Christmas Blessings in Disguise

Although I have not really been feeling Christmas like this year, I am constantly reminded of the many blessings God bestows on me daily. Material things aren't what count! The things that make the difference & are the blessings in disguise are the things we often take for granted. Those things are mainly friends & family. Christmas was wonderful. I got to spend it with my beautiful, super woman like sister, & my spirited niece & nephew.... also got to spend it with Mama & Poppy... & I got the best Christmas surprise a girl could ask for. I got to spend some much needed catching up & quality time with some friends I lost touch with when I moved. It reminded me of many things. 

She is a true inspiration & also an amazing woman. I didn't get to tell her,  however I have thought of her quite often, especially over the past year. She once told me about before her & her husband married. She knew she wouldn't marry someone who wasn't Catholic. She prayed to God & left it in His hands & he converted & years later, they have an amazing family! God knows our hearts & He will always Bless us with what we need & what is best for us. During the course of our discussions & catch up time, I mentioned how much her kids had grown & matured. =) To which she replied, she prays now that God bless them with good & holy influences & friends or if there are no good & holy influences & friends, that He give them no friends at all. I LOVE this most of all! How often do we underestimate how our influences help to shape & mold who we are as individuals?! How great is it that this is not forgotten! I am in awe of this family & that, in a sense, God has blessed me to include them as friends of mine.

I have always been a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason & nothing is without purpose, unless we choose to ignore it. For instance, even our mistakes are little blessings in disguise. The mistakes may help us from doing something even worse in the future... so long as we learn from them, that is. I believe the only tragedy of a mistake is when we don't learn from it.

In any case, I digress. The point in all of this was to say that I received some truly incredible gifts/ blessings this year & I am beyond grateful & appreciative of them all! 

Christmas & What It Means..

What does Christmas mean to you? To me, it is first & foremost Jesus' birthday. Then, it is family & friends being together. It is Love... Pure, uncomplicated, selfless love. No strings attached. Lots of laughter with my niece & nephew... watching them open their gifts. It is baking & cooking, drinking & eating. Sitting around the fire,playing games, telling stories. Watching Christmas movies, including National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation... mind you, the BEST Christmas movie ever! Christmas is about Carols. It's about giving & sharing... giving of yourself & sharing with those less fortunate. SNOWFLAKES, decorating the tree, snowball fights, Egg Nog, Mistletoe, Wreaths, big fuzzy sweaters, hats & scarves, Ice Skating, Spiced Wine, knitting. Christmas also means the beginning of something wonderful... a bright future,  a New Year.... Resolutions, new goals.

With all this, I am so grateful, yet at the same time, I am feeling so alone. Not that I'm feeling sorry for my self, just that I feel like I am out of place... like I am not sure where I belong right now. I feel the love from so many of my amazing friends & family, yet I still feel like I'm alone. Not lonely by any means, simply alone. The difference between lonely & being alone. I believe one can be lonely and not be alone. One can be surrounded by people... truly wonderful people, yet still feel so alone. How do I shake this feeling???

Overwhelmed

I feel as though I am barely treading water these days. It's hard to make sense of some of the things that have been presented to me. I know logically that everything happens for a reason, but there is still that part of me that wants to believe that maybe things have changed & that the people offering these extravagant things are truly doing it out of the goodness of their heart. Past experience tells me this isn't so. Maybe it;s the optimist in me wanting to believe people can & do change & that not everyone has an alterior motive when offering to do things for others. There are people who do it simply because it's the right thing & because they can help & so they see it as something they should do... no hidden agendas & no alterior motives.

Just Breathe...

So, I broke the news to my mother today about the pending divorce. She didn't start preaching as I assumed she would. Merely said that I wasn't married in the Church, so it was good. So glad that I can check that task off my list. Now I can focus on the rest.
Can anyone tell me hypothetically, if someone offered to help pay off your bills, would you accept? or would you be skeptical because almost never do people do something out of pure kindness & generosity?

Reflection

So, once again, I am reminded of all the blessings in my life. An acquaintance informed me her hubby has been suffering from PTSD for the past year. He has been hospitalized for the majority of the year, but just before Thanksgiving, he ended up back there. When she got in touch with her boss, he let her go saying they needed someone reliable. I say this, knowing that she is reliable. I know the business & I have seen her in action & dealt with her. She is incredible & patient & approachable & completely professional. My heart breaks for her to think of all she must be going through.

& again, a patient of ours came in today & my heart grew sad. He lost his wife earlier on this year. & they have several children. Still pretty young at that. First Christmas without her.... my heart aches for them. Yet, in all this, he is always so gracious & kind.

Then, there's this couple I know... wonderful husband & wife. Truly a melt your heart match.... in my opinion, the stuff love stories are truly made of. This guy is a military man. He is always extremely polite & upbeat. He never fails to say thank you when he comes in. In any case, I digress. He just went on deployment for 8 months. He called the office to ask if he could send flowers for his wife there. He was leaving & wanted to surprise her. She shows up & I give her the flowers & she gets the biggest smile on her face that I have ever seen. It truly melted my heart. It was like a real life Sleepless In Seattle or The Notebook... then, stay with me, because it gets better. Then she tells me he has surprised her like this in the past. Once, he arranged for her to receive flowers at an airport. I love this story. I am only sad that they can't be together for Christmas. He passed on a message for us. He wanted his wife to tell us all hello & send his regards. I passed along my regards & asked her to thank him for his service. A true hero!

And still, a patient's mom was just diagnosed with breast cancer. I told her my thoughts & prayers were with her & she immediately became so positive & told me that it was appreciated. Attitude is half the battle according to many, & so I send her as many good vibes & thoughts & prayers as I can.

Even still, another wonderful woman I know was diagnosed with a brain tumor & her positive attitude is such an inspiration! She is a dear sweet, beautiful woman. Her family is delightful. She's not your typical run of the mill, uninterested person. She asks because she is generally concerned... even about those she may not know super well. Even with everything going on in her life, she still makes time to ask about others & show concern for them & offer to help in any way she can. I only wish I can learn to be as gracious as she is. & of course, my thoughts & prayers are with her & her family right now too, especially since her incision became infected & she ended up back in the hospital. Thoughts, prayers, well wishes & good vibes to this sweet lady that she makes a speedy recovery with no more set backs! ♥

As I close, I just want to again thank the Man upstairs for all His incredible blessings! Those we are able to recognize immediately & those that we often times don't understand right away! You know what you are doing & I surrender to you! May I always remember where/ Who my blessings come from & may I never take them for granted. May I never be stingy about sharing my many blessings when I can!

Love,
Jenn

Down Sizing...

Time to clear out ALL the clutter! In getting my affairs in order, I find that one of the first things that come to mind is the sense of urgency in clearing out the clutter. This need to change the way things have been is seeded in every aspect of my life... So much of my life has been so cluttered for so long. In order to truly make a fresh start, there is no doubt that everything must change. Relationship has already changed. Financial status is at the top of the list. Work continues to change daily... in a very positive way. Dwelling place will be changing soon.... also in the works.

Food for thought: Evaluate your material things. Determine what is relevant & what is clutter. Material things can't be taken with you when you die, so is it really worth holding on to all the things we may one day use???... & probably only once at that. I believe that clearing material clutter will also clear the clutter of the mind & soul. It will in turn open the door for such positive things to come flooding in!

So, my immediate goal is to down size. Anything I haven't used in the last year is going away. Anyone needing or looking for anything in particular should text or message me. If I have it, it's yours.

And on that note, wish me luck!

Don't Judge a Book by It's Cover...

Over the past few months,  I have been reminded that one should never judge a book by it's cover. I have found some wonderful friends in the most interesting of people, who, at first meeting, you would never think could be as amazing as they truly are. She was extremely nice, however, slightly uninteresting to me at first. The months that followed have proven me so wrong. For this, I am glad. I have found such a kindred soul in her. A true friend.

A Letter To God...

Dear God,
It's just me again. I can never say enough how truly grateful I am for all the blessings you have bestowed on me. It is often said that one should consider themselves blessed if they can count the number of true friends they have on one hand. You have gifted me with more amazing & true friends than I deserve. I am in awe at all the inspiring people you have brought to my life. I have so many wonderful & unique friends & each add a little something extra to my life. They have helped to make me who I am. I only hope that I am turning out to be the kind of person you intended me to be. I pray that I may always remember my blessings & make the most of every moment & every situation that is presented to me. In all that I do, may I always remember that it is all because of you & may I never take anything for granted. May I be blessed enough to never squander an opportunity to learn & may I never forget how fortunate I truly am. May I share my blessings with those less fortunate than me & may I always live to my fullest potential & honor you.
All my love,
♥
Jenn

Friends and Family...

This is an old post that I must have forgotten to publish...

As I was working out at the gym tonight, I was finishing up a book on the Chakras & I realized how true it is that mind/ body/ soul are so inseparable. When one is sick, the others are usually not far behind. I have been reevaluating my life over the past 11 months & have been making some serious & drastic, yet much needed changes. I acknowledge that part of the constant growing process is going to include mistakes. What makes them worth it, is when we learn from them. For in every turn, there is a lesson. The only time I can regret a decision, is when I don't learn from it.

This all comes to mind as I spoke with my mother who is always so eager to remind me of how she perceives me... mainly, she describes me as being erratic, deceptive, stubborn, hurtful, & most of all, having deep seeded emotional issues that have caused me to be an emotional eater. I will fully admit that at one point in my life, I had so many emotions running through my head that I didn't always know how to express them. There was a time when I felt completely alone... not lonely, just alone. I was cared for quite well physically, however, mentally or emotionally, I was not raised to feel like it was alright to have an opinion; to feel ashamed when I let my mom down, especially since she was a single parent. No one in my family ever talked much about issues. They all loved to gossip about the rest of the extended family, but not air their own dirty laundry. & definitely not talk about important things unless is was to criticize. I am saddened to know that my mother doesn't know me, however , she chooses to listen to what everyone else says instead of just asking me herself.  Back on topic, I have never been an emotional eater. I manifest my stresses by lack of sleep due to over analyzing. I have done it for years & years. Used to be accompanied by much worry & some other emotions mixed in.

Many moons ago, I was such a confused soul. I had no self esteem & thought that the way I would find happiness was by making everyone else happy & by making sure to not disappoint my loved ones. The interesting thing is, the harder I tried, the more I felt like I was a disappointment. I wanted to have the approval of everyone around me & feared that no one liked me. I thought that if my dad didn't care enough to want to be a part of my life & that if my mom was always disappointed & made me go back to boarding school when I was so terribly homesick that I must not be worth much... that everyone would be better off without me. I had no self esteem whatsoever. Long story short, who knows where I would have ended up if I didn't have certain people in my life who showed me I was so absolutely wrong about the ideas & perceptions I had about myself.

Back on point... the issues my mother refers to are things from way back in the day. I acted out in so many ways. Some specific times come to mind. The very last time I lived with her for any period of time, things got completely ugly & entirely out of control. I had finally gone back to prove to my mom that I wasn't as messed up as she thought I was. By the end of the summer, I was beyond tired of hearing all about everything that I did wrong or that she was disappointed with. It got to the point where even my aunt asked her if I could do anything right. I had become mentally and physically drained. I knew she would never let me leave willingly, so I took it upon myself to book the flight & call a cab. By the time I was ready to leave, my mom had figured out what I was attempting to do. She grabbed one of my bags to keep me from being able to go. In the moment it took me to realize what she was doing, I reacted. I chased after her, all the while, only focused on my goal of getting my bag back and in the moment, things got physical. I had a hold of my bag & she turned around and back handed me. I was fuming & just wanted to go back home to Idaho. She grabbed my hair & I told her I could cat fight too & joined in by grabbing a hold of her hair. Definitely NOT one of my proudest or finer moments to date. I all of a sudden realized my baby brother & cousin were screaming in the back ground because they didn't understand what was happening. I immediately let go of my bag & let her run off with it. I went inside, gained my composure, & called the police. As I was explaining that I was a legal adult & my mom was attempting to keep me against my will, the phone was disconnected by someone. The cops traced the call & came to the house. I left & didn't look back for quite a while. Years later, I came to realize that the situation could have & should have been handled in such a different way. When I began speaking to my mom again, one of the first things I told her was that, as much as I believe I wasn't entirely in the wrong, I was extremely sorry for the way I handled the situation. I explained that I was out of line & I was so very sorry for that. I have moved past it.

I don't see the logic in living in the past. Mistakes made are life lessons. The only true regret I can have is when I don't learn from something. Everything happens for a reason. My mistakes have made me who I am & I choose to be appreciative of the fact that they could have saved me from making an even bigger mistake than I did in the long run.