Mother's Day

Miya Soleil Lee, I thank God every day that you picked me to be your Mama. I love you more than I ever could have thought possible. It is amazing how much you've taught me... I never imagined how strong I am until looking back at everything we've been through. I have learned that not only do I have a strength I never knew, but I am also more vulnerable than I ever could have imagined. Still, at times, when I see you, I get completely overwhelmed by the thought of having carried you inside me... that you grew inside me. I had your heart beating inside me... that after everything we experienced, that even the doctors said you were "pretty perfect", which means I did good.
The vulnerability part comes from the fact that, with the week we've had & finally being able to think about everything that has happened, I admit that I feel like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces. I say this because of everything we are going through with your Papa. I love him more than I have ever loved any one... with the exception of you. & how could I not still love him... I look at you & I see so much of him & you better believe it that I don't regret you in any way shape or form. Like I said, I thank god every day that you picked me to be your Mama. Back to the vulnerable feeling... your Papa is sick, which is why I did what I had to do to protect you. It tears me up that I had to go that route, however, you are my number one priority. & although he may hate me, at least I know I did what I felt I had to for your sake. I only hope he eventually understands why I did what I did & also understands that I didn't do it out of spite or malice or hate. I only want him to get help & be well. It kills me that he is missing out on you in any capacity, but if he is unwilling to acknowledge that he is sick, he will not get help & that is where your safety comes first. Maybe eventually he will realize that I never quit loving him. Before, I could buffer things & keep you safe, but now, I don't have that option. That is what changed.
I seem to keep getting deterred in explaining the vulnerability part... everything going on with your Papa right now is just devastating to me. He should be here with us enjoying everything about you & this amazing journey. Feeling so torn, is a big part of the vulnerability for me. I am used to facing whatever comes across my path in an almost objective way. this situation is so drastically different. I find myself quite emotional over it.