Announcing A Little Bean

Just the other night, I finally told everyone else about you. It was pretty crazy how many people commented. It struck me funny that my massage therapist friends commented on your hand picture. =) Maybe it's a little insight into what potentially lies ahead for you... I know it will be in your blood, just look at your Mama. Pam also commented that you were already so loved & she is right! ♥ You have impacted my life more than I could have ever possibly imagined.
Last night, your Papa made us Steak. I felt like I was at Outback Steakhouse... We had Broccoli, Baked Potato, & Steak.


... old post that never got published.

Focus On The Finer Things...

God has blessed me with some pretty great attributes. I would not change a thing about the life I have had. If I changed anything about my life, I wouldn't be the person I am today. My stress levels have dropped drastically since Saturday & my little reminder. Thank you, God, for all your many blessings.

Now on to the more serious subject. I see a person who I love beyond words & he is an amazing person. I see him going deeper into himself because he has chosen to waste his life. He sits in the house all day, & doesn't even bother to make an effort to get a job, even when people have given him ideas & tried to help him. He always has some sort of excuse. Then he says I am the one who told him to not look. First off, what I told him was that he deserved to have a little time to gain his bearings & figure out what he wanted to do. He has preached about others who have taken advantage of me, yet, he is now making no attempts himself. I am concerned because his only social activity is facebook... ALL DAY! He is completely addicted. He doesn't see a problem with it & says I must not love him for who he really is if I am annoyed that he spends so much time on the computer.

Chance Encounters...

As chance would have it, yesterday turned into a lovely day. I went to Washington Park. I got to read & write a little, plus enjoy the beautiful loop. I jogged part of the way. On my walk, I also met up with, I believe his name is Peter.... the City of Oak Harbor employee who helped us in our accident last week. I spent quite a few hours there &, in the process, saw the makings of a wedding... I got to drive around & look at houses for a bit. Most especially, I got to spend some quality time with you. =) ♥ I got frustrated at your Papa because I invited him & he said he didn't want to come. Then, he says alone time is good to help calm & center me. I took offense & got irritated because I invited him with me & it was like the glass just became overfilled & everything he did irritated me.. not specifically from yesterday, but just everything... beginning with him telling me in one breath he knows he needs to grow up & then in the next breath being completely immature about something that I had nothing to do with. I became irritated @ the fact that he tells me how bored he is constantly, yet he hasn't really made any attempts to find many job prospects or drop off resumes/ anything else. The total icing on the cake, the part that made my blood boil is that I don't care that he doesn't have a job. I care that he sits there & lectures me on how messy I am, yet he's home all day & I come home to an even bigger mess & he doesn't do anything about it except ask what he can do once I am almost finished. I work all day & then come home to more work.  I felt almost guilt for being upset. Like my thoughts & feelings weren't justified. Your Papa already sees his time on the computer as being completely different than sitting in front of a tv or a video game.It took me back to my former marriage for a inute & I became resentful. He tells me I can't be that tired & things like how can I be acting/ walking that funny because it's not like they drew a gallon of my blood or anything.
My frustration comes from the fact that I believe your Papa has a true addiction to the computer. He says it is his only interaction because he doesn't have any friends he can hang out with or talk to... another reason why getting a job is a good option. However, anytime I suggest something, he shoots it down. For instance, I suggested Safeway... they have benefits & they are hiring & they also pay extra for holidays/ weekends, if I remember correctly. Of Les Schwab or Home Depot. All these suggestions he shoots down for one reason or another. I have been fairly exhausted & apparently it is showing. I had several people Friday tell me I looked exhausted.
@ the end of the day, I was able to remember all those things I am grateful for & also to remember that I cannot control others on any way, but I am completely responsible for us... that is, you & me, Kid. I am responsible for how I react to any given situation & I can only control my actions/ reactions. Allowing myself to be so dependent on someone else takes away your rights to a happy & loving & peaceful growing time. You need as many positive energies as I can pass along to you. That is exactly what I intend to do. I promise to give you all of me... & the very best of me that there is. This means that despite others, I continue to listen to my heart  I continue to learn & embrace life the very same way I have been living for the past several years. Drawing all things positive from every experience.
As for your Papa & I, we are will figure this out. I love him & I know he loves me. & today, since I adopted my forgotten outlook again, things have been pretty good. I got up & made breakfast... Cinnamon Rolls & an Egg Scramble with Broccoli, Potatoes, & Cheese. This afternoon I got a little light headed because I forgot to bring any snacks to work with me, but I snacked on a noodle soup & a Honey Crisp Apple. Honey Crisps are some of my favorite apples. It was so crunchy & juicy! It wasn't exactly organic, but next week, I'll have to go to the co-op &/ Trader Joe's.

First Meet...

So, Thursday we first got to meet when I heard your heartbeat. It was the sweetest thing I've ever heard! Yesterday, we got to meet you. We had an ultrasound done... & there is only one of you. Your Papa got to see more of you than I did. =) He was pretty excited about it. He said you were going crazy & then you'd all of a sudden just peter out & nap & a few seconds later, you'd be @ it again. ♥ On to other news, on the same subject, we have officially made it through the first trimester. Congrats baby! We haven't been doing too bad. From what I understand, the majority of women get morning sickness that can last from nearly immediately all the way through the first trimester & sometimes through some of the second. You were most gentle with your Mama. I thank you for that. The only real bout of nausea or vomiting occurred when I didn't eat enough. My sense of smell can really get to me at times though. In the store today, in fact, I had to stop, because I was gagging. There was something that was horrific smelling. So, besides the exhaustion & the extreme boob soreness, I've been in pretty good shape. That is why I say thank you for being gentle on your Mama. I love you. =) ♥

So Much Goin' On...

There's just so much going on! I apologize it's been a while since I have written/ blogged. We were in an accident on Sunday. I can't even really say what happened. I just lost control of the car & we ended up in a ditch. It has been a fairly hectic & stressful week, which you above all, should know that your Mama has been trying to keep to a minimum.


So, I checked this morning to see if there was any chance of getting in to see Lisa Litton, the ARNP/ Midwife early. Since your Papa isn't working again, it made it a lot easier for our schedule, anyways. They had an opening today @ 2. We just got back & all I have been able to think about is the sound of your little heart beat.... Do you know, there is nothing like it. Lisa's guess of how far along I am was at least 9, maybe 10 weeks, which was what I was saying just the other day... that I could be as much as 10 weeks as of last week. Hearing your heart just made this all so much more real than it already has been. I will attempt to describe the way I am feeling. First & foremost, I am relieved that you were not harmed in any way from the accident the other day. Next, I am reassured that you are every bit as strong as I imagine you to be, & more! I am more in love with you than I ever thought possible.


Tomorrow, we go to have my blood drawn & to have an ultrasound done. =) The CMA/ Nurse who sat us, she attempted to draw my blood & I told her she would most likely have trouble. Sure enough, she decided after the 5th attempt to have me go to the lab at the hospital. There is a phlebotomist there who is the only person who has ever got your Mama in under 3 tries. If today has been made this incredible by being able to hear your little heartbeat, that your Papa describes as sounding like a choo choo train, I can't begin to imagine what tomorrow is going to be like. I love you, Baby, with all that I am!

Descriptions

Describing how I am feeling... last night, I felt a little like I was having my period... No cramps, just feeling bleh. Today, I feel pretty good. Energy levels seem to be pretty good today, so maybe the rest I got yesterday did us good? That's what I am going with. =)

Today is a glorious day with loads of sunshine. I am on lunch & going to sit outside & read for a bit. Watermelon & iced coffee in hand. I must say that I recommend the book Magical Beginnings, Enchanted Lives by Deepak Chopra to all pregnant women & anyone interested in eventually having children. It is an amazing book.

I just told your Uncle Richard about you. He said congrats. You'll learn he is a man of few words. I know he loves me, but he gets his communication skills from both our mother & father &, well, let's face it... neither one of them is very good on that department. Your grandma is great at communication if it is constructive criticism, otherwise, not so much. Your grandpa can act interested when he chooses, however, it is all on his time. I love them all dearly & just accept them for who they are. It makes things a whole lot easier that way. In life, that is what I think you need to do to be happy & get by. I think we too often try to make everyone fit into this cookie cutter mold of what we think. By doing this, we sell people short. We take away the very things that make them unique in the first place. Instead of trying to make them fit in this cookie cutter mold, we need to allow them to be who they are & appreciate them for their individuality. If we can't do this, then we just need to let them be, instead of trying to take their uniqueness & individuality away. I just went off on a tangent. I am totally distractable today.

Another one written September 6, that I forgot to publish.

Doctor Appointments

Last night I got a little attitude with your Pop. I mentioned the doctor again as the appointment is scheduled today & how I wish he could come so if they planned on doing anything invasive, he could be there. Then he snaps off like we had discussed it already & I was going to cancel it until he could be there. When we discussed it last week, I thought we had agreed I would keep the appointment & do a meet & greet to see if I even wanted to use him for our doc. & if he intended on doing anything like an ultrasound, then we would reschedule that. The other part of the problem I see now is that he still hasn't even figured out what his schedule is, so how the heck am I supposed to reschedule?


“Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.” ~ Deepak Chopra


Love that quote! It means that I attracted you into my life. My life was in need of you & that makes me happy. The bond we are creating is an incredible thing. The bond between you & your Papa & myself. I love you & all you have already brought & will continue to bring to my life. I only hope I can be the mom you want & need me to be.


Forgot to publish this last week, apparently.

Last Weekend

I call this the last weekend because beginning tomorrow, your Papa is officially back to being among the employed. I also got a call back from Beth today about the house in Coupeville. She is going to talk to Paul to see about getting a more realistic hard figure for all monthly bills, not just rent.


So, on to more interesting topics... Today, you had me totally drained. Other than that, I feel pretty good though. I told your Papa today that if I could have anything it would be daily massages. My body aches like I've run a marathon or something. I could go for a nice big Greek Salad right about now. And maybe some Tzaziki & Potatoes.

Introductions...

Tonight, you were introduced to one of your Mama's all time favorite bands, Sister Hazel. They are a very grass/ blues oriented band. Great lyrics & melodies & just all around good fun. You were also introduced to a hobby of mine... Puzzles. This one is a good one for me. It's a mosaic puzzle of the world. It's a challenging one which your Mama needs. 


So, today we went to visit with William & have coffee down at his shop in Coupeville.  We had a nice visit with William & his lovely lady friend, whose name has completely slipped my mind. We talked about moving & children & how Langley was kind of like our Stars Hollow from the Gilmore Girls. We even spoke about homeschooling. It was a glorious day. We drove around looking for more houses, just like yesterday. Yesterday, we found a few nice places in Coupeville. One was in Admiral's Cove, the other was just down the road from the coffee shop. The one we looked at today was an old school building. It's pretty cool. 


Today was a bit different from the usual. Let me see if I can explain. Your Papa tells me he loves me every day. He also tells me I am beautiful every day. Today it was different because he actually showed me he thinks I am beautiful & not just said it like it was a programmed response. He kissed me like he meant it. I loved every second of it. =) Tonight, your Papa also told me he loves me for me & that I make him want to be a better person because he says he thinks I deserve the world. Isn't he adorable?! I love him!!!


What would your Papa do without Facebook??? I think he might go insane.

And So The Journey Begins

Alright, so the first place we went seems pretty good. I was comfortable at Skagit Natural Family Medicine. Lisa Litton was the Nurse Practitioner/ Midwife we met with. I was able to ask her about the family health history, including me still being more overweight than I would have liked & also the chances of diabetes, etc... she was very knowledgeable & answered both your Papa's & my questions. She is totally for prenatal massage throughout & they don't offer pain killers at the clinic. They include the parents to be in the decision making process when it comes to anything like testing & birth decisions, etc... We have the option of doing a home birth or using the birthing center. Michelle Antonich is a Naturopathic doctor & a licensed midwife. We would get to know both of the ladies so that we were comfortable with them both. Your Papa said he liked the place & he was happy because he asked Lisa a question she hadn't been asked before. 


I will still go to the other appointment with the ob/gyn, however, if I am told to go with my gut, my gut tells me that I am not going to find someone who is open to the holisitic side of things the way I am. I am not ruling anything out yet either. I really wish your Papa could go with me, because I need his input too, & I am not sure if this appointment is just going to be a meet & greet kind of thing or if they are going to actually do anything, like an ultrasound or anything else. I suppose we shall see. In the meantime, I need to trust that my gut will tell me whether it's a good thing or it's a mistake.

Notes For A New Life

So, I have neglected to write/ blog/ journal for the past week or so, not because I haven’t had much to say. In fact, it has been quite the opposite. My mind has been racing with so many thoughts. First off, names. Your Papa & I have picked out a few names. If you are a girl, you are going to be Leora Yuna Lee. It means the bond of compassion/ light. =) With the parents you have, you most definitely need a good sound & strong name, but also one that might be a little more forgiving… meaning, you get stubborn from both sides, so a softer edge is definitely a good thing.. If you are a boy, your name will be Zander/ Xander Joseph Lee. If you are multiples of any kind, we have talked about a few other names, but haven’t wholeheartedly decided on any of them yet. We have spoken of Teagan/ Tegan & Dante/ Dontae. Your Papa at one point brought up Libbi and Mena. I personally really like Lena too, however I am not too sure about what the meaning is yet. Meaning is everything.


I am daily overwhelmed with thoughts of you. What you will be like when you are born. I have no doubt that even your Papa & myself don't quite know what is in store for us when it comes to you. You are going to be very conscious & fully aware so quickly. of this I am certain. I can't wait to see how much you teach us. 

I digress. Let me see if I can sum up all the things that have been going through my mind lately. I have been so nervous. I mean all I think about is you & wanting to give you the very best life has to offer. The past few days, I have been researching different types of births & healthy diet options & stuff like that. Your first appointment is scheduled with Dr. Robert Rosenfeld. He is the doctor who helped Marishka & Jeff through her pregnancy, & since I trust Marishka & we have quite similar ideas when it comes to family, I figured he would be a good starting point. I also set up an appointment at the Mount Vernon Birth Center for a tour & to meet with a midwife there. From her about me section, it almost seems like she may be the way I want to go. She is a naturopathic doctor & a licensed midwife. She studied @ Bastyr, so I am confident she will at least be on the same page with me when it comes to the more holisitic approach to things. I did contact my insurance & they cover prenatal & postpartum appointments other than the $30 copay. For the delivery, it’s a $200 copay/ 5 day max plus having to meet the $500 deductible & the 20% coinsurance.

Bittersweet moment. Your Papa just got a job at the Penn Cove Shellfish plant. I am happy for him, but he is now unable to come with us to our first appointment. I am not sure if I can do this alone… BUT, I am not alone. You are a part of me & if I just stay in tune with you & go with my gut, all will be fine.

In the meantime, I am going to stay as relaxed as I possibly can. Your mom has a girlfriend whose name is Deva. She is a wonderful lady, both inside & out. She has an incredible intuition & she knew something was happening to your mama. =) When I told her, she was surprised @ just how right she was. She has been such an incredible help to me. She has offered the wisdom she has from her own personal experiences & she has given your Mama a moment of Zen, as you would. I was freaking out over how overwhelming everything is. & you will learn this about me, but I like to anticipate everything, so having so much info flood my mind at once just made me a little crazy. I needed someone to step in & calm me & reassure me & she did exactly that at just the right moment. 

I told your grandma almost a week ago & all of a sudden, she's been calling me more often. Your grandma, she's a character. She has some very strange views & ideas. I love her, however, we have never had the very best of relationships. I think, to some degree, I will always be a bit of a disappointment to her. I was finally able to step outside of myself to realize that she genuinely wants what is best for me. Because of this, I can overlook her constant criticisms.

Yesterday, I was telling your Papa that I don't think that even we have the slightest idea of what you have in store for us. You are going to be so bright & beautiful & amazing, both inside and out, of this I am certain. =) I was showing him the Your Baby Can Read Series Commercial & a 12 month old who was reading & understanding & he got excited about it.

Let's see. What else has been going through my mind??? I wish that I wasn't so confused about the things I am feeling. I usually have no problems telling people what I think or how I feel, however, for some reason, I am having the worst time sorting out my emotions & thoughts & feelings. It frustrates me. Your Auntie Shilo says it's the pregnancy hormones as do multiple others.

I have been talking so much about being positive, especially since I am certain that energies are passed between people & things. I can only imagine how much greater the energy is between you & I since you are literally a part of me. I bought this book called "A Holistic Guide To Pregnancy And Childbirth: Magical Beginnings, Enchanted Lives". It is incredible so far. I began reading it out loud yesterday for all of us, your Papa included. He says he likes it so far.

The Beginning of the Rest of My LIfe

Today marks the beginning of the rest of my life. I will not dwell on or live in the past. I will remember my mistakes only to serve as a reminder for what not to do in the future & also to appreciate the things I accomplish that much more. I will be grateful for every day that I am given & I will make the most of it. I have no idea what lies ahead for me. I will not lie. I am terrified right now. Sometimes I feel so completely alone in this. Today should have been a good day. I am completely frustrated that I am having so many emotions go through my mind & sometimes all at once. & I feel at times I am alone in this because I get emotional or overwhelmed with something & no one seems to get it or understand what I mean. I would really just like someone to temporarily take the reins & tell me to relax & it will be okay. I suppose I am feeling like I need some reassurances of my own. Don't get me wrong, the boy is pretty wonderful, most of the time. He gets in these moods & I just feel like I'm all alone & like he'd rather be elsewhere. It seems as though he'd rather be on his phone or in the bedroom or on the computer... anywhere where I am not. Maybe I am just that difficult. I know I frustrate him because I don't share his zeal on certain subjects. I have tried to explain to him that just because I don't spend as much time on it doesn't mean I don't believe it or I think he's crazy. I tried to explain to him that I just prefer to focus more on the present instead of the what ifs. The way he views my nonchalance to his subjects about sums up how I feel when it comes to this life inside me & how he views us right now. I am so beyond terrified & I worry about am I eating enough/ am I eating the right foods/ if I'm throwing up, what kind of nutrition is the baby getting/ since I am overweight still, is that going to make it more difficult for this baby or theses babies to grow healthy without complications/ & the list goes on & on...
So far, I have discovered that I only puke when I haven't eaten enough or I take my vitamins on an empty stomach, so I think morning sickness hasn't hit yet or isn't going to. Hoping for the latter.
I will do my very best to make this the healthiest & best pregnancy I can, so we can all have a great experience.