...When it comes to my ex's, I don't blame them. It takes two & I own my part in all of them. With Andrew, it was my insecurities the first time around. With the other Mike, it was my lack of self esteem... I thought I was trash & he treated me that way & that's what I felt I deserved. With Tony, it was to spite my mom & dad. With Shane, I was completely honest with him & told him I wasn't over someone else but if he still wanted to date, I'd give it a shot. I broke it off because I still wasn't over Andrew & I couldn't do that. With Andrew, I figured out who I was & had to get closure. With Dave, I had a jaded perspective on what love is & thought that was all there was. I was no victim. I made those choices & I corrected them.
As for us, I love you more than I could ever express. Why do you think this whole situation is so hard? Do you think I enjoy the things I did? What you are still missing, even after reading my email is that I do still want my family back... & yes that includes you. But I also recognize we have quite a bit to work through & get past.
As for our situation, beginning with when we first found out I was pregnant, yes, I did own up to my part. I started the whole thing... unintentionally, however, yes, I started it. I accidentally said Dave's name. I have apologized for that time & time again. As for the next situation, you saying we need to move. You gave me an ultimatum & said if I didn't move, we were over. I was trying to work with you. That's why I asked where would we move. You said somewhere we could both have opportunities. When I asked where that was, you didn't know, so my answer was no. Then you told me we were over & began insulting me. Again, jumping to conclusions about the flyers for homes. None of them were places I was actually interested in getting. I was just trying to get ideas of how much things cost, because I have no idea. The insults kept coming. I don't have to put up with anyone insulting me on any level & that is why I told you to get out. I told you to get out because you said we were over & I don't have to listen to anyone insulting me on any level. I only called the cops because you told me to. Yes, the counselor said we did have the same story, but we were not understanding each other. & yes, I will own my part in not always communicating, but the reason I don't always is because you either show a disinterest or I get the response of you had a plan & this one is mine so I have to figure it out. So then I start making the decisions after weighing the options & since I was told you weren't going to lift a finger to help & I had to figure it out, I began trying to figure it out, all the while still trying to include you. & when I do get a response, it's not always an honest one, prime example being when I again brought up you being a stay at home dad. I wasn't suggesting it to you in hopes of you saying yes. I suggested it because I was posing another option your way. I wanted your honest opinion & you told me yeah that would be good, & I took your word for it & then in March, that became one of the things you kept telling me... that I was trying to take your manhood away by not wanting you to work & that wasn't the case. I wanted your input... your honest opinion.
& as for the Idaho decision, initially you thought it was a good move. Now you say I am moving back for selfish reasons because you know that's where I wanted to end up. I have never hid the fact that Idaho is home to me, however, I have also told you I could see settling down somewhere like Leavenworth area. The reason I am going to Idaho is because I wasn't left with many other options... when you don't have any money & the only other place you can go is southern California, the option is quite simple since southern California is most definitely not a place to raise kids & not somewhere I have ever wanted to live. My job, as we had discussed, had already been cut as far as the hours I was getting which was my overtime pay & that's where the money came from. In addition to the things I had planned & been counting & relying on since October, things fell through... Life happened. =) I was just talking with Peanut last week about that sort of thing.... Life happens, you roll with the punches & you make the very best decisions you can based on the information you are given at the time. When that information changes, you adapt & change. You make a new plan & move forward... what is important is that you always do your best & you will know you are doing alright if you can look yourself in the mirror. I digress. Back on point, circumstances changed & the options that were available to me changed. I was left with going back to a job where I would not even be making it between rent & childcare, I wouldn't have any left over for food or utilities, etc... So, after my therapist brought it up, it made sense. She explained that even I need to have love & support around me... & this past few weeks has proven to em a few things... first that, the fact that I am by myself in some ways, God must have some serious amounts of faith in me!!! & second that I am human on a more emotional level than I imagined... I feel it... I feel the loneliness at times... I think & I cry & I move forward the best way I know how for us. =) Lately my favorite saying is "cry your eyes out... cry yourself a river & then build a bridge or a boat to get to the other side." With that being said, again, Idaho is my only option currently. & speaking of God & everything happening for a reason, it just so happens I can still legally practice my massage there! So, the argument that I am being selfish & stupid about this is null & void... I did have a great job with my doc, but the fact is, I will be making 3 times the amount I was, even if I only charge the minimum.
I am not even sure why I am trying to explain all this. I am aware of the reasons I have made the decisions I have & our sweet girl is too. I am doing the very best I can with what i am given to work with. If I can't be grateful for what I am given, then why the hell should I be given anything more. Always make the best of everything in your life, you know? Look for that silver lining, because it is most definitely there...
& as for the Idaho decision, initially you thought it was a good move. Now you say I am moving back for selfish reasons because you know that's where I wanted to end up. I have never hid the fact that Idaho is home to me, however, I have also told you I could see settling down somewhere like Leavenworth area. The reason I am going to Idaho is because I wasn't left with many other options... when you don't have any money & the only other place you can go is southern California, the option is quite simple since southern California is most definitely not a place to raise kids & not somewhere I have ever wanted to live. My job, as we had discussed, had already been cut as far as the hours I was getting which was my overtime pay & that's where the money came from. In addition to the things I had planned & been counting & relying on since October, things fell through... Life happened. =) I was just talking with Peanut last week about that sort of thing.... Life happens, you roll with the punches & you make the very best decisions you can based on the information you are given at the time. When that information changes, you adapt & change. You make a new plan & move forward... what is important is that you always do your best & you will know you are doing alright if you can look yourself in the mirror. I digress. Back on point, circumstances changed & the options that were available to me changed. I was left with going back to a job where I would not even be making it between rent & childcare, I wouldn't have any left over for food or utilities, etc... So, after my therapist brought it up, it made sense. She explained that even I need to have love & support around me... & this past few weeks has proven to em a few things... first that, the fact that I am by myself in some ways, God must have some serious amounts of faith in me!!! & second that I am human on a more emotional level than I imagined... I feel it... I feel the loneliness at times... I think & I cry & I move forward the best way I know how for us. =) Lately my favorite saying is "cry your eyes out... cry yourself a river & then build a bridge or a boat to get to the other side." With that being said, again, Idaho is my only option currently. & speaking of God & everything happening for a reason, it just so happens I can still legally practice my massage there! So, the argument that I am being selfish & stupid about this is null & void... I did have a great job with my doc, but the fact is, I will be making 3 times the amount I was, even if I only charge the minimum.
I am not even sure why I am trying to explain all this. I am aware of the reasons I have made the decisions I have & our sweet girl is too. I am doing the very best I can with what i am given to work with. If I can't be grateful for what I am given, then why the hell should I be given anything more. Always make the best of everything in your life, you know? Look for that silver lining, because it is most definitely there...
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