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My heart hurts more than I imagined. Today I have been left alone to my thoughts. Besides having my beautiful blessing of a daughter with me, I have had no adult interaction. Again, my thoughts are all jumbled. I came across a few holy cards as I was sorting through all the paperwork today. I take it as a sign although I am not sure of what, but my grandparents were named Joseph & Lillian & the holy cards I found were Mike's. They were from his grandpa & grandma's passing. Their names were also Joseph & Lillian. Strange coincidences I suppose.
I fell asleep before finishing my post. In any case, What I was getting at is that I can't stop thinking about the fact that he would rather be down there with his mom than near his daughter. He feels like me saying we need to make this about our daughter above all else & rebuild our own relationship slowly means that I don't want a relationship with him. I don't know if he honestly thinks that or if it's just the garbage he's being fed, but if that's truly what he thinks, he doesn't know me at all. If I didn't want things to work, I'd tell him so.
On another separate, however not totally unrelated subject, I heard from Shilo today. The irony of the entire situation is that I get it from both sides. Mike says I never stick up for him or defend him to anyone & that shows him where my priorities are & Shilo says the exact same thing. I suppose it's in the perception of each person on some level. When the situation first happened, all I could muster was telling Mike he crossed a line & that both he & Shilo were irrelevant at that moment. All the energy I had went into our sweet daughter & doing everything I could to protect her as much as I could from the situation. I don't regret that because she came out & the docs all said she was "pretty perfect". I got a message from Shilo telling me I had to choose between her & Mike & on some level, Mike made the same demand. I was upset with them both due to the fact that I love them both & they will both always be a part of my life, but they were trying to make me choose between them. Right, wrong or indifferent, they both will always be family to me, blood or not. then, after my mother's day text to Shilo, she said she has been burned countless times by Mike & my situation & so she wished us well & said she'd pray for us. I assumed that she was done. I respect that decision as I do understand the hurt she might be feeling & the uncertainty of whether or not it will happen again. Then I get another email today saying I didn't tell people the entire story & she wants me to prove how much I value our relationship... Like deja vu... the exact same demands Mike made for me. Come down to Boise to prove to him I love him.
On some level, it hurts to think that I was told I could have gone anywhere & been with anyone, but instead I chose you...  It almost seems like he feels like he settled. Then the fact that he throws in my face all the things he gave up to be here with me & the fact that he says I am ungrateful. That is not the case. I thank God every day that he chose to be with me because I know how much I love him & it means the world to me.... & now, even more so as I look at our precious daughter who is entirely pure & innocent & so aware & already so smart.
The only thing I can say is that based on the emails I have received from him, that he isn't sure what he wants. I think that's the one thing he still doesn't get about me. I can only speak for myself, however, I have found that it really doesn't matter where I am or where I go or where I end up. The things that are important to me are my family & friends & that will always be the most important thing in the world to me. =) I once told your Papa before we began our relationship that I don't need him. I want him in my life because he enhances it. As long as I have my family in my life, I am happy. Everything else is secondary to that. Sure, there are things that I wouldn't mind having or doing and such, but it will only make it worth it if I have the people who are important to me in my life. & make no mistake, your Papa is one of those people.