View continued...

So what else do I see in him? I see a consistent doer, not a talker. I see a man who, from all outward appearances, has had a seemingly drama free life and who has no baggage. But the thing is, we all have baggage, just in different ways and different degrees. I see a man who, either because of, or in spite of his critical father, chose to become a man of unwavering integrity. I see someone who doesn't quite understand how incredible he is. Not for one moment has he shown himself to be anything but genuine. If anything, he says, I'm only me, or I'm just being me. He speaks highly of his mama. He speaks respectfully yet honestly of his dad. It is apparent he loves his niece and nephew. And it is more apparent by the videos I saw that his niece adores him. Animals also love him. If I believe anything in this life, based on my own experriences, it is that I sometimes trust children and animals more than myself. They haven't yet been jaded or tainted by this harsh and cold and cruel world. They still have an innocence about them. It speaks volumes when children and pets don't like someone. Children, other than Andrew's niece have commented about him. My littles have commented. They ask to talk to him or see him. They want to show him things or say hi. Then, Xander's godmama showed her boys the picture of us on facebook and the boys said he looked really nice and also said they'd like to meet him.

More little details... I found our silences said just as much as our actual conversations. It is rare to find someone who you can sit in silence with and still be comfortable.

:) I was once asked what it is that I look for in a partner and potential spouse. My answer has changed more times than I can count. But this time it's a great deal different. Suffice it to say I have done enough things wrong to finally know the right. Things that to me are important, would be similar views on Faith, family and politics. Breaking it down a bit more would be the same rite of practice and someone who prays and who sees the value in praying together. Someone who's family values are similar... Wants children, has similar views on how to raise them, similar views on the roles of a husband and wife. And with politics... Someone who is aware.

And again, what sets him apart and what do I see in him? All those things he thinks are so common... Perhaps they should be, however, they aren't. In a different world, in a better world, there would be more men like him. He is a diamond in the rough and part of his beauty and charm and grace comes from the fact that he is humble about it and doesn't see himself as anything extraordinary. 

He prays, he initiates prayer with us, he shows me on a consistent basis that he cares for me. It speaks volumes to have someone who initiates most contact. It shows they are thinking of you enough to text or call, but not to the point of an obsession.

I have always had a difficult time allowing people, even my own family, to just do something for me. Previous life experience has taught me to be cautious of anyone who offers something because they most likely want something in return. That is why I never allowed anyone to pay for me. I don't want to be indebted to anyone.With Andrew, I never felt that way.

He is such an incredibly open minded, good hearted, free thinker. I love that he challenges me to continue questioning. I love that he doesn't think my thoughts are so crazy and off the wall like most do. I don't at all have the fear that I will starve emotionally, mentally, or in any other way. I appreciate the fact that he seems to understand that it takes two whole people to have a whole and healthy relationship. I love the fact that he is supportive of me as a mom and massage therapist. The little things, like him randomly telling me I am a good mom and a good person, tell me that he truly appreciates me.

He isn't afraid to step out of his comfort zone, and that's the forst sign of someone who isn't afraid to grow himself. He never has to claim to be an alpha person, because a true alpha person doesn't need to convince anybody. They just are. Their actions prove it. And his repeatedly prove it.

View From Someone Else's Eyes...

How does one describe what they see in someone else? Where do you begin? How do you find words for the things there aren't words for? I suppose I'll start at the beginning. A little over a year ago, I joined the online dating world as I was told it was unhealthy for me to have such a limited adult interaction and I was also encouraged to make an effort to seek a spouse who would be a good and virtuous role model and father figure for littles. I messaged less than a handful of people. I built a good friendship with one of the gentlemen I began communicating with. I heard from one other guy I had messaged, but the conversations quickly fizzled. I will be honest in saying that in regards to the dating scenario, my heart wasn't fully in it, so I I took 3/4 months off. I rejoined in December and that was when I found the chat room. In the chat room, I "met" this particular man... the one I had contacted but hadn't heard back from. He was in the chat room frequently and I got to know him in there. He was always kind with a seemingly good sense of humor. He always seemed fairly positive and easy going. I never attempted to contact him again and eventually, he vanished from the chat room. Life went on and my mom and brother came for a visit at Easter time. I told them about Catholic Match and then showed my mom a few of the people I had contacted, Andrew being one of them. Her response to every one of the guys I showed her was that they were too old or too young. The thing I had found the first time around on Catholic Match was that everyone was so cookie cutter. They all seemed as if they had no original thought, or, at least no deep thought. They all seemed that they weren't interested in deep thought or that it didn't really matter to them. Their profiles were either done up like they were an overexaggerated resume, or like they were deflecting or too vague. The people I did choose to contact were those who had original thought, or who seemed the most genuine in how they came across. In fact, one of the guys I had been discerning about who I had grown fond of, I had just reached a conclusion on. I was able to tell him so and then Andrew showed back up in the chat room.

Let me begin with why I first was drawn to him and why I contacted him. First, I will say that it truly was a gut instinct. His profile was quite genuine and simple. I did see something in his eyes and smile that I liked. And, although I didn't hear back from him personally until this last time in chat, the very night he showed back up, he messaged me asking for my number. He was the first person to ask me for my number. We chatted and have been in touch every day since.

To continue on to what I see in him, most especially after we had an in person meet and first series of dates. I see an incredibly amazing man... A gentleman, chivalrous, someone of high integrity, honest, humble, respectful, courteous, thoughtful, attentive, considerate, virtuous, passionate, caring, observant, humorous, romantic, easy going, open minded, a free thinker, intelligent, a reader, someone who cares deeply for those he loves, a man of few words, a man full of surprises, kind hearted, compassionate, low drama, thirsty for knowledge (especially in areas of faith and politics), someone who keeps up with me :). I come off as an intense person, who is quite passionate about everything in life. I have an insatiable curiosity about nearly anything and everything in life. My opinions are off putting for most.

How do I put into words a man who answered my interview questions right in line with how I view life, family, politics, and love? First off, I have always known that whoever it was that chose to be in a relationship with me, would have to be someone beyond fantastic.... someone extremely special and unique, someone exceptional. I have to say that it's rare for someone to answer nearly every single question the way I would have. So, how do you put into words a man who exceeds any and all possible expectations? I have met some incredible men. There have even been a few who have wanted to marry me and who I grew quite fond of. They have heard the abridged version of my all too colorful past with Mike and they were okay with it or they weren't. There was a difference in the way Andrew responded to the situation. With the others, it was like they didn't even really take any of it in or process it. They immediately jumped to, are you over him, and that seemed to be nearly it. With Andrew, he was never anything but open and honest. He took time to process. His initial reaction, when he did respond, was that everyone has a past and that I deserve to be spoiled and that Mike made him yellow. He was the very first person who seemed to take the time to process my all too colorful past. He prayed about it and came back saying that it may have been too much and he felt we could only be friends. That was the most raw and honest response I think I could have gotten. There were no mixed signals. To be honest, I didn't think I would hear from him again. The man of surprises... :) I not only heard from him again, but he checked on me to see if I was alright. A day after that, he mentioned he again prayed about everything. I point blank asked him if he liked me. He said yes, and to clarify, I asked him if it was just as friends. He said no, so I asked where that left us. He apologized for having a totally human and natural reaction to the things he had been told. He apologized and asked for us to begin again in getting to know each other, if I would be willing to give it another shot. He wasn't put off by my big questions and even bigger opinions.

Out of everyone I have chatted with, although I was fond of several, some of the other things that stood out about Andrew was that from the beginning, I was quite comfortable and at ease. I never felt pressure or uncomfortable. He challenged my mind. Some of the things I always wondered about.... if I were to enter into a relationship, would he get bored? Would I emotionally, intellectually, or mentally starve? He was a self starting learner and a very free thinker. He didn't shy away from discussions about faith, family, or politics. Without input from me, I knew he had a thirst for knowledge, especially about faith and politics. He began telling me about questions he was having with the faith and his particular parish. With the others, it was more a matter of me presenting questions to them that made them question. 

On to the meet and first date/ series of dates... we had spoken of wanting that first meet/ date. The possibility seemd slim unless he came here. Then, my friend, Elise told me that I needed to go and meet him. She said that she knew he was different from the others I had chatted with. She could tell. She brought up that she knew I was fond of some of the others, but that my reaction with him was different and more of what it should be when thinking about a relationship with someone. She said with the others, it was more as if, I was trying to stay so open to the possibility, that I took out all of my emotion from the equation. So, she told me I had to figure out a way to meet him and said she would watch babes for me. I prayed about it and figured that if it was meant to be, then something would present itself. Well, that was exactly what happened. Gladys, messaged me saying she wanted to take me up on my offer for visiting us and that she wanted to trade me massages and mat sessions for a plane ticket back from CA. She would drive me back. I took that as a sign that I was supposed to meet him. So, it happened. Our first meet was incredible. I figured we'd meet and decide if we wanted to continue on with our first date or not. Didn't figure it would be more than an hour. He turned our first meet into an impromptu date. He arrived and wanted to pray immediately. It was such a wonderful thing! There was silence, but none of the silences were awkward or uncomfortable. He helped me up. He carried my purse. He offered me his arm or hand to hold. We walked the beach and the pier. He bought me lunch. There was no pressure. He was sweet and funny and gentlemanly. He spun me around a few times randomly. As we were parting ways, he walked me to the car. We passed the church and he suggested that we go in and pray, so we did. He walked me to my car. The next day, we met for our first official date. He was so considerate and attentive and thoughtful of the things we had discussed. He took into account the fact that I don't like overpriced and overcrowded places. Cooking a meal was the best idea he could have had. It was such a wonderful way of getting to know each other and seeing how we work together in a relaxed setting. Even the grocery shopping part was fun. While we were together, he also mentioned littles multiple times. So, our first official date was to the grocery store. By the time we got home, it was late and I was pretty tired. We agreed to make dinner the following night. Ever the gentleman, I never felt as if he was going to take advantage of me in any way. He gave me a room downstairs. He had his room upstairs. The next morning, he made me a shake and we headed up to Manhattan Beach to the AVP Tournament. It was beyond incredible to have him let me into such a big part of his life. It was wonderful to see him in his element, enjoying something he loves so much. I have to admit, I had a truly incredible time! I had never been to a beach volleyball event of any kind. I used to love playing, but haven't in years. Seeing Andrew come alive and also continuously checking to make sure I am okay and having a good time or if I need anything. Again, he also held my hand, and offered to carry my purse. The entire day was incredible. I don't even have the words to explain. And as if the day wasn't good enough, we ended it by cooking our meal together. It was so much fun! I got to show him something I love, which was a huge plus, but the fact that he wanted to help and learn was just as great. Something that blew me away was how he always checked on me to make sure I was comfortable and felt safe.  And back to the original thought... Dinner turned out spectacular. As we were talking, without even thinking first, I let it slip out that I love him. He didn't even flinch. I got more flustered than he did. A few minutes later, he mentioned how he liked how things were going and that he would like to see where it leads. He brought up meeting respective parentals and littles. We spoke of parents a bit. We found out my mom and his dad are quite similar. They show their love by criticism. There was so much to process and take in. It's hard to put it all down, especially as I remember little details. Such as how he was so respectful and how we kissed or hugged or how I would rub his neck and how I noticed him shy away a bit. I stepped back as I know that one of my love languages is physical touch... obviously, look at what I do for a career :). There were little things I noticed, such as at the tournament, I stepped in front of him to allow others to get by me. His hand grazed my butt and he apologized over and over for it. Then, after I backed off, he eventually began taking my hand and putting it on his neck. Some of the other little things I think of... I seriously thought we'd get like 3 dates together, as he had to work and had previous plans for the weekend and such.  Well, he surprised me in that after checking to make sure I was comfortable and felt safe, he said he would like to spend more time with me. He was concerned about what I would do while he was at work though and I could tell he felt strange/ bad about just leaving me on my own all afternoon. I had him drop me off at the beach in Laguna. He made sure to tell me several times to call or text if I needed. He checked on me during his breaks. He also brought up inviting me with him to Manhattan Beach again, but warned me that the friend he was going to go with was a bit of a womanizer. Another thought out date after he got off work, was him taking me to In n Out. To most, it doesn't seem like much, but to me, it meant a lot. He knew I hadn't been in years and that I wanted to go. The next day,we spent at Manhattan Beach again. And again, it was such a blast. But the things that stuck out to me was first, the hat... So, all my time in the sun from the days before, I got a ton of vitamin d, to the point I was like a crab with racoon eyes. When we first got there, we went to the store to grab water. Andrew, on his own, picked out and bought a hat for me. He took me by such surprise. It was such an incredibly thoughtful gift. He had no clue that I love hats, which was what made it so dang special. He did it simply because of how red I had gotten from before. When I mentioned it, all he said is it was the right thing to do, he's glad he did it and he would have done it again. That is not something anyone would have done because most wouldn't even think about something of that nature. At the end of the day, when we were heading back to the car, holding hands, we passed by the firehouse that had a safe surrender sign on the door. I had my sunglasses and hat on. We had been casually chatting but also had silent moments on the walk back. Well, when we passed the safe surrender sign, I got a little choked up, but not to the point of it being something that anyone would notice. Well, Andrew did. The man was so observant, he noticed and checked to be sure I was alright. That blew me away more than anything else I think. I was married to a man who wasn't half as observant. I have littles with someone who clearly had no clue about who I am or what motivates me. Then, as we crossed the street, a little old lady hollared at us trying to tell us that we have the right of way and that traffic has to stop for us. Andrew went back to try to give her a hand, but the spunky little lady turned him down. It made my day to see him go back to attempt to help her. When we got to the car, Andrew mentioned again that he was also pleasantly surprised at how well things had gone. We agreed to go to Latin Mass together in the morning before parting ways. Our last night together was spent checking on puppies and then, stargazing for a small while. I was on the deck and Andrew came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and putting his head on my shoulder. It was at that moment that I felt him let go. It was almost as if he allowed himself to trust enough to hug me like he wanted to or meant it. I knew he was comfortable and also felt safe in that moment. That was a huge moment for me to see him allow himself to be vulnerable. I know what it's like to let your guard down and be vulnerable. I also know what it's like to be broken and shattered because you let your guard down with the wrong person. Sunday morning, what stuck out, was Andrew, again initiating prayer before we even left for Mass. Yet another one of the best moments, was Mass... being able to share such a huge part of who I am with him. It was one of the most special parts of me and felt incredible to be able to share it with someone who was so receptive to it. That was a part of me that took me years to find again and the part of me that I had not shared with anyone since high school.

Since I've been back, there are so many things that I can say and point out about how he still never fails to surprise me. Although he doesn't say he loves me, his actions prove it on a consistent basis. Contact... he is more often than not, the first one to contact. It's on a daily basis. He brings up littles regularly. He never leads me on. He always seems to know just what to do or say, without even trying. When he does say things, I have no doubt he means it. For instance, at one point, he brought up wanting to know that when he dies, he can tell God he did things right. On a few other occasions, he has mentioned that he likes to pray with me and that he's a sinful man and he falls daily and to pray for him. Or another one... is that I make him happy. Talking religion has been wonderful and knowing he reads and has a natural interest in bettering himself and our faith is awesome. Talking politics has been soo incredibly fun! It's wonderful to know that someone can appreciate me for all my off the wall thoeries and thoughts.

So, back to viewing someone through another's eyes. To him, he is just a simple man. He stumbles and falls, but he tries. He does what he thinks any man would do. It's hard to give a glimpse into someone else when words fail. To me, I see a man who is honest... even in how he answered my interview questions... he was the only one who chose the St. Augustine quote, which is huge! Everyone else, except for one other, chose the St. Joseph quote. Makes me wonder if they chose it because it is how they thought I would like them to answer or if it was the one they could truly relate with the most. The fact that he was able to look beyond my past, in itself, is bigger than he can even fathom. Although marriage isn't on the table just yet, the fact that he is fully aware and chooses to be with me. The fact that he mentions babes is more than many men would even think to do. To choose to be in a relationship with someone who has baggage and children and a crazy ex, that alone sets him apart from literally eveyone else. 

This post is to be continued at a later time...

Finding Time

Perhaps it's my lack of sleep, or perhaps it's just the past week I've had, but something in me has shifted and I can't quite put my finger on it entirely. I have been trying to recharge my batteries a bit more so I am not completely and utterly drained. I have been trying to take Julie's advice after my last biofeedback session where she told me that it is so important for me to get creative again, as I need that for my process. So, with that in mind, I have been attempting to blog more. It helps that Elaine and a few others have been telling me to get to it, as I seem to be somewhat entertaining, maybe. :) I was reminded of what my spiritual advisor, Fr. Pazat, told me years ago. I can't take on the weight of the world. It's a sin for me to be so selfless... to give so much of myself that I have nothing left. As a mother, (a single mother), father, massage therapist, and everything in between, there is really not much of an option of taking me time, unless I get up extremely early, stay up extremely late, or just don't sleep. In any case, I am going to attempt, once again, to be more regular at writing. I forget how much of a release this can be.

Kintsugi

So, there's a Japanese technique called Kintsugi, which is the reparation of broken pottery using lacquer mixed with gold, silver, or platinum. According to Wikipedia, it says, "As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as pa rt of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise."
The beauty... applied to a person, the breakage and repair is a part of the history of that person. It's not something to disguise, as more often than not, those breaks and repairs are the process that led that person to the beauty of who they have become.
To use something such as glue, would perhaps repair the damage and make it appear unscathed. But the true beauty lies in knowing how weathered something or, in this case, someone is. To see something that looks so pristine is appealing, but, in reality, we all have a story to tell. There are no pristine people, it's human nature. In some way, we have all been damaged. To hide from those wounds and scars wouldn't necessarily change who you are today. To wear them in a visible manner, is awe inspiring. To be able to see that something has weathered so many storms and still holds it's shape, I find something truly beautiful in that.

The Fight

We are the world.
We are the people.
If we don't fight,
Then who will?
Fight for what's right;
Fight for what's true.
When you do this,
People will always respect you.
They can say it's wrong.
They can say it's right;
But it won't matter
If we don't fight!
There are so many questions
That we may never know the answers to...
Just trust your heart,
And it will answer you.
Mistakes don't matter,
As long as you truly live.
Love your life...
It's all you have to give.
In the end, we're left with nothing,
From the world's point of view;
But you learn you make impressions
More by what you do.
Make your mistakes,
But open your eyes.
Don't go through your life
As if you were blind!!!

Time

Time won't stand by forever.
And I know it's true.
I've learned not to say never;
I've also seen the truth.
Only time will tell...
There's no intention
That's worth the mention,
If you don't at least try.
Only time will tell...
And maybe wishing will
Bring about forgotten memories.
Only time will tell...
Don't put your dreams to rest at night.
Keep them all in plain sight.
And when your dreams don't come true,
Just know someone's there for you.
Only time will tell...
I know it's true.

The Unexpected

I don't know how I met you;
I don't know why;
I can't turn away;
And my heart won't lie.
Is this confusion that I feel?
Or is it a test of truth?
Is it possible that it could be love?
If so, can it be real?
I fear the unexpected,
For the unexpected is what keeps me here.
I am anxious to know
What this truth will hold.
I am searching only for the truth of my heart.
Is it a yearning to start things new?
Is it a longing to remember the past?
How will I know what is real?
Do I already know the answer to that?
It is very possible to love him
And it is true that all other love will last;
For I find it already has.
Time and distance won't  change the things I feel.
I love him more now than I ever have,
But is it changing?
The void I have felt for so long...
The longing that once was there...
Is it gone?
I fear the unexpected;
For the unexpected is what keeps me here.
I am anxious to know
What this truth will hold.
I am searching only for hte truth of my heart.
My love for him is never changing,
Yet my love for the other only grows with time.

Tears Like Rain

The tears , they fall like rain.
I wish I knew what they meam.
It doesn't seem to be the same
Since you took my heart for a stroll down lovers' lane.
Are they tears of joy, are they tears of fear?
For there was no one who could come so near;
No one who could hold my heart or read my mind;
No one who could touch my soul.
You loved me from the very first.
you knew me well in no time at all.
Saw it all, looking past the worst;
Showing me other things which will befall.
I love you for loving me.
I thank you for makking me a part of you.
You've grown on me, so
That without you, I don't know where I 'd be.
So when you look at me and see
The tears falling like a gentle rain...
I guess I do know what it means:
It means I love you forever and always.

Where Did My Star Go?

There are times when I sit and wonder
Where did I go wrong?
For when I look at people I've met or places I've been,
I can't imagine how time takes so long...

I say time, for that's what makes the world go 'round;
That's what changes our course in life.
It alters feelings and thoughts;
It brings sorrows as well as joys;
And it reminds us to keep our feet on the ground.

With all the changes life brings,
There come new beginnings in everything...
New obstacles, new friends,
New relationships , new interests, and new ends.
Some bring lsughs and hopes; others bring sorrows and pangs.

I used to think I had an angel
Who entrusted me with a special star
That shines bright each and every night
For all the good I might have done.

But when the time comes for most things to fall apart,
It makes it quite difficult to see my star.
Then I wonder, " Where did my star go?"
And "Why doesn't it shine when I feel most in need?"
Which is when I remember I have to make the start.

The star shiens because of the good that I do;
Because of the things that give me joy and hope and love...
And when my star begins to fade,
I am the only one who can make it shine bright ~
I can turn it from blue...
Which is what I must do.

I must get on with my life
And not dwell on the mistakes of the past.
And every little bit of hope makes my star shine
Just a little bit brighter...
Hope for brighter things to come.

Then I don't have to ask,
"Where did my star go?"
Because deep down I will always know
That I simply have to keep on hoping
And moving on for the ever changing things I believe in.

Turning the Page...

When the world comes crashing over you,
How do you know what to do?
When your friends seem to go away,
How long will you wait?
Do you give up?Do you give in?...
Give it all to love or hate?
And if you don't, do you keep on trying?
When is the trying done?...
When is it time to turn the page?

Lend him your hand, lend him an ear,
Lend him your shoulder,
Let him tell you his deepest fear.
Help him up when he is down;
Pick him up and who knows if he'll come 'round.

Do you give up? do you give in?
Give it all to love or hate?...
And if you don't, do you keep on trying?
When is the trying done?...
When is it time to turn the page?

When the world comes crashing over you,
Hold me like you'll never let go;
And I'll be holding my breath
Till you let me know
When the trying is done
And when it's time to turn the page.
Do you give up? Do you give in?...
And if you don't, do you keep on trying?
When is the trying done?...
The trying will never be done...

The Difference

How do you tell the difference between black and white?
How do you know what's wrong or right?
How do you know when you're crazy or sane?
Can you really tell when things are right as rain?
How do you know what's real or dream?
Are things ever really as they seem?
I can see that some things are black and others, white.
My heart tells me what's wrong and right.
My reason tells me when I'm crazy or when I'm sane.
My gut tells me when things are right as rain.
It's not always easy to tell what's real and what's dream;
And yet, harder still, is that things aren't always as they seem.
Some things you try so hard to get past,
Thinking that these emotions and feelings won't last.
And when you've tried to forget time and time again,
You realize the love and memories just never end.

This Time

When you want me,
You know exactly where I'll be.
Take a bus, hitch a ride;
No matter to me; you have to decide.
I'm not indifferent, it's not that I don't care.
I just know I have to stay here.
I know what I want, I know what I need.
It's not for me to keep falling to my knees.
I won't chase after you. It's not my style.
You need to think about what you want for a while.
I'll give you time; I'll give you space;
But as for me, I know my place.
I will stay here. I will wait
To see if it really is fate.
I may sound harsh, I may sound cold...
All I want is to break the mold.
I don't mind doing for others, as you can see;
But this time around, I'm looking out for me.
I'm not giving up, just moving on...
Giving myself a chance to belong.
I've done for others, what they wanted me to;
And that, of course, included you.
Now it's time to do for me.
I'm on a path that I choose to be.
It's a good path that I choose
And the end of it, I will not lose.
I will stay focused, you will see,
As I explore a newer side of me.

Why?

Standing on a thin line,
Watching the next crime.
Always different reasons
For the changing seasons.
I have to ask why
It's time to say goodbye.
I can't begin
To understand.
I walk around
And everyone frowns.
Give it a chance...
Let's start this dance.
Rain or shine...
It's always a fine line.
Keep that smile...
At least for a while.
Always different reasons
For the changing seasons.
Death's not what we should fear...
It's living from year to year.
I have to ask why
It's time to say goodbye?
People come and go...
Does anyone really know
The reason
For each changing season?

Worry Or Wait

You can use a smile to hide a tear,
But it will never take away the fear.
There's something about the future history
And how it's such a mystery.
So muuch at stake, so much to lose...
How do we know what path to choose?
Sometimes we must choose the path that hurts;
Scale the walls and swim the moats.
Everyone makes their own choices, I'm sure.
That's a fact of life we can't ignore.
Give them time , their demons to face;
Without that, you lose your place.
I'm not dead, just frozen inside;
I do this for me to survive.
It's my way of saying I'll not worry; just wait.
I leave it all to the hands of fate.

Thoughts on Love

"If you love someone, let him go.
If he comes back to you, he is yours;
If he doesn't, he never was."
"Love is wanting the good for another."


Love is the name of a feeling with many faces;
Some more intense than you could ever imagine.
Many are faces of pain and sorrow,
As many are of immeasurable joy.
But the one constant, never changing variable
Is that it never fails to take you to new places.

Those places include new heights to which you've never before been;
Things you've never experienced before.
What makes it so special is being with your beloved-
The one who makes you feel like you're on top of the world,
Who makes you feel like you can fly
To heights never before seen.

Love is a gift more precious than life itself.
True, it can be overwhelming because it's like nothing you'll ever experience.
It's a completely selfless, yet ever growing emotional reaction.
As we grow, we learn and our concept of love grows and changes.
It is not something we fall 'in' or 'out' of;
But something one has to live to answer the question...

The question which is answered in different degrees...
Love cannot be forced on someone and
It cannot be taken if the beloved doesn't want to give it.
You are in charge of the love you give,
But cannot control the love you get back.
It can be as empty as a well or as deep as the seas.

Love is always open arms.
It is a blind faith- giving all, yet expecting nothing in return.
This is the face of a love and joy beyond all others:
For one cannot be disappointed when he expects nothing;
And when given expectations,
Love has a face of pain and may even cause harm.

The measure of love you have is all you can give...
One cannot give what they don't have.
The foundation of love begins with yourself...
Once the discovery of who you are is made, you have love,
For they go hand in hand;
The discovery of one being the realization of both- for which we live.

Restless

My mind grows restless.
I am weak.
I've been up pacing;
All I do is think.
I keep wanting to focus...
But then, there it goes...
My mind starts wandering
To everything it knows.
I speculate
And ponder...
When will I finally know
So I don't have to wonder?

A Soul To Keep

This white phantom has fought for so long ~
So much of it seems so wrong.
I can't fight when I'm not sure what it's for.
All I want is to be free ~
Free of doubt ~
Free of fear ~
Free of longing~
To know you are near.
I curse myself for wanting it,
But must admit I do ~
To be able to let go of you.
I wish you never loved me ~
Or maybe that I never knew.
For now I'm not quite sure
What I ought to do.
I am so completely in rapture ~
My heart was long ago captured ;
And hasn't yet been released.
All I want is to be free ~
Free to love ~
Free to be loved ~
Free to be me.
I want to escape
This seemingly uncertain fate.
To stop hiding behind
Every excuse I find;
To not let you go
If it's all in vain.
I feel I should know.
With everything I feel,
It's so hard to tell what's real.
People tell me, " He knows..."
And, "It's time for you to let go."
No one really sees
That this White Wave has come crashing to her knees.
She's let the ship come to bay,
Whether or not she likes it this way.
Everything will be alright
If I hold on to the light.
I haven't given up, just let it rest ~
Let it find it's own place to nest.
I've let this ship sail to shore ~
It knows where I'll be if it wants more.
The White Phantom has gone to sleep ~
For it's own soul it still must keep.

Misunderstood

I go through my life
Doing what I feel I should;
Not caring about the fact
That I am misunderstood.

I've tried so hard
To justify what I do;
And people still think
I can't let go of you.

If I tried to explain it,
I don't think I could...
Maybe I'm better off
Just being misunderstood.

I love you more than ever...
That I won't deny;
As for living in the past...
That would be a lie.

Do I have regrets?
I don't see why I should.
Maybe it's just better
I remain misunderstood.

It would take a lifetime
To explain the things I've done;
So I'll just cut my losses
And remember what I've won.

I've learned from my life
More than I thought I would;
And that's why it doesn't matter
If I am still misunderstood.

I won't dwell on the past
Or spend my life on regret.
I am going to live my life...
For it's the only one I get.

I know my life will happen
Just the way it should;
So I will keep on living,
Even if it means being misunderstood.

I've gained knowledge.
I've gained skill.
I know how to focus
On what is real.

Even if our paths never cross again,
As I know full well they could;
That's just one of the things about me
That remains misunderstood.

I realize that,
Just like everyone else does.
But I choose to focus
More on our love.

The biggest thing that scares me-
As rightfully it should...
That bond so powerful,
That is often misunderstood.

If we don't spend
Our forever together,
That doesn't mean it wasn't real...
That kind of love lasts forever!

I hope against hope,
As rightfully I should;
Even though, even to me,
That bond is misunderstood.

I don't have all the answers.
I just hold on to the truth;
Even when that truth
Leads me straight back to you.

I just keep on living
My life the way I should;
Hoping against hope,
That bond won't always be misunderstood.

I know the possibilities.
I'm not going through this blind.
I have no false pretences.
I don't want to rewind.

I needed the time
To do what I could.
I still need time
And hope I'm not misunderstood.

I need time, just like you,
To do the things I haven't done;
To get to the end
Of this path I am on.

To do for myself
These things I should;
So that maybe part of me
Won't be misunderstood.

It's the only part of me
That absolutely no one can take.
It's the truest part of me...
The part I could never fake.

So I cherish this chance you gave,
As only you could.
I know in my heart
I won't always be misunderstood.

I have a certain faith
In this thing that I love.
It's all mine
To be proud of.

No one can take it away from me.
It's not something they should;
For it's my dream,
Even if it's misunderstood.

Maybe when this path ends,
You will then know what you want;
But I can't focus on that now;
I just feel I shouldn't.

I've got too much happening in my life right now
To be worried about " what could's " .
It's actually quite simple , you see.
I don't know why it's so misunderstood.

I won't chase after you this time.
It's something you must decide.
I know what I deserve
And won't be taken for a ride.

It's quite simple, as you can see.
There's not much room to be misunderstood;
This time around, I'm doing for me;
So that I can finally be understood.

A Life With A Love

I see a light in your eyes,
Where the truth unfolds.
And I know that you love me,
As you've so often told.

It's not always easy,
It's not always fair;
But I know in the end,
I will still be here.

I will still be here,
You will see.
And I have faith
That you'll come back to me.

It's been no bed of roses,
No fairy tale dream;
Only a life with a love
That just won't leave.

That love keeps me going,
That love gives me life.
For I know that some day,
You will take me for your wife.

Focus

Focus...
Find the answers
Within yourself.
Focus...
Free your mind
From fear and doubt.
Love your life...
Always beware.
Show each other that you care.
Love your life...
Show you do;
Give others that same joy too.

Empty

Why am I forsaken???
Why do I feel void???
I can't shake this feeling,
No matter how hard I've tried.
My heart's been breaking,
My mind is weak...
My heart's been taken...
All I do is sink.
Fighting is overrated;
Love is always graded...
I have become ... Empty.

Peace of Mind

I'll never lose my soul
To save that of your own.
That life that you were building,
Will live on in your children.
It's sad that you choose not to know them.;
But that won't keep me from being my own person.
I thought what we had was finally golden...
Yet I look and all I see is it's still broken.
I wish you saw me from within,
But all you choose to see is my sin.
I can't give up who I am
Just to be who you think I am
Or even who you think I should be.
It wouldn't be me.
It lives on, but you choose not to see
Any of us three.
I won't feel bad;
I'm not in the wrong...
I can't feel sad,
For following my heart's song.
You make me feel like I am caught...
Like you'll love me for pretending to be who I am not.
That's not something I can do...
Change my life just for you.
You weren't there before,
But now you choose to ignore.
I'll live on with peace of mind,
Knowing that I found what I came to find.

Serene Mornings and Grateful Hearts

Time for reflection...

I woke this morning to the sunrise and a serene house, as babes were still sleeping. I decided I might try to got to Mass and leave babes with Elise as they were still passed out. I was eager to be able to sit in the actual pews instead of the cry room for a change. Well, I zipped out the door to make it to 545 Mass only to find the doors still locked. I sat there and eventually the doors were unlocked, however, after glancing at the bulletin, it said there was no 545 Mass today. So I went in to say a Rosary and to sit with Our Lord for a short while. It's amazing how much a quick one on one visit with Our Lord can do, most especially with no distractions!

Today, mostly I kneeled and listened more than speaking, aside from saying a Rosary. We all know that if I an engrossed in stimulating, intelligent conversation, I can go on for days, however, I didn't want to chat. I simply wanted to be... to be grateful, to be in the BEST of company most especially. That time couldn't have been more perfect.

On the way home, it occured to me that although I have said it before, it bears repeating... I am truly blessed beyond belief! My littles, in spite of what we have been through, are thriving in such a positive manner.  I look around and see how much worse off we could be and realize just how truly blessed we are. I have always tried to look at life with an attitude of gratitude, however, today I realized that for all the gratitude I have, I still beat myself up regularly about my babes... I second guess if I am on the path God has intended for us, I beat myself up about not not being able to provide babes with a better life, I wonder about what sort of effect me being mom and dad will have on them. I wonder if all the priests and my friends are right about telling me I need to find a good and holy man for us who will be a virtuous and upright person, loving and accepting of all of us. I beat myself up over the times I respond out of frustration or anger. I feel like the worst parent alive. Here I am trying to teach my children how to deal with their emotions in a constructive and positive way and I respond by getting angry and raising my voice. I am punishing them for being human... for having a fit about soemthing, when the reality is, we all have our fits. I finally realized that the way I respond to these instances is what makes or breaks the situation. The fact that both babes are overall, very secure is a sign that I must be doing something right. I tend to forget that, although I may stsrive for perfection, I am not there yet. I will stuble and I will fall, but, the example I set for them is what really counts. I get back up and keep moving forward. I apologize hundreds of times a day. Teaching them that their thoughts and feelings matter, as do everyone's, and teaching them that there are always choices and always consequences for those choices, is what I forget that I have done right.

So, today, I will focus not on the things I do wrong, but the fact that I learn and keep getting back up. I will show my littles by my choice to keep moving forward, that mistakes happen, but what counts is how we handle them. I will show them that love is all encompassing, it isn't just when we have a good day. I will show them that we all must take ownership and responsibility for the choices we make. Today, I will embrace my imperfections as blessings sent to teach me. Today, I will take more time to teach and less to scold. Today, I will take more time to remember to give grace, most expecially to myself, for my shortcomings.

Food For Thought

I have had some incredibly interesting conversations with others the past month or so. In addition, I began frequenting the forums on Catholic Match. There are quite often some fairly decent topics. In any case, There was a post about "Fears that keep you single" and I had a follow up about "Concerns you might have about entering into a relationship". I have written in the past, I believe, about how there are mainly two emotions that I believe, drive all action. The first, is fear; the second would be love. I believe that when we understand this, it can help guide us. I believe that if we are aware, we will be more likely to face those fears. It can also give us a deeper insight into who we are, if we choose to learn from it.

Know thyself...Something I whole heartedly believe is that in order to know what we want in life, we have to know who we are. That journey is never ending. As we go through life... the joys, the trials, the heartaches, the highs, and the lows, they mold us, for better or worse, into who we become. We can choose to live with the scars and grow from them or we can wallow and be victims of these experiences.

So, in light of the above, I will address the forum post now, knowing that the fears are legitimate, but also knowing that your fears are healthy, so long as you dont allow them to run your life. FEAR: Face Everything And Recover.

The fears that keep one single...  the original man who posted the question couldn't have hit the nail on the head better if he tried. His first fear was a fear of a major clash of consciences in the relationship. It's such a legitimate concern. For me, knowing that I am a strong person... strong willed, opinionated, hard headed, stubborn, it is a very real concern. My past experiences have taught me that, although men claim they want a strong woman, the reality is, to date, no one has been able to truly handle the strong kind of woman I am. When a clash of consciences presents itself, I don't bow if I have a strong opinion, unless I am presented with a logical argument that can change my mind. It doesn't make me unreasonable, just more thought and judegment driven and less emotionally driven. This is also an area which concerns me greatly because a clash of consciences, depending on the subject, can make or break a relationship. If the subject is Faith, family or politics, and there is a clash, it could rock the foundation or prevent one from even being built. My past has also taught me that. That is one reason I am so unwaivering on Faith in practice or Rite practiced. If we can't agree on that, what chance do we have?

Next up was a fear the other person may not be able to understand me, because my perspective on most everything tends to be odd and complex. Fear the other person wouldn't be willing to accept me for who I am and fear I would be unable to accept the other person. I think they go hand in hand. To say my perspective can be odd and complex is a bit of an understatement , according to those who know me. I am a thinker and an analyzer by nature. I love to be challenged. I push the envelope. I have views that are exactly mine, odd and complex, thought filled, random, brooding, sometimes humorous, quirky, over the top to some, bordering conspiracy to others, plain old whackadoo too. My Faith in practice seems to be different than most, as I have found. Also, my parenting seems to also be unique and that isn't lost on me. I am health conscious, I don't vaccinate, I attend the traditional Latin Mass (the Society of St. Pius X Marian Corps, to be specific), I want to homeschool, I like learning about cars and studying theology and apologetics for fun, I am passionate about health and the human body, I believe Vatican II changed things in the Church, I have an opinion on most things, I love a good debate, I'm part geek and part nerd and for me, I love it and accept it, but, will that other person truly be able to understand me and love and not only accept, but embrace all parts of me? And as for me accepting all of them, I would hope that would be the case, as history has proven that I am a very accepting and forgiving person, however, history has also proven that people change, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse... and even sometimes, not at all. If it's for the better, will I be growing alongside that person, moving in the same direction? If for the worse, will I be able to sit by with someone who chooses not to grow? If not at all, is that good enough? And finally, are that last two healthy?

The fear of would I emotionally and intellectually starve in a relationship is also very present. As I consider myself an ever evolving person, would that person be able to keep up? Would they appreciate my insatiable desire for growth and knowledge? Would they be able to emotionally stimulate me to keep moving forward with me? Would we be on the same page... leading each other to Eternal Salvation?

Really, the biggest one for me, the fear of another loving and accepting my littles as they deserve. Will someone love them and appreciate and care for them as if they were their own, because they are so precious and deserve nothing less. In reverse, if I were to meet someone who I ended up bonding with and growing to love, would my babes love and accept them also?

To The Men Who Didn't Have The Balls To Claim Me...

A Thank You Letter to the Men Who Didn’t Have the Balls to Claim Me.

Via Kate Roseon Jun 25, 2015

This is a note of thank you to all the men who never had the balls to claim me.

Although I am a strong and independent woman, I have a secret cavern inside my heart that is open to be claimed—but never owned.

And while I realize I still have so far to travel on this journey, I also feel immensely thankful for all those “maybes”and “what ifs.”

I’m thankful for those that were intimidated by my wild heart because it taught me that I have two choices in life—to either live within the boundaries of their comfort level, or to say f*ck it, and be my own self—wild and all.

Thank you for teaching me to embrace, love and revel in my wild.

I am appreciative for those who I made uncomfortable with my truth. It was only through learning how much others don’t like the truth exposed, to learn for myself how much I crave its very existence—if truth were a drug it would be my favorite high.

Thank you for teaching me to never be afraid of the darkness that the truth may hold.

I’m gratified for each and every time that I felt I wasn’t getting what I needed from a man—because in fact I wasn’t. It was only through looking at what I didn’t have that made me realize what I do want. While I may travel along empty back roads by myself at times, I also have realized that it’s okay to not accept less than what I deserve, regardless of if it makes sense to others or not.

Thank you for showing me everything that I don’t want, so that when I finally come face-to-face with what I do want—I’ll have the courage to go after it.

I am thankful for the insecurities that your actions brought out in me, because if it hadn’t, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. In looking at what emotions the behaviors of the others were triggering in me I had the ability to look at myself and make the choice on how I wanted to feel. It was only through this experience that I learned no one can make me feel a certain way unless I give them permission to do so.

Thank you for helping make me into the strong confident woman that I am today.

Even though at the time it is never easy, I am simply so grateful that you never loved me enough. We never love the same way twice, and while I know in your own way you did love me, it wasn’t the kind that could keep me warm on a blustery winter’s eve. Thank you for showing me that I don’t want someone to be only half in love with me, or to merely appreciate me—but to leave them breathless.

Thank you for teaching me that the love I seek is the one that is extraordinary.

I am so grateful that I was able to feel what it was like to be trapped by normality, because it taught me that I will never fit into any sort of box or label. I was not put here to make others feel comfortable, but instead to make them feel alive.

Thank you for never appreciating me for my individuality and spirit, because it taught me how important it is to stay true to myself.

Although being alone was tinged in isolation at times, I realize now that it was in those moments that I was able to take root and bloom into myself. Finding our own way in this world where so many think they know what is right for each of us is the most difficult work we will do. I will always be grateful for you trying to change me so that I was able to realize I am exactly as I should be

Thank you for leaving me with my loneliness so I could find my way back to myself.

I am so appreciative for you having tried to make me the woman behind the man, because it was there in the shadows I learned that I am meant to be a partner and nothing else. I can create a lot more trouble in this world next to a man who appreciates the burn of originality.

Thank you for attempting to dim my light so I learned that I needed to burn as bright as I could.

Thank you for being afraid of the power of my sexuality, and the mysteries of my eyes because it taught me that only those who can match my passion should be allowed to share in it with me.

Thank you for being scared of my intelligence and the depths of my mind, because it taught me there is a difference in loving how I look, or how I make you feel versus loving who I really am.

Thank you for not being the man that I needed, so that instead I was able to see the woman I already was.

Thank you for never having the balls to stake a claim on my heart, because it left the space and opportunity for someone who will be brave enough to take a chance on the wonderful desire of the unknown—someone who will cultivate every trait you tried to suppress.

Thank you for being all wrong, because it showed me what right will look like—and for that I will always be eternally grateful.

“The right man will love all the things about you that the wrong man was intimidated by.”  ~ Unknown

I came across this article last month. I have always tried explaining that I am grateful for all of my experiences in life, because without them, I would not be the person I am today. The person I am finally able to love and accept, flaws and all, would not be that same person, had any of my experiences changed. This article struck me to the core as I am so truly blessed and grateful for all those who have come into my life. The hardest lessons are the ones I seem to be the most grateful for. I wanted to add to this list as there were a few other things that I thought were worth mentioning, for my thank you list...

Thank you for telling me I was weak and worthless, becuase it helped me to find my strentght and value.

Thank you for blaming me for all that was wrong in life, because it allowed me to take responsibility for my actions.

Thank you for not taking on the role of man and provider for the family, because now I know exactly what I'm made of. I was made aware of a strength I never knew I had.

And, most importantly, thank you for allowing me to compromise my own beliefs and never questioning me, for now, I understand how important it truly is to be unwaivering and unapologetic for my beliefs and for who I am.