Vegas, Baby!

So much to do, so little time.... I just realized that my sister's 30th birthday is a week away & we are doing Vegas for her birthday! First time I'll actually be going there for fun. I've only ever driven through, so it will be exciting for me. In the meantime, I've got much to do to prepare! Laundry, shopping, work, & of course, finishing off a few knitting projects that are also needing to be rounded up fairly soon. I am working on more headscarves & also a drop stitch scarf for a friend's mom. The headscarf is for a girlfriend who shares a birthday with my sister & the scarf is for a lady who finished a case I began quite some time ago. The case was supposed to house all my knitting & crochet  notions. I'll get pics posted as soon as I can.
Oh yes, & let me not forget.... I also must finish researching so I can cast my vote.

The Never Ending Trinity Stitch Blanket...

Now, this pattern is courtesy of Cheri's Knits. I did increase the size as I wanted a bigger blanket. I call it the never ending blanket as I have been working on it for the past 2 1/2 years. It is going to be pretty fantastic to see it finished. There will be such a sense of accomplishment once this project is finally finished!

Halloween

Not much to say, but we went to Schuh Farms & picked up a multitude of Pumpkins. I had so much fun carving them! I hadn't done it in ages. Of course, if it rots before Halloween, I may just have to do a few more! =) In any case, it was a nice break in the midst of all the knitting projects I have going on right now. Now to find a most excellent recipe for some sort of Pumpkin or Squash Soup!!!

It Can't Rain All the Time

The liquid sunshine has finally arrived here on Whidbey. It brings with it a gusty wind. Although I will miss the glorious sunshine and its' early rising & late setting, I am, in a way, looking forward to snuggling up with some Tea, Coffee, or Cocoa, a nice fuzzy blanket & a good book or a fun knitting project... & anyone who knows me, knows I have plenty knitting to do! =)
Speaking of rain, there's also a different sort of storm brewing. So many different dynamics in such an extensive family! Emotions are being stirred for certain. A loss that resonates through time & has impacted so many lives. So much pain still hides in the cracks of time and space. How much would have changed if just one thing had been different?

On that note, a poem in the works, but not yet finished...

A baby died

A family quietly cried
The father retreated
The mother was defeated
But what about his brother?
Did anyone see him suffer?

My heart is so very heavy
The tears fill my eyes.
the pain he has carried
is running through my mind.

How could I not see
it was impossible to ignore.
the burden that was his
the sorrow he endured.

How can I tell him
how can i make him see
That anger & regret
won’t ever change a thing.

Regret won’t change the history
Sorrow won’t rewind the time
Guilt won’t drown out the misery
In the end, we must resign.

A resignation of the anger & rage
Anything that will get us out of this place

Once we let go of all of our hate

There's more room for the things we appreciate!

Much To Learn!!!

I started on a new venture recently. It began with Facebook. I kept finding family & they kept finding me. Although not the most conventional way to get to know someone, when you have a family as big & as extended as the one I do, you work with what you're given. The Hewkos I have known are all the West Coast Hewko families. & some 15 years ago, I met many of our Canadian relatives. Along with being quite extensive, it can also be one big gossip & drama fest, of which I am definitely NOT a fan. Years ago, I took a sabbatical from the Hewko family for this very reason. Too much gossip & drama for me. I have slowly integrated myself back in from a distance.
Recently, with all the contact I've made & had with the family I've met, as well as the family I have yet to meet, I have become quite curious. Many questions have been posed by myself and others about the family. On a whim, and after much deliberation with cousins & second cousins, etc... I set up a group page for the Hewkos & their extensive family. One thing has led to another & now we're getting all sorts of information! I've been posting old family photos & in turn, others have begun to do the same. There are a few family trees going now too. One of my second cousins, Lynn, has been working on a Hewko family tree for over a decade! & another of my second cousins, Donna is also preparing a tree. The interesting thing is that Lynn is from California & Donna is from Canada. It will be curious to see if we get more of the Canadian take & more of the Californian take from them both.
& in this fashion, I have taken a note & started now to compile the information I have regarding the Gee/ Lee side of my family tree. My Grandmother had already done quite a bit of work on this subject & traced us back to China, Ireland & Australia on the Gee side. I need to find out more about my Grandpa Joe Lee's side of the family as well.
In the midst of all of this, there remains the mundane activities of everyday life.... work, more work, maybe some knitting, poetry reading or writing, book reading, cooking, working out, etc...

Recent Craft Projects

http://knitty.com/ISSUEwinter06/PATTcalorimetry.html

So here is my latest knitting project. I made a few of these head scarves for the Out of the Darkness Walk & then Pam suggested I make them & sell them putting the proceeds toward the cause. Many to make, but I am going to start.

Still Untitled...

Is there ever any end
to all these crazy questions?
Will I ever find the answers
to what I seek within?
I know my heart
yet I am still confused.
How do I get to the results
that will lead me to the truth?
The easiest thing would be
if I didn’t love him or didn’t care,
however, the reality isn’t such.
That is the reason I must beware.
I am beyond confused
and feel that I am bare.
Sometimes I get angry
I feel myself get scared.
Often I feel cheated
like the game was changed mid course.
It wasn’t what I expected
It has come up all too short.
The game has changed
and I’m not sure when,
it’s thrown me for a loop
and I’m not sure where it ends.
If I listen to the quiet,
if I drown out all the noise,
Can I get a clear answer
to my soul’s silent voice?
The only thing I am sure of
is I will not compromise my heart.
My beliefs are the foundation of my soul
and with them, I refuse to part.
These days I find myself lost in confusion
and constantly deep in thought
always coming up empty
in regards to the answers I sought.
I don’t have any regrets
I just don’t know which path to choose.
Regardless of the outcome,
someone’s going to lose.
I can’t stay here forever,
in this place of uncertainty.
Please help me find the guidance
that will bring my heart it’s peace.
I feel that I am growing,
accepting the changes day by day.
Learning to roll with the punches
learning to dance in the rain.
I am a work in progress
just trying to get by
wading through the bullshit
One day I’ll reach the sky!
I know the answers are there
I just have to continue the fight
One day soon I hope,
I’ll be basking in the light

A new day

I had so many thoughts going through my head this past few days. About life/ death/ joy/ accomplishment/ trial & error/ memories/ losses/ wins, etc... etc...

There are so many things that people take for granted! Dear God, I hope that I always remember how truly  blessed I am! You have put so many truly wonderful people in my life & there are just no words. I know people say to consider themselves lucky to count their true friends on one hand. I have that in spades! I am grateful beyond belief. May I always show my appreciation & make the most of every moment I have with my loved ones. Love, Jenn.

I suppose a good place to start would be by saying that, after some encouragement form Marianne & a few of my patients' parents, I have applied to be a volunteer advocate for the state of Washington for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. What this entails is lobbying with the state politicians, raising awareness, planning events, etc... I emailed my app yesterday, so we'll see what happens.

I find it interesting how many people have brought the subject up with me recently. I was asked why I am raising money for this cause & why it is so important to me. Well, the answer is pretty simple. Suicide is an ugly reality that occurs at an alarming rate. I suppose the cause hits close to home because, had I not had the people in my life that I did, it so very easily could have been me. Growing up, I often thought I wasn't good enough for anyone. I assumed I could never do anything right because I could never make my mom happy or proud of me. I figured that if my dad didn't even care enough to be around & since my mom shipped me off to boarding school & wouldn't let me stay home, why would anyone else want me or want anything to do with me. I had the courage to confide my thoughts & all to an amazing priest who helped me through my insecurities & self doubt, etc... I feel I owe it to myself to pay it forward, in  a sense. I am truly grateful that I am here today & wish for every lost soul that they find their self worth & their happiness. If I can be of help in any way, I am blessed & consider myself lucky. Now that you have the background, maybe it explains my connection with this cause.

On the same subject, I am already attempting to put a team together for the next community walk. Any & all are welcome! Strength in numbers, my friends! Please do your part!

Seattle Out of the Darkness Walk

Alright, let me just say that yesterday was fantastic! The Seattle Out of the Darkness Walk was pretty incredible. the count was 660 people who registered & checked in, plus at least 200 more. Let me just say that it is truly incredible to see a decent sized group show up to support such a great & much needed cause! The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has just recently opened a new Chapter here in Washington, which is totally awesome.I was honored to be a part of the event.

I was talking to Marianne, my boss' wife, today & explaining to her that there is only one volunteer in the entire state of Washington to advocate for this cause. Marianne thinks I should devote some of my time lobbying for this great cause. She believes that I could truly do some good by volunteering to lobby with the politicians and such. I really think I could do some good also. I am pretty determined when I am passionate about something.

Same topic, but a different side... I am starting now to raise money & get a team together for the next one! Any & all ideas are welcome. I've already got a few. Knitting headbands to sell/ putting a collection cup out @ work... The sky's the limit.

Seattle Out of the Darkness Walk at Green Lake Park

So far, this week has been busy. The most eventful part of the week is preparing for the Seattle Out of the Darkness Community Walk. The Walk benefits the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I think it is a wonderful thing to have a group that shows such an immense amount of support for suicide prevention & also for the loved ones who have been left behind.
I think that knowing someone either directly or indirectly who has been affected by suicide in some way, can change a person. I also think that them knowing there are people there for them can also save a life. The amount of suicides that take place is alarmingly high. It is said that every 16 minutes, someone commits suicide. Scary facts.
Something I'm not ready to go into detail about, but I have first hand experience on the subject.
I walk to show support for all the loved ones left behind & to help people realize there is always another option! Choose life!

Misunderstood

I go through my life

Doing what I feel I should;

Not caring about the fact

That I am misunderstood.

I've tried so hard

To justify what I do;

And people still think

I can't let go of you.

If I tried to explain it,

I don't think I could...

Maybe I'm better off

Just being misunderstood.

I love you more than ever...

That I won't deny;

As for living in the past...

That would be a lie.

Do I have regrets?

I don't see why I should.

Maybe it's just better

I remain misunderstood.

It would take a lifetime

To explain the things I've done;

So I'll just cut my losses

And remember what I've won.

I've learned from my life

More than I thought I would;

And that's why it doesn't matter

If I am still misunderstood.

I won't dwell on the past

Or spend my life on regret.

I am going to live my life...

For it's the only one I get.

I know my life will happen

Just the way it should;

So I will keep on living,

Even if it means being misunderstood.

I've gained knowledge.

I've gained skill.

I know how to focus

On what is real.

Even if our paths never cross again,

As I know full well they could;

That's just one of the things about me

That remains misunderstood.

I realize that,

Just like everyone else does.

But I choose to focus

More on our love.

The biggest thing that scares me-

As rightfully it should...

That bond so powerful,

That is often misunderstood.

If we don't spend

Our forever together,

That doesn't mean it wasn't real...

That kind of love lasts forever!

I hope against hope,

As rightfully I should;

Even though, even to me,

That bond is misunderstood.

I don't have all the answers.

I just hold on to the truth;

Even when that truth

Leads me straight back to you.

I just keep on living

My life the way I should;

Hoping against hope,

That bond won't always be misunderstood.

I know the possibilities.

I'm not going through this blind.

I have no false pretences.

I don't want to rewind.

I needed the time

To do what I could.

I still need time

And hope I'm not misunderstood.

I need time, just like you,

To do the things I haven't done;

To get to the end

Of this path I am on.

To do for myself

These things I should;

So that maybe part of me

Won't be misunderstood.

It's the only part of me

That absolutely no one can take.

It's the truest part of me...

The part I could never fake.

So I cherish this chance you gave,

As only you could.

I know in my heart

I won't always be misunderstood.

I have a certain faith

In this thing that I love.

It's all mine

To be proud of.

No one can take it away from me.

It's not something they should;

For it's my dream,

Even if it's misunderstood.

Maybe when this path ends,

You will then know what you want;

But I can't focus on that now;

I just feel I shouldn't.

I've got too much happening in my life right now

To be worried about " what could's " .

It's actually quite simple , you see.

I don't know why it's so misunderstood.

I won't chase after you this time.

It's something you must decide.

I know what I deserve

And won't be taken for a ride.

It's quite simple, as you can see.

There's not much room to be misunderstood;

This time around, I'm doing for me;

So that I can finally be understood.

Focus

Up until now, I've lived my life alone.

But I've had a taste of sweetness

When they came into my life.

For the one, as quickly as he had gone,

He was back.

I remember life without him,

Yet it's all become such a blur.

I think back to when he wasnt there

And try to remember what it was like;

And it just seems to make this time more dear.

I've learned to appreciate and love him more,

I've taken it all to heart.

And thank God for giving me the courage to make the start.

I saw in his eyes tremendous love and regret.

I wish I could ease his pain,

Yet all I can say is, " It's over." and "I cherish the chance we now get."

The other came into my life just as fast.

He taught me to trust and truly love,

Though at the time I did not see.

And even when I told him good-bye for a while,

He never ever left.

Sure he was gone in body,

But his soul was an indelible part of me.

The thought of him was with me every day.

And it made me realize in a different way

Just how much I need them both in my life.

These two are the dearest blessings God could have ever bestowed.

For I love them both with all my heart.

They've opened up doors and windows to my soul.

And helped me to be the person that I am...

Helped me to learn who I am and what is truly important to me.

The more I learn about them, the more I learn about me.

And this knowledge only increases the gravity and intensity of the love I bear for them.

As I looked for gifts for you this year,

I realized that nothing could ever express how I feel.

And I thought the best possible gift I could ever give,

Is the expression of love in my own words.

This is the only material thing that could ever come close to expressing what I feel.

For the both of us, guilt won't change the past.

What counts isn't what happened last,

But what we learned.

I learned that I am my father's daughter-

And I love him for that.

I wish him every happiness his heart desires,

And I promise to relish every moment we have-

Good and bad.

Because now that we have each other,

We can face it all together.

And wheatever differences we may have had,

We've worked through them all.

And I want you to know

I will always love you dearly

And Merry Christmas, Dad!

The Fight

We are the world.

We are the people.

If we don't fight,

Then who will?

Fight for what's right;

Fight for what's true.

When you do this,

People will always respect you.

They can say it's wrong.

They can say it's right;

But it won't matter

If we don't fight!

There are so many questions

That we may never know the answers to...

Just trust your heart,

And it will answer you.

Mistakes don't matter,

As long as you truly live.

Love your life...

It's all you have to give.

In the end, we're left with nothing,

From the world's point of view;

But you learn you make impressions

More by what you do.

Make your mistakes,

But open your eyes.

Don't go through your life

As if you were blind!!!

Procrastination

I've built a scyscraper

Out of procrastination;

Always excusing the fact

I haven't reached my destination.

This tower of doubt,

This tower of fear,

Hangs over my head

As I stand right here.

On the fifth floor

There's so much rage...

There's so much anger

In this heart's bitter cage.

On the eighth,

All I see is regret

At not knowing whether

This is the only chance I get.

From the tenth,

I take a look outside

And wish it were simpler~

An easier ride.

The twelvth floor stands tall,

Full of insecurity and doubt...

Not knowing what I'm doing;

Forgetting what life's about.

I've done it this time~

Made a mess out of life;

Caused so much heartache,

So much strife.

Give me a way

To tear down this tower.

Unspoken Words

Thoughts run rampant,

A new world exposed,

Mind grows weary,

With all the old.

A new door opens,

Windows bright and clear,

A new dream arises,

With the one you hold dear.

A glance is passed

Where you just know.

And then a kiss

For all unspoken words.

He holds you near;

You feel his gentle touch.

You can't hide

From what you love so much.

Open your heart.

Give him a home.

Let him love you

In unspoken words.

Turning the Page...

When the world comes crashing over you,

How do you know what to do?

When your friends seem to go away,

How long will you wait?

Do you give up?Do you give in?...

Give it all to love or hate?

And if you don't, do you keep on trying?

When is the trying done?...

When is it time to turn the page?

Lend him your hand, lend him an ear,

Lend him your shoulder,

Let him tell you his deepest fear.

Help him up when he is down;

Pick him up and who knows if he'll come 'round.

Do you give up? do you give in?

Give it all to love or hate?...

And if you don't, do you keep on trying?

When is the trying done?...

When is it time to turn the page?

When the world comes crashing over you,

Hold me like you'll never let go;

And I'll be holding my breath

Till you let me know

When the trying is done

And when it's time to turn the page.

Do you give up? Do you give in?...

And if you don't, do you keep on trying?

When is the trying done?...

The trying will never be done...

Peace of Mind

I'll never lose my soul

To save that of your own.

That life that you were building,

Will live on in your children.

It's sad that you choose not to know them.;

But that won't keep me from being my own person.

I thought what we had was finally golden...

Yet I look and all I see is it's still broken.

I wish you saw me from within,

But all you choose to see is my sin.

I can't give up who I am

Just to be who you think I am

Or even who you think I should be.

It wouldn't be me.

It lives on, but you choose not to see

Any of us three.

I won't feel bad;

I'm not in the wrong...

I can't feel sad,

For following my heart's song.

You make me feel like I am caught...

Like you'll love me for pretending to be who I am not.

That's not something I can do...

Change my life just for you.

You weren't there before,

But now you choose to ignore.

I'll live on with peace of mind,

Knowing that I found what I came to find.

Home

I should be sleeping,

But instead, I'm up pacing.

My mind keeps racing

With thoughts of you.

You're like the drug-

The all time high.

I gave you my all;

My eyes won't lie.

Days go by...

And still, I think of you.

Do I drift away to the unknown?

Or do I stay here alone?

Anywhere I roam,

My thoughts race to you...

And so I call it home.

I Remember

I remember ~ when we first met.

I remember ~ how you stole every chance you'd get.

I remember ~ how it felt

When you told me you loved me.

I remember ~ how you made me melt

And brought me to my knees.

I remember ~ the look in your eyes

When I told you,"I love you."

I remember ~ that great big smile

When I told you we weren't through.

I remember ~ when you said I'd someday be your wife.

I remember ~ how it brought me to life.

I remember ~ the pain we both went through.

I remember ~ when I let go of you.

I remember ~ being scared to death.

I remember ~ not being able to catch my breath.

I remember ~ letting you go.

I remember ~ that well paved path of destruction I sowed.

I remember ~ the few bitter years apart.

I remember ~ not being able to make a new start.

I remember ~ the fear in my heart

When I told you I never forgot.

I though I had lost everything

For which I had fought.

I remember ~ feeling regret.

I remember ~ feeling pain.

I remember ~ thinking I lost you all over again.

I remember ~ everything that came after.

I remember ~ how there was no more laughter.

I remember ~ giving up ~ thinking it was the end.

I remember ~ that call that began to mend.

I remember ~ how you said nothing compared.

I remember ~ you saying you never forgot what we shared.

I remember ~ the fear that crept in.

I remember ~ thinking : do I give up or do I give in?

I remember ~ trusting in that love

That was so pure and true.

I remember ~ nothing could make me forget.

And no matter what happens,

I could never regret.

You gave me a second chance ~

Helped me remember

What I already knew.

And that love we share

Can never be taken

From me or you.

So as we have let things rest,

Who knows what is to come.

The only thing I am sure of

Is you are my one true love.

So with these words

I am saying goodbye ~ letting you go.

I have to love you enough to let you go.

But know this ~

You are in my heart forever.

I will love you for always.

As long as I'm breathing,

You know where I'll be.

God has a plan for us all

And He will never let me fall.

If it's meant to be,

It will happen.

If not ~

Has yet to be seen.

I know in my heart of hearts

He will guide me.

I remember! ~

Don't ever forget!

Everything

The heart breaks what it doesn't bend.

In order to be forgiven,

We must first believe in sin.

Nothing can compare

To the time we've shared.

Love is like a flame;

There is nothing it can't tame.

Love heals everything.

There's no exception to that rule.

Just give it a chance

And you'll see it's true.

You'll see that

You still mean everything to me.

Empty

Why am I forsaken???

Why do I feel void???

I can't shake this feeling,

No matter how hard I've tried.

My heart's been breakin',

My mind is weak...

My heart's been taken...

All I do is sink.

Fighting is overrated;

Love is always graded...

I have become ... Empty.

Behind the Mask

It's impossible for me to show

How much you mean to me.

Will you ever really know

That without you, I cease to be?

Behind the mask,

There's nothing but fear.

I have to ask,

Will you wash away my tears?

When I look in your eyes,

I see strength and love;

And it makes me realize,

My heart was given me from above.

Not a day goes by

That you're not on my mind.

And maybe, if you try,

You just might find,

After all this time,

My heart is still yours.

Behind the mask,

There's nothing but fear.

I have to ask...

Will you wash away my tears?

This time

When you want me,

You know exactly where I'll be.

Take a bus, hitch a ride;

No matter to me; you have to decide.

I'm not indifferent, it's not that I don't care.

I just know I have to stay here.

I know what I want, I know what I need.

It's not for me to keep falling to my knees.

I won't chase after you. It's not my style.

You need to think about what you want for a while.

I'll give you time; I'll give you space;

But as for me, I know my place.

I will stay here. I will wait

To see if it really is fate.

I may sound harsh, I may sound cold...

All I want is to break the mold.

I don't mind doing for others, as you can see;

But this time around, I'm looking out for me.

I'm not giving up, just moving on...

Giving myself a chance to belong.

I've done for others, what they wanted me to;

And that, of course, included you.

Now it's time to do for me.

I'm on a path that I choose to be.

It's a good path that I choose

And the end of it, I will not lose.

I will stay focused, you will see,

As I explore a newer side of me.