Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Lessons in Life
This afternoon was bittersweet for me. I am so completely relieved about the divorce being finalized. I was hoping to hqve someone to celebrate with, yet, the one I love is going through a bit of a rough day. A friend of his died & it hit him pretty hard. I didn't know her or of her or anything of their friendship, so I didn't have a clue as to what I ought to do. I felt completely helpless. I tried to imagine what he was feeling & realized that I am built differently from most. My emotions are kept in check more often than not. I express sorrow, but it doesn't paralyze me as it does many.
Confusion Written June 17, 2011
My mind is flooded with thoughts that I need to attempt to put in words to see the picture more clearly. I am madly in love with a man who I adore & want to spend the rest of my life with. We have been talking about marriage and a future together. We have been talking about a family. All the things I have ever wanted, I found in him, when I wasn't even looking. The past I'd say month has been like one giant roller coaster of emotions. We both come with baggage... pasts that were far from perfect. I love & respect and appreciate him all the more after knowing where he came from. Against all odds, he is an incredible soul. He could have turned out bitter & he could blame everything on his past, and resent the world, but he doesn't. He takes responsibility for his life. He is such a deeply devoted & caring person that it physically eats at him when things are not right & he doesn't know what to do.
Tonight, I am beyond confused about so many things. The only thing I am certain of is that I love Mike more than I have ever thought possible to love anyone.
Tonight, I am beyond confused about so many things. The only thing I am certain of is that I love Mike more than I have ever thought possible to love anyone.
A Step Back... from April 13, 2011
It's interesting to me that all these people come out of the woodworks when they weren't there before.
Written June 15, 2011
My heart is heavy today. I am confused about a few things. I am confused about how people can be so selfish & heartless to say mean & hurtful things to such incredibly good people. It makes me physically ill to see someone so kind be treated so bad. It's not right on any level. Why is it so easy for us to treat the people we claim to love so horrific? IT'S NOT OKAY!!!
Anonymous
"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back"
Eleven Hints For life
Stumbled upon this today & I love it!
"Eleven Hints for Life"
1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return.
But what is more painful is to love someone and never
find the courage to let that person know how you feel.
2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who
means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was
never meant to be and you just have to let go.
3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a
porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away
feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose
it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.
5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an
hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it
takes a lifetime to forget someone.
6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth,
even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you
smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day
seem bright.
7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go,
be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and
one chance to do all the things you want to do.
8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it
hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.
9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck
a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may
heal and bless.
10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best
of everything they just make the most of everything that comes
along their way.
11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with
a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone
around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,
you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.
"Eleven Hints for Life"
1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return.
But what is more painful is to love someone and never
find the courage to let that person know how you feel.
2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who
means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was
never meant to be and you just have to let go.
3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a
porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away
feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose
it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.
5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an
hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it
takes a lifetime to forget someone.
6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth,
even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you
smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day
seem bright.
7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go,
be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and
one chance to do all the things you want to do.
8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it
hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.
9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck
a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may
heal and bless.
10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best
of everything they just make the most of everything that comes
along their way.
11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with
a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone
around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,
you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Freedom
So, I get home from lunch today & get the best gift anyone could have given me. My divorce has been finalized!!! I am over the moon excited. I was so relieved, I cried. Even though my marriage was over ages ago, I could not close the book because that one little paper that made the entire thing official hadn't come yet. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders like no other. I feel like I can truly breathe again. It is an incredible feeling!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Ties That Bind...
So, recently, I've had some very interesting thoughts running through my mind. A friend posed a very good question about what it is that is the most important thing in a relationship. I had several answers. The popular ones were: 4 people said communication, 6 people said honesty, 4 people said respect, only one person said faith & another said loyalty, & yet another said selflessness, in a nutshell or to nearly quote, putting the other's happiness first, & very few actually said love, which surprised me. Here's my spin on it. I think that the most important thing in a relationship is Love & that if you truly & genuinely love someone, respect, faith, trust, communication, loyalty, selflessness should all follow &, in my opinion, cannot be separated. As far as a relationship goes, I think the true test of any relationship is how well it stands up to trial & tribulation.... meaning that, can it weather a storm? Everyone likes to have fun, that's easy... What about when the going gets tough... do you stand together or do you fall? Things aren't always going to be easy. No 2 people will ever agree on everything. Is that a reason to give up & walk away or do you stay & figure out where the other is coming from. It can help a relationship grow stronger or it can break it. The choice is up to you. Love should make you want to be a better person, not only for yourself, but for the other person as well. You should be growing together, making each other better. Seeing the other one succeed should make you happy, not resentful or jealous. If your relationship doesn't do these things for you, it may be time to reevaluate... just my opinion though.
What is the tie that binds? is it your bloodline? Is it your beliefs? Is it something else?
Do you think people just get comfortable with what they have & become numb. Do they settle because it's easy? Is it fear that paralyzes them because they may not know what is out there or what they are capable of? I think there is greatness in all of us. We just need to know how to tap into ourselves & foster the self growth & improvement to get there.
Recently, I have been blessed to be a shoulder & an ear for a dear friend. She's another GI Jane. She was a Marine & now she's a mom. She's been going through some stuff in her life & is at a crossroads where she sees where she wants to be, but she isn't quite sure how to get there. I was able to offer whatever insight I had. Not sure how useful or helpful it all was, but hopefully she took what she could from it. I told her how therapeutic blogging was, if for no other reason than to get her voice out there & for her to maybe look at & find a new perspective on the situations she's trying to figure out. She is a great person so capable of many great things. She just has to see what we see in her. I have every faith she'll get there.
What is the tie that binds? is it your bloodline? Is it your beliefs? Is it something else?
Do you think people just get comfortable with what they have & become numb. Do they settle because it's easy? Is it fear that paralyzes them because they may not know what is out there or what they are capable of? I think there is greatness in all of us. We just need to know how to tap into ourselves & foster the self growth & improvement to get there.
Recently, I have been blessed to be a shoulder & an ear for a dear friend. She's another GI Jane. She was a Marine & now she's a mom. She's been going through some stuff in her life & is at a crossroads where she sees where she wants to be, but she isn't quite sure how to get there. I was able to offer whatever insight I had. Not sure how useful or helpful it all was, but hopefully she took what she could from it. I told her how therapeutic blogging was, if for no other reason than to get her voice out there & for her to maybe look at & find a new perspective on the situations she's trying to figure out. She is a great person so capable of many great things. She just has to see what we see in her. I have every faith she'll get there.
Saturday, April 09, 2011
I'm Back...
I've been slightly distracted lately & haven't been blogging as I usually do. The distractions end & I am officially back. So much has happened & I don't know where to begin. Let me first say that I am in a healthy relationship with a man who is incredible in every single way! Mike is a wonderful man & I love him. I find myself more & more grateful every day that God has blessed me by allowing him back in my life after so long. I am thankful for his friendship beyond what any words could ever hope to express. He is an inspiration every day & my cousin Melissa couldn't have said it better... he makes me want to be a better person & do amazing things with my life.
On to those amazing things. Where to begin??? I am in the process of going back to school to continue my education. On the top of the list is the fact that I am going to get my diploma & I am going to become certified in Medical Coding & Billing. I have had several years of hands on experience, which is a definite benefit, however, I think it will be good to have a certification to take with me into my future &, if I ever need to, I have another option to fall back on. You know, looking back on my life, I wouldn't change a thing. I take it all... the good, the bad, the ugly, the strange, the happy, the sad... every bit of my life has helped shape me into the person I am today & for that, I am eternally grateful! God has blessed me with a life filled with some amazing experiences that have helped to make me the person I am today. The person I am today... I am a girl with simple dreams & aspirations. I live my life to the fullest every day. I don't ever want to have any regrets about any of the things I have done. I try to look at every experience as a tool to learn from. If I fall down, I get back up stronger than before, knowing that I learned a lesson that may someday be prevent me from making a bigger mistake. If I achieve a goal, I have something to be proud of. At the end of the day, I know that it's just me & the person staring back at me in the mirror & as long as I can look that person in the face, I feel I am on the right path. The day I stop expanding my horizons & learning & is the day I will be disappointed & dissatisfied with myself.
Another amazing part of my life that I have not lost sight of... my healthy lifestyle changes. I am half way to my goal & it feels fantastic! It has me more motivated than ever to continue on this path & achieve my goal. I can't wait! In fact, I was telling a girlfriend that I even have a person that motivates me. She is, what I call GI Jane. She has it all... an incredible personality & she's beauty & brains! She is military... God Bless her! She is polite & gracious & beautiful & in the best shape! Her children are pretty great... always so polite. They are some of my favorite patients. Once I have reached my goal weight loss & I am really able to tone, I am making her my model. :) I may tell her so next time I see her.
Now that I've got you up to speed, I must end to get back to studying.
On to those amazing things. Where to begin??? I am in the process of going back to school to continue my education. On the top of the list is the fact that I am going to get my diploma & I am going to become certified in Medical Coding & Billing. I have had several years of hands on experience, which is a definite benefit, however, I think it will be good to have a certification to take with me into my future &, if I ever need to, I have another option to fall back on. You know, looking back on my life, I wouldn't change a thing. I take it all... the good, the bad, the ugly, the strange, the happy, the sad... every bit of my life has helped shape me into the person I am today & for that, I am eternally grateful! God has blessed me with a life filled with some amazing experiences that have helped to make me the person I am today. The person I am today... I am a girl with simple dreams & aspirations. I live my life to the fullest every day. I don't ever want to have any regrets about any of the things I have done. I try to look at every experience as a tool to learn from. If I fall down, I get back up stronger than before, knowing that I learned a lesson that may someday be prevent me from making a bigger mistake. If I achieve a goal, I have something to be proud of. At the end of the day, I know that it's just me & the person staring back at me in the mirror & as long as I can look that person in the face, I feel I am on the right path. The day I stop expanding my horizons & learning & is the day I will be disappointed & dissatisfied with myself.
Another amazing part of my life that I have not lost sight of... my healthy lifestyle changes. I am half way to my goal & it feels fantastic! It has me more motivated than ever to continue on this path & achieve my goal. I can't wait! In fact, I was telling a girlfriend that I even have a person that motivates me. She is, what I call GI Jane. She has it all... an incredible personality & she's beauty & brains! She is military... God Bless her! She is polite & gracious & beautiful & in the best shape! Her children are pretty great... always so polite. They are some of my favorite patients. Once I have reached my goal weight loss & I am really able to tone, I am making her my model. :) I may tell her so next time I see her.
Now that I've got you up to speed, I must end to get back to studying.
Friday, April 01, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Untitled...
I think of my life
And must shed a tear.
God has truly blessed me
With the ones I hold dear.
My heart is so very full
And words could never express
This overwhelming feeling
That leaves me so helpless.
The people in my life
Are there by design.
God always has a plan
He keeps us in mind.
Our paths have once again collided
Fate's door was opened wide.
My heart jumped, my head followed
Without a thought of what he'd decide.
From that first day,
He spoke to my soul.
He encouraged my dreams
Showed me how to let go.
He showed me who I could be.
He reminded me of who I am.
I remembered what I'd buried,
I found my fight again.
He allows me to be vulnerable,
He only wants me to be me.
How quickly I have fallen
Like an anchor in the sea.
He's captivated my soul,
He has my whole heart in his hands,
He's more than I could ever ask for,
I thank God for this amazing man!
I love you, Michael William Kren! ♥
And must shed a tear.
God has truly blessed me
With the ones I hold dear.
My heart is so very full
And words could never express
This overwhelming feeling
That leaves me so helpless.
The people in my life
Are there by design.
God always has a plan
He keeps us in mind.
Our paths have once again collided
Fate's door was opened wide.
My heart jumped, my head followed
Without a thought of what he'd decide.
From that first day,
He spoke to my soul.
He encouraged my dreams
Showed me how to let go.
He showed me who I could be.
He reminded me of who I am.
I remembered what I'd buried,
I found my fight again.
He allows me to be vulnerable,
He only wants me to be me.
How quickly I have fallen
Like an anchor in the sea.
He's captivated my soul,
He has my whole heart in his hands,
He's more than I could ever ask for,
I thank God for this amazing man!
I love you, Michael William Kren! ♥
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Fish Out of Water
Alright, so today was an interesting day. Cloud nine is dissipating as reality is setting in. I am steering blind. Up until now, I have always been in the driver's seat. With every relationship, I have been in control & in charge. It is strange, however, not necessarily a bad thing. I am thankful for the level of respect & complete honesty of this relationship beyond belief! It feels great to know that I can share my opinions & thoughts & actually get a response & vice versa. The level of respect just keeps increasing with every passing day. I love where this is headed & am excited to be on this journey.
Friday, February 18, 2011
A Fresh Start
Divorce papers have officially been filed! It is a huge weight off my shoulders. You know, I was recently asked if I had any regrets. My answer is no. I was also recently asked if I was still hung up on Dave. My answer is also no. The thing I have realized is that there is a monumental difference between loving someone & being in love. I absolutely can say with certainty that I loved Dave, but I was definitely not in love with him. Do I have any regrets or would I change a thing? Absolutely not! If I change anything about my life, then I lose a part of who I am today.
On the same subject of fresh starts, This is something I haven't really been able to put into words or express yet, but I am going to attempt it. LOVE... yes, i know, but once again, I am going to try. I was asked if I was serious & what I was looking for. First question of if I am serious... YES! Absolutely! I have taken the plunge. I don't take this subject lightly & would never pull on anyone's heart strings for fun. Initially, I felt as though I needed to wait until I got all my shit together. By this, I mean finalizing the divorce & getting my high school diploma & getting to my healthy weight, figuring out exactly where I am truly headed. The thing I realize is that love just happens. it doesn't wait for when you are "ready". Somewhere down the line, between the focus on myself & getting back to me & obtaining my goals & making new goals, I fell hard & fast. Mike was completely unexpected. I had no idea I was going to fall for this man the way I have. He was my breath of fresh air. He gave me the push I needed in so many ways. He pointed out things I had forgotten & challenged me the exact way I need to be challenged. Most of all, he allows me to be me... unapologetically me with all my quirks & oddities. He has shown me unconditional love before he ever said the words. He gave me a comfort & peace I hadn't felt in so long. As for what I am looking for, I wasn't even aware I was looking. It just fell into my lap. That one act expanded my horizons again & made me realize that not only is it okay to be simply me, but I have more potential that I haven't even tapped into yet. I can reach beyond the stars & I can achieve anything I set my mind to. As for the second part of the question of what am I looking for? Nothing that I was aware of, but I found it anyways. A few months ago, I sat down & made a small list of things that I knew that I wanted when I was ready to move on. I will copy that list & post it here: Someone with strong moral & religious convictions. Someone who is honest & reliable. He must be trustworthy & open. He must be respectful & confident, faithful & kindhearted. He should be motivated & open. I think he should be someone who challenges me & gives me mental stimulation & who enjoys debate. He should appreciate me for me, not want to change me. He should be genuine & self sufficient. I want a partner, not a child. I want someone who appreciates life the way I do & who won't take anything for granted. I want someone who will encourage me not dissuade me from becoming a better person. In a relationship, I want someone who inspires me & motivates me to be a better person & I would hope he would want the same from me. I feel that we should both be able to grow as individuals & as a couple. We should have similar interests to some degree... like being active & loving to learn & music & wanting to do things together. I want someone who is content to just be with me... whether its sitting at home talking & spending a quiet night together or going out. I want to know that I bring them the same peace & happiness that they bring to me. I want to feel safe, like no matter what life throws in our path, that we can handle it... TOGETHER! I want to know that they accept the things I believe & that they don't want to change my mind on those things. I think the occasional gift is nice, such as flowers or a romantic night out, but these things are just an added bonus. I think that they should show they love me & appreciate me every day, not just on a special occasion or holiday or anniversary.
Well, that's what I came up with thus far.
& now back to LOVE... You know, I was recently told that a part of me hadn't let go of my first love. Romantically, I had my closure, however looking back, I gave the relationship more power than I would have admitted previously. By this, I mean that in a lot of ways, I was always measuring my other relationships to this one. Years ago, I felt that this relationship was the most genuine & the most real & also that I didn't deserve to be loved so unconditionally, so, when I got into other relationships, I always set the bar for what I felt that I deserved. I was in relationships that were completely unhealthy. I was in mentally abusive relationships where the guy told me I was shit & he would openly cheat on me, telling me there was nothing I could do about it & I stayed in it because that was what I felt I deserved. I was in relationships for nothing other than spite & rebellion. Then I finally married, thinking that my idea of love was right & that there was no difference between love & being in love.
Enter Mike... I don't even know where to begin. We've known each other for quite some time, yes, however, we've only recently gotten to really get to know each other. In that time, I have grown by leaps & bounds as is obvious by everyone who sees me regularly. I can't pinpoint when or how things happened. All I can say is that I have fallen head over heels for him & that I am truly & madly in love with him! Something I realized today in talking to William, the lovely owner of the Local Grown Coffee Shop in Coupeville, is that for once in my life I am not comparing this relationship to anything in my past. It is now the bar for what I compare other things to. I didn't know it was possible to feel this deep or love this much. This relationship is so different from any other in so many ways. First of all, Mike is the only person I have ever admitted I loved.I have told others I loved them, but not before they have said it first. Of course, I am terrified of all the things that this means... I have dove face first... leaped without the net. I have no idea what comes next, but I can say that I can see a future with this man! Whatever happens, I just don't want to have regrets. I don't have a clue where this is headed, but I want to get the opportunity to find out. I want to know that I truly lived & loved without fear holding me back. If I am reading the cards wrong & we aren't intended for each other, I know that any other relationship will be measured by the standards he has set. I will accept nothing less.
On a side note, Mike is also growing & changing is so many ways. He was accepted into school for Aviation Mechanics & now that he is actually there, I am so thrilled for him! I love seeing the changes in him. He is like a little boy with a new toy. Soo excited & it shows. I have no doubt he loves me, however, I do occasionally wonder whether I am good for him. I wonder if I am going to distract him from accomplishing his goals or whether our relationship is going to hold him back from some other great experience. He's going through just as many life changes as I am & I would hate to know that in some way I held him back. I suppose all this goes back to the jumping without the net. I know that he will always be open & hoenst with me & so, with that in mind, I lay my worries aside. I do know that we will always remain the best of friends if nothing else & that right there makes everything else seem so small.
On the same subject of fresh starts, This is something I haven't really been able to put into words or express yet, but I am going to attempt it. LOVE... yes, i know, but once again, I am going to try. I was asked if I was serious & what I was looking for. First question of if I am serious... YES! Absolutely! I have taken the plunge. I don't take this subject lightly & would never pull on anyone's heart strings for fun. Initially, I felt as though I needed to wait until I got all my shit together. By this, I mean finalizing the divorce & getting my high school diploma & getting to my healthy weight, figuring out exactly where I am truly headed. The thing I realize is that love just happens. it doesn't wait for when you are "ready". Somewhere down the line, between the focus on myself & getting back to me & obtaining my goals & making new goals, I fell hard & fast. Mike was completely unexpected. I had no idea I was going to fall for this man the way I have. He was my breath of fresh air. He gave me the push I needed in so many ways. He pointed out things I had forgotten & challenged me the exact way I need to be challenged. Most of all, he allows me to be me... unapologetically me with all my quirks & oddities. He has shown me unconditional love before he ever said the words. He gave me a comfort & peace I hadn't felt in so long. As for what I am looking for, I wasn't even aware I was looking. It just fell into my lap. That one act expanded my horizons again & made me realize that not only is it okay to be simply me, but I have more potential that I haven't even tapped into yet. I can reach beyond the stars & I can achieve anything I set my mind to. As for the second part of the question of what am I looking for? Nothing that I was aware of, but I found it anyways. A few months ago, I sat down & made a small list of things that I knew that I wanted when I was ready to move on. I will copy that list & post it here: Someone with strong moral & religious convictions. Someone who is honest & reliable. He must be trustworthy & open. He must be respectful & confident, faithful & kindhearted. He should be motivated & open. I think he should be someone who challenges me & gives me mental stimulation & who enjoys debate. He should appreciate me for me, not want to change me. He should be genuine & self sufficient. I want a partner, not a child. I want someone who appreciates life the way I do & who won't take anything for granted. I want someone who will encourage me not dissuade me from becoming a better person. In a relationship, I want someone who inspires me & motivates me to be a better person & I would hope he would want the same from me. I feel that we should both be able to grow as individuals & as a couple. We should have similar interests to some degree... like being active & loving to learn & music & wanting to do things together. I want someone who is content to just be with me... whether its sitting at home talking & spending a quiet night together or going out. I want to know that I bring them the same peace & happiness that they bring to me. I want to feel safe, like no matter what life throws in our path, that we can handle it... TOGETHER! I want to know that they accept the things I believe & that they don't want to change my mind on those things. I think the occasional gift is nice, such as flowers or a romantic night out, but these things are just an added bonus. I think that they should show they love me & appreciate me every day, not just on a special occasion or holiday or anniversary.
Well, that's what I came up with thus far.
& now back to LOVE... You know, I was recently told that a part of me hadn't let go of my first love. Romantically, I had my closure, however looking back, I gave the relationship more power than I would have admitted previously. By this, I mean that in a lot of ways, I was always measuring my other relationships to this one. Years ago, I felt that this relationship was the most genuine & the most real & also that I didn't deserve to be loved so unconditionally, so, when I got into other relationships, I always set the bar for what I felt that I deserved. I was in relationships that were completely unhealthy. I was in mentally abusive relationships where the guy told me I was shit & he would openly cheat on me, telling me there was nothing I could do about it & I stayed in it because that was what I felt I deserved. I was in relationships for nothing other than spite & rebellion. Then I finally married, thinking that my idea of love was right & that there was no difference between love & being in love.
Enter Mike... I don't even know where to begin. We've known each other for quite some time, yes, however, we've only recently gotten to really get to know each other. In that time, I have grown by leaps & bounds as is obvious by everyone who sees me regularly. I can't pinpoint when or how things happened. All I can say is that I have fallen head over heels for him & that I am truly & madly in love with him! Something I realized today in talking to William, the lovely owner of the Local Grown Coffee Shop in Coupeville, is that for once in my life I am not comparing this relationship to anything in my past. It is now the bar for what I compare other things to. I didn't know it was possible to feel this deep or love this much. This relationship is so different from any other in so many ways. First of all, Mike is the only person I have ever admitted I loved.I have told others I loved them, but not before they have said it first. Of course, I am terrified of all the things that this means... I have dove face first... leaped without the net. I have no idea what comes next, but I can say that I can see a future with this man! Whatever happens, I just don't want to have regrets. I don't have a clue where this is headed, but I want to get the opportunity to find out. I want to know that I truly lived & loved without fear holding me back. If I am reading the cards wrong & we aren't intended for each other, I know that any other relationship will be measured by the standards he has set. I will accept nothing less.
On a side note, Mike is also growing & changing is so many ways. He was accepted into school for Aviation Mechanics & now that he is actually there, I am so thrilled for him! I love seeing the changes in him. He is like a little boy with a new toy. Soo excited & it shows. I have no doubt he loves me, however, I do occasionally wonder whether I am good for him. I wonder if I am going to distract him from accomplishing his goals or whether our relationship is going to hold him back from some other great experience. He's going through just as many life changes as I am & I would hate to know that in some way I held him back. I suppose all this goes back to the jumping without the net. I know that he will always be open & hoenst with me & so, with that in mind, I lay my worries aside. I do know that we will always remain the best of friends if nothing else & that right there makes everything else seem so small.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Valentines Day
“Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.”
“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.”
“We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn't. Success often lies just the other side of failure.”
"If not now, when?"
“Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.”
“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death”
So, as I sit this morning contemplating my day, I am filled with many emotions. I am happy! I see a whole new world ahead! Hopeful, terrified, blessed, loved, cherished, amazed, excited, nervous, silly, rejuvenated, challenged, & the list goes on & on. I am finally seeing what Shilo & a few others have been trying to tell me for years about love & falling in love. There really is a difference. I always thought that the mushy stuff was for first loves & people who weren't jaded by love. I have mistaken genuine love, as in friendship love, with actually being in love. The past month has been utterly & irrevocably one of the best I've had in a LONG time! Reconnecting with an old friend & getting to know each other all over again has been incredible. Mike has renewed the fight I had in me that I didn't even know I lost. He inspires me to reach beyond the stars & makes me believe in myself again. I know that I can do anything I put my mind to again.... something I forgot over the past few years. I became so consumed by work & what was comfortable that I stopped reaching for the stars. I became comfortably numb or immune.
I've noticed through the years that I tend to detach myself so as not to get too involved or too close. Perhaps it's the survivor instinct in me that kicks in when I get too close or comfortable. It flags me & tells me that if I trust too deep or fall too hard or love too much or cry too often, that it makes me vulnerable to too many factors. I may never trust again or I may not be able to get back up or my heart may be broken permanently or I may turn into a weeping, balling idiot, etc... Fear held my emotions in check, in a way. The interesting thing is, this time around, I am not afraid. It is a little scary, but even though I am scared, it hasn't held me back as it has in the past. I think that is what makes it scary. I am a fairly cautious person & usually take things slow & weigh all my options & with this, there just didn't seem like there was even a choice to make. Things just progressed naturally. It was natural to just be together... to talk & joke & spend time & everything in between.
He seems to get me on a level that most others do not & hes not intimidated by me or even afraid to call me on my shit either. I love that.
I was encouraged to be my own person & make my own choices & think for myself & so much else. I am excited to see what is in store for us as a couple.
Two days after I began this post...
“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.”
“We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn't. Success often lies just the other side of failure.”
"If not now, when?"
“Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.”
“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death”
So, as I sit this morning contemplating my day, I am filled with many emotions. I am happy! I see a whole new world ahead! Hopeful, terrified, blessed, loved, cherished, amazed, excited, nervous, silly, rejuvenated, challenged, & the list goes on & on. I am finally seeing what Shilo & a few others have been trying to tell me for years about love & falling in love. There really is a difference. I always thought that the mushy stuff was for first loves & people who weren't jaded by love. I have mistaken genuine love, as in friendship love, with actually being in love. The past month has been utterly & irrevocably one of the best I've had in a LONG time! Reconnecting with an old friend & getting to know each other all over again has been incredible. Mike has renewed the fight I had in me that I didn't even know I lost. He inspires me to reach beyond the stars & makes me believe in myself again. I know that I can do anything I put my mind to again.... something I forgot over the past few years. I became so consumed by work & what was comfortable that I stopped reaching for the stars. I became comfortably numb or immune.
I've noticed through the years that I tend to detach myself so as not to get too involved or too close. Perhaps it's the survivor instinct in me that kicks in when I get too close or comfortable. It flags me & tells me that if I trust too deep or fall too hard or love too much or cry too often, that it makes me vulnerable to too many factors. I may never trust again or I may not be able to get back up or my heart may be broken permanently or I may turn into a weeping, balling idiot, etc... Fear held my emotions in check, in a way. The interesting thing is, this time around, I am not afraid. It is a little scary, but even though I am scared, it hasn't held me back as it has in the past. I think that is what makes it scary. I am a fairly cautious person & usually take things slow & weigh all my options & with this, there just didn't seem like there was even a choice to make. Things just progressed naturally. It was natural to just be together... to talk & joke & spend time & everything in between.
He seems to get me on a level that most others do not & hes not intimidated by me or even afraid to call me on my shit either. I love that.
I was encouraged to be my own person & make my own choices & think for myself & so much else. I am excited to see what is in store for us as a couple.
Two days after I began this post...
Recharging The Batteries
People who are tough to get along with are the sandpaper of life. They smooth out our rough edges to reveal the pearl inside. Show the world what you are really made of today!
Here I sit thinking about so very many different things. My heart is full & so happy it is almost overwhelming! I am realizing that I so desperately missed mental stimulation. I have had an endless supply for the past 2 weeks & it's like all I do is crave it! I have had such deep & meaningful conversations with several people & I LOVE IT!!!!
Let me start by saying Leavenworth with my best girls was the MOST fantastic weekend!!! The best of friends & conversations & chance meetings with strangers. I have laughed so hard I cried, I have been serenaded, I have gotten to catch up with my beautiful cousin & friends. We all had such a glorious time, we have decided to make the trip again.
I have so many thoughts & ideas running through my head all I can say is that it's like I've got firecrackers in my head. So many sparks are being ignited that I am unsure where to begin & at times, the thoughts get all jumbled up or they come so quickly that I can't process my vocabulary quick enough so I end up stuttering. We had so many different discussions & they are all still running through my mind. Everything from friendship to love, to marriage & children, then there was health related issues & locations & reunions & jobs. We covered all the bases. There were many little surprises along the way, such as missed flights & left wallets & bags.
Continued several weeks later...
The batteries have definitely been recharged, yet it is a little bittersweet. I sit here & blog thinking over the past month & how amazing this year has started out. The week before the birthday weekend was just the beginning for me of what was to come. I am convinced more than ever that everything happens for a reason. I see so many things in such a different light. I now not only say that I am alright, I know I am alright & I am going to make it.
Continued several weeks later...
The batteries have definitely been recharged, yet it is a little bittersweet. I sit here & blog thinking over the past month & how amazing this year has started out. The week before the birthday weekend was just the beginning for me of what was to come. I am convinced more than ever that everything happens for a reason. I see so many things in such a different light. I now not only say that I am alright, I know I am alright & I am going to make it.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Random Days & Providential Mishaps
So, yesterday was such an amazing day. I was informed it was a day about me, a day that we do whatever I wanted. So, we took a drive up Chuckanut. It was beautiful, of course. We made a few stops along the way to get some great photos.
... continued post several days later.
In any case, that day was the most unexpected & best one I've had in ages! I had the best of company & the greatest of laughs. Again, I was reminded of how much of myself I forgot. We stopped several times along the way to get some pictures. Mike decided he wanted to get some of me standing near the waterfall. There were two options: A.) Down & B.) Up. Option A looked pretty slippery & muddy. Option B looked wet, but a little less slippery & muddy. I opted for the latter & let's just say, I ended up covered in mud & wet from the waist down. I haven't laughed so hard since I went out last with my girls in Coeur d'Alene. So much fun! In the way back, We went to Anacortes to get a picture of this old boat that has trees growing out of it. Well, mishaps were the theme of the day. We were about 2, maybe 3 miles out & noticed we had a flat tire. Thank God for Les Schwaab! They came to the rescue & I killed 2 birds with one stone. The tires were balding pretty bad & I knew I needed to replace them, so... 4 brand new tires were bought. We of course missed the picture of the boat, but it was still so much fun. & the looks I got were priceless. It's great to be able to laugh at yourself once in a while.
... continued post several days later.
In any case, that day was the most unexpected & best one I've had in ages! I had the best of company & the greatest of laughs. Again, I was reminded of how much of myself I forgot. We stopped several times along the way to get some pictures. Mike decided he wanted to get some of me standing near the waterfall. There were two options: A.) Down & B.) Up. Option A looked pretty slippery & muddy. Option B looked wet, but a little less slippery & muddy. I opted for the latter & let's just say, I ended up covered in mud & wet from the waist down. I haven't laughed so hard since I went out last with my girls in Coeur d'Alene. So much fun! In the way back, We went to Anacortes to get a picture of this old boat that has trees growing out of it. Well, mishaps were the theme of the day. We were about 2, maybe 3 miles out & noticed we had a flat tire. Thank God for Les Schwaab! They came to the rescue & I killed 2 birds with one stone. The tires were balding pretty bad & I knew I needed to replace them, so... 4 brand new tires were bought. We of course missed the picture of the boat, but it was still so much fun. & the looks I got were priceless. It's great to be able to laugh at yourself once in a while.
Thursday, February 03, 2011
The New Love of My Life...
Alright, so I'll lay it down for you like this... Amanda's birthday was yesterday. The day before, I took her to get a pedicure. Every girl needs a little pampering for their birthday. Then, yesterday, Amanda wanted to have sushi for her birthday, so in good fashion, we went to the only place that has some pretty fabulous sushi. We went to Sakura. The sushi, in true form, was fabulous! Hence comes the new love of my life. They updated their sushi menu & so I decided to try the new item. This roll was INCREDIBLE! It is called a New Hawaiian Roll. It had Escolar & Kiwi & some other fabulous stuff in it. You know how women often say "who needs men when you have chocolate?"... well, "Who the hell needs men when you have a New Hawaiian Roll... or sushi, for that matter?" As we ate, the owner, a very pleasant looking, very well built gentleman, came to check on us & see how we were enjoying our meal & what brought us in. I explained that whenever I have a craving for amazing sushi, I always drive from Oak Harbor to eat there. Alex, as was the owners name, took it as a huge compliment & when I informed him it was Amanda's birthday, he wished her a happy birthday & before we left, they brought her a piece of Strawberry swirl cheesecake with a sparkler & a candle in it. We intended on doing karaoke, however when we got to the bar, we were informed they do it Tuesdays & Thursdays. Better luck on the karaoke another night. Tonight is going to be a chill night. A great way to spend a vacation.... that indeed, has been a vacation, despite a few incidences... which shall be brought up in another post.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Dirty 30!!!
I am not sure if I am supposed to feel any different, however, the only change I feel began a few days ago.My goal this year is to rediscover who I am. I think that through the natural course of events we call life, I got so focused on the tasks at hand that I lost sight of who I was and eventually was unable to recognize her anymore. There were faint shimmers of who she was but not enough to spark a flame, for me to say, "there you are! I missed you. Welcome back" My focus of this year is the new chapter of my life I have already begun. I will not allow myself to lose sight of those things that are ever so increasingly important to me. I will always appreciate my inner calm & foster it as a way of personal growth. I will surround myself with edifying people who encourage & inspire me to be the very best me that I can. I will make all my "somedays" happen today! We never know when we will get the chance if we wait. 30 for me is a new adventure & the best one yet! I am ridding my life of all the toxic waste in it... all the drama, all the people who drag me down, all the things that were the cause of me losing sight of who I am. I am going to continue to grow & change & appreciate everything & everyone who comes across my path. I will stop to smell the roses & I will learn who I am & grow with all the new things I allow myself to learn & be taught. The links on the chain have been broken & can't be reforged.
On A Roll
With this recent reminder that I am not a quitter, I am also beginning a new project... well, an old, unfinished project.. I am going to graduate! & by that, I mean high school. I pulled the paperwork out of the closet, dusted off the books & have begun to look through everything. I have contacted the school & found that I only have 5 more subjects to complete before I can graduate. I am on a mission!
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