new project... well, an old, unfinished project.. I am going to graduate! & by that, I mean high school. I pulled the paperwork out of the closet, dusted off the books & have begun to look through everything. I have contacted the school & found that I only have 5 more subjects to complete before I can graduate. I am on a mission!

Bonds

It is often said that love is the tie that binds. I believe the same can be said of friendship. I think that friendship is the true tie that binds. It has been said that love risks degenerating into obsession or becoming something unhealthy. Love can not only turn into obsession, but it can also turn to hate. With friendship, it is nothing more than the purest form of love, in my opinion. A true friend only ever wants what is best for you. They want to see you succeed & become the best you that you can offer to the world. Love comes and goes... or, maybe changes would be the better word, but true friendship lasts a lifetime & beyond.

When & why does love change? Is it because we change? Is it because we grow together or apart or not at all? When does the love become unhealthy? How do you determine if is has? Drawing on my own past experiences, I think that love is at the root of all true friendships & regardless of the outcome & how it effects or even affects you, true love & friendship will always want what is best for the other.

In a non romantic manor of speaking, does the same apply? I think it does. I think that if you love someone on any level, you are going to want that person to be the best they can. You are going to see the potential in them, even if they don't necessarily see it for themselves. I think that a true friend doesn't always do something only to expect something else in return. If you see a friend in need, the natural reaction would be to help them any way you could. No questions asked, you just help and be there for them. The particular situation I am discussing is a friend who has so much to offer the world but she is so bogged down with the weight of the world on her shoulders that she has lost sight of herself & her hopes & dreams. She is also going through a breakup which most people don't seem to understand. I have offered to have her come stay with me to regain her bearings & focus on herself for a while. Why would I offer this many people may ask. I suppose it is because I feel her pain & I know somewhat about what she is going through & the pain she is experiencing. I can relate. I also know that a little kindness can go a long way. I know that when I was in a tight spot, I found people who truly & genuinely loved me. These people banded together & helped me without question & when they knew I had nothing to offer them in return. I admired them & always felt that if a friend of mine was in trouble in any way, shape or form, that I would help them out in any way I could. Do I expect anything in return? Absolutely not! Only that she use the time to better herself. Of course, as I mentioned to her, it is partly selfish on my part. I will be glad to have an amazing friend here with me.

Speaking of bonds, the past year, I have been most fortunate to reconnect with some family that I don't recall ever having met in the past. With my cousin, from the moment we began getting to know each other, I felt like she was a kindred spirit. We have more in common every time I turn around & she has a  great deal of the same thoughts & opinions as I do. I believe we are truly connected on a spiritual plane in amazing way & that the more we learn about each other, the closer we grow. I am not one who trusts all too easily, however, with her, there was never any doubt & I immediately trusted her. I am so thankful for my cousin Erika because she is an amazing & beautiful individual who I cannot wait to get to know better as the time goes on!

Revisiting the Past

I am a ever changing & ever growing work in progress. I believe that, in some ways, I have come full circle, while in others, I am still attempting to navigate the ever so choppy waters. The difference between today & even just a few days ago, is that I have found that inner calm & peace that until now, I was only able to find when it snows.
I have accomplished much more over the past few days that I had since this project began & I am totally unstressed!
Here's to my someday! May you all have a someday full of hopes & dreams & promises... may you not only have all of them, but may you achieve them all as well!

Someday...

As I always seem to bring it up, it bears repeating again. God has truly blessed me with some amazing friends & family. I very recently reconnected with an old friend, & just when I needed it most of all. I have had in the pit of my stomach for weeks now that underlying note of being overwhelmed & being uncertain of so many things. Let me clarify that I am still not certain of a lot of things, however, I was reminded that I am a fighter & I don't ever give up.
I don't want to be a bystander for my own life. I won't keep saying "someday" & continue to let life pass me by. Only I can make my life happen the way I want it to & that is exactly what I intend to do. Beginning today, I am making my someday happen! One step at a time & never giving up is the key to reaching all my dreams & I am more determined than ever.

Snow

I just can't say enough how much I love the snow! The snowfall brings me such a serenity that I cannot describe. It helps me find a calm within that truly allows me peace.
In addition to the current snowfall, I also had some much needed catch up time with the lovely Dayna. =) ♥ She is such an amazing friend & one of my heroes. We chatted about life... about the past, present, & future. I look forward to many more years of a continuously growing friendship & whatever else life might have in store.
On a totally unrelated subject, in the midst of all the chaos of the day, I still get bright spots that show through & shower me with frequent reminders of how much I love my job. =) I have a few patients who make my job totally worth while. First one is a vibrant Canadian who always brings a smile to my face & a laugh to my heart. She is spunky & has the most contagious laugh. The stories she tells are never dull. I always look forward to our encounters. Her daughter is just as lively & people around her can't help but  smile & laugh. Another of my favorite families... to start with, the boys are so incredibly polite. Their mom is undoubtedly one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. She is not only beautiful outside, but she also has one of the most contagious smiles around. She is the epitome of grace & beauty but also is one tough cookie. She is active duty Navy... God Bless her & I am convinced this is one of the reasons I like her so much... She is a firefighter supporter. So much respect goes out to her. She is the real Wonder Woman/ GI Jane! Love it! In fact, when I think about people asking me what celebrities I am looking to to get my inspiration to continue my journey of getting healthy, I realized that I never looked to any celebrities for motivation. Every time this woman comes in, I realize more & more how much she inspires me. She is beautiful, healthy & happy & REAL!!! That is what I want for my life.

Making Headway...

So, last night was the first time I slept in an actual bed in months!!!... not including the handful of times when I was out of town. It was like heaven! In any case, I am slowly but surely making headway with this catastrophe I call a home. If I look at the big picture, I tend to get overwhelmed. My new plan is to break things down say, day by day. Each day, I am going to pick a small task to start & work on it until completed.
I must say, this post was begun at the beginning of the day. It is now nearly 10PM & I am once again so overwhelmed. I know I need to clear my head, but as soon as I open my eyes, I am surrounded by all the chaos & I loose focus & feel the weight begin to crush me.
Temporary meltdown over. Just needing to breathe & attempt to relax.

Acceptance

Love me without fear.
Trust me without doubts.
Love me without restrictions.
Want me without demand.
Accept me how I am...

Recently saw this posted somewhere.

Letting Go...

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring; it 

Means I can’t do it for someone else. 

To “let go” is not to cut myself off; it’s the 

Realization I can’t control another.

To “let go” is not enable, but to allow 

Learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which  

Means the outcome is not in my hands.

To “let go” is not to try to change or blame 

Another, it’s to make the most of myself.

To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.

To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another 

To be a human being.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle, arranging 

All the outcomes, but to allow others to affect 

Their own destinies.

To “let go” is not to be protective, it’s to permit 

Another to face reality.

To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept.

To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but 

Instead to search out my own shortcomings 

And correct them.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my 

Desires, but to take each day as it comes and 

Cherish myself in it.

To “let go” is not the regret the past, but to 

Grow and live for the future.

To “let go” is to fear less and love more.

-Author Unknown

I think we all need to learn to let go... Letting go is a natural & healthy part of life, to some degree. This about sums it up.... I am letting everything go as of this moment. Let go & let God. No matter how overwhelming things might seem, the end is attainable. God will never give you more than you can handle. Of this, I am certain.