Tuesday, January 29, 2013
New Lessons, New Techniques
Alright, so today was the first day I have given a massage since I received my massage & first lesson from Monica. I really tried to focus on the things I felt & the things Monica was describing to me while she was working on me. It was a completely different experience. I tried to picture the things she described to me, like sinking into the layers of muscle & just letting it take me where it needed to go. My first attempt was very interesting. I felt myself sink a little deeper, but not nearly like what I felt when Monica was working on me. The most fascinating part was after the sinking feeling, it felt like the tissues just turned to like a jelly/ jello substance & then, without trying, I could feel & see my hands just moving & there was this feeling that I am not too sure how to describe. It felt almost like static/ like a small electric current or something of that nature.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Love...
Alright, I've been thinking a lot about this lately as the conversation has come up several times for me with multiple different people. I just want to say that I detest hearing people say things like "you complete me" or "he/she is my other half". I truly feel that one must be a whole person on their own & that they should look for or find the person who compliments or enhances their life, but not the one who "completes" them. One should find their own self worth & value & they should love themselves. I mean, aren't we all created in Hos image & likeness? Therefore, we were created complete.
Similar to the law of the mirror, the way you view yourself is the way others will view you. When one party is dependent on another, there is an element that can make the relationship a drain. It makes the relationship difficult because it should be growing & evolving as both parties evolve, however, if one is co dependent, it makes it very difficult to grow in an upward or forward movement. It's almost like running on an escalator against the grain. There can be progress made, however, it will be very slow progress. One can only get so far on borrowed belief. Don't get me wrong, borrowed belief can be a blessing in disguise, however, at some point, you have to stop relying on others to find your self worth & you have to find it yourself.
You know, for the very first time in my life, when Mike & I reconnected, I truly could say that I was a whole/ complete person. I could say that I didn't need someone else to validate that I was a good person or to fulfill me. I had found my own self worth & I knew who I was & I was a complete person on my own. In fact, I told Mike I was completely happy on my own, but that I wanted him in my life because he added to it. I wanted him in my life not because I NEEDED him, but because I wanted him there. I still feel that was the very best description I could have ever given of it. & I truly meant every word. & I still feel that way to this day.
Another thing I believe is very true about love... It gets confused with many other emotions. By this I mean that I believe true & genuine love is completely selfless & only wants the absolute best for the one you love. I think it is very true that you can love someone but not be with them. I think sometimes, the ultimate sacrifice of love is letting someone go. The saying " you have to love them enough to let them go" is so very true. If you truly love them & recognize that they might be better off without you, the unconditional & selfless act would be to let them go.
None of this means it is always the easiest thing to see or even follow through on, & it's obviously not gospel, just my own thoughts, of course. With my own current situation, I can attest to the fact that I do feel this accurately describes things for me.
Do I love Mike? Absolutely. He is a good man with a good heart. Why did we end up here? Everyone comes with baggage & we all need to find our own way through it. No one can find your happiness for you & I think that based on past experiences & hurts, some things cut so deep, they take a while to get over. They cause insecurities & you work through them in your own time. & again, depending on how much hurt & pain & how deep the scars, they can take quite a bit of time. In my own life & from my own experiences, I can say I had deep seeded insecurities & feelings of complete worthlessness. My father wasn't in my life for as long as I could remember, I always felt I was never good enough for my mom, I had 'friends' who I later found out, only liked me for who I was related to, etc.. etc.. I threw myself into a spiral of bad choices based on how I felt about myself. I was in a fairly healthy relationship with my high school sweetheart & I sabotaged my own happiness thinking it wouldn't last. I then chose relationships based on how I felt about myself & what I thought I deserved. I was nearly 20 before I realized that I had to be happy with me first & that I had to be able to look my own self in the mirror. There were 2 defining moments that woke me up to this realization. The first was that I read a poem in the paper that had been published on my birthday. It is called 'The Man In The Mirror". The second was reading Leo Buscaglia's book titled "Love". They both made me aware of things I had never thought about. I had been looking to others to fill a void that only I could fill. I learned that you can only love to the capacity that you know, so if you stop learning & experiencing things in life, you stop growth of love, of your own progress, of everything. I made the choice that I never wanted this to happen. & I have lived by that truth since.
As for Mike, I love him very deeply, but I realized a few things. First, is that his insecurities lead him to self sabotage his own happiness in many ways. Second, until he can make peace with himself & his own life, I don't think he will ever be truly happy & at peace. He desperately wants it, but can't seem to allow himself to get there.
With Mike, he doesn't see that I never wanted him to give up any of his goals & dreams & I would have stuck by him while he pursued them. In fact, the more I get to know him, the more I see that he needs to pursue them. He won't be happy until he has accomplished at least something from start to finish. He needs that desperately. & as far as everything goes, he sabotages himself & cant even see it.
Similar to the law of the mirror, the way you view yourself is the way others will view you. When one party is dependent on another, there is an element that can make the relationship a drain. It makes the relationship difficult because it should be growing & evolving as both parties evolve, however, if one is co dependent, it makes it very difficult to grow in an upward or forward movement. It's almost like running on an escalator against the grain. There can be progress made, however, it will be very slow progress. One can only get so far on borrowed belief. Don't get me wrong, borrowed belief can be a blessing in disguise, however, at some point, you have to stop relying on others to find your self worth & you have to find it yourself.
You know, for the very first time in my life, when Mike & I reconnected, I truly could say that I was a whole/ complete person. I could say that I didn't need someone else to validate that I was a good person or to fulfill me. I had found my own self worth & I knew who I was & I was a complete person on my own. In fact, I told Mike I was completely happy on my own, but that I wanted him in my life because he added to it. I wanted him in my life not because I NEEDED him, but because I wanted him there. I still feel that was the very best description I could have ever given of it. & I truly meant every word. & I still feel that way to this day.
Another thing I believe is very true about love... It gets confused with many other emotions. By this I mean that I believe true & genuine love is completely selfless & only wants the absolute best for the one you love. I think it is very true that you can love someone but not be with them. I think sometimes, the ultimate sacrifice of love is letting someone go. The saying " you have to love them enough to let them go" is so very true. If you truly love them & recognize that they might be better off without you, the unconditional & selfless act would be to let them go.
None of this means it is always the easiest thing to see or even follow through on, & it's obviously not gospel, just my own thoughts, of course. With my own current situation, I can attest to the fact that I do feel this accurately describes things for me.
Do I love Mike? Absolutely. He is a good man with a good heart. Why did we end up here? Everyone comes with baggage & we all need to find our own way through it. No one can find your happiness for you & I think that based on past experiences & hurts, some things cut so deep, they take a while to get over. They cause insecurities & you work through them in your own time. & again, depending on how much hurt & pain & how deep the scars, they can take quite a bit of time. In my own life & from my own experiences, I can say I had deep seeded insecurities & feelings of complete worthlessness. My father wasn't in my life for as long as I could remember, I always felt I was never good enough for my mom, I had 'friends' who I later found out, only liked me for who I was related to, etc.. etc.. I threw myself into a spiral of bad choices based on how I felt about myself. I was in a fairly healthy relationship with my high school sweetheart & I sabotaged my own happiness thinking it wouldn't last. I then chose relationships based on how I felt about myself & what I thought I deserved. I was nearly 20 before I realized that I had to be happy with me first & that I had to be able to look my own self in the mirror. There were 2 defining moments that woke me up to this realization. The first was that I read a poem in the paper that had been published on my birthday. It is called 'The Man In The Mirror". The second was reading Leo Buscaglia's book titled "Love". They both made me aware of things I had never thought about. I had been looking to others to fill a void that only I could fill. I learned that you can only love to the capacity that you know, so if you stop learning & experiencing things in life, you stop growth of love, of your own progress, of everything. I made the choice that I never wanted this to happen. & I have lived by that truth since.
As for Mike, I love him very deeply, but I realized a few things. First, is that his insecurities lead him to self sabotage his own happiness in many ways. Second, until he can make peace with himself & his own life, I don't think he will ever be truly happy & at peace. He desperately wants it, but can't seem to allow himself to get there.
With Mike, he doesn't see that I never wanted him to give up any of his goals & dreams & I would have stuck by him while he pursued them. In fact, the more I get to know him, the more I see that he needs to pursue them. He won't be happy until he has accomplished at least something from start to finish. He needs that desperately. & as far as everything goes, he sabotages himself & cant even see it.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Gratitude Journal, Yet Again
So, I have good news about the job with Stacey. I stopped by to touch bases with her yesterday & she just raved about the massage she received from me & was very excited that I want to work there & that I will potentially be learning other modalities of massage as well. Another step in the right direction.
I had a very interesting conversation about my current situation with Theresa, who has surprised me, in a good way. She has made me see a few things in a different light. She said something she has learned about me in the past months that she has been able to get to know me, is I have an inner strength. She also said she has seen me flourish in many aspects & areas of my life. The thing that most stuck with me.... she said everything happens for a reason, which, for anyone who knows me, knows that I am a firm believer that nothing happens by accident & no one comes into our lives by accident either. She said what she sees is that maybe the other day when I was beating myself up about not feeling like I have anything to celebrate, other than my daughter, & Xander, is not true, but that maybe me not having the successful clientele & business & home, etc... our stability has less to do with my efforts & more to do with the timing. She feels that maybe God has been waiting to reward my efforts because if he gave those things to me right away, I probably would have been more inclined to continue being Mike's crutch & might have continued to provide for him & do everything for him like I have been all along. It was a perspective I had not considered before. I must say, I think I agree with her. Since then, things have been happening... little blessings... God's little miracles within my life.
Aside from practicing out of Healing Foundations with Stacey & being trained by her, I had an incredible first encounter with the wonderful Ms. Monica Perrier. How we met?... I attended the Health & Wellness Event held here in CDA about a week & a half ago. I was unfortunately unable to connect with her at the actual event, however, I left my business card in her raffle tub for the massage & I called her a day or two later after seeing that she mentors therapists & that she specializes in Myofascial Release Trigger Point Therapy. I contacted her to see if she would be willing to trade her knowledge & skills for massages. After meeting with her today, she said she would be more than happy to do so & that she definitely feels like I can gain some insight into being more in tune with the energies & each persons unique bodies & what they are telling me. Although I did not get a chance to work on her yet, I really feel like I can learn a great deal from her & I am super excited about it.
She also may have a contact for me in regards to a friend of hers who practices Reiki & who may be willing to do professional trades as well!
to contemplate & be grateful for all the little mysteries God lays in our paths! <3 p="">
I had a very interesting conversation about my current situation with Theresa, who has surprised me, in a good way. She has made me see a few things in a different light. She said something she has learned about me in the past months that she has been able to get to know me, is I have an inner strength. She also said she has seen me flourish in many aspects & areas of my life. The thing that most stuck with me.... she said everything happens for a reason, which, for anyone who knows me, knows that I am a firm believer that nothing happens by accident & no one comes into our lives by accident either. She said what she sees is that maybe the other day when I was beating myself up about not feeling like I have anything to celebrate, other than my daughter, & Xander, is not true, but that maybe me not having the successful clientele & business & home, etc... our stability has less to do with my efforts & more to do with the timing. She feels that maybe God has been waiting to reward my efforts because if he gave those things to me right away, I probably would have been more inclined to continue being Mike's crutch & might have continued to provide for him & do everything for him like I have been all along. It was a perspective I had not considered before. I must say, I think I agree with her. Since then, things have been happening... little blessings... God's little miracles within my life.
Aside from practicing out of Healing Foundations with Stacey & being trained by her, I had an incredible first encounter with the wonderful Ms. Monica Perrier. How we met?... I attended the Health & Wellness Event held here in CDA about a week & a half ago. I was unfortunately unable to connect with her at the actual event, however, I left my business card in her raffle tub for the massage & I called her a day or two later after seeing that she mentors therapists & that she specializes in Myofascial Release Trigger Point Therapy. I contacted her to see if she would be willing to trade her knowledge & skills for massages. After meeting with her today, she said she would be more than happy to do so & that she definitely feels like I can gain some insight into being more in tune with the energies & each persons unique bodies & what they are telling me. Although I did not get a chance to work on her yet, I really feel like I can learn a great deal from her & I am super excited about it.
She also may have a contact for me in regards to a friend of hers who practices Reiki & who may be willing to do professional trades as well!
to contemplate & be grateful for all the little mysteries God lays in our paths! <3 p="">
Friday, January 18, 2013
Gratitude Journal, The Never Ending Saga...
As I was reminded today, tomorrow will be my birthday. It doesn't really feel any different than any other day. In fact, I really don't feel I have much to celebrate. Once I accomplish something, then we can talk, however, until then, I just feel like it is another day & I need to keep plugging away until I get us to where we need to be. I am on a mission & will not stop until I have reached the destination.
As for my gratitude journal, I am grateful for possibilities! I got a call back from a massage therapist who as at the health & wellness fair. She is a born mentor & is interested in professional trades for some mentoring. I meet with her next Friday & am super excited! I am grateful for the potential of being able to learn trigger point & myofascial release. I am grateful to Bruce for teaching me reflexology. I am grateful for the possibility & potential of being able to maybe train with Stacey & learn how to do electro magnetic pulse therapy.
As for my gratitude journal, I am grateful for possibilities! I got a call back from a massage therapist who as at the health & wellness fair. She is a born mentor & is interested in professional trades for some mentoring. I meet with her next Friday & am super excited! I am grateful for the potential of being able to learn trigger point & myofascial release. I am grateful to Bruce for teaching me reflexology. I am grateful for the possibility & potential of being able to maybe train with Stacey & learn how to do electro magnetic pulse therapy.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
2013
2013... Already!!! Miya is nearly 10 months old! I would like to take a little time for some reflection on 2012 before I get into 2013. 2012 has afforded me some incredible life long learning experiences & some of the biggest changes & blessings of my entire life! First of all, Miya Soleil Lee, you are my all time biggest blessing & I am overwhelmed with the thought of why you picked me to be your mama. You are such an amazing baby girl in oh so many ways & you never cease to amaze & surprise me. You teach me more & more about life & love & myself every single day & I thank God for you & thank you for picking me to be your mama. <3 p="p">Other experiences last year... Besides having a baby, moving back to Idaho was a huge change. It afforded me the opportunity to be close to loved ones & to the mass & sacraments & it provided me the opportunity to meet Fr. Kemna, who is an incredible priest with so much insight in so many areas of my life. I have been set on a good path in regards to the example I have always hoped to set for my children spiritually.
We have been homeless for about a week and a half. We have lived in an office. We were taken in by one of the best families I have been blessed to know & one of my dearest friends.
I was given the opportunity to practice one of my passions, which, in turn, provides me with the opportunity to spend as much time with my daughter as possible. I am practicing my massage therapy & although building up clientele hasn't happened overnight, I am hopeful, as I have gotten excellent feedback from other therapists & also clients. It is providing me with the chance to get to meet new people as well.
I was introduced to an all around warm & giving, caring & compassionate person by the name of Erin Miller. She blessed us by giving us the opportunity to join her mastermind group, which is all about self development & growth.
Of 2012, those are the biggest changes. As for 2013, another little one is on the way. Xander Joseph. May 2 is the due date. It wasn't planned, but, nonetheless, I am just as thrilled. This baby boy is going to be just as strong & resilient as his beautiful sister is. These 2 bundles have given me more inspiration & motivation than anything else. Of course, for those who do know our story, you are aware of our situation & know that we have been trying to rebuild our life from the ground up, literally. I am rereading our John Maxwell book from leadership class & have taken even more from it this time around. My goal, & I put it down here, pen to paper, so to speak, in order to hold myself accountable & to get where we need to be. My goal is to be in our own place by mid February. I want for Miya & myself to be settled & have that stability & get back to our routine, so that by the time Xander makes his appearance into this crazy world of ours, we will have a life both my children deserve. Some of the stepping stones I will use to accomplish these goals have to do with expanding my social circle... also part of self growth. I am officially part of the Post Falls Women In Business Group. It is a group dedicated to promoting each others businesses by word of mouth & also by advertising & such. Also, Erin introduced me to an incredible woman by the name of Stacey Stone, who does what is called electro magnetic pulse therapy. She is interested in getting a massage therapist in her office & also looking for one to train to do the electro magnetic pulse therapy. Now, those of you who know me, are fully aware that I am hugely interested in learning. I love to learn. I want to go back to school to learn how to do trigger point & cranio sacral work, also reflexology & la stone & so many more techniques. Learning to do electro magnetic pulse therapy is just another tool to lock away under my belt & I would be so grateful for the experience to learn & make myself more invaluable to myself & others. My plan would be to keep working where I am at, but to set specific days where I will be at both places. Then, I don't lose the clientele I have & I can still be available to the clients Dr. H refers to me. I can also grow my business & clientele by making myself available at a different location & in a different office. It can truly only get better from the way I see it.
We have been homeless for about a week and a half. We have lived in an office. We were taken in by one of the best families I have been blessed to know & one of my dearest friends.
I was given the opportunity to practice one of my passions, which, in turn, provides me with the opportunity to spend as much time with my daughter as possible. I am practicing my massage therapy & although building up clientele hasn't happened overnight, I am hopeful, as I have gotten excellent feedback from other therapists & also clients. It is providing me with the chance to get to meet new people as well.
I was introduced to an all around warm & giving, caring & compassionate person by the name of Erin Miller. She blessed us by giving us the opportunity to join her mastermind group, which is all about self development & growth.
Of 2012, those are the biggest changes. As for 2013, another little one is on the way. Xander Joseph. May 2 is the due date. It wasn't planned, but, nonetheless, I am just as thrilled. This baby boy is going to be just as strong & resilient as his beautiful sister is. These 2 bundles have given me more inspiration & motivation than anything else. Of course, for those who do know our story, you are aware of our situation & know that we have been trying to rebuild our life from the ground up, literally. I am rereading our John Maxwell book from leadership class & have taken even more from it this time around. My goal, & I put it down here, pen to paper, so to speak, in order to hold myself accountable & to get where we need to be. My goal is to be in our own place by mid February. I want for Miya & myself to be settled & have that stability & get back to our routine, so that by the time Xander makes his appearance into this crazy world of ours, we will have a life both my children deserve. Some of the stepping stones I will use to accomplish these goals have to do with expanding my social circle... also part of self growth. I am officially part of the Post Falls Women In Business Group. It is a group dedicated to promoting each others businesses by word of mouth & also by advertising & such. Also, Erin introduced me to an incredible woman by the name of Stacey Stone, who does what is called electro magnetic pulse therapy. She is interested in getting a massage therapist in her office & also looking for one to train to do the electro magnetic pulse therapy. Now, those of you who know me, are fully aware that I am hugely interested in learning. I love to learn. I want to go back to school to learn how to do trigger point & cranio sacral work, also reflexology & la stone & so many more techniques. Learning to do electro magnetic pulse therapy is just another tool to lock away under my belt & I would be so grateful for the experience to learn & make myself more invaluable to myself & others. My plan would be to keep working where I am at, but to set specific days where I will be at both places. Then, I don't lose the clientele I have & I can still be available to the clients Dr. H refers to me. I can also grow my business & clientele by making myself available at a different location & in a different office. It can truly only get better from the way I see it.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
A Walk In Another's Shoes
Today, I have a different perspective on oh so many things. First off, before I go into detail about walking in someone else's shoes, I want to begin by expressing that I was truly flattered by an incredible compliment I was paid. I was told that I was an incredible mother & this gentleman wished that he could bring all the mom's he deals with around me to learn a thing or two. This gentleman is a lawyer who works for family rights & deals on a regular basis with children whose families are littered with drug/ alcohol abuse, etc... He helps determine if the parents are fit, etc... & he has been doing this for years. That was truly such an amazing compliment.
On to the original topic of conversation, I don't even know where to begin. Papa & I have been talking & this entire situation just has me so... don't even have the words. I am hopeful on one hand & scared on the other. I am unsure in some areas & confident in others.
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