This is an old post that I must have forgotten to publish...
As I was working out at the gym tonight, I was finishing up a book on the Chakras & I realized how true it is that mind/ body/ soul are so inseparable. When one is sick, the others are usually not far behind. I have been reevaluating my life over the past 11 months & have been making some serious & drastic, yet much needed changes. I acknowledge that part of the constant growing process is going to include mistakes. What makes them worth it, is when we learn from them. For in every turn, there is a lesson. The only time I can regret a decision, is when I don't learn from it.
This all comes to mind as I spoke with my mother who is always so eager to remind me of how she perceives me... mainly, she describes me as being erratic, deceptive, stubborn, hurtful, & most of all, having deep seeded emotional issues that have caused me to be an emotional eater. I will fully admit that at one point in my life, I had so many emotions running through my head that I didn't always know how to express them. There was a time when I felt completely alone... not lonely, just alone. I was cared for quite well physically, however, mentally or emotionally, I was not raised to feel like it was alright to have an opinion; to feel ashamed when I let my mom down, especially since she was a single parent. No one in my family ever talked much about issues. They all loved to gossip about the rest of the extended family, but not air their own dirty laundry. & definitely not talk about important things unless is was to criticize. I am saddened to know that my mother doesn't know me, however , she chooses to listen to what everyone else says instead of just asking me herself. Back on topic, I have never been an emotional eater. I manifest my stresses by lack of sleep due to over analyzing. I have done it for years & years. Used to be accompanied by much worry & some other emotions mixed in.
Many moons ago, I was such a confused soul. I had no self esteem & thought that the way I would find happiness was by making everyone else happy & by making sure to not disappoint my loved ones. The interesting thing is, the harder I tried, the more I felt like I was a disappointment. I wanted to have the approval of everyone around me & feared that no one liked me. I thought that if my dad didn't care enough to want to be a part of my life & that if my mom was always disappointed & made me go back to boarding school when I was so terribly homesick that I must not be worth much... that everyone would be better off without me. I had no self esteem whatsoever. Long story short, who knows where I would have ended up if I didn't have certain people in my life who showed me I was so absolutely wrong about the ideas & perceptions I had about myself.
Back on point... the issues my mother refers to are things from way back in the day. I acted out in so many ways. Some specific times come to mind. The very last time I lived with her for any period of time, things got completely ugly & entirely out of control. I had finally gone back to prove to my mom that I wasn't as messed up as she thought I was. By the end of the summer, I was beyond tired of hearing all about everything that I did wrong or that she was disappointed with. It got to the point where even my aunt asked her if I could do anything right. I had become mentally and physically drained. I knew she would never let me leave willingly, so I took it upon myself to book the flight & call a cab. By the time I was ready to leave, my mom had figured out what I was attempting to do. She grabbed one of my bags to keep me from being able to go. In the moment it took me to realize what she was doing, I reacted. I chased after her, all the while, only focused on my goal of getting my bag back and in the moment, things got physical. I had a hold of my bag & she turned around and back handed me. I was fuming & just wanted to go back home to Idaho. She grabbed my hair & I told her I could cat fight too & joined in by grabbing a hold of her hair. Definitely NOT one of my proudest or finer moments to date. I all of a sudden realized my baby brother & cousin were screaming in the back ground because they didn't understand what was happening. I immediately let go of my bag & let her run off with it. I went inside, gained my composure, & called the police. As I was explaining that I was a legal adult & my mom was attempting to keep me against my will, the phone was disconnected by someone. The cops traced the call & came to the house. I left & didn't look back for quite a while. Years later, I came to realize that the situation could have & should have been handled in such a different way. When I began speaking to my mom again, one of the first things I told her was that, as much as I believe I wasn't entirely in the wrong, I was extremely sorry for the way I handled the situation. I explained that I was out of line & I was so very sorry for that. I have moved past it.
I don't see the logic in living in the past. Mistakes made are life lessons. The only true regret I can have is when I don't learn from something. Everything happens for a reason. My mistakes have made me who I am & I choose to be appreciative of the fact that they could have saved me from making an even bigger mistake than I did in the long run.
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