Growth

Miya and Xander, you two are the most amazing little beings I am blessed with having in my life! You never fail to teach me new things... about myself, about mothering, about life, about appreciating the little things, about your intuition. :) Today, Xander, you were just coming out of your own. Your feisty side is showing more & more. You are starting more & more to get Miya back for the little things she used to do to you. Last night, I had to laugh. Miya was passed out cold & Elise & I were talking on the couch & you went right over to Miya & picked her up & rolled her right on top of you, then pushed her off. She slept through the entire incident.Then, Elise came by while I was laying you down & you sat right up and began mimicking her. I saw your head bobbling back and forth. I asked her what you were doing. She said nothing and then you chime in saying nothing. You pitch such a fit because you don't want to wear a diaper, but you want to put Miya's underwear on you. Then I do & you are such a happy little clam.
And Miya, you are just thriving! You wake up my beautiful sunshiny girl chatting away about Xander sleeping & Elise sleeping & saying "UP!". Lately, your new thing is saying you are scared & that a dog was biting you. You always ask me for sauce whenever you get hurt. Your vocabulary has improved tremendously! You are so clear when you speak about trains & Xander & cars/ trucks, about videos & Beedo's & Carley & Brennan & driving & giving your baby num nums. This week, with me being sick, you were such a sweet & caring girl. giving mama snugglies & snuggles & kisses. & my little determined girl, you try so hard to divert attention when you do things you know you shouldn't. It makes me laugh that you are so intuitive about things. I have a feeling you are definitely going to be your own person & that no one will ever walk all over you. You hold your own against people two & three times your size. You don't back down. & you already are good at persuading people to do things. :) Your latest thing isn't to directly ask for anything, but you suggest it & then say "K". For instance, You will say coffee when you see me drinking it. I say yes, it's mama's coffee. You say it a few more times until I ask if you would like a drink, then you say "K". It's almost as if you want it to be my idea.

You have both taught me so much about myself & it constantly amazes me. Essentially, you saved me from myself. You saved me from who I was becoming. You saved me by making me want to be a better person & by making me more aware than I had ever been of the person that I should strive to be & of returning to practicing my Faith.You gave me a different perspective on my own parents & parental influences in my life. Because of you, I was able to face so many of my fears. Let me explain a little.

My greatest wish in life for quite some time has been to have a family of my own. I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself filled with love & joy. When the reality happened & I found myself pregnant with you, Miya, I became terrified of having a child. I began to think that I had nothing to offer a child & that how would I have that healthy family I had always longed for... the family like the Blackburns, or the Counts', when I didn't have that myself. The thought of bringing such a pure & innocent soul into this world without being able to protect it from the dysfunction literally paralyzed me. Deva reminded me that, as a woman, we were made to bring children into this world and that as a child, you know what you need to do to grow & thrive. I just had to protect you & be conscious of you & let you do your thing. Never, in my wildest dreams could I ever have imagined how incredible the experience would be.

Although I began this months ago, I know there is always growth to be made and change to take place if we are to better ourselves. I learn more and more how impressionable you two are and how much you two soak in.

Lately, you've taught me how precious my time with you is. You are just growing and growing. Time stands still for no one & I don't want to miss any of it.

More than anything, you have taught me to pray... to pray for wisdom to discern the will of God in all things.

You've taught me that I will fight to give you the best life I possibly can. You've taught me to keep going, even when I don't think I can.

Xander, you are a spitfire of a little man. You are my happy go lucky boy, aways into everything! You are always wanting to know what's going on, just like your sister. Grandma can't tell the difference between you & Miya. You speak quite well. Just like Miya, you are a monkey. You are a lover & a brute. You love to sance & sing. & it warms my heart to see. You have had to learn a few lessons on your own... like why mama tells you not to do things, like climb on the table. You leap for my arms... Your blind faith has taught me what it means to truly trust. To take that leap without fear. There's this unwaivering courage in those leaps of yours & that reminds me that I need to do the same, most especially when it comes to my Faith... be corageous & strong... research & pray & pray some more.  Pray for wisdom to discern which direction I need to go to lead us closer to God & the path He has intended for us.

Wounds, Scars, Healing, Hope

So, this past week has brought a great many emotions with it. I have come to realize that though we grow & change, the pain will remain. I recently had a day of recollection on my life... every aspect. Although I have taken control of my life back, those scars will always remain. What I realized in all my thoughts are that I am more grateful than I have ever been for my life & for second & third & fourth chances. As painful as some of the memories may have been, every single scar has shaped me into the person I am today. I still have much work to do. It's a never ending journey, but I am one step closer today than I was yesterday & that is what matters. I am a different person today because of the things that I experienced. I want better for myself & for my children because of those things. I can never regret that. So, to my past, I thank you for the lessons learned & the experience you have given me. To my future, may I continue to grow & learn from every experience I am encountered with along the way.

Ugly Truths

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."
I have been meaning to write about this all week, but, life got in the way. A little back ground for those not privy to this before now... I did suffer from suicidal depression. After an attempt, I thank God every day for His grace & mercy in giving me that choice to confess & to seek spiritual guidance. Although, I may not be an expert, I do have experience, not only just with my own situation, but with a few others as well. I have also been an active advocate for the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention. We all have a choice. That is what free will is about. Without it, I would not be here today.
With Robin Williams being in the spotlight, this week, I have read multiple articles & posts about his death/ suicide. There were a few articles, in particular, which I thought to be so very true, that I shared them on Facebook. Come to find out, people have been up in arms about the first article I posted. What takes me by surprise more than anything, is how many people who were bent out of shape, proclaim themselves to be Catholic/ Christian. Now, I say this to explain why I think the way I do. As a Catholic, we are taught & we should know that suicide is a sin. To despair is a sin. That being said, no one knows the final moments one committing this act experiences. No one can judge what their final thoughts are. That is between them & God. We can & should pray that they had a change of heart.
On a much greater scale, I find it sad that this happens at such a regular rate, yet no one takes notice until a celebrity is involved.
I believe what Matt was trying to convey when he was blogging was that there are all those who are still here... all those who are contemplating/ have contemplated suicide. We all have a choice. I believe his intent was to give hope & to let all those still here who may be contemplating suicide know that they do have a choice. To let them know that things can get better. Matt made another comment about depression & suicide being not just mental, but spiritual as well. I don't understand how anyone could not agree with that. A healthy mind will inspire a healthy body & soul. If you aren't nurturing your body properly, the mind can deteriorate. This is not a black & white subject. There are too many gray areas as everyone is a unique individual. It reminds me of a conversation where Marmee told Mike that he was like the retarded child... God would have mercy on his soul because he truly didn't know.
For those Christians saying that we don't have a choice, we always have a choice. That's what life is... it's about choices. That isn't to say that when one has a mental illness, that their choices aren't skewed. It is just showing that we are human & succumb to the temptations of the devil, who wants us to take our life. We are morally obligated to do everything in our power to prevent an evil from occurring. If we didn't have a choice, then what is this life for?

Now, a few stats for you from 2011... Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in America. That means that every 13.3 minutes, someone commits suicide. Is that not a horrific figure? To all those up in arms about Matt Walsh speaking the truth, to all those up in arms saying it was still fresh & he was pouring salt in the wound, there is no time but the present! Waiting to post the truths he did wouldn't have changed the outcome for Robin Williams. He is already gone. His family is already grieving. Not waiting could have potentially prevented someone else from becoming part of that alarming statistic.
I find that even among the Christians, we are losing the notion of an objective truth. We are giving way for the belief that everything is subjective & that how we feel about something is all that matters. There is truth & there is the lie. There is no in between when it comes to that fact. It's kind of like something else I encountered recently. I was recently on a Catholic dating site. It is alarming how many people think they are Catholic, yet reject the Churches teaching on premarital sex/ holy orders/etc... Truth is truth. It will never be subjective. If you don't believe in the churches' teaching about premarital sex, you aren't Catholic. That isn't to say that those who do believe haven't sinned. But, my sin, doesn't change the truth. It simply means I am human. Those who profess to be Catholic, yet reject Church teachings, are no different that Martin Luther or Henry VIII or Calvin, etc...
Now, I find it immensely hypocritical for all those who disagreed with the blog. They are speaking of compassion & saying not to judge, yet are spewing hate to those who have a conviction & stick by it & to those who have read, in it's entirety, Matt's blog. First off, if you aren't going to read the blog in its' entirety, then you have no leg to stand on. Second, don't just read the words, but understand the meaning & motive behind them. As Catholics, why are we fighting among ourselves about something we should all have the same belief on?

Answered Prayers

Life is one hell of a crazy ride. It is happy & sad, crazy & calm, & ever so beautiful in so very many ways. Evaluating the past few months alone, gives me much to reflect on. Looking at my life, I can't help but be amazed & feel ever so blessed. It blows my mind to think that there are people out there who think there is no God or that He is an awful being to allow so much bad in this world. In all my struggles in life, I have learned that we experience the bad to help us grow. We experience the bad to remind us that we aren't meant to spend our forever here on this earth. It is about how we perceive things. Attitude is everything & an attitude of gratitude goes much further than resentment or bitterness or anger. The only person you hurt when you harbor these negative emotions, is yourself. It will eat you alive. Negativity is all consuming & drains the life right out of you. Gratitude fills you up & the more grateful you are, the more blessed you become. In my life, I know this to be true.

This past few months have been a crazy ride. I have learned so much. I have grown so much. It is incredible to me to think what God has in store for me. I have mentioned many times how I feel that everything has a reason. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." There was a definite purpose for me being at Healing Foundations. I know I was guided there because I needed to experience PEMF therapy & all it has to offer. I needed to be there because I needed to grow as a massage practitioner. I learned more there than I ever did from any of the doctors I worked for. Stacey was a fountain of knowledge & for that, I will forever be grateful. On that note, I know & I trust God had a plan for me when I lost my job pulsing the way I did. Idaho tied up my license. I had to jump through tremendous hoops but it paid off & although I didn't get my pulsing job back, I did learn even more than I ever could have dreamed. I learned first hand what it's like to fight for what you believe in & what you're passionate about. I learned what it is to have complete faith in God's plan. Once I learned that lesson, I was granted my license. <3 p="">
Next, as anyone who knows me is aware, I am an introvert by nature. I am not shy, I just don't go out of my way to meet people. I observe more than I interact in the majority of situations. I believe things happen for a reason & when they happen, there is also a reason for that. Beth told me the other day that when she does things "out of character" she usually says her guardian angel nudged her. Well, there were a few instances where I think my guardian angel nudged me. First one is Catholic Match... It is so out of character & out of my comfort zone to do anything like that, however, maybe a month or two ago, I signed up. I would peruse the profiles & was disheartened by the lack of originality on most of the pages I viewed. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there were many good people, but none that stuck with me. The things that were important to them seemed to lack any thought of what is truly important. The standard questions asked were: What would your ideal first date be.... What would your dream vacation be...blah, blah, blah. I mean, where are the questions pertaining to the practice of the faith, the family, the meat & potatoes, so to speak?

Then, I happened upon a very unique profile. His questions gave me reason to pause. First question was about the women of the old testament & who I could most relate to/ who I most admired. The next was about wearing a veil. So, my guardian angel gave me a little nudge. I went out of my comfort zone... & we all know that if we aren't out of our comfort zone, we aren't growing... so, I took this gentleman's interview. &, since I was already growing, I figured I may as well grow some more. I took a few more, even though they weren't as eye catching as the first. I got a response to the interview questions. Now, here's where it gets funny & interesting. First thing, my response about the veil seemed to be the point of intrigue. :) Second thing, His name happens to be Michael. So far, he seems to be a man with much depth to him. I can't really explain it, but even before I heard back from him, I noticed there was a depth to him. & the interesting thing is, there wasn't a whole lot in the profile that was unusual. I can't put my finger on it, other than to say that, like Beth, I think my guardian angel was nudging me in his direction. I am embracing the experience of meeting a new friend who has similar views about more than just religion.

Then, Beth from St. Dominic's & church messaged me saying she was intrigued by all my posts & wanted to get together to know me a little better & understand my views on things. It was incredible getting to know her now, as opposed to when we were both at St. Dominic's.

As far as answered prayers, most of you already know I pray for good & holy influences in our lives daily. I also pray that if there are no good & holy influences, that we have no friends. With that being said, I have found that, again, everything happens for a reason & what may have been good yesterday, if it no longer serves that purpose of being a good & holy influence, I am finding that God is removing those things from my life. On the other hand, I am also finding that I am making some incredibly fascinating & exciting & like minded connections! May I always be open to accepting whatever or whoever it is that God puts in our path!

PRAY HARD, TRUST HARDER! Thy will be done, always!

The Minority

So, the topic at hand is the massacre happening in Gaza.

I know I happen to be among the minority who feels the way I do. I have seen multiple posts from a majority of my friends who are in total support of Israel. I have read articles from both sides & my thoughts are this.

History is never objective. It is always based on who is telling the story. For instance, if you read history from America's standpoint, you will always have a pro American take on things. If you read history from Germany or Russia, England or France, or the American Indians, for that matter, it will always be pro whatever country or race it is you are getting the story from. The only thing I can say is there will always be some fact mixed with the emotion behind the storyteller. I do my best to separate the fact from the emotion.

This war is nothing new. It has been going on for centuries & centuries. I believe it is about greed. I believe neither side is in the right. That being said, a friend put into words what I couldn't quite pinpoint. Hamas was elected. That puts it into a separate category than, say, ISIS/ Al-Sham. Although it is an elected government, no doubt, with definite problems & extremists, that makes it no different, in my opinion, from our very own president, or the president of any other country. You elect a douche, it's up to you to overthrow that government, not anyone else. Now, back on point, how can people not see the injustices occuring. There was a cease fire drawn up by Hamas that has been completely disregarded. This is about Israel feeling entitled to the land. It is about Israel claiming to be the superior/ chosen people. It's about valuing one human life above another. In my mind, even these claims can't justify the actions. For the so called "chosen", how can they disregard the law they supposedly follow? It's a matter of convenience. They pick and choose what suits their wants & desires. Putting aside the fact that Christ has come & He came & died for our sins to save all mankind, let's say the Jews are right & the Savior is yet to come. They still have the Old Testament to fall back on. Correct me if I'm wrong, but where in the hell is the desire to follow the 10 Commandments in all this???... especially when it comes to killing & coveting? In addition to that, aren't the Palestinians descendants of Abraham also? If memory serves me, Ishmael (Palestine) & Isaac (Israel) were brothers.

I also feel like we are not blameless in continuing this century old feud. Britain & France divided the lands, then, we also stepped in to help do more damage. Everyone is trying to get their piece of the pie in addition to policing how they choose to live.

I think that you are a believer or you're not. By this, I mean that there are those who claim a belief or religion & there are others who not only claim it, but live it. They don't selectively choose what they want to. I think that if you have all the facts & you disregard something, you are more at fault than if you don't know. I think God, in His justice & love, will have mercy on someone who truly doesn't know. However, if you are given the means, yet choose to ignore it, you have no excuse.

In the end, upon reflection, it seems to me that we are truly lost if all we can do is try to destroy each other. Right, wrong or indifferent, people are dying... women, children, elderly... someone's mother, father, brother, sister, daughter, son.... 

Lessons My Children & my Parents Teach Me

Miya & Xander, I want to begin by addressing you two... You will forever be my sunshine & my light & my life. I can't find the words to express how much I love you. =) Although I tell you both fairly often, I want to say it again. I thank you for picking me to me your Mama & I thank God for blessing me with 2 incredibly unique, intelligent healthy, & beautiful children. 

You teach me daily that I am full of faults, however, you also teach me that I am a fighter & that I will always strive to be the mama that you can both be proud of. I read somewhere recently that success is what/ how your children describe you or talk about you to others. It gave me much to ponder.

As misguided as she may have been in some areas, it was impressed upon me by recent events that my children need me more than I need to pulse. It was impressed upon me just how much I was missing out by not being with them during the day. It was impressed upon me even more than what is obvious, how quickly they learn & grow.

I am grateful that God is so good & blesses us by answering our daily prayers. I will explain. Nora once told me how she ended up with such amazing children. She told me her daily prayer is to surround her children & family with good & holy influences, &, if there are none, that they have no friends. This has become my daily prayer & I get little signs that validate my prayer on a regular basis. People come in our lives, in unexpected ways & later, I realize that I seem to have parted ways with others. I wholeheartedly believe there is a purpose for everyone who comes in & out of our lives. Everything is intentional. It may be to enrich it, it may be to teach us a lesson we may not have otherwise learned; It may be to teach us about who we are as an individual, or it may be for us to learn how truly strong we can be.

There is a quote I just ran across that says, "Parenthood... It's about guiding the next generation, and forgiving the last." It gave me so very much to ponder. Before my children, I could never truly relate to my mom. I assumed she was off her rocker & out of touch with reality. I blamed her for being a terrible parent who never truly took the time to understand or know me. She just always seemed to have these insanely unrealistic goals of who I should be without ever truly taking a look at who I was. I never felt I could live up to her goals. After I became pregnant with Miya, I had a completely different perspective on who my mom was. I understood that, although she may have been misguided in some areas, she really was not as horrible a parent as I thought she was. Yes, she may have not gotten to know me as a person, however, she did the very best she could. I could finally see that was what she wanted all along. She wanted for me to have an easier life. She wanted me to shine, the way God had always intended for me to. I understood that she was trying to save me from my own worst enemy, which happened to be myself. But, what she didn't account for, is the strong willed personality that I was born with. Likewise, my dad also taught me a great deal about parenting.  Very similarly, He taught me mostly about the ways not to be & the things not to do, but for that, I am grateful. I talk about all of this to explain that all the mistakes I have made with my mom, and all of the mistakes that my mom made in raising me, shaped me to be a better parent. All  the mistakes I made with my dad, & all the mistakes my dad has made with me, they all have shaped me into the continuously evolving person that I am, & I wouldn't have it any other way.

Pray Hard, Trust Harder Without Waivering

I always say I will be better about blogging again, however, life seems to get in the way. In any case, here I am. So much has happened since I was last on. My blog post about praying hard & trusting harder ties into so many things. First off, the saga of my massage license... Idaho passed a law mandating all massage therapists must be licensed to practice & it would be illegal as of July 1, 2014 if we weren't. I submitted all my paperwork at the very beginning of May. The board left me in limbo not just once, but twice. People who don't know me well would tell me God was trying to teach me patience, however, my take on that is a bit different. I believe that of all the virtues, patience is not one I lack. Believe me, I lack many, however, anyone who knows my past, can vouch that I have more patience than most. I think God was trying to teach me the difference between having faith & trying to steer the ship. I have always felt like God helps those who help themselves but I sometimes take it a bit to far & try to control everything. So, the moral I gleaned from this story is that true faith requires giving it over, entirely to God. So, Idaho left me in limbo until after the 1st & because of this little tidbit, I lost my job as a pulse therapist. I have had much time to spend with my babies & reevaluate which direction I should go from here. I was completely overwhelmed by all the support I received by so many unlikely sources. In a nutshell, many of my clients stepped forward to support me in fighting for my license as a massage therapist. I was given advice on how to approach the situation. I was encouraged by friends, new & old to fight for what I believe in & what I am passionate about & what I should be doing. I contacted a lawyer who advised me to take it to the political forum. I did just that. I contacted Ron Mendive & am eternally grateful I did. When he heard my story of how I was supporting my children & myself without state assistance, he jumped right in to help me fight to get my license. The massage board approved my application to be grandfathered in for licensure. In the meantime, the lessons I gleaned from the experience were numerous. First off, I learned the difference between letting go & giving it to God, which is huge. Second, I learned that my children most definitely need more time with me than what I was providing to them previously. Third, I learned what I want my life to be like in the professional realm. Priorities should be faith, family & then job. What I was able to impart to my babes about the situation.... Everything happens for a reason & there is always a silver lining, as long as we continue to pray hard & trust harder. I was able to teach them how important it is to fight for the things we believe in & the things we are passionate about. For this, I am grateful.

Mother's Day...

"The word Mother has so many defining terms...

To me it is a very special reminder that it is a choice by a woman to unconditionally love and guide another being through the trials and tribulations of life. There is no match for the inspiration and power of a Mothers love!

I am extremely fortunate to be witness to many amazing women that have taken this selfless role and are the protector, the educator, the mentor, the healer, and the provider with absolutely nothing expected in return.
My wish is that today the Mothers I know find that it is an everyday gratitude for your role in your child/children's lives. There is no term or phase that can come close to describe a woman who chooses this role. I praise the women who accept this roll and applaud all that you do!
To Mom: I am grateful that I feel I am a reflection of your beautiful attributes, you chose to care for me, guide me and I am and will be forever grateful for it!
I Love You Mom, Happy Mothers Day!" ~ Johnny Trafecanty


Johnny Trafecanty is an old coach from when I ran for the Northridge Pacers. He definitely hit the nail on the head with the above. He described perfectly so many of the sentiments I had not put in to words yet. It embodies all mothers, blood & otherwise.


Today was such an amazing day for reflection. It brought me so very many different emotions. I spent much of my day thinking of all the moms who have impacted my life. This may take a while, however, I feel like it needs to be put into black & white.


First off, my mom... biological mom... Although we have not always seen eye to eye & although there were many instances (although, mostly my fault) we fought or argued or didn't communicate, I am not entirely sure I regret it, because, if we hadn't gone through all that rotten stuff, I am not sure I would appreciate all the good stuff now. You, in all your quirkiness, molded me & shaped me in so many ways. As a mom, I now have an appreciation for the things I didn't always understand before. & although there are many things I still may not agree on, I can appreciate where you come from & I can also be grateful that there are many things you taught me of what I didn't want to do as a parent. Your dedication to getting Rick, James & myself the best of the best when it came to education, sports, & even the every day necessities is incredible. & even to this day, although we are grown & parents of our own, you still step in to rescue the day when you can. As a grandmother, Miya & Xander are not lacking in anything. =) For all of this I am grateful. Your perseverance is admirable & I can truly appreciate it now. Your ability to not allow others thoughts or emotions to affect you is incredible.


Chris... although we met later in life, you were placed in my life when I needed a strong woman who would tell me like it was but still show me love. Even with our rocky start, it makes our relationship that much more special. You came along when my relationship with my mom was at it's worst. You came along when my dad's relationship with me was so very new. Loving me & treating me as your own, unconditionally, has forever cemented the bond we have that I so dearly needed at that time in my life. Your experience & wisdom helped me overcome my horrible lack of self esteem/ self confidence & self loathing.You helped give me a new perspective of myself. You knew what I needed without me having to say/ ask... & sometimes, even before I knew. You were always that one unbiased, non judgmental person I could go to about anything & everything.


Mrs. Angele... how many weekends & holidays did I spend with you???? more than I could ever count. I feel as though I've always been an extension of your family. You jumped right in & treated me like one of your children, right down to making me birthday cakes without me asking.


Mrs. Angele Sr.... Although I didn't know until you had already passed on, you stuck up to my mom about how she had no idea who I really was. I always thought you disliked me & then, you take me by surprise, with the news of you defending me.


Mama.... though the paperwork was never finalized, I will always feel as though you are my mom... the mom who raised & reared me, the mom who loved me & taught me what it was like to be part of a family. You intervened with Poppy for us, you taught me how to cook, you played mediator between Shilo & I. You showed me that a mom can also be a friend. You showed me support & love & fought for me, like a mother would fight for their child.


Marmee.... you are the example of self sacrifice. you mother so many, above & beyond your 10. Reconnecting with you & renting a room from you was a blessing for Miya & I. You put everyone else before yourself. You offered wisdom on many different subjects. You tell it like you see it & you have a pretty good sense of humor. =) Miya has always responded to you in such a unique way.


Erin.... I thank God every day that Jacinta "introduced" us.You are the very essence of the things I believe & feel when it comes to mothering & family & friendship & the whole nine yards. My life became richer & fuller when we connected & you have become one of my very best of friends & mentors. You inspire me to do better & be better, for myself & my babes. Your patience, understanding, generosity, charity towards others, is something to be admired & respected. Even when you have a full plate, you still are willing to lend a hand. Your beautiful children are a reflection of the amazing person you are.