Saturday, February 26, 2011
Fish Out of Water
Alright, so today was an interesting day. Cloud nine is dissipating as reality is setting in. I am steering blind. Up until now, I have always been in the driver's seat. With every relationship, I have been in control & in charge. It is strange, however, not necessarily a bad thing. I am thankful for the level of respect & complete honesty of this relationship beyond belief! It feels great to know that I can share my opinions & thoughts & actually get a response & vice versa. The level of respect just keeps increasing with every passing day. I love where this is headed & am excited to be on this journey.
Friday, February 18, 2011
A Fresh Start
Divorce papers have officially been filed! It is a huge weight off my shoulders. You know, I was recently asked if I had any regrets. My answer is no. I was also recently asked if I was still hung up on Dave. My answer is also no. The thing I have realized is that there is a monumental difference between loving someone & being in love. I absolutely can say with certainty that I loved Dave, but I was definitely not in love with him. Do I have any regrets or would I change a thing? Absolutely not! If I change anything about my life, then I lose a part of who I am today.
On the same subject of fresh starts, This is something I haven't really been able to put into words or express yet, but I am going to attempt it. LOVE... yes, i know, but once again, I am going to try. I was asked if I was serious & what I was looking for. First question of if I am serious... YES! Absolutely! I have taken the plunge. I don't take this subject lightly & would never pull on anyone's heart strings for fun. Initially, I felt as though I needed to wait until I got all my shit together. By this, I mean finalizing the divorce & getting my high school diploma & getting to my healthy weight, figuring out exactly where I am truly headed. The thing I realize is that love just happens. it doesn't wait for when you are "ready". Somewhere down the line, between the focus on myself & getting back to me & obtaining my goals & making new goals, I fell hard & fast. Mike was completely unexpected. I had no idea I was going to fall for this man the way I have. He was my breath of fresh air. He gave me the push I needed in so many ways. He pointed out things I had forgotten & challenged me the exact way I need to be challenged. Most of all, he allows me to be me... unapologetically me with all my quirks & oddities. He has shown me unconditional love before he ever said the words. He gave me a comfort & peace I hadn't felt in so long. As for what I am looking for, I wasn't even aware I was looking. It just fell into my lap. That one act expanded my horizons again & made me realize that not only is it okay to be simply me, but I have more potential that I haven't even tapped into yet. I can reach beyond the stars & I can achieve anything I set my mind to. As for the second part of the question of what am I looking for? Nothing that I was aware of, but I found it anyways. A few months ago, I sat down & made a small list of things that I knew that I wanted when I was ready to move on. I will copy that list & post it here: Someone with strong moral & religious convictions. Someone who is honest & reliable. He must be trustworthy & open. He must be respectful & confident, faithful & kindhearted. He should be motivated & open. I think he should be someone who challenges me & gives me mental stimulation & who enjoys debate. He should appreciate me for me, not want to change me. He should be genuine & self sufficient. I want a partner, not a child. I want someone who appreciates life the way I do & who won't take anything for granted. I want someone who will encourage me not dissuade me from becoming a better person. In a relationship, I want someone who inspires me & motivates me to be a better person & I would hope he would want the same from me. I feel that we should both be able to grow as individuals & as a couple. We should have similar interests to some degree... like being active & loving to learn & music & wanting to do things together. I want someone who is content to just be with me... whether its sitting at home talking & spending a quiet night together or going out. I want to know that I bring them the same peace & happiness that they bring to me. I want to feel safe, like no matter what life throws in our path, that we can handle it... TOGETHER! I want to know that they accept the things I believe & that they don't want to change my mind on those things. I think the occasional gift is nice, such as flowers or a romantic night out, but these things are just an added bonus. I think that they should show they love me & appreciate me every day, not just on a special occasion or holiday or anniversary.
Well, that's what I came up with thus far.
& now back to LOVE... You know, I was recently told that a part of me hadn't let go of my first love. Romantically, I had my closure, however looking back, I gave the relationship more power than I would have admitted previously. By this, I mean that in a lot of ways, I was always measuring my other relationships to this one. Years ago, I felt that this relationship was the most genuine & the most real & also that I didn't deserve to be loved so unconditionally, so, when I got into other relationships, I always set the bar for what I felt that I deserved. I was in relationships that were completely unhealthy. I was in mentally abusive relationships where the guy told me I was shit & he would openly cheat on me, telling me there was nothing I could do about it & I stayed in it because that was what I felt I deserved. I was in relationships for nothing other than spite & rebellion. Then I finally married, thinking that my idea of love was right & that there was no difference between love & being in love.
Enter Mike... I don't even know where to begin. We've known each other for quite some time, yes, however, we've only recently gotten to really get to know each other. In that time, I have grown by leaps & bounds as is obvious by everyone who sees me regularly. I can't pinpoint when or how things happened. All I can say is that I have fallen head over heels for him & that I am truly & madly in love with him! Something I realized today in talking to William, the lovely owner of the Local Grown Coffee Shop in Coupeville, is that for once in my life I am not comparing this relationship to anything in my past. It is now the bar for what I compare other things to. I didn't know it was possible to feel this deep or love this much. This relationship is so different from any other in so many ways. First of all, Mike is the only person I have ever admitted I loved.I have told others I loved them, but not before they have said it first. Of course, I am terrified of all the things that this means... I have dove face first... leaped without the net. I have no idea what comes next, but I can say that I can see a future with this man! Whatever happens, I just don't want to have regrets. I don't have a clue where this is headed, but I want to get the opportunity to find out. I want to know that I truly lived & loved without fear holding me back. If I am reading the cards wrong & we aren't intended for each other, I know that any other relationship will be measured by the standards he has set. I will accept nothing less.
On a side note, Mike is also growing & changing is so many ways. He was accepted into school for Aviation Mechanics & now that he is actually there, I am so thrilled for him! I love seeing the changes in him. He is like a little boy with a new toy. Soo excited & it shows. I have no doubt he loves me, however, I do occasionally wonder whether I am good for him. I wonder if I am going to distract him from accomplishing his goals or whether our relationship is going to hold him back from some other great experience. He's going through just as many life changes as I am & I would hate to know that in some way I held him back. I suppose all this goes back to the jumping without the net. I know that he will always be open & hoenst with me & so, with that in mind, I lay my worries aside. I do know that we will always remain the best of friends if nothing else & that right there makes everything else seem so small.
On the same subject of fresh starts, This is something I haven't really been able to put into words or express yet, but I am going to attempt it. LOVE... yes, i know, but once again, I am going to try. I was asked if I was serious & what I was looking for. First question of if I am serious... YES! Absolutely! I have taken the plunge. I don't take this subject lightly & would never pull on anyone's heart strings for fun. Initially, I felt as though I needed to wait until I got all my shit together. By this, I mean finalizing the divorce & getting my high school diploma & getting to my healthy weight, figuring out exactly where I am truly headed. The thing I realize is that love just happens. it doesn't wait for when you are "ready". Somewhere down the line, between the focus on myself & getting back to me & obtaining my goals & making new goals, I fell hard & fast. Mike was completely unexpected. I had no idea I was going to fall for this man the way I have. He was my breath of fresh air. He gave me the push I needed in so many ways. He pointed out things I had forgotten & challenged me the exact way I need to be challenged. Most of all, he allows me to be me... unapologetically me with all my quirks & oddities. He has shown me unconditional love before he ever said the words. He gave me a comfort & peace I hadn't felt in so long. As for what I am looking for, I wasn't even aware I was looking. It just fell into my lap. That one act expanded my horizons again & made me realize that not only is it okay to be simply me, but I have more potential that I haven't even tapped into yet. I can reach beyond the stars & I can achieve anything I set my mind to. As for the second part of the question of what am I looking for? Nothing that I was aware of, but I found it anyways. A few months ago, I sat down & made a small list of things that I knew that I wanted when I was ready to move on. I will copy that list & post it here: Someone with strong moral & religious convictions. Someone who is honest & reliable. He must be trustworthy & open. He must be respectful & confident, faithful & kindhearted. He should be motivated & open. I think he should be someone who challenges me & gives me mental stimulation & who enjoys debate. He should appreciate me for me, not want to change me. He should be genuine & self sufficient. I want a partner, not a child. I want someone who appreciates life the way I do & who won't take anything for granted. I want someone who will encourage me not dissuade me from becoming a better person. In a relationship, I want someone who inspires me & motivates me to be a better person & I would hope he would want the same from me. I feel that we should both be able to grow as individuals & as a couple. We should have similar interests to some degree... like being active & loving to learn & music & wanting to do things together. I want someone who is content to just be with me... whether its sitting at home talking & spending a quiet night together or going out. I want to know that I bring them the same peace & happiness that they bring to me. I want to feel safe, like no matter what life throws in our path, that we can handle it... TOGETHER! I want to know that they accept the things I believe & that they don't want to change my mind on those things. I think the occasional gift is nice, such as flowers or a romantic night out, but these things are just an added bonus. I think that they should show they love me & appreciate me every day, not just on a special occasion or holiday or anniversary.
Well, that's what I came up with thus far.
& now back to LOVE... You know, I was recently told that a part of me hadn't let go of my first love. Romantically, I had my closure, however looking back, I gave the relationship more power than I would have admitted previously. By this, I mean that in a lot of ways, I was always measuring my other relationships to this one. Years ago, I felt that this relationship was the most genuine & the most real & also that I didn't deserve to be loved so unconditionally, so, when I got into other relationships, I always set the bar for what I felt that I deserved. I was in relationships that were completely unhealthy. I was in mentally abusive relationships where the guy told me I was shit & he would openly cheat on me, telling me there was nothing I could do about it & I stayed in it because that was what I felt I deserved. I was in relationships for nothing other than spite & rebellion. Then I finally married, thinking that my idea of love was right & that there was no difference between love & being in love.
Enter Mike... I don't even know where to begin. We've known each other for quite some time, yes, however, we've only recently gotten to really get to know each other. In that time, I have grown by leaps & bounds as is obvious by everyone who sees me regularly. I can't pinpoint when or how things happened. All I can say is that I have fallen head over heels for him & that I am truly & madly in love with him! Something I realized today in talking to William, the lovely owner of the Local Grown Coffee Shop in Coupeville, is that for once in my life I am not comparing this relationship to anything in my past. It is now the bar for what I compare other things to. I didn't know it was possible to feel this deep or love this much. This relationship is so different from any other in so many ways. First of all, Mike is the only person I have ever admitted I loved.I have told others I loved them, but not before they have said it first. Of course, I am terrified of all the things that this means... I have dove face first... leaped without the net. I have no idea what comes next, but I can say that I can see a future with this man! Whatever happens, I just don't want to have regrets. I don't have a clue where this is headed, but I want to get the opportunity to find out. I want to know that I truly lived & loved without fear holding me back. If I am reading the cards wrong & we aren't intended for each other, I know that any other relationship will be measured by the standards he has set. I will accept nothing less.
On a side note, Mike is also growing & changing is so many ways. He was accepted into school for Aviation Mechanics & now that he is actually there, I am so thrilled for him! I love seeing the changes in him. He is like a little boy with a new toy. Soo excited & it shows. I have no doubt he loves me, however, I do occasionally wonder whether I am good for him. I wonder if I am going to distract him from accomplishing his goals or whether our relationship is going to hold him back from some other great experience. He's going through just as many life changes as I am & I would hate to know that in some way I held him back. I suppose all this goes back to the jumping without the net. I know that he will always be open & hoenst with me & so, with that in mind, I lay my worries aside. I do know that we will always remain the best of friends if nothing else & that right there makes everything else seem so small.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Valentines Day
“Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.”
“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.”
“We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn't. Success often lies just the other side of failure.”
"If not now, when?"
“Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.”
“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death”
So, as I sit this morning contemplating my day, I am filled with many emotions. I am happy! I see a whole new world ahead! Hopeful, terrified, blessed, loved, cherished, amazed, excited, nervous, silly, rejuvenated, challenged, & the list goes on & on. I am finally seeing what Shilo & a few others have been trying to tell me for years about love & falling in love. There really is a difference. I always thought that the mushy stuff was for first loves & people who weren't jaded by love. I have mistaken genuine love, as in friendship love, with actually being in love. The past month has been utterly & irrevocably one of the best I've had in a LONG time! Reconnecting with an old friend & getting to know each other all over again has been incredible. Mike has renewed the fight I had in me that I didn't even know I lost. He inspires me to reach beyond the stars & makes me believe in myself again. I know that I can do anything I put my mind to again.... something I forgot over the past few years. I became so consumed by work & what was comfortable that I stopped reaching for the stars. I became comfortably numb or immune.
I've noticed through the years that I tend to detach myself so as not to get too involved or too close. Perhaps it's the survivor instinct in me that kicks in when I get too close or comfortable. It flags me & tells me that if I trust too deep or fall too hard or love too much or cry too often, that it makes me vulnerable to too many factors. I may never trust again or I may not be able to get back up or my heart may be broken permanently or I may turn into a weeping, balling idiot, etc... Fear held my emotions in check, in a way. The interesting thing is, this time around, I am not afraid. It is a little scary, but even though I am scared, it hasn't held me back as it has in the past. I think that is what makes it scary. I am a fairly cautious person & usually take things slow & weigh all my options & with this, there just didn't seem like there was even a choice to make. Things just progressed naturally. It was natural to just be together... to talk & joke & spend time & everything in between.
He seems to get me on a level that most others do not & hes not intimidated by me or even afraid to call me on my shit either. I love that.
I was encouraged to be my own person & make my own choices & think for myself & so much else. I am excited to see what is in store for us as a couple.
Two days after I began this post...
“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.”
“We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn't. Success often lies just the other side of failure.”
"If not now, when?"
“Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.”
“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death”
So, as I sit this morning contemplating my day, I am filled with many emotions. I am happy! I see a whole new world ahead! Hopeful, terrified, blessed, loved, cherished, amazed, excited, nervous, silly, rejuvenated, challenged, & the list goes on & on. I am finally seeing what Shilo & a few others have been trying to tell me for years about love & falling in love. There really is a difference. I always thought that the mushy stuff was for first loves & people who weren't jaded by love. I have mistaken genuine love, as in friendship love, with actually being in love. The past month has been utterly & irrevocably one of the best I've had in a LONG time! Reconnecting with an old friend & getting to know each other all over again has been incredible. Mike has renewed the fight I had in me that I didn't even know I lost. He inspires me to reach beyond the stars & makes me believe in myself again. I know that I can do anything I put my mind to again.... something I forgot over the past few years. I became so consumed by work & what was comfortable that I stopped reaching for the stars. I became comfortably numb or immune.
I've noticed through the years that I tend to detach myself so as not to get too involved or too close. Perhaps it's the survivor instinct in me that kicks in when I get too close or comfortable. It flags me & tells me that if I trust too deep or fall too hard or love too much or cry too often, that it makes me vulnerable to too many factors. I may never trust again or I may not be able to get back up or my heart may be broken permanently or I may turn into a weeping, balling idiot, etc... Fear held my emotions in check, in a way. The interesting thing is, this time around, I am not afraid. It is a little scary, but even though I am scared, it hasn't held me back as it has in the past. I think that is what makes it scary. I am a fairly cautious person & usually take things slow & weigh all my options & with this, there just didn't seem like there was even a choice to make. Things just progressed naturally. It was natural to just be together... to talk & joke & spend time & everything in between.
He seems to get me on a level that most others do not & hes not intimidated by me or even afraid to call me on my shit either. I love that.
I was encouraged to be my own person & make my own choices & think for myself & so much else. I am excited to see what is in store for us as a couple.
Two days after I began this post...
Recharging The Batteries
People who are tough to get along with are the sandpaper of life. They smooth out our rough edges to reveal the pearl inside. Show the world what you are really made of today!
Here I sit thinking about so very many different things. My heart is full & so happy it is almost overwhelming! I am realizing that I so desperately missed mental stimulation. I have had an endless supply for the past 2 weeks & it's like all I do is crave it! I have had such deep & meaningful conversations with several people & I LOVE IT!!!!
Let me start by saying Leavenworth with my best girls was the MOST fantastic weekend!!! The best of friends & conversations & chance meetings with strangers. I have laughed so hard I cried, I have been serenaded, I have gotten to catch up with my beautiful cousin & friends. We all had such a glorious time, we have decided to make the trip again.
I have so many thoughts & ideas running through my head all I can say is that it's like I've got firecrackers in my head. So many sparks are being ignited that I am unsure where to begin & at times, the thoughts get all jumbled up or they come so quickly that I can't process my vocabulary quick enough so I end up stuttering. We had so many different discussions & they are all still running through my mind. Everything from friendship to love, to marriage & children, then there was health related issues & locations & reunions & jobs. We covered all the bases. There were many little surprises along the way, such as missed flights & left wallets & bags.
Continued several weeks later...
The batteries have definitely been recharged, yet it is a little bittersweet. I sit here & blog thinking over the past month & how amazing this year has started out. The week before the birthday weekend was just the beginning for me of what was to come. I am convinced more than ever that everything happens for a reason. I see so many things in such a different light. I now not only say that I am alright, I know I am alright & I am going to make it.
Continued several weeks later...
The batteries have definitely been recharged, yet it is a little bittersweet. I sit here & blog thinking over the past month & how amazing this year has started out. The week before the birthday weekend was just the beginning for me of what was to come. I am convinced more than ever that everything happens for a reason. I see so many things in such a different light. I now not only say that I am alright, I know I am alright & I am going to make it.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Random Days & Providential Mishaps
So, yesterday was such an amazing day. I was informed it was a day about me, a day that we do whatever I wanted. So, we took a drive up Chuckanut. It was beautiful, of course. We made a few stops along the way to get some great photos.
... continued post several days later.
In any case, that day was the most unexpected & best one I've had in ages! I had the best of company & the greatest of laughs. Again, I was reminded of how much of myself I forgot. We stopped several times along the way to get some pictures. Mike decided he wanted to get some of me standing near the waterfall. There were two options: A.) Down & B.) Up. Option A looked pretty slippery & muddy. Option B looked wet, but a little less slippery & muddy. I opted for the latter & let's just say, I ended up covered in mud & wet from the waist down. I haven't laughed so hard since I went out last with my girls in Coeur d'Alene. So much fun! In the way back, We went to Anacortes to get a picture of this old boat that has trees growing out of it. Well, mishaps were the theme of the day. We were about 2, maybe 3 miles out & noticed we had a flat tire. Thank God for Les Schwaab! They came to the rescue & I killed 2 birds with one stone. The tires were balding pretty bad & I knew I needed to replace them, so... 4 brand new tires were bought. We of course missed the picture of the boat, but it was still so much fun. & the looks I got were priceless. It's great to be able to laugh at yourself once in a while.
... continued post several days later.
In any case, that day was the most unexpected & best one I've had in ages! I had the best of company & the greatest of laughs. Again, I was reminded of how much of myself I forgot. We stopped several times along the way to get some pictures. Mike decided he wanted to get some of me standing near the waterfall. There were two options: A.) Down & B.) Up. Option A looked pretty slippery & muddy. Option B looked wet, but a little less slippery & muddy. I opted for the latter & let's just say, I ended up covered in mud & wet from the waist down. I haven't laughed so hard since I went out last with my girls in Coeur d'Alene. So much fun! In the way back, We went to Anacortes to get a picture of this old boat that has trees growing out of it. Well, mishaps were the theme of the day. We were about 2, maybe 3 miles out & noticed we had a flat tire. Thank God for Les Schwaab! They came to the rescue & I killed 2 birds with one stone. The tires were balding pretty bad & I knew I needed to replace them, so... 4 brand new tires were bought. We of course missed the picture of the boat, but it was still so much fun. & the looks I got were priceless. It's great to be able to laugh at yourself once in a while.
Thursday, February 03, 2011
The New Love of My Life...
Alright, so I'll lay it down for you like this... Amanda's birthday was yesterday. The day before, I took her to get a pedicure. Every girl needs a little pampering for their birthday. Then, yesterday, Amanda wanted to have sushi for her birthday, so in good fashion, we went to the only place that has some pretty fabulous sushi. We went to Sakura. The sushi, in true form, was fabulous! Hence comes the new love of my life. They updated their sushi menu & so I decided to try the new item. This roll was INCREDIBLE! It is called a New Hawaiian Roll. It had Escolar & Kiwi & some other fabulous stuff in it. You know how women often say "who needs men when you have chocolate?"... well, "Who the hell needs men when you have a New Hawaiian Roll... or sushi, for that matter?" As we ate, the owner, a very pleasant looking, very well built gentleman, came to check on us & see how we were enjoying our meal & what brought us in. I explained that whenever I have a craving for amazing sushi, I always drive from Oak Harbor to eat there. Alex, as was the owners name, took it as a huge compliment & when I informed him it was Amanda's birthday, he wished her a happy birthday & before we left, they brought her a piece of Strawberry swirl cheesecake with a sparkler & a candle in it. We intended on doing karaoke, however when we got to the bar, we were informed they do it Tuesdays & Thursdays. Better luck on the karaoke another night. Tonight is going to be a chill night. A great way to spend a vacation.... that indeed, has been a vacation, despite a few incidences... which shall be brought up in another post.
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