Finding Closure In the Midst of Chaos

I post this so that some day, when my littles are old enough to ask questions, I can know for certain that I did all I could in regards to their father. Miya and Xander are my two greatest blessing in life. I have no idea what path I'd be on if they hadn't have come along, but I do know that I have maded the right decisions in all of this chaos.

As I sit here & think of what to write, there is so much I want to say & I am not even sure where to begin. Let me begin by saying that my love for you & our children has motivated me to do the things I have done in more ways than I could ever describe or say. I am certain you don’t see it as such & for that I am sorry. I guess a good starting point for me is to say that do I love you??? The answer is absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt. However, I love our children even more. Some of the things you have brought up the past few days, I would like to try to answer, the best that I can & hopefully you will understand why I do the things I do or say the things I say. You question my love for you saying that if you love someone you don’t abandon them & you don’t lie to them or keep secrets. I never have done those things. I am still here for you. You just don’t see it because it’s not how you would like for me to be. Unfortunately, circumstances beyond my control at this point have prevented me from being there for you the way you see fit. & In addition, the help you are looking for, I believe is truly not helping you at all. You say I am not there for you & I don’t love you because I am not there for you the way you want. I believe sometimes, the help we may want is not always what is in the best interest of ourselves. For instance, I think that me being there for you has only enabled you to keep thinking that everything is my fault & it allows you to shift the blame back to me without taking accountability or ownership for your part & your actions that have helped to get us to the point we are at. Another thing you have told me recently more than once, “I love you & I may not be telling you what you want to hear, but rather, what you need to hear.” That sums up how I feel & what I am trying to express to you.

Do you remember when we first decided to date? I told you I don’tneed you in my life, but that I want you there because you enhance it… you add to my life & you inspire me in so many ways & you make me want to be a better person. That same still holds true in many respects. I don’t need you in my life. I am happy on my own. I believe that in order to have a healthy relationship, you have to have 2 entirely whole & complete people. I think that people who say crap like, “you complete me”, or “you’re my other half” will never be able to be in a truly complete & fulfilling relationship, because in order to get there, there has to be 2 whole people to begin with.

One thing I want to make perfectly clear is that although there have been times where you have said you don’t blame me for the things in your life turning out the way they have, you change on a whim. One day you recognize it wasn’t me who got you there, the next it most definitely was me & not only did I put you there, but I have kept you there. I had nothing to do with you ending up in the homeless shelter. You ended up there due to your actions & whatever caused Jeff to ask you to leave his home. I want that to be made perfectly clear. I will not allow you to blame me for the choices that led you to where you are.

I am sorry you can’t see the reasons I took the measures I did in asking you to leave back in the beginning of October. To explain, since we’ve been here, all I have done is put my faith & trust in you. I told you before you came back to Whidbey & before we even got here that if you wanted us to work, we had to make everything first & foremost about Miya & providing her with stability, then working on our relationship. You agreed to that. Then, you told me to trust you & to just keep working to keep a roofover our heads while you saved up to get us a place of our own & a car, etc… That was exactly what I was doing. Then, you went & quit your job after being fired from another. In addition, as we’ve already been over this, but you insist you weren’t aware the event I was attending was an all day event. I told you weeks ahead of time thatit was an all weekend event & you had agreed to help with Miya. The day of, you bailed on helping me saying you had your own shit to do & to find someone else to watch her. Then, that night, you were right back to accusing me of being out on a date. I never changed, as you keep saying I had. I left in the same clothes I had on when I returned. You told me I had an hour to tell you where I really was after I explained where I had been, or that we were over. I refuse to play into your accusations when there is no truth behind them. I don’t know how many ways I can explain it to you, but our daughter will always be my top priority & I would not put her through instability of having her around strange men. Your accusations of me being out on a date were & still are completely ridiculous. I am not sure what you were expecting me to say… that you were right & I just sat Miya in a corner while her mama went to get her jollies off. So, you went outside to have your smoke, & I happened to pull up Facebook. You had posted a personal ad on your page looking for a hookup for the weekend, then you came in telling me you were leaving for the weekend. I do have more respect for myself than to allow anyone to treat me that way. I saw that & that was the reason I asked you to leave. I don’t have to put up with anyone disrespecting me in such a manner. And since then, you have still continued to disrespect me on multiple occasions. Afewexamples would be Allissa, Gordana, & “Ann”.

You ask for respect & trust & honesty & to be treated with dignity, but you don’t even see how you don’t & aren’t willing to treat others, including me, with those things. You say you’re the one man/ person who has been there for me & defended me & saved me, yet you are also the one man who continually throws me to the wolves & under the bus every time you don’t get your way. You immediately go to Facebook & publicly cry to anyone who will listen about how I am crazy or how I have wronged you in some way or what have you. One day, I get messages or speak to you & you tell me you have had a conversation with someone who has made you see that the things you do, like post on facebook, hurt me, and had you realized it, you would never have done it & that you’re sorry. Then, the moment you jump to a conclusion, you are right back to doing it all over again. You tell me someone points things out from my perspective & you finally understand & are sorry, then you go right back to doing it all over again. You say that I am playing victim & running with Miya & from life & I need to grow up & act like a mature parent that I should be. I have been so focused on growing myself, on working toward the future our daughter, & now son, can be proud of & deserve, but you can’t see it. All you can do is criticize my efforts & tell me to get a second & third job, all the while you barely just got this one. I suppose it bears repeating, since it also came up again. You mentioned that I gave up a career for MonaVie & taking a gamble on a business that hasn’t made it big yet (my massage). I need to clarify that I did not give up my career for MonaVie, nor had I ever intended to. I gave up my career because I could not afford childcare in Washington State. & based on the circumstances, I didn’t have any other options other than moving down to southern California. I haven’t even been working my MonaVie business since before we moved back here, other than to help at a few events, which you already know. & as for my massage, it has been getting us by, with next to no help from you, mind you. It may not be entirely sustainable income for us yet, but we are getting there & in the meantime, I have not turned down other jobs. As you keep pointing the finger at me & my efforts, what have you done? You were living with Jeff & Erin & could have easily got a job at Center Partners & would have had transportation, etc… Instead, you chose not to & to continue to blame me for everything. & even before then, when we first got here, we were at Mike & Erin’s & you took your time getting a job.

& while I’m on the Jeff & Erin topic, the conversation that led you to get kicked out had to do not with topless pics floating around the net, but with your post in open forum on Facebook about how you were telling people you were going to send them pics of me to jerk off to… You again can’t understand how disrespectful that is to me. That was the argument that got you kicked out of Jeff & Erin’s & I had nothing to do with that. As you like to continue to tell me, we are adults, so grow up & start acting like it. Quit blaming everything in your life on me. Quit playing the victim, you are 33 years old. It’s time to take a serious look at yourself & grow up. If not for yourself, for your children.

Here’s another perspective for you, since you like to say put yourself in the other person’s shoes for a while. You like to point out everything you gave up for me & rub it in my face. Try these shoes on for size. I was entirely financially stable before you. I had all my debt taken care of, I had a sizeable savings account, I had my own car, paid off, I had a fantastic job that was secure, I had my own place. After we began our relationship, I lost it all, including a nearly $8,000 savings account that was supposed to get us by while I was on maternity leave & such. What about the clothes I bought you or the camera that was over $1000? Also including medical expenses for Miya’s prenatal care & birth… & now, I am back in debt I have no savings account, my car was totaled, I didn’t have the option to go back to work at the office, and got evicted from our home. & if you want to talk finances, let’s talk the $780 it cost monthly to keep a roof over our heads, let’s talk the $120 monthly it cost to keep you heated to the 85degrees you had to have it at, let’s talk all the money spent on buying you smokes & beer simply because I love you & wanted you to be comfortable. Also, the money I leant your friend Ivan based on your word, & the tickets to get you home & the list could go on. Then let’s talk about who really lost out. The difference is, I don’t blame you for my choices to provide those things. I made the choices to provide those things for you & given what I know now about how things ended up, I can’t say I would have changed things. I might have done a few things differently, but overall, I would still have made the decision to providethose things without thinking twice. Why? Because I love you & because our daughter is the greatest blessing in my life & I wouldn’t trade her for anything! She is such a gift. I don’t ever bring up the things I gave up for you because I didn’t give them up for recognition or appreciation, I gave them up because I wanted to, because I love you. I never did, & still don’t expect anything in return. & the only reason I am bringing it up is in hopes that you can see that you aren’t the only one who made sacrifices.

& again, here you are itemizing your losses for me to see saying I drained you & your accounts… because you happened to pay for a handful of coffees for the ladies who happen to watch Miya, free of charge… they not only watched Miya, but allowed us to hang out at their house & even fed us multiple times & gave you coffee as well. They also allowed you to use their electricity while you sat on their internet for hours on end. They also allowed us to use their washer & dryer. Compared to the year I spent buying you smokes & beer, just the extras, not the necessities, you have spent NOTHING & still you complain about it.

Then you tell me if you are going to work towards a dome home for your family, but if I don’t help to your satisfaction or standards, then you aren’t going to share. What a slap in the face, especially considering I was the only one to make any efforts to provide & support you, myself & our daughter for quite some time.

Another perspective for you… the only reason you have seen Miya the times you have since October is because of my efforts. You have never made much of an effort to see her, other than telling me you’ll give me $10- $20 for gas if I bring her out. You already know the van won’t make it that far. However, you conveniently forget that fact, when you are the one who told me about the van when Fred & Linda first leant it to us. & then you sit & victimize yourself saying you haven’t seen Miya in over 100 days… I have done everything in my power to get her out to see you as often as I can, however, you don’t seem to realize we are inconveniencing others to get there when they have lives of their own.

Also, you say you’ve offered me money. You have given me $140 since October. That’s next to nothing when you factor in how much a baby actually costs. & I don’t ask you for anything. & you haven’t offered anything else. The only other money you offer, again, is $10- $20 to get out there & to drive you around or come visit. Which, if you are on such a tight schedule, then when would you have time to visit with us anyhow, especially since you pointed out your days are consumed by actual work & then chores & church & such a rigid schedule. My day is consumed with caring for Miya, growing a baby, & building my business so I can continue to support our daughter & soon to be son.

& since you asked about how I don’t have money when I seem to have massages or appointments so often… It’s called daily expenses, which right now, you know nothingof. I was keeping a roof over your head up until October by the massages I was doing. Since then, you have lived rent free & essentially bill free. You have never taken an active part in providing for our daughter &, as a matter of fact, when I brought up that I had to fill out child support paperwork in order to keep our food stamps & medical, your reply wasn’t at all concern for your daughter & how she was going to eat or be cared for. It was completely selfish & you again made it about you saying if I turned in that paperwork, it would ruin your life & that I had no idea what I was doing. Again, all I can tell you is I am doing the very best that I can. & again, our daughter & I both need to eat & until I can make enough to sustain us withoutfood stamps or medical, I will do what I have to do. & as it does need clarification since you keep telling everyone I am on welfare, I am not receiving money from anyone,including the state. We only receive food stamps & medical. I never imagined I would ever be on food stamps or state medical, & as hard as it has been to ask for help, our daughter will always come first & her welfare is my top concern & priority. I will beg if I have to if it means Miya is taken care of. & I can’t deliver our son on my own.

& for as many times as you claim you never see Miya & I am running with her & keeping her from you, how would you have a clue about anything she has or wants or needs? You don’t. You still have no qualms about saying what a bad mother I am & how I am ruining her life & damaging her. She is in no way damaged & by no means is she suffering… & that is a miracle which I thank God for every day. She has been through so much in her short time here & she is the very best baby in every way. Anyone who has seen her or been around her can tell you she is by no means damaged but quite well adjusted & very content. I have been able to achieve part of the goals we had discussed & my top priority, which was providing Miya with the stability she so desperately deserves. As for you & your rant about me putting her at risk due to not taking her to a medical doctor, but only taking her to a chiropractor, before you spout off about things you know nothing of, you should maybe take the time to listen to what I am saying…. Another example of why our communication is lacking. You always conveniently pick out the things you want to & forget about the rest of the conversation. & as for me not talking… what’s the point when you don’t ever listen anyhow? I have tried to talk to you & you just stop listening & immediately get defensive about things before I have even had a chance to finish what I have to say. The very best example I have of this proof is when you did find out I was pregnant with Xander. It took you 20 minutes before you even caught what I had said. & it wasn’t even in a phone conversation. It was in text form. You responded telling me to “fuck off & grow up…” because you had shit to do… 20 MINUTES LATER, I get a text back saying, “wait, you’re pregnant?” & back on point, for the record, I may not have taken her in to a medical doctor, however, I did get input from a registered nurse & she also spoke to a pediatrician. & if you had heard everything that I told you, she was already doing better when we had spoken. Her ears weren’t draining anymore. & another FYI, the chiropractor I took her to was not practicing outside of his scope of practice/ license. He is within his license as he can treat ear infections & he is able to drain the ears if necessary. & if he didn’t feel he was capable, he would have referred me elsewhere. He would never have put a patient in harm’s way, but you can’t see that.

Another thing you said is that you only go to the counselors to talk because I wasn’t talking to you. That tells me you don’t think they can truly offer you any wisdom of any kind. It’s just someone to listen to you & sympathize with you. I am truly sorry that you feel that way. I go to people because I know I have much to learn & I am aware that there are people out there who can give me advice & insight & wisdom into situations that I might feel that I need help with. The reason I went to the mental health professional last year on Whidbey… She really helped me to gain perspective in many areas of my life, not just our relationship. Also the reason I see Fr. Kemna… He is a very wise man with quite a bit of intuition & insight. & again, the reason I go to personal growth & self development courses or seminars… because I have much to learn if I want to grow, both personally & professionally & I want to grow… personally for myself & my children & professionally, to continue to develop skills that I can incorporate into my massage practice in one way or another.

Your perspective, as you demonstrate, is that you know pretty much everything & no one can teach you what you don’t already know because you have such amazing intuition & are such a success. You fail to realize that not everyone has the same idea of success as you. For instance, to me, I see success first as having a contented, healthy, well adjusted child who knows she is loved & cared for beyond a shadow of a doubt. Then comes providing her stability. Then comes all the rest of the stuff… So, to me, I have already succeeded in some areas. It doesn’t mean I just quit, not by any means. It means I move on to my next goal & set a new one. You also are so quick to judge those you truly know nothing of… & it’s apparent by the way you speak of them… Mainly referring to my friends, including some of the only ones who were willing & opened their home to us. & they never judged you as you seem to think all my friends do… that would be your friends. Your friends & family are quick to judge me based on something they know nothing of or about or based on your own ridiculous assumptions or speculations. & on that note, since you like to say I listen to all my friends, you are the one who involves them all to begin with & then, when they don’t agree with you, you completely write them off. You went to Shilo for advice when you thought I had cheated on you. She gave you her opinion & you then completely trashed her as did your mom & sister. You got into it with Deb & followed suit trashing her. You asked for Erin’s advice & then walked out when you didn’t hear what you wanted to hear. You involved my mom & my dad & couldn’t believe the things my dad said about you. Mind you, he formed his own opinion based on you & your actions. I never even spoke with him about any of it. Then, you posted on an open group forum of over 1500 people. When nearly everysingle person who did comment had the same advice, you threw it out & labeled all of them as crazy & having lost their minds. Those are just to name a few.

I notice with you, it’s the pot calling the kettle black. Here you always accuse me of keeping my friends around because they always only tell me the good & what I want to hear, etc… which in fact isn’t the case at all. The reason I have the people in my life I do have, is because I know they will give it to me straight, regardless. Something else you have repeatedly missed, is that just because I have people I get advice from, it doesn’t mean they coach me. I still am fully responsible for my own choices & actions. As for you, I notice you keep those people in your life who placate you & agree with you & stroke your ego & you throw out anyone who disagrees with you like they are yesterday’s garbage. At least the people I do get advice from I know will always give it to me as they see it & they will tell me if they think I am making a mistake or if I am wrong. & I can appreciate their input & make my decision all while still respecting them & their input…. & this may come as a surprise to you, but also all without dogging you or running you through the mud as all your friends & family seem to do to me repeatedly. You constantly tell me how you’re the one man who’s been there to protect & defend, yet actions have proven you have thrown me more to the wolves than anyone else I have known. If anyone should feel betrayed or hurt or wronged or like they are owed an apology, it should be me. I have never aired our personal business in a public forum unless it was to defend myself against your accusations.

You seem to think I only focus on the positive & that’s all my friends talk to me about & that is also not the case. I think about it all. I am grateful for the lessons I have acquired & I take them to heart. As I move forward, my hope is that I have learned from them. If I haven’t, then I evaluate it until I can learn something from it. I simply don’t dwell on it as you choose to do. Just like with us ending up homeless, don’t think I am not aware of where we ended up. I have evaluated my choices & actions that led us to being in that situation many times. I have learned from it & I move forward from now. You always bring it up to rub in my face at how right you were & how spot on your intuition was & how you predicted it 2 years prior to it happening. When I bring it up, it is merely to point out that you may have predicted it & I may have landed us there essentially, but what on earth did you do to prevent it??? Nothing! & your response to your daughter being homeless was “if it will teach you a lesson”. Where were your thoughts of your family then? Where was your concern for your daughter having a roof over her headthen?

I wish you could truly see yourself through my eyes. You would see that there is so much more to you, but you have already sold yourself short by being unteachable or unwilling to learn from anyone other than yourself. You are so capable of so many great things, yet you don’t seem to do anything but victimize yourself by saying others, mainly myself, put you in near impossible circumstances. It’s always others who have drained you or your accounts or taken everything from you. You blame everyone else foryour position in life & your circumstances.  You don’t ever see how your actions land you in those positions. You use that as an excuse for not digging yourself out of your rut. You almost have a defeatist attitude. & your attitude most definitely reflects a scarcity mentality, not an abundance mentality. If you aren’t given the tools you are wanting, you use it as an excuse to not go after anything else.Instead of using the tools you are given, you waste them. For instance, when we were on Whidbey, you always used the excuse that it was an island & that there weren’t any jobs unless you were rich, retired or military. There were jobs, you just weren’t applying yourself because they weren’t the jobs you wanted. There were jobs at nursing homes & jobs at the grocery store & even a guaranteed job at McDonald’s, but they weren’t the job you were looking for. You were so hell bent on blaming me for the job that you almost had with Tom & his company. I will admit, I did play a part in the reason you didn’t get that job, however, you still have never owned up to your part in how & why it played out the way it did & a job with him was no longer an option. If you want me to refresh your memory, you had given me an ultimatum saying we move or we’re over. I asked you where & you said you didn’t know. You said somewhere there would be opportunities for us both. I asked where again & you again said you didn’t know. I told you I couldn’t move then, especially with a baby on the way where starting a new job would mean no insurance coverage & not even guaranteed jobs. For two days, you had been telling me it was over & insulting me. I don’t have to put up with anyone insulting me & so I told you to leave. I told you to get your shit & get out. You said you weren’t going anywhere & told me to call the cops, so I did. That is how I ended up at Tom & Rebecca’s. The cops said they couldn’t make you leave & if I was upset, then I should go stay with a friend. & to top it off, that was also when you ended up in the hospital for taking too many sleeping pills & drinking the bottle of wine. & although the counselor didn’t think you were trying to kill yourself, you admitted to me that you were. You said you didn’t feel like you had anything left to live for because the woman you love & your baby just walked out the door & you were left with nothing. & another more recent example, you were blessed with a place to stay when Fred opened his home to you & again when Jeff & Erin opened their home to you. & even at the shelter, it took you how long to get a job?

& you continually say we are supposed to be a team, but how is it a team if you just expect me to trust you & you don’t let me in on the plan? & how am I supposed to trust you when it seems that every time I do, including when I tell you something in confidence, it ends up in open forum on Facebook? For instance when you said you had another plan in mind when you quit your last job here. How am I supposed to know you had another plan if you don’t tell me? I am not a mind reader. & more recently when you talk about us, you tell me over & over you can’t afford for me to be a stay at home mom… Have I ever been a stay at home mom??? Never. Even pregnant, I was the ONLY one working full time, 10-13 hour days most often & then some up until the very day before Miya was born. & as for things I have trusted you with, all you have to do is refer to your rants on facebook to see what I’m referring to if you don’t know.

I think it is fantastic that you are able to think far ahead, but in your thoughts, you never think about the immediate… another for instance, you say you are staying at the shelter to continue to build up your bank account.You don’t consider the immediate everyday needs of Miya. You haven’t even thought of the fact that she needs things, like diapers, wipes, clothes, medicines, soap, food, and the list goes on & on. & you keep tally of everything you have given to me or my friends but you never even consider the fact that we have still been blessed by the fact that I didn’t even include childcare, which, thanks to all my friends who you like to criticize, have been helping us with Miya for nothing other than a coffee here or there or a few dollars when I can afford it.

Also, I am not a mind reader & I take people at face value, so when I hear you telling me & see you texting me about how you’ve moved on, I am not going to beg you to stay. If you aren’t happy with me, as I have said many times, you, just like everyone else deserves happiness & even if that isn’t with me. I genuinely love you & would rather you happy than here with me & your children miserable… which brings me back to the reason I asked you to leave in the first place. Back in October, you were back to playing the blame game again saying you were bitter & had your own goals & dreams to attend to. I was simply giving you that out to go with no strings attached & to find your happiness & let go of your bitterness to find your peace & maybe even achieve those goals you were talking about. You say I am the one playing the games… take a closer look. Through all of this, I am still here, even though you telling me the horrible things you have, from publicly flaunting your whole personal ad, to you & Gordana on your facebook page, to you & Alissa, to you & “Ann”. But the very fact that you sit there & one day say you love me & the next I see a personal ad on your Facebook Page or get a text from “Ann” telling me that you have forgotten what it is to be a real man & she & her friends are going to show you what it is & how to be with real women while they are tag teaming you & such. Or Gordana on your Facebook page. If you need to role play with others, I am certain that you aren’t as happy as you sometimes say you are & you don’t really know what you want. & although you may not have ever actually done anything with anyone, to me emotional detachment is just the same if not worse. I would never have disrespected you in that way & whether or not those scenarios were made up to hurt me or real, the fact is, if you are going there, even if it is just role playing, I deserve to be treated with more respect than that. & I don’t want to be in a relationship where you need to go to someone else for gratification of any kind. The same goes for situations when you tell me you want to go on a date & if it’s not with me, then it will be with someone else. That doesn’t make me very eager to go on a date with you when it seems as though you only want to go but you don’t care who with.

First of all, I want to say that with everything that has happened since we have been together, I still love you more than ever. I am terribly sorry you see the actions I have taken as being negative & hurtful. That was never my intention.

I know from everything you have texted me & posted about me what you truly think & I am sorry that your opinion of me is terrible. I can’t change that, only by actions & I will continue to do the things I feel are necessary to show you how much I truly do love you. You accuse me of insulting you & degrading you & talking bad about you & ruining your name & your reputation. I have not done those things. YOU have by your own actions. I do not accept responsibility for your actions. I will not placate you, as your mother & some of your friends do by encouraging you in your wrong thinking that I am at fault for everything wrong in your life. Your ego & pride are what keep you chained to your past & keep you from moving forward in the positive direction you so desperately want in your life. I am so very grateful for the fact that you have found God in your life, but you will not be at peace until you let go & let God with all aspects in your life. You saying you have found God is one thing, but your words & even your actions speak otherwise in many respects. If you are that Christian you have made it known you are, then you would also see that running my name through the mud & calling me all sorts of horrible names is not Christ like in any way. & if you are a true follower of Christ, you boasting & bragging & putting others down is most definitely not indicative of that by any means. Christ truly would have turned the other cheek & prayed for those less fortunate than Him, not wished them harm or misfortune. There was a very inspiring article in our bulletin the other Sunday. It was about being Meek. It was something I took to heart & am striving to follow. It speaks of meekness & humility… true humility. Be as little children. Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth. Also, if you are truly a Christian, it’s not about those who make “sacrifices” with long faces & who show their sufferings. They are there for show & for human recognition. It is more virtuous for a man to put on a smile & show no man that they are suffering.

I realized something as I was rereading The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth. You blame me for everything & throw in my face everything you have given up for me & sacrificed for me, etc… then you say how could I do the things I’ve done to you after all you’ve done for me…. You didn’t do any of it without keeping score. Everything you have ever done for me has come back to haunt me later & been thrown in my face. Even though many are things that I never asked of you & never would have & in some cases, even encouraged you not to do. I am grateful for the things you have done for me & if I failed to show you my appreciation or gratitude, or if you failed to acknowledge it, then for that I am sorry, however, You chose to do those things & just because you did them, does not mean you own me or that I am indebted to you. Just as you are in no way indebted to me for the things that I chose to do for you.

It saddens me to think you can’t see that if I allow you to continue in this fashion, it is not truly love. It is a misguided concept that some people have of love. Love is to want what is truly best for the other, with no strings or hidden agendas or selfish motives behind it. Love wants the best for the other no matter the cost to themselves. That is all I have ever wanted for you. If I continued to placate you & allow you to blame me for all your problems, that is not love, that is a crutch that is truly damaging to not only you, but our children & myself as well. I refuse to be a part of that any longer.

I find it quite interesting that everything you accuse me of or that you have projected onto me, especially recently, as it pertains to my character & my actions & me being positive, etc… everything you have projected onto me is merely a reflection of you & how you must feel about yourself. All of the advice you keep giving to me, I wish you would only take it to heart yourself & follow through with it. For instance, you always want everyone to cut you slack & give you a break & such, yet when do you do that for others??? & you constantly say I lie & have ruined your name to everyone. I don’t have to lie or even talk badly about you… People can see the things you say on facebook & they form their own opinions of you. That has nothing to do with me. If you only realized how many times I defend you & tell people you may be misguided, but you aren’t a bad guy… how many times have you burnt me & yet, I still have faith in you. & again, speaking of ruining someone’s name & reputation, that’s what you have done to mine, over & over again & then you still seem to think you are the only man who has ever protected or defended me… maybe you need to think about what the definition really is before giving yourself the title of protector & defender. Then your recent text messages… again very contradictory. One minute you say one thing, the next it’s the complete opposite. This is, again, the reason I have let you be… so you can figure it out on your own. I don’t want to be that crutch that you can fall back on & blame anymore. I am tired of playing that role & I refuse to be your scapegoat anymore. You have your mom & sister & brother in law who play that position quite well. & since you brought up your dad & Sheri, saying even they haven’t come to see you, as you pointed out to me, maybe there is a reason why… just think about it & be honest with yourself.

As for more reflection, you are always wanting me to prove everything to you… prove I love you by coming to see you & bring Miya, in a van you know is not safe going that far, prove I love you by driving down to Caldwell from Whidbey with a newborn, by myself in a car with bad brakes, prove to you I love you by making an effort that you can see… with you it’s always proof… & you don’t put your daughter or her safety first, ever. & you want me to prove all this to you yet, where is the reciprocation? Where is my reassurance & proof that we aren’t going to end up down the same path again? History has a way of repeating itself if you ignore the issues or problems that got us there in the first place.

The biggest thing lately that you keep projecting onto me is how you hope I find my peace & happiness & figure out what I want in life…. It’s almost déjà vu & word for word what I told you multiple times. Back in October, I told you when you spouted off on the group page on FB, that everyone deserves happiness & to go after their dreams & goals & that we released you of all your obligations toward us & encouraged you to go pursue those hopes & dreams & goals that you were talking about that you had given up.I’m not sure how to make it any clearer to you, but I can assure you again for the millionth time, I do have my peace & my happiness & I do know what I want out of life.I have never made any comments to you that I am bitter or angry & resentful because I am not. My ultimate peace & happiness is Miya & now Xander. They are my entire life & my whole world. Everything else to them is just secondary & an added bonus. Don’t get me wrong, I still have goals & dreams, however, those goals & dreams do change slightly as life has changed for me. I am working toward those things every day & I have every faith that as I continue on this journey, I will achieve those goals & dreams & that I will eventually have new ones to add to my list. The other difference between you & I is I am focused daily on the goals that I have & not so much on what you are doing or anyone else for that matter. My first focus always goes toward thoughts of achieving the goals I have for myself for the sake of Miya & Xander.

I do always wish you well & hope that you are able to achieve your daily goals as well as your longer term goals, & if you focused more on your life, & didn’t micromanage the decisions & choices & things I do, you might be further than you are. It does make me a little crazy that you can’t seem to make any decisions until you know what I’m doing. I just want you to make a choice… your own choice, without my decisions influencing you. Every time you make a decision based on the choices I’ve made, you end up throwing it in my face down the line. Even you ending up at the shelter you have turned into me being responsible for, despite the fact that I am not nor did I have anything to do with it. I refuse to allow you to thinkthat it’s okay to blame me for your choices.

Another bit for you to maybe reflect on is that you always make sure to say how smart you are & how you don’t need the advice of others because you have such great foresight that you saw 2 years ago that we would end up homeless. I don’t even care about the fact that we did end up homeless. What I have tried to ask you about the situation is that if you foresaw it, what did you do to prevent it? How come you didn’t lift a finger to help? & the fact of the matter remains that you essentially left us homeless before we really had to be. Your newborn daughter would have been homeless if it weren’t for her grandfather & your response to that was if it would teach me a lesson, you would let it happen. How can you say you have sacrificed so much for your family & your children? Your first thought always falls to number one. Your children & myself are mere afterthoughts. Even just a few weeks ago, you were bragging about upgrading your phone & buying a car because of what a huge success you are even being homeless. Those were your first thoughts, not Miya or Xander or myself. In fact, there wasn’t even mention of us anywhere by you. Someone else had to bring your kids into the post.

You tell me maybe God isn’t answering my prayers because I threw what He had given me away… my family. As a matter of fact, since you have begun to bring God into things, I prayed for Him to give me a neon sign to know what I should do back in October & long before. You gave me that neon sign in the form of you telling me it was over in an hour if I didn’t tell you the ‘truth’ about where I was, even though I already had. & my neon sign began flashing when I pulled up facebook & saw your little personal ad for the hookup for the weekend… & truth be told, if you honestly can’t look at that situation & see you had any fault in any of the outcome, then I don’t know what to say. I am 100% responsible for the choice I made that night & I take full accountability & responsibility for my decision.Would I do the same thing over? I sure would if that is how you treat me. Miya deserves a role model who will teach her that it is never okay for people to treat her in such a manner & it is never okay to treat others that way. If there is one thing I hope to impart to her it is to have respect for herself & not to ever allow herself to feel bad because of what others might say or think of her. I don’t ever want her to feel like she needs to apologize to others for who she is or what she thinks. I want her to be her own person through & through & to be proud of that fact & to know it’s alright if not everyone likes her or shares her opinion.It is not for me to be responsible for your choices & decisions then or any other time, however. So, yes, God has blessed me in more ways than I can ever express, & especially more recently. I just don’t feel the need to answer to you for everything I do & as you continue to make your assumptions about me, I just continue to remain focused & work hard. Again, not sharing with you all I do or have done because I am tired of having my life scrutinized by you & publicly on facebook. & I completely agree with you that hard work does pay off. I also completely agree & always have that faith without works is empty… or, as you put it many times, praying & waiting isn’t going to get you anywhere. You have to put in the effort & do the work. I do that daily, believe me!

Something else I have thought about. You always say, birds of a feather flock together. Well, on that note, you flocking to your mom & sister & brother in law who you say are all so sick & who have no problems fighting with each other & don’t care about pregnancies when they do it, etc… & you’re concerned with the people I associate with? For one, they only continue to foster your misconceptions & your insecurities. That is not true love. At least I can say I go to the people who I know are going to guide me toward what is truly best for Miya & myself. Those people include your dad & Sheri. The people I go to also, just to clarify, I go to for advice only. It doesn’t mean they coach me or that I always do what they suggest. I listen to their advice & I make educated decisions with the knowledge I have at the time. For instance, my choice in not telling you I was pregnant sooner had nothing to do with me wanting to keep it a secret from you in any way. It had more to do with a few different things. First off, I had to consider the things that happened the month before Miya was born. The midwives tried warning you we were in danger of being pre-eclamptic & you really could have cared less. My main goal this time around, with that knowledge & the knowledge of what happened with Miya, was to keep my stress levels down as much as I could to keep our baby boy as healthy & safe as I could. & seeing that I have already been stressed pretty much since before we moved back here, I figured it was the best choice I could make at the time. Then, there was the factor of you continuing to flip flop & be so indecisive about what you want when it comes to us as a family, when it comes to what you want to do with your life, etc… I wanted you to make a choice without any extra interference from the outside. I wanted you to have control of your life & not feel pressured to be somewhere because of any outside circumstances. If you chose to stay & make an effort, I wanted it to be a free choice, not one made based on the fact there was an additional factor there. I would rather you have been here freely by choice, so you wouldn’t later be able to blame me for that decision also. & another little aside, not that it really had any effect on my decision not to tell you sooner about being pregnant, was that I already knew you were going to question paternity, because it’s what you do. With you already convinced I had been out on a date, etc… it was the next logical conclusion for you to bring up paternity. & what do you know. & also, for the record, to this day, I have not been with anyone else other than you since my ex husband & even that was a few years before the divorce was even finalized. & as far as people not telling you I was pregnant, it wasn’t their news to tell. Don’t blame others for my choices. &, in addition, there weren’t too many people who actually knew anyhow. Another tidbit of info for you… if you truly did the math, with me being due May 2, that would mean we conceived like the first week of August sometime. It would have been even before the car accident.

The reason I have not included you in many of the decisions I have made since October is quite simple. As I told you when I posted in the group after you put all our business up there, I have only ever wanted for you to be happy… truly happy & at peace. I see you desperately wanting it & trying to get it, but, for some reason, you won’t allow yourself to reach it, or you are not truly happy. You say you are, however, actions speak much louder than words ever will.  You say you are happy, and sometimes in the same day, sometimes an hour, a week, or a month or 2 later, you change in an instant. Perfect example of this is last Friday. We spoke in the morning, you said our prayers with us, you got to work & said you loved us & to have a good day. I unfortunately got bombarded with all sorts of things & hardly even had my phone with me & when I did have time to check it, I see we’d gone from the good start in the morning to I am damaging Miya & running with her & keeping you from her, etc… There have only ever been two times that I truly kept Miya from you. The first was back on Whidbey when I had the temporary restraining order placed, which I have already explained. Under the circumstances, & with how you had been behaving & talking, I did what I felt I needed to in order to protect Miya. All I could see is coming home to you having killed yourself as you had been talking of doing & to Miya being there in the same room with you screaming her brains out. Again, I never did it out of spite or to be malicious. The reason I didn’t go through with the permanent order was because I do trust your dad, who I know genuinely loves you, Miya & myself, not because as you have posted all over facebook, I lied in my statement. You know I didn’t lie & even in your letter to the courts you said that.

The other instance was when you were at Fred’s. I also had good reasons for not telling you where we were, however, even then, I still didn’t keep you from her. I met you & we did spend time together. Then, as you like to say, I only want you around when it’s convenient, or when I need saving. That is the furthest thing from the truth. So, the night before last was the first we’d spoken in 2 weeks. Although not much else was said other than I mentioned that for the record, with my due date in May, that would put conception at the beginning of August.

Then, last night, I was trying to talk to you & again, it ended up as it always does, despite the fact that you were most definitely calm. I must say, you listened in the beginning, but it’s obvious either you hear the words I’m saying & just aren’t truly listening, or you are & choose to ignore it, or you listen to an extent & then you stop to formulate your rebuttal. I was telling you that this pregnancy has been quite a bit different from Miya’s in many regards & that I have been extremely drained & even sick. I explained that my top priorities must be the focus of our babies. By the end of the conversation, we were right back to me needing to prove to you if & how much I truly love you, by making it out to see you & spending a day talking & such. You can’t see at all that this is how it always goes. You want me to prove to you. & the times I have made the effort, there is no reciprocation. I didn’t do it with having you reciprocate in mind, it is simply to point out that you are still wanting me to do all the work. You want me to find a way out there. It’s not as simple as it was considering Katie is working again more steadily & people really do have lives. Aside from that, you know the van won’t make it out that far, yet it really doesn’t seem you care about that. You told me this morning where there is a will, there is a way… & how true that is. Instead of sitting waiting for me to come see you & bring Miya to see you, why not at least attempt to meet me half way, instead of expecting me to do all the work? Why not arrange something to where we meet in Spokane Valley or Liberty Lake, where you know the van can make it. That thought never even crosses your mind, instead, you are quite content to just wait for us to come to you, & then sit & blame me for not seeing your daughter & telling everyone I am keeping her from you. Another point that was obviously missed, but the fact is, what money I do make goes first & foremost to Miya & her needs, then gas money & then prenatal vitamins & such for the care of baby boy.Well, tonight, you asked me what I am grateful for about you… right before you said all I see are your bad qualities. For one, I just want to point out that I have not been the one focusing on your qualities, good or bad. You have. I have been too busy focusing on Miya, Xander & my own self improvement & self growth.

I do, however everyday thank God for the fact that we reconnected. I also tell Miya regularly about the many things I love about you. I tell her about how big of a heart you have… about what an animal lover you are & how you rescued a baby shark & how I still envision seeing you two tracking deer & mice & feeding pigeons & crows.

I remember how long we’d talk on the phone when we reconnected & how much I enjoyed hearing your voice. I remember how encouraging you were about me finishing my schooling, which, by the way, I have out & am going to begin working on so I can finally be done & get my diploma.

I was thinking about what a unique perspective you have on life & how you capture some truly incredible moments through the lens of a camera. I was thinking about picking you up at the airport & the ferry ride & car ride & taking you out to explore the island & showing you all my favorite spots. I remember our days at William’s coffee shop & the chats we’d have with him & Elizabeth & then the science teacher. & Washington Park & Double Bluff & Chuckanut Drive up to Bellingham. I remember our ferry ride to meet Joey & Cheyla for pictures.

I was just thinking about our birthing classes & the class we had on babies heads molding… =D Still brings a smile to my face.

You say I am the one who says all these horrible things about you & in reality, I don’t. You may have asked me a question a time or two & I have simply answered your question, however, you are the one who can’t let it go & keeps dwelling on it & bringing it up. It’s seems like you want desperately to be so positive, but you can’t let go of anything negative that someone says about you. Do you realize for the few things that you say I have called you, you have called me that & more.

You truly need to take your blinders off & recognize the situation for what it really is. For all the times I have told you I am not coached & nobody tells me what to do. I may get advice, yes, however, I make my own decisions, no one else does that for me. Another situation where it’s like the pot calling the kettle black. One person puts a bit of an idea in your head & you run with it & it becomes gospel to you before you even have your ducks in a row thoroughly. Remember the Venus Project??? That is a good example of what I mean. It was an excellent idea in many ways, but as soon as I expressed any reservations about it in any way, you immediately jump to the conclusion that I doubt you & your judgment, & I am not supportive, etc… Also, you need to thoroughly understand that because I express an opinion or think you may be acting a certain way, it doesn’t mean I think you are that way all the time or if I comment on a particular attitude or behavior, you lock in on only the parts you want to hear & you don’t listen to the rest. You do it with text messages too, as I’ve already pointed out how long it took you to even realize I was telling you I was pregnant. I am sorry for you that you can’t truly grasp the things I try to tell you at times. I am also sorry that you feel you are so above counseling even to learn to communicate better.

For as often as you want me to walk in your shoes, when have you EVER tried walking in mine. You say you are all about family & you sacrifice everything, but you don’t think about your own actions & how they may effect/ affect those you claim you love. An example, is last year the month before Miya was born. You were at nearly every prenatal appointment we had & all of a sudden, because the midwives were expressing concern & you were so stuck inside of yourself & you being right that you didn’t hear a word they were saying when they were trying to tell us that I had lost 7 of the 10 lbs I had gained & that with my blood pressure as high as it was, I was I danger of being pre eclamptic. They were trying to warn us to keep my stresses down or it could endanger Peanut… & myself. You stormed out of the visit & then post all over Facebook how I ambushed you with counselors…. Now that is pure paranoia. Then, I get home from work after & you are telling me how you blame me for everything & you’re always going to be bitter & resent me. To protect Miya, I told you if you wouldn’t go somewhere to cool off, then I would. You wouldn’t, so I did. At no point did I say I was going to keep you from going to your interview, yet you had posted all over how I took the car & was not going to let you use it to go to your interview. You even called my mom & told her that. I guess to sum up, here are the key points I am trying to make to you & also answer your questions of what do I want.

I want us to be a fully functioning & stable family in all regards… mentally, spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially, all of it.

I want our communication to actually be just that, none of the current form which we have where you talk & talk about the past & then never truly hear a word I try to say & then complain to everyone that I never talk. It’s pointless to talk when the other person isn’t listening & often, that is exactly what happens with you. You hear one thing & quit listening or glaze over while you try to come up with some retort & then I never get to finish.

I need some proof of stability from you. I am very happy & proud of you that you got a job & one that you like, but getting the job isn’t the problem, it’s keeping it. Keep the job for more than a few months.

Show me that this victim attitude has changed & quit the blaming & just go after some of those goals & dreams you talk about all the time. Stop focusing on me & focus on yourself. Until you are truly happy with yourself & at peace with yourself, you’re never going to find that happiness, peace & stability you are looking for.

I want you to make your own decisions without waiting to know the decisions I make first. I want you to have that power over your own life. I don’t want it. That is whatalways gets us in these spots & cycles. You don’t make a decision until you hear what my decision is & then you blame me for everything down the road. You constantly say you are waiting on me & my decisions before you make a move… well, please, don’t. Just make your move.

Before we ever live together, just as you brought up, & I wholeheartedly agree, I will not live with you unless we are married.

& just when I think I have finally finished I get a slew of text messages all over again. You keep giving me advice on how to be positive, yet bash me for it at the same time, telling me all my friends are only telling me the positive & not the entire picture. I do in fact see the entire picture. I evaluate is & learn fromit & move on. Te only change is, I don’t dwell on it.

You tell me to think because it’s not just about me I am so fully aware of that fact. The moment I found out about Miya, it stopped begin about me.My entire life changed with that bit of news. If you could only take your own advice. Go back & read through your texts… You turn everything into how you are affected by it. Just like you saying you haven’t seen anyone in over 100 days. Then you cry to everyone saying I am keeping your children from you. At least be honest about the situation & don’t make things up to play the victim. You know that the times you have seen Miya have been because of my efforts, not yours. You know full well, I am reliant on other people. & since you seem to need clarification, we are more than 20 minutes away from you and the van does not go that far. However, you would still rather I try to drive it out there and get stuck pregnant and with Miya then putting them and their needs and safety first.

and since you seem to want everybody to think that I eat out regularly, I don't have money to be eating out.

You keep saying I abandoned you and took Miya's dad away. I did ask you to leave, but, again, be realistic. How can you say you were being a father and a head of the family when you quit your job? It wasn't like we were in our own place yet. You didn't even sit down and talk to me first about it. I thought you said we were a team. You quitting your job the way you did – because you just knew they didn't like you and would've fired you anyways, you quitting to pursue your Garnet digging, polishing and selling is no different from me and Monavie, except I never intended on quitting my job to sell Monavie and you know that.

You keep telling me you just want me happy and hope I find my peace in life. I can assure you and reassure you that I am happy and I do have my peace.

As for Miya's birth certificate, you were there when the midwives told us we needed the form notarized to have you on it since we weren't legally married. You not being on it had nothing to do with a choice that I made. And again, speaking of putting Miya first, that is exactly what I did and why the paperwork didn't get notarized had to do with me focusing on keeping my stresses down so we weren't in danger. Very similar to how I told you that both you and Shilo were irrelevant, at that point, so was a piece of paper. It obviously wasn't very important to you because you could have had it done. You didn't have a job. You sat home on the computer. I was the one working 10 to 13 hours a day. And since you think I've had this master plan all along, I guess you should know I have better things to do with my time than plot against you.

As for you and your sources, in regards to a supposed warrant, maybe you should check your facts before spewing all your BS and lies on Facebook. Unless you and your lawyer know something Washington State and Island County and Oak Harbor don't, there is no warrant.... And you say I ruined your name?

Why do I hate you? Quit victimizing yourself! You are your own worst enemy. I don't hate you even though you have given me plenty of reasons too. And again, you had the same info I did when it came to adding you to the birth certificate for Miya. As for why I didn't tell you about Xander sooner, I thought I already explain that but again, I will go over the list. With you going back and forth with blaming me for everything, with you telling me you still resented me and were still angry and bitter, and let's not forget about Allissa, Gordana, "Ann", and your personal ad on Facebook, the choice was pretty clear. And that isn't even the main reason for my decision. The very biggest reason for my decision to not tell you about Xander sooner was because, as I have always said, I wanted you to have a choice so you couldn't blame me any longer. I love you and I want you to find that happiness and peace and achieve those goals and dreams you talk about that are so important to you. I want you to let go of your anger and resentment and bitterness.

I wanted you to have control of your own life. I didn't want your choice to be clouded by any other factors. And as for you blaming me, you have not lived with me since September and you still find a way to blame me. And another reason I questioned telling you about Xander is also based on past experiences. Look at the month before Miya was born if you want reason or proof. Preeclampsia is no joke and it can kill baby and mama.

I wish you take your own advice. You deserve to be happy and at peace and fulfilled just like anybody else does. I wish you would forget about me and the choices and decisions I make and remember who you are and what you want out of life. Someone who protests about how happy they are yet is still full of resentment and bitterness is lying to themselves. We love you and support you in whatever those decisions and choices would be, so long as they are your own.

And to quote you, "When you come to your senses and reality sets in what are you going to do after you realize one day that the choices you're still making and excuses you still live with just keep getting out of hand? You want me to show some concern but you're doing this to yourself and the kids... I didn't make you make any decisions..." You said that pretty cut and dry. Now read your own words and take your own advice. You are a contradiction to yourself and can't even see it.

You want me to talk to you and you break my trust every time I do. You put it all out in public. It would be so nice to share things with the man I love, however, I choose not to based on past experiences. When I do share things with you, even the things I've said in confidence, you've put them all out for public scrutiny and you've judged me and misconstrued most of what I say. So yes, my guard is up now.

I have to agree there is truth when you said our children's future can't wait. I also like to add, neither can their present. That's what I've been trying to explain but you don't hear me.

And again, you are quick to assume and judge me when it comes to the things I've done and even the things you assume I've done. All that time and attention you focus on me I wish you'd focus it on yourself. You'd be so much further and have so much more accomplished.

There are so many things I wish I could share with you but you just stop listening and start planning how your comeback is going to go. I'd love to be able to tell you I've been really sick and that Miya is better and Xander's check up went well, but how do I know you won't twist my words and they won't end up on Facebook?

As for the $200, you know of course it would help. You also know I don't have a way out there. As you always say, where there is a will there's a way. If you still wanted to help, you could always deposited into my account. But then is it going to be something else that you are keeping tabs on, just like the coffees for the girls who watch me. Are you going to hold that against me to?

And again in your texts, it's not about figuring your own life out even though you admit to not being happy and that you haven't been for a long time. It's about you needing a break and being ready to meet new people and exploring your options. You then say your family was hijacked – where's the concern for your family two sentences before when you say you're going to meet new people and explore your options?

As far as your experiences as a father being a mockery and you being made to look like a joke of a man, I hope you aren't implying that is my fault as well. I also hope you realize being a father is more than just a name. It seems as though you want the title when it's easy and you want to take care of Miya when she's not fussy. I have tons of people who have seen you interact with Miya and whenever she gets fussy you always give her back to me and most of the time you have her you're more focused on the computer. Instead of interacting with her, you face her away from you. You can't blame me for not bonding with your daughter.

How do I pull you in and push you away? I've been saying the same thing for nearly a year now. Go back and check your emails from last year. Ask any of the people I've spoken to, even ask the EXS group you posted in.

And how do you figure I took advantage of you?

You said you waited 31 years for a family with a good woman – and planned it to be a one time thing. If you could only see your family is still here and still loves you and supports you. But we can't keep going in this cycle. Our children deserve stability in all aspects of their lives. Don't you get that yet? They deserve the very best of both of their parents. Do you want to be happy or would you rather be right all the time? If you want to be happy then you need to figure out why you aren't. Only you can and only you can fix it. As for you saying no one even cares enough to come visit you, maybe by deciding to change and actually doing it, just maybe, those around you will change too. When you have so many people who all have the same opinions, it may be wise to at least explore the option, no?

You top of being burnt out and not having energy. That is how I have felt for months. Growing one baby, taking care of and nursing another, who got sick, then getting sick myself, in addition to still massaging people, plus never knowing what to expect from you – yeah, tell me about not having energy and being burnt out.

I have no idea what your lawyer is talking about. He's never met or spoken to me. And either he needs to get his facts straight or you need to listen better and you should probably let him know it's not good for a lawyer to speculate, assume or guess. Lawyers are supposed to be God when it comes to finding facts and getting them straight. I would ask for your money back.

And after all these ups and downs and back-and-forth, you're now back to saying you love and miss us.

Off-topic, but father Hewko said hello and he wishes he had more time and could have met you.