Growth

Miya and Xander, you two are the most amazing little beings I am blessed with having in my life! You never fail to teach me new things... about myself, about mothering, about life, about appreciating the little things, about your intuition. :) Today, Xander, you were just coming out of your own. Your feisty side is showing more & more. You are starting more & more to get Miya back for the little things she used to do to you. Last night, I had to laugh. Miya was passed out cold & Elise & I were talking on the couch & you went right over to Miya & picked her up & rolled her right on top of you, then pushed her off. She slept through the entire incident.Then, Elise came by while I was laying you down & you sat right up and began mimicking her. I saw your head bobbling back and forth. I asked her what you were doing. She said nothing and then you chime in saying nothing. You pitch such a fit because you don't want to wear a diaper, but you want to put Miya's underwear on you. Then I do & you are such a happy little clam.
And Miya, you are just thriving! You wake up my beautiful sunshiny girl chatting away about Xander sleeping & Elise sleeping & saying "UP!". Lately, your new thing is saying you are scared & that a dog was biting you. You always ask me for sauce whenever you get hurt. Your vocabulary has improved tremendously! You are so clear when you speak about trains & Xander & cars/ trucks, about videos & Beedo's & Carley & Brennan & driving & giving your baby num nums. This week, with me being sick, you were such a sweet & caring girl. giving mama snugglies & snuggles & kisses. & my little determined girl, you try so hard to divert attention when you do things you know you shouldn't. It makes me laugh that you are so intuitive about things. I have a feeling you are definitely going to be your own person & that no one will ever walk all over you. You hold your own against people two & three times your size. You don't back down. & you already are good at persuading people to do things. :) Your latest thing isn't to directly ask for anything, but you suggest it & then say "K". For instance, You will say coffee when you see me drinking it. I say yes, it's mama's coffee. You say it a few more times until I ask if you would like a drink, then you say "K". It's almost as if you want it to be my idea.

You have both taught me so much about myself & it constantly amazes me. Essentially, you saved me from myself. You saved me from who I was becoming. You saved me by making me want to be a better person & by making me more aware than I had ever been of the person that I should strive to be & of returning to practicing my Faith.You gave me a different perspective on my own parents & parental influences in my life. Because of you, I was able to face so many of my fears. Let me explain a little.

My greatest wish in life for quite some time has been to have a family of my own. I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself filled with love & joy. When the reality happened & I found myself pregnant with you, Miya, I became terrified of having a child. I began to think that I had nothing to offer a child & that how would I have that healthy family I had always longed for... the family like the Blackburns, or the Counts', when I didn't have that myself. The thought of bringing such a pure & innocent soul into this world without being able to protect it from the dysfunction literally paralyzed me. Deva reminded me that, as a woman, we were made to bring children into this world and that as a child, you know what you need to do to grow & thrive. I just had to protect you & be conscious of you & let you do your thing. Never, in my wildest dreams could I ever have imagined how incredible the experience would be.

Although I began this months ago, I know there is always growth to be made and change to take place if we are to better ourselves. I learn more and more how impressionable you two are and how much you two soak in.

Lately, you've taught me how precious my time with you is. You are just growing and growing. Time stands still for no one & I don't want to miss any of it.

More than anything, you have taught me to pray... to pray for wisdom to discern the will of God in all things.

You've taught me that I will fight to give you the best life I possibly can. You've taught me to keep going, even when I don't think I can.

Xander, you are a spitfire of a little man. You are my happy go lucky boy, aways into everything! You are always wanting to know what's going on, just like your sister. Grandma can't tell the difference between you & Miya. You speak quite well. Just like Miya, you are a monkey. You are a lover & a brute. You love to sance & sing. & it warms my heart to see. You have had to learn a few lessons on your own... like why mama tells you not to do things, like climb on the table. You leap for my arms... Your blind faith has taught me what it means to truly trust. To take that leap without fear. There's this unwaivering courage in those leaps of yours & that reminds me that I need to do the same, most especially when it comes to my Faith... be corageous & strong... research & pray & pray some more.  Pray for wisdom to discern which direction I need to go to lead us closer to God & the path He has intended for us.

Wounds, Scars, Healing, Hope

So, this past week has brought a great many emotions with it. I have come to realize that though we grow & change, the pain will remain. I recently had a day of recollection on my life... every aspect. Although I have taken control of my life back, those scars will always remain. What I realized in all my thoughts are that I am more grateful than I have ever been for my life & for second & third & fourth chances. As painful as some of the memories may have been, every single scar has shaped me into the person I am today. I still have much work to do. It's a never ending journey, but I am one step closer today than I was yesterday & that is what matters. I am a different person today because of the things that I experienced. I want better for myself & for my children because of those things. I can never regret that. So, to my past, I thank you for the lessons learned & the experience you have given me. To my future, may I continue to grow & learn from every experience I am encountered with along the way.