Wisdom and Discerning the Will of God

Julie is an incredible blessing in my life, without a doubt. It had been a few months since I saw her and I desperately needed it. There was a bit of resistance this time around and I wasn't on my right and true path. It would make sense as things have been so unclear the past few weeks. I have been praying for discernment in so many areas of my life lately.

The first area is Faith... I have been praying for quite some time about wisdom to discern where I should be, or rather where God desires that we end up... between the SSPX, the FSSP, and the Resistance, my research has led me to lean more toward the Resistance. My conflict comes more from the fact that my cousin, James, is an SSPX priest & James just entered the seminary in Winona; then, Fr. Hewko is no longer with the SSPX, but with the Resistance. It all makes sense to me when I hear his reasons for taking the stand he did. Then, when I speak to Fr. Carlisle or James, they believe it was preemptive as no agreement has officially been reached. So, I pray daily for wisdom & guidance... to discern where it is that God wants my little family to land.

Next two, my family and my job... my babes are my entire life and my whole world. I am bound and; determined to do right by them, at all costs, in all areas of life. I tied these two together because they go hand in hand. this area has been so unclear because, rebuilding my business has been met with challenge after challenge. I keep moving on, but somehow, due to all the challenges, I have lost sight of where I am supposed to be headed and how to get there. It is as if I have this amazing tool, thanks to my mom, but, I am having the most difficult time finding steady, reliable childcare so that I can get back to a steady client base that will support and sustain us; transportation has also made it quite difficult to market. It's as if I was blessed with this mat and then, even though I thought I saw the direction I should be heading, I became uncertain. I am not sure whether it is fear of failing that is holding me back or the uncertainty of how to get to the end goal or the not knowing if that is the path God intends for us... for me, to be on. And, of course, I pray for wisdom to discern what my true path is and perseverance to press on forward. And the other part of this family equation... A potential partner/ spouse/ father figure... I resigned on Catholic Match back in December because I realize that I do deserve to have a partner/ spouse in my life. It is not out of grasp. I am lacking in the socializing department and I thought about the fact that, if nothing more, it would be good for social interaction with people above the ages of 1 and 2. :) This time around, I went into it surrendering myself to His plan.  I know I can do this alone, I have been from the beginning. I also know I don't have to and it would be amazing to have someone to share my life with who will love my babes as their own and who wants to be there. I am happy with who I am, although it has taken a long time to get there. I love my life, but it doesn't mean that there aren't times that it gets overwhelming and that I don't wish that there were someone there to lean on and to lend a hand or a shoulder or support. I don't want those moments of overwhelm to overshadow the end result.... God's will for me. I have met some incredible people this time around as well. For starters, I met Kara, my very potential nanny for the summer. She is an amazing person & I am exstatic to actually meet her on Friday! She is coming for a visit to meet us in person and see if it is really what she wants to do. Then, there are the gentlemen I have met and who I am conversing with. They are all quite unique and I am truly enjoying getting to know them. I know myself well enough to know that I am the type of person that can fall fast and hard and I don't want my heart to overshadow God's will in all of this. So, I pray for wisdom to discern the will of God, again.

In all things, I am grateful. In all things, I will continue forward, praying until I am certain of God's will for us.

The Rosary, our modern day spiritual weapon; the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, our most precious gift and blessing from God; Babes, happy healthy, laughing, inquisitive, playing; Learning- about the Faith, my babes, myself, massage, others, DIY things, friends; , family; Reading a good book- about Faith, personal growth, self developement, history, science, health; Massages; deep and meaningful conversation- about Faith, family, politics, a good book; Nature: rivers, waterfalls, anything outdoors; Hiking; swimming; camping; a bon fire; travel; road trips; a pen and paper; peotry; writing poetry; blogging; cooking; clean laundry; freshly bathed babes; sleeping babes; a clean kitchen; Winter & the snow... babes playing in it; the tranquility that comes before a freshly fallen snow & the peace found after that I have yet to see anywhere else. Music; hugs; snuggles; wine; beer; coffee; wine with good company; Ice cream; sangria; snuggling with a loved one; being able to share my passions with someone; Summer... sunshine; swimming; running through the sprinkler; mowing the lawn; gardening; walks; long days; beautiful sunsets; breathtaking sunrises; coffee on the porch watching the sun rise; wine or beer on the porch watching the sun set. Spring... Holy Week; walks; flowers in bloom; Love... true love; a shoulder to lean on; a partner to navigate life with; a man... an Alpha; strong in the Faith; a praying man; chivalrous; learned; passionate; hard working; true love of my babes; wise; loving; transparent; honest; true; a reader; a best friend; a good sport. Good health, simplicity; Fall... pumpkin spice, the wondrous smells- rain; thunder storms; leaves; Pumpkin Spice; Salted Caramel; Apples; Cannning; baking. coffee shop days back on Whidbey; visits with William out on the Pier :); helping people; fresh cut grass. Spring... blooming flowers; signs of new life; chirping birds; butterflies; evening walks with babes and saying our Rosary; reading; reading with babes; making animal sounds; monkeying around with babes; cooking for a full house; The smell of freshly brewed coffee; A overly hot candlelight bubble bath; Essential oils; my massage studio~ my sanctuary; my own massage oil blends; freshly made laundry soap and fabric softener; breakfast for dinner; a fully stocked pantry; berries picked straight from the garden; homemade Mulligatawny Soup; Curry and Indian food; sushi; Ben and Jerry'sets Coffee Toffee Crunch; barefeet; flip flops; timepiece movies; comedies; travel channel; trivia games; board games; freshly washed sheets; Music; concerts in the park with great freinds; Hockey; Leavenworth; Ice skating; yoga pants; soft fuzzy blankets; Washington Park; Ferry rides; Star gazing; moon watching; picnics; a book so intriguing you can't put it down; a conversation so captivating you continue from sunset to sunrise; my massage studio; mat sessions; road trips; cross country flights; visiting new countries; 

Releasing the Past

It would seem to me that, just when things seem to look up, there is always something from the past that awakens. My prayer is that we have good and holy influences in our lives; that we are on the path God has intended for us; that we continue to move forward on our path. My prayer is plain gratitude for all the things God has blessed us with: family and friends, both new, and old. 


Faith comes from the very heart of the Blessed Trinity... as does love. I feel that since I have grown in my Faith & my prayer life & spiritual life, things have come to pass effortlessly & seamlessly. My desire to know more & learn more, has stemmed from a deeper love and appreciation for my Faith. That, in turn has given me a different outlook on things. For instance, a future spouse... after reading First Comes Love by Scott Hahn, I added the virtue of wisdom to my prayer list... the wisdom to surrender the process to God, in its entirety. When I signed up for Catholic Match the second time, I did it because I felt that God was telling me I needed adult interaction with like minded people... people of the same Faith with similar morals & values. &, along the way, if God sees fit, maybe he will place a special someone in my path. I have learned that I am okay by myself, and that, yes, it would be wonderful to share this crazy thing we call life with someone, but, it isn't worth it to share a life with a someone who isn't that one someone. So, resignation to the will of God, in addition to prayer & increasing my adult interaction, is what I will be working towards.

I seem to do this a lot... Begin a post & then not get to completing it... :) the life of a mother, I suppose. 

I do find a little irony in the title, as the past was just brought up with someone I was chatting with tonight. The context is that I asked about past love. The response I got was  he had never discussed in detail about his past loves; that it couldn't be discussed, good or bad for the honor of a woman. I immediately felt as if I had offended by the reaction I got, or lack thereof, even before he responded. I apologized for overstepping.

As for the title of this post... I believe that our past serves a purpose, if only to teach a lesson, if we are willing to learn it... & I believe it will continue to come back to haunt us until we can learn whatever it is we are intended to learn. I think it is an incredible gift to be able to have the past to use as a reference guide. It makes us who we are. All of our experiences in life mold us into who we are; what we value; what our passions are; what our dreams and wishes are. How we handle our past can shape our future. We can become bitter and untrusting. We can become grateful. We can become couraegous and brave or timid and fearful. We can choose to play the victim or we can rise above it & be a victor. We can give up or we can persevere. We can have Faith or we can despair.

So, when it comes to my past, how I view it is that it has molded me into the person I am today. If I regreted or changed one thing, I wouldn't be the same person that I am today. I don't want to hide any of it, because although I made many poor decisions, again, I am who I am because of those poor decisions. I share my story with people because, in some way, maybe I can help someone else with my story and my past. If I could save someone from some of the choices I made that hurt myself & others, then I am grateful. I choose to embrace the lessons from my past, but to release the past itself.

Now, even more importantly, as I have been praying & surrendering to God's will in my life when it comes to marriage, I have come to see the importance of beginning any potential new relationship by getting all the heavy details out of the way first. I do feel like the past is part of the heavy details that should be discussed. For me, it is important that anyone who I enter into a relationship with, is aware of everything about me. If I can't discuss these things with them, especially the difficult things, then I don't think it is the right relationship. Sharing something so deep with someone gives insight into who is real and who isn't; who will be there through anything & who will run as fast as they can the other direction. As far as discernment, most especially with my babes, I think that giving every possible detail I can & getting the same in return, is the only option I have. I can't enter into a romantic relationship without having full disclosure. It would be most unwise to begin a relationship with someone who didn't know all the details of my past, and vice versa.

So, again, back to the conversation I had tonight about past loves... at this juncture in my life, on a friendship level, I can completely respect the decision not to discolse past love details and, on a friendship level, it may have been presumptuous of me to assume it was a question that was not off limits to ask. So, for that I am terribly sorry. Lesson learned.

And for me, as I sit here, able to reflect on my many lists, I am now able to add another thing to it... my list of things that are important in a spouse, that is... full and complete transparency in all things, past, present, and to come.