Gratitude Journal, Continued...

Alright, so it may have been a while since I've blogged, however, I am going to make it a point to take time each & every day to do it. today, the reason is that I have so much i want to get out & here seems to be the appropriate place for me to do such a thing...

Out of complete chaos, comes some incredible lessons & even more incredible miracles. Dear God, although I haven't been on here too terribly much, I have to just say that there are truly no words for what I feel I need to express. Every day, when we say our prayers, we always have so much to be grateful for, yet I feel compelled more than usual to put what I can in words. When you have noting, you learn how truly blessed & fortunate you are. I have learned what is most important to me in life from our current circumstances. There is nothing more important to me than my loved ones & my faith. 

As for my continuous gratitude journal, yesterday, Linda & Fred informed me that they are giving us their old mini van. They bought a new vehicle & are passing their van on to us. So, for my next gratitude post...

I am so very grateful for our newish friends, Fred & Linda. They were brought into our lives at a time of struggle & without hesitation, not only offered to help a family, who was nothing more than a passing acquaintance, if even, but they have helped us by providing us with reliable transportation, with some food, with some money & even some clothes for Miya. They helped us without accepting anything in return. & they are continuing to do so, by giving us a mini van. I have no words to express how much of a blessing this is & how grateful & appreciative I am that I took the bold step that day to simply ask Linda for directions. More proof that everyone we meet has a purpose. they remind me of why I do the thing I do, when I am in a more stable position. & even not being financially stable, why I still help in any way I can, whether it is time, or services, etc... Someone always has it worse than you think you do & it is no one's place to judge.

Carrie Blake... although I have not met her yet, she is my gratitude journal entry for today. Without even knowing me, she has offered to help me & my family in a way that I will be forever grateful to her for.. someday, I will be able to pay it forward in a huge way! <3 font="font">

My heart is so full for so many different reasons. However, to quit getting distracted from the original topic of this post, GRATITUDE!!!!

I am grateful to my mom, who has surprised me with how thoughtful she is about Miya. She definitely looks out for her grand daughter's education.

Erin, who gave me the huge opportunity to meet Erin & join the leadership group which has helped set me on the path I will use for my success in all aspects of my life & with all people.... God, family, friends, business acquaintances, etc... personal growth is HUGE!!!!

Stacey... I am so glad we met!!! I immediately liked you from the first time we spoke & I am eager about the potential learning & growing possibilities that may be provided to me professionally & personally.

Grandma & Grandpa Kren... I have no words for the love & support you have shown us, in all regards. It really has got us through some rough stuff. <3 font="font">

Xander Joseph. You are going to be like a certain little miss I know. You'll be here before we know it & just like Missy Moo, you have already been through quite a bit. I wonder what you are going to be like & there's one thing of which I am certain... like your sister, you are going to be resilient & smart, & for that I am beyond grateful!

I am blessed & fortunate I get to spend time with my baby girl & see her grow up to be such an incredible little personality.

The fact I get to do a job I enjoy & am passionate about is also a huge blessing & something for which I am grateful.

Every life experience... the good & bad, happy & sad, everything... for, without those experiences, I would not have been provided the opportunity for growth in certain areas of my life. Though we are still going through things now, once we are settled & stable again, the pain will make the peace that much more sweet!

Every new day provides me with the opportunity for a fresh new start.

Grateful for being provided enough to get by...

5 Months Old for my Beautiful Sunshine Baby Girl

5 months ago, my beautiful baby girl made her most splendid entrance into this world to meet myself, her father, Aunt Kiki & so many of our very near & dear friends & family. It has been an incredible journey full of so many ups & downs, yet every day, you wake up with the most amazingly bright eyes & beautiful smile. You truly are the light of my life & my very own sunshine. Every day, you make me want to be a better person & do the very best I possibly can. I want you to be proud of me always & to look at me with those same bright eyes & that contagious smile. You are so very loved! I want you to know that despite our present circumstances, it in no way changes how I feel about you & the things I want for you. It makes me more determined to know that I have you to work so hard for. I have you, you sweet & perfect little angel, to keep me grounded & focused on my goals of finally being stable. I want that for you more than anything. I do know that you are aware of how much you are loved by so very many people, however, maybe it's the mama in me, but i want to provide you with the very best of everything... health & experience & stability & well, just everything! I am working on it every day & if there's one thing I can say, it's that I will not give up until I have provided these things for you.
At 5 months, you are already sitting by yourself for the past month. You are getting such a personality. You have such different ways of interacting with your papa than you do with your mama & with many others, for that matter. Your papa can really get you going & you just laugh & chatter with him... I just love it. then, whenever you see Mrs. LaMothe, you are too much. You will stare her down until she acknowledges you, then you just light up like no other. We have been doing the Your Baby Can Read series with you & although you aren't talking yet, I know you are understanding. I can tell you "arms up" when you want to be held & you put your arms up. You have been waving & it's just adorable to watch as you do it. You've been scooting for a while & now also crawling... luckily, you aren't too fast yet, so i don't have to chase you down quite yet. You have such a wonder at the world & sone of your favorite people are the Lamothes, Auntie Erin, Chance, & our friends, Mirina & sunny from Mugsy's coffee stand. 
You were in a car accident with your mama & you were almost completely unscathed, THANK God! Our car was toast, but thankfully, you were fine. In fact, you barely cried. Such a strong & brave little one already. It makes my heart happy.
You still refuse a bottle, but you LOVE water & drink out of regular cups & the smart water bottles.

Perception

Perception is everything. It can make or break a situation. It can turn something innocent into something ridiculous. I was told tonight about someone Mike has been talking to about our situation. First of all, he used to tell me all my friends would hear my story & then he would be the bad guy & they would not like him. & now, he is doing just that. He's got these people thinking I'm this horrific person. All I can say is, don't judge a book by its cover. Or, in Mike's own words, don't judge if you're not going to get both sides of the story.

Jumbled

So many thoughts race through my head still. Let me start off by first saying that I am beyond grateful for such an amazing daughter. Not sure what I have done to deserve her, but I love her with all that I am. I don't ever want to take for granted the truly incredible gift I have been given. I see her & I thank God every day. She is such a comfort through all of this. I see her & all seems as though it will be alright. Miya, You are the reason for all that I do. You make me want to be the very best person that I can be. I want to instill in you so many things.

Above all, I want you to know that we are only in control of our own actions & we cannot change anyone but ourselves. People are so quick to judge a situation that they no nothing of or only small amounts of the entire picture. It truly causes such craziness & chaos. I miss your papa even more than I let on to most. I wish he could remember back to all the times I've been telling you about & I wish he could see I never wanted to change him. I love him. He is such a unique & amazing man in so many ways. =) He has this incredible knack for wearing his heart on his sleeve when it comes to his friends & family. He will do anything for you to help you get on track. We used to spend nearly every waking hour we could on the phone & we often would fall asleep on the phone together. When we first got back in touch, he used to tell me he never slept so good as when we would talk & fall asleep together. I know it was a breath of fresh air to be able to talk to someone about anything & everything. I miss that terribly. He used to send me pictures of flowers every day when he went off to school in Virginia. He always wants to fix everyone else's problems & often times, he does. Now I am rambling. Back on point... Before we ever even spoke of children, we both agreed we wanted different for our children than the dysfunction we endured growing up. And back to saying we can only change ourselves... We make the best decisions we can based on the information we have at the time. & when that information changes, we adapt & change if necessary. The reason I did what I did, was based on the experiences I had & the knowledge I had at the time. As much as it killed me to have that order placed, I did it because I couldn't risk anything happening to you. The reason I changed my mind is because I was given new information that indicates that your papa would never physically hurt you. When I made up my mind not to go to court, it was for a few different reasons. The main reason is because I remember more than what my mom & dad realize & my situation damaged me until I was nearly 20 years old. I couldn't allow that to happen to you. As I said, we want different for you & I have to prove that by my actions, not just my wishes & words. I don't ever want you to feel like I felt in any way. That would just kill me. So, I adapted my actions based on the new information I was given. Your papa can see you whenever he pleases.

As for the rest of the situation, I have every faith in the world that God has a plan & that everything is going to work out the way it is intended. I still have some thoughts on the subject, based on the current information I have. To begin, I have received a few messages since sending my previous email. It makes my heart sad to think he can't see how much I truly love him, even still. He seems to be convinced that I am not happy & need to find my happiness in one instance & the very next he says he needs to clear his head & figure himself out. One minute he says he wants his family back, the next, he is saying he wouldn't be a man if he left his mom at this stage in life. One minute, Post Falls is a good move, the next, it's not for anyone but myself because I gave up a $17/ hour job... I could continue on & on with examples like this, however, I think the picture is clear. I haven't really responded because I pretty much said everything I feel in the very first email. To recap, I love him & yes, I want my family back, including him, however, it is most definitely going to take time & presently, the main priority should be our sweet and incredible daughter. I am moving to Post Falls as I currently have no money & job & could find no one to watch our sweet girl so I could go back to work. Post Falls will give us a chance to rebuild... I have some support in the form of mainly Miya's amazing godparents, Mike & Erin. We have her grandparents, Joe & Sheri... who have been incredibly supportive & understanding through this past month, & they will be right there in town. Plus, all our other amazing friends & surrogate family. & an added bonus, getting to raise Miya Catholic & not just in name. & another added bonus... I get to practice my massage therapy! Proof that when one door closes, another opens, (or a window is left cracked =)).

Something I find a little frustrating is that for someone who claims to know me so well, & who generally does, he can forget all he knows about me & say things like he hopes I find my happiness. What he doesn't realize is, he did make me happy or I wouldn't have stayed in the relationship & the reason I want to start from square one is because of how much I value it & how much I love him & how I want to provide our daughter with the very best & most solid foundation possible. She deserves that from us & more. & I think we deserve it as well. However, from some of the emails, I am not sure what he really wants. I know what I want, but it will only work if the other party wants the same. 

Stats...

So, I just noticed I have someone viewing my blog, but never commenting... =( I'd love some input... Do I sound completely crazy... =) I almost have to laugh at myself because my girlfriend & I were just talking about how I never shut up when it comes to Miya.... I talk about everything to her & apparently, I do the same when I write...
In any case, who is checking out my stuff??? I am curious!

or Two...

...When it comes to my ex's, I don't blame them. It takes two & I own my part in all of them. With Andrew, it was my insecurities the first time around. With the other Mike, it was my lack of self esteem... I thought I was trash & he treated me that way & that's what I felt I deserved. With Tony, it was to spite my mom & dad. With Shane, I was completely honest with him & told him I wasn't over someone else but if he still wanted to date, I'd give it a shot. I broke it off because I still wasn't over Andrew & I couldn't do that. With Andrew, I figured out who I was & had to get closure. With Dave, I had a jaded perspective on what love is & thought that was all there was. I was no victim. I made those choices & I corrected them.

As for us, I love you more than I could ever express. Why do you think this whole situation is so hard? Do you think I enjoy the things I did? What you are still missing, even after reading my email is that I do still want my family back... & yes that includes you. But I also recognize we have quite a bit to work through & get past.

As for our situation, beginning with when we first found out I was pregnant, yes, I did own up to my part. I started the whole thing... unintentionally, however, yes, I started it. I accidentally said Dave's name. I have apologized for that time & time again. As for the next situation, you saying we need to move. You gave me an ultimatum & said if I didn't move, we were over. I was trying to work with you. That's why I asked where would we move. You said somewhere we could both have opportunities. When I asked where that was, you didn't know, so my answer was no. Then you told me we were over & began insulting me. Again, jumping to conclusions about the flyers for homes. None of them were places I was actually interested in getting. I was just trying to get ideas of how much things cost, because I have no idea. The insults kept coming. I don't have to put up with anyone insulting me on any level & that is why I told you to get out. I told you to get out because you said we were over & I don't have to listen to anyone insulting me on any level. I only called the cops because you told me to. Yes, the counselor said we did have the same story, but we were not understanding each other. & yes, I will own my part in not always communicating, but the reason I don't always is because you either show a disinterest or I get the response of you had a plan & this one is mine so I have to figure it out. So then I start making the decisions after weighing the options & since I was told you weren't going to lift a finger to help & I had to figure it out, I began trying to figure it out, all the while still trying to include you. & when I do get a response, it's not always an honest one, prime example being when I again brought up you being a stay at home dad. I wasn't suggesting it to you in hopes of you saying yes. I suggested it because I was posing another option your way. I wanted your honest opinion & you told me yeah that would be good, & I took your word for it & then in March, that became one of the things you kept telling me... that I was trying to take your manhood away by not wanting you to work & that wasn't the case. I wanted your input... your honest opinion.
& as for the Idaho decision, initially you thought it was a good move. Now you say I am moving back for selfish reasons because you know that's where I wanted to end up. I have never hid the fact that Idaho is home to me, however, I have also told you I could see settling down somewhere like Leavenworth area. The reason I am going to Idaho is because I wasn't left with many other options... when you don't have any money & the only other place you can go is southern California, the option is quite simple since southern California is most definitely not a place to raise kids & not somewhere I have ever wanted to live. My job, as we had discussed, had already been cut as far as the hours I was getting which was my overtime pay & that's where the money came from. In addition to the things I had planned & been counting & relying on since October, things fell through... Life happened. =) I was just talking with Peanut last week about that sort of thing.... Life happens, you roll with the punches & you make the very best decisions you can based on the information you are given at the time. When that information changes, you adapt & change. You make a new plan & move forward... what is important is that you always do your best & you will know you are doing alright if you can look yourself in the mirror. I digress. Back on point, circumstances changed & the options that were available to me changed. I was left with going back to a job where I would not even be making it between rent & childcare, I wouldn't have any left over for food or utilities, etc... So, after my therapist brought it up, it made sense. She explained that even I need to have love & support around me... & this past few weeks has proven to em a few things... first that, the fact that I am by myself in some ways, God must have some serious amounts of faith in me!!! & second that I am human on a more emotional level than I imagined... I feel it... I feel the loneliness at times... I think & I cry & I move forward the best way I know how for us. =) Lately my favorite saying is "cry your eyes out... cry yourself a river & then build a  bridge or a boat to get to the other side." With that being said, again, Idaho is my only option currently. & speaking of God & everything happening for a reason, it just so happens I can still legally practice my massage there! So, the argument that I am being selfish & stupid about this is null & void... I did have a great job with my doc, but the fact is, I will be making 3 times the amount I was, even if I only charge the minimum.
I am not even sure why I am trying to explain all this. I am aware of the reasons I have made the decisions I have & our sweet girl is too. I am doing the very best I can with what i am given to work with. If I can't be grateful for what I am given, then why the hell should I be given anything more. Always make the best of everything in your life, you know? Look for that silver lining, because it is most definitely there...

A Letter...

Here I sit trying to collect my thoughts. Not too sure how well I'm doing with it though. All I can really say is I love you & Peanut with all that I am. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out how we got here. I keep going back to all the things we spoke about before Peanut was ever a reality. We both agreed we didn't want to raise our children in the dysfunction we were raised in. Part of that dysfunction includes the way we treat each other & that includes how we speak to each other... not just the tone of voice, but the words we choose & the things we do. I know you must be terribly angry & hurt & confused about why I had the order placed. First & foremost, for Peanut's safety. Back in October, we agreed this stuff can't keep happening & here we are. I felt that since you wouldn't listen to anything I had to say, it was really the only option I had left. Your spirals are increasing & you don't even see it. You claim to be happy, but you have so much pent up anger & I am afraid that if you get as mad as you were before Peanut was here, I don't know what you are capable of. You still don't even see that your spiral already put Peanut & I at risk, before she was even here. That was what the midwives were trying to tell you... that I was in danger of being preeclamptic, but all you could see is how you were wronged or why you were mad. I understand that, but it still doesn't justify the fact that you were taking it out on me. Then, your driving... 50 in a 25 zone with Peanut & myself in the car... that is again potentially putting us at risk & you didn't care when I asked you to slow down. I based my decision off of previous experiences with you & off of what you told me. You told me a few times that you got physical with your bio dad & the fact that you have been talking more violently about breaking things & throwing things through windows & smashing holes in walls & suicide, I can't allow Peanut to be around that. Your view of violence is clouded if you think that it's alright to name call & threaten things like calling CPS. For one, you know I am a damn good mother. I may have a lot to learn still, but you even told me that a few days prior to all the crap that happened. It doesn't matter if they are just words. & if they are just words then why do you write people off so quickly when they don't share your opinion? Again, going back to the things we said and agreed on when we spoke of how we were going to raise our kids... if we don't stop this cycle, that is what Peanut is going to grow up thinking is alright. I know that I don't want her to think that is normal & okay behavior.
I didn't do this because it was what I wanted. I love you & only want you to get help. That is why I tried to show you the video the night before. It kills me to see the man I love look at me with such anger & resentment. & that is another reason I did the only thing I felt I could do, since you didn't want to get help. My deepest fear since March has been to see that look in your face again because I don't know where it could have led had I not given birth when I did. & I worry that if you look at me that way, what happens if you look at Peanut & see me in her? There are too many things I am uncertain of.
You then refused to help with rent, ultimately leaving us homeless, just as you had been saying you feared. I do understand your fears & don't think you are the only one who has them. The difference is that you are used to doing things spur of the moment, but we have a baby now. We need to plan & weigh our options. You jumped the gun and assumed I was just sitting here at home having a grand old time doing nothing but watching Peanut. That wasn't the case. I was actively looking into all options, including the subject of moving to Bellingham to be closer to your job. As we had discussed a few nights before which you seemed to understand & be alright with, I had until the 21st to decide if I was going back to work & also, I was looking into seeing what would be required to break the lease without being penalized & so we could get the deposit back & such. If you had waited just a little longer instead of coming home lashing out, you would have known that I was already working on these things. You make it difficult to talk to because you don't ever listen. You speak your mind, & often much of it is just assumptions. & the fact that I told you I couldn't trust you is because one day you say everything is great & you're happy & love us & the next, you are mad at me & blaming me again for the past & you still fail to see the part you played in it. You get stuck on one thing without taking into account the entire picture.
I was also so sad to hear you quit a job you said you loved & could see a future doing. I got out of the court room & heard your message about the counselor & really hoped that you would go, but then I heard you say that if the counselor said it was you, that you'd bow out gracefully... not even a mention that you would get help & that is all I have wanted.
You lately say repeatedly that you have no idea what I want... it is simple. That has never changed. I just want OUR family!!! I had that... just like we spoke about before Miya. A simple life with you & our children... working towards getting to our dome home & property & garden, etc...
I have been going through so many emotions the past week and a half... I feel like my heart has been shattered in a million pieces, I feel angry & sad that you aren't here when you should be. Then I think about the toxic people you are turning to who are giving you all this horrific advice. The fact that you would turn to your mom & drug user dad when you have a stable dad there for you. & you can't see they are feeding your paranoia. For instance, with the whole singles site & asking your bio dad for help after he told you point blank to ditch the broad & baby & also to go kill yourself. & you are trying to convince me that I am the one who needs help. If I thought for one second that I was going to hurt my daughter, you better believe that I would be the first one to say come take her from me because the last thing i would ever want to do is harm her in any way.
Right wrong or indifferent, I just want my family back... ALL of my family... & that includes you! You are a huge part of that & I love you. I wish you knew how much. For all the times you have told me I am being coached by my friends, I wish you could see that I am still here. I have not gone anywhere.
Do you remember back in October when we discussed the possibility of you having Bipolar Disorder? Do you remember what you asked me? You asked me if that would change things between us. My answer is the same. We deal with it & I am not going anywhere, but the dysfunction has to stop! You always say you don't need help & that I am all you need, but we see where that got us. & now, this has to be about Peanut & doing right by her. She needs you in her life! She needs you happy & healthy & not resentful & angry & bitter.
I am also hurt that you could ever think that I would EVER talk down to her about you! You are her father & she was conceived out of love... Love that I still have for you. & even if I didn't, I would still never talk bad to her about you. She hears about you every day. I tell her stories about when we got back in touch & the things we used to talk about... family & our hopes & dreams. & I tell her as she looks at me wondering why Mama is crying... I tell her I miss her Papa & that it's okay to be sad. & we talk to her Uncle Jeremiah & her Great Grandpas & Grandmas & ask them to look out for you & bring you home healthy & happy & safe & at peace.
I am concerned that you don't see that the people you are getting advice from are only feeding into your paranoia right now. Your mom being the worst one & you don't even see it because she validates everything you say & makes it all my fault.
I have never & will never play games. It's not my style. Playing with someone, especially their heart strings, is most definitely not my style & I don't find anything humorous about it.
I was paid a big compliment by Joe tonight. He told me I was good for you& he said when he met me I seemed to be the answer to his prayers for you... that you find someone good for you. I think you are your own worst enemy. You can't see that I am happy with you. Of course, the past few months have been a bit rough, however, my love for you hasn't changed. As I said from day one, I only want for you to be happy. & part of that happiness is that I want for you to be entirely healthy & at peace. I still think you are your own worst enemy sometimes when it comes to that. =) Peanut definitely gets that from you.
You painted me to be this horrible crazy lady on facebook not just once, but multiple times & for the first time, I really get it. As both of the counselors agreed on this issue, it is a big one! If we are to work through this stuff, we must leave our issues off facebook! & the name calling on any level must stop!
I take pictures every day. I feel like I am just rambling now. My thoughts are so mixed up & all over the place. I need to get to bed. I haven't been sleeping much.
I hope you get this & I hope to get a reply.
Know that we love you more than ever & you are never far from our hearts & thoughts.

Humanity/ Gratitude/ Faith

God always has a plan & even if I may not know what that is quite yet, I know, without a doubt that things will work out just as they are intended to. He will never give us more than we can handle & that is why I have faith. No use worrying or stressing over things.
Of course, I am human & I am going through many different emotions of all sorts due to the gravity of the situation. Your Papa is such an incredible man. He has a heart of gold & fights fiercely for the ones he loves. I have seen it. He seems unsettled, like he isn't sure exactly what he wants out of life. I actually wonder if that is part of where our issues come from. We go about things differently. For instance, as I've already said, to me, the single most important thing in the world is my family & friends. It's taking every moment to soak in all the blessings I have. I know that I need to look to the future somewhat, however, I also feel that if it takes away from the present, it steals the only time we are promised. Every moment is a gift & we need to appreciate it as such.
I don't know what else I can say to Mike that I haven't already. I love him above all & I want my family back in its entirety. For some reason, he thinks me saying I want to take things slow with our relationship means that it isn't priority to me or that I don't really want a relationship with him. What I have learned with this situation is that you can't choose who you love. You love who you love, & in this instance, He is the only person I have ever been in love with & I still am. I think that it's a little twisted, but we are all guilty of this. We hurt the ones we love the most... & I think that to a certain extent, Kari had a point when she said once that It's easier to hurt those people because we know they aren't going anywhere. The people we love the most are the ones we are most comfortable with & we know that they will never write us off or leave. It's a certain comfort zone we establish & it makes it easier to let down our guards & also in turn to lash out when we need to because we know they are always going to be there. Bittersweet in a way..

Untitled

My heart hurts more than I imagined. Today I have been left alone to my thoughts. Besides having my beautiful blessing of a daughter with me, I have had no adult interaction. Again, my thoughts are all jumbled. I came across a few holy cards as I was sorting through all the paperwork today. I take it as a sign although I am not sure of what, but my grandparents were named Joseph & Lillian & the holy cards I found were Mike's. They were from his grandpa & grandma's passing. Their names were also Joseph & Lillian. Strange coincidences I suppose.
I fell asleep before finishing my post. In any case, What I was getting at is that I can't stop thinking about the fact that he would rather be down there with his mom than near his daughter. He feels like me saying we need to make this about our daughter above all else & rebuild our own relationship slowly means that I don't want a relationship with him. I don't know if he honestly thinks that or if it's just the garbage he's being fed, but if that's truly what he thinks, he doesn't know me at all. If I didn't want things to work, I'd tell him so.
On another separate, however not totally unrelated subject, I heard from Shilo today. The irony of the entire situation is that I get it from both sides. Mike says I never stick up for him or defend him to anyone & that shows him where my priorities are & Shilo says the exact same thing. I suppose it's in the perception of each person on some level. When the situation first happened, all I could muster was telling Mike he crossed a line & that both he & Shilo were irrelevant at that moment. All the energy I had went into our sweet daughter & doing everything I could to protect her as much as I could from the situation. I don't regret that because she came out & the docs all said she was "pretty perfect". I got a message from Shilo telling me I had to choose between her & Mike & on some level, Mike made the same demand. I was upset with them both due to the fact that I love them both & they will both always be a part of my life, but they were trying to make me choose between them. Right, wrong or indifferent, they both will always be family to me, blood or not. then, after my mother's day text to Shilo, she said she has been burned countless times by Mike & my situation & so she wished us well & said she'd pray for us. I assumed that she was done. I respect that decision as I do understand the hurt she might be feeling & the uncertainty of whether or not it will happen again. Then I get another email today saying I didn't tell people the entire story & she wants me to prove how much I value our relationship... Like deja vu... the exact same demands Mike made for me. Come down to Boise to prove to him I love him.
On some level, it hurts to think that I was told I could have gone anywhere & been with anyone, but instead I chose you...  It almost seems like he feels like he settled. Then the fact that he throws in my face all the things he gave up to be here with me & the fact that he says I am ungrateful. That is not the case. I thank God every day that he chose to be with me because I know how much I love him & it means the world to me.... & now, even more so as I look at our precious daughter who is entirely pure & innocent & so aware & already so smart.
The only thing I can say is that based on the emails I have received from him, that he isn't sure what he wants. I think that's the one thing he still doesn't get about me. I can only speak for myself, however, I have found that it really doesn't matter where I am or where I go or where I end up. The things that are important to me are my family & friends & that will always be the most important thing in the world to me. =) I once told your Papa before we began our relationship that I don't need him. I want him in my life because he enhances it. As long as I have my family in my life, I am happy. Everything else is secondary to that. Sure, there are things that I wouldn't mind having or doing and such, but it will only make it worth it if I have the people who are important to me in my life. & make no mistake, your Papa is one of those people.

Storming Heaven...

Alright, so today is going to be an incredible day! We begin storming Heaven after all. =) & you were so extremely talkative through the entire novena, which tells me you know exactly what we were doing & you were getting your prayers heard too! <3 & I see you sleeping now & remember what Sharon & Tom at William's coffee shop said about sleeping babes... they are talking to angels. You are working overtime. Mama's friend Judy, the counselor called us today to see how we are & to check in. She assured me that from a professional standpoint I am doing everything right & from a personal friend kind of standpoint, she said it seems home is our best option. She pointed out that she has no doubts that you know you are loved & it's apparent you are taken care of well & that your Mama puts you first above all else... however, she said Mama needs to be where she is going to have love & support as well.

Shattered

Such bittersweet moments these past few days... I am overwhelmed by it all today. I could NEVER regret doing what I felt I had to to protect my baby girl, however, I feel as though my heart has been shattered into a million pieces. What is left to do when you love someone & only want them to be happy but all you see them do is sabotage their happiness with delusion & paranoia? When all they see is black & white & ignore the gray? When someone isn't willing to take responsibility? When they lash out at the ones who love them the most? How could one's heart not break???
I have truly learned that most people have no tolerance or compassion for someone who is sick.  They don't view a mental illness like they do Autism or Cancer or Diabetes. There is a true lack of understanding & intolerance for the actions of someone suffering from a mental illness & to a certain extent, I think it's due to a lack of knowledge about it. Even I notice at times that I have to stop myself & remember it is an illness, not who he is. That in no way means it makes for a free ride, it simply means that it's out of their control & we need to be the ones to take the appropriate action.
I know for certain that there are a very few amount of people who will ever truly understand why I have not written this all off long ago. & I don't feel that I need to justify it, but maybe just explain from my standpoint to see if they can attempt to understand things. First & foremost, I love your Papa. That has never changed & never been the issue. How could I not love the father of my amazing daughter? I see so much of him in you... some of your mannerisms, your personality. For, you are the absolute very best part of the both of us.

Mother's Day

Miya Soleil Lee, I thank God every day that you picked me to be your Mama. I love you more than I ever could have thought possible. It is amazing how much you've taught me... I never imagined how strong I am until looking back at everything we've been through. I have learned that not only do I have a strength I never knew, but I am also more vulnerable than I ever could have imagined. Still, at times, when I see you, I get completely overwhelmed by the thought of having carried you inside me... that you grew inside me. I had your heart beating inside me... that after everything we experienced, that even the doctors said you were "pretty perfect", which means I did good.
The vulnerability part comes from the fact that, with the week we've had & finally being able to think about everything that has happened, I admit that I feel like my heart has been shattered into a million pieces. I say this because of everything we are going through with your Papa. I love him more than I have ever loved any one... with the exception of you. & how could I not still love him... I look at you & I see so much of him & you better believe it that I don't regret you in any way shape or form. Like I said, I thank god every day that you picked me to be your Mama. Back to the vulnerable feeling... your Papa is sick, which is why I did what I had to do to protect you. It tears me up that I had to go that route, however, you are my number one priority. & although he may hate me, at least I know I did what I felt I had to for your sake. I only hope he eventually understands why I did what I did & also understands that I didn't do it out of spite or malice or hate. I only want him to get help & be well. It kills me that he is missing out on you in any capacity, but if he is unwilling to acknowledge that he is sick, he will not get help & that is where your safety comes first. Maybe eventually he will realize that I never quit loving him. Before, I could buffer things & keep you safe, but now, I don't have that option. That is what changed.
I seem to keep getting deterred in explaining the vulnerability part... everything going on with your Papa right now is just devastating to me. He should be here with us enjoying everything about you & this amazing journey. Feeling so torn, is a big part of the vulnerability for me. I am used to facing whatever comes across my path in an almost objective way. this situation is so drastically different. I find myself quite emotional over it.

Love, Peace, Joy, Gratitude, Anger, Sorrow, & Fear

It has been quite some time since I have been able to sit & write to you, Sweet Baby Girl. You are here & are going on 7 weeks old! <3 Let me begin by saying that you are the single most incredible & amazing experience of my entire life, from conception to labor & delivery... The entire experience was just incredible & I love you beyond what any words could ever describe. I look at you & see how perfect & strong & beautiful & independent you already are & it truly overwhelms me to think that you were inside me growing & I had your little heart beating in my body. =) You are already so independent & stronger than I could have ever imagined. In some ways, that makes me so happy & in others, it makes me sad to think of how I know this. for someone who is just shy of 7 weeks old, you have already been through more than I would ever care to admit.
So, the title of this blog... I am hoping to convey to you all the emotions that I have experienced recently & why. The love is because of you. I see you & I can feel your love & I hope to God that you know there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I love you so much! You deserve a life full of all good things. I see you & how sweet & innocent you are & I know I can't keep you that way & protect you from all that life will throw @ you, but I pray that I give you the best fighting chance I can, so that you make your life what you want it to be & never regret it.
The peace I feel is hinged so much on all the things that life threw at you before you were ever even here, At some times, it seemed as though the odds were stacked against us in some ways, yet here you are perfect & so content & good natured. I am at peace knowing that you were seemingly unaffected by all the chaos the occured while you were waiting to make your appearance. & even more at peace to hear the docs tell me you are quite literally 'practically perfect'.
The joy I feel is in seeing that you are such a miracle in so many ways. You have brought some sort of peace to your Papa. & as for your "Bampa", he couldn't be more in love with you. I get to experience a new side to him that I have never seen. I see you & I also know you are the very best parts of me & your Papa. I am reminded of the reasons I love your Papa & that makes me happy. =D
Gratitude... this seems never ending. Every day I tell you "thank you for picking me to be your Mama & I love you more & more than I ever imagined possible." I am grateful to Deva for her wisdom & friendship because every time I see you I think about how perfect you are & that validates that the things I did were best for us. I am grateful for your Godmama & your Aunt Kiki for all they have done to help support us & bring you into this world happy & healthy & safe & peaceful. Without them, I think I would never have found my strength at times.
Anger... I get angry because your Papa is truly sick & he can't see how much he is missing out on you... his little piece of an incredible miracle. I get angry at the thought of what he has put you through. I have to remember that he isn't doing it because he chooses to, he is truly sick. That does help to some degree but it's a small consolation compared to the things you have already had to experience.
Sorrow... my heart hurts, especially now that your Papa is truly missing out on you. I am sad that I felt like the only way to protect you was to have him out of your life until he gets help & you are safe. I am sad that he is putting you through this. I am sad that we couldn't do more to help, but I am also realistic enough to know what we can handle & most especially that things aren't going to change until he acknowledges he is sick.
The fear I have is at not knowing when he is going to spiral or what is going to set him off. I fear what he may do to you when he is in one of these rants, most especially because I have seen him look at me with such anger & resentment & bitterness & rage. I can't help but fear the possibilities of you being put at risk in any way. I would die if I could have prevented something but didn't.

MonaVie... Gratitude Journal

Where do I even begin? Another thing to add to my Gratitude Journal. ♥ MonaVie! Truly a blessing in oh so many ways! First off, it has assisted me in my journey to healthy living & my entire lifestyle change. Even pregnant, I am healthier than I have been in at least a decade if not more! I am also smaller pregnant, than I have been in the past 5 or 6 years. I believe this is the most exciting journey of my life right now, of which I am grateful for every bit of! I am thankful for my beautiful, healthy baby, most especially. I am thankful for the newness I see in so many things as I attempt to see things from different perspectives to assist Miya in making every part of her experience a beautiful experience. I am grateful for the opportunity to be a part of an amazing company. The people that have come into my life by way of this amazing company, have enriched it beyond. People who are genuine & good & kind-hearted, full of positivity, inspiration & motivation. I am proud to be a part of that.


Let me begin with my story. Initially, I was signed up by my beautiful surrogate sister, Jacinta, on a whim. MonaVie was doing a promo & distributors got in for free, so she asked & I agreed, not having a clue what I agreed to. Months later, I decided to look into this company that I was a "Distributor" for. I read a little info & decided to try the juice. I was just in the process of making some huge lifestyle changes for myself.  Thanks to a dear friend of mine, Amanda, I decided to join her in her quest to lose weight & become healthy. I was Detoxifying my life... ridding it of everything toxic... from relationships, to food, etc... all toxicity had to go. I had to change my habits. I had to find a way to maintain a workout routine. Right around this same time, I was 300 lbs & I found out I was prediabetic. My naturopathic doctor put me on HCG. I felt it was necessary to get out of the prediabetic stages & then I could focus on what I had intended all along... getting healthy. So, I lost 30 lbs on HCG & got out of the prediabetic range. The naturopathic doctor suggested I do another round of HCG. I was ready to do it, but still not too sure about it. I opted against it because I was not just wanting to lose weight & reset my weight set point, I was wanting to fix the root of the problem. I eliminated mostly everything in my diet & went to eating organic fruits & veggies, mostly. When meat was consumed, it was grass fed, organic meats.  I then began researching further into health & fitness. Through the course of my journey, I lost a total of 100 lbs. I learned so much about health & my own misconceptions about these things. The body wants to heal itself. Our bodies are not intended to be used the way we use (& abuse) them. I am currently pregnant & still healthier than I have been in over a decade. Even pregnant, I am also still smaller than I have been it at least 5 or 6 years.


Now that you have heard my journey of returning to health, let me tell you about the rest. So, when I began drinking MonaVie, I didn't notice much at first & not for like a month and a half. However, I eventually realized that I was able to maintain a workout longer than what I had been able to do in the past & my knee wasn't as cranky as it had been, especially when I would work out. My workouts became easier & I was able to go longer without the pain I had previously experienced. I know that between the MonaVie & Active Release Techniques, That is what got me to the point of being able to maintain a workout again.


So, back to MonaVie... When I began ordering the juice, Jacinta contacted me saying her friend Erin wanted to meet me. I agreed & she asked me at our very first encounter what my hopes & dreams were. I didn't really have any at that point... or at least none that I had really thought of. I told Erin I just wanted to drink the juice & it would be nice to have it paid for, but I never really went any further than that. So, a few years later, with changed circumstances, we are back at square one! :) I came home for a visit & went with my sister to Erin's for another tasting. As we sat there, I thought back to the initial question I was asked about 2 1/2 years earlier. I thought about my life & my baby girl who is scheduled to arrive soon. I decided right then & there I did have goals & dreams & I was ready to achieve them. I thought about wanting to take time off work but knowing that any time I take will be on my own dime because we don't get paid maternity leave. So, unless I want us to be living on the streets, I need to make things happen or I won't have a choice about going back to work. So, again, right then & there I made a choice to reach a goal. I want to know that by the end of March, I am financially stable... That when I go back to work, it is by choice, not out of necessity. That we will have a savings & that we can afford our property with our dome home & also be able to afford to take trips when we feel like it & for however long we want. Most importantly, I want to be at peace knowing that Miya is provided for in every aspect of her life, to note, emotionally, spiritually, physically, mentally, materially.


Since I made this decision, I have been nothing but overwhelmed, in a wondeful way... by the people that have come into my life. I have never been more proud to say that I am surrounded by people who truly inspire in every sense of the word. Completely amazing people! They are helping me get my business off the ground, up & running, achieving my goals & dreams. & not only that, but they are some of the most incredible people I have ever met! These most kind & generous people help out simply because they can. Before they had even really known me, they were already helping me.

Tonight, as I sit & reflect, I am filled with this overwhelming sense of you... & also full of gratitude that time really does lessen most pains. I am grateful that your Auntie Shilo & I are better. It was most definitely hard without her. The holidays really didn't feel much like holidays to me. & by the way, she loves you oh so very much, as do so many others. =) I was filled with a sort of peace of mind at the thought of your grandpa Joe. He  told your papa to tell us hi & he sends his love.
I am beyond words as I sit here. Grateful for you being healthy & overall, I must say I am just along for the ride on this one. I am right now feeling like I could use some extra thoughts & prayers though. I am feeling a little alone on a few things. First one being that I know so many people doubt us being able to reach our goals. Although I know I have support from Tyler & Amanda & Erin & Angie, it would most definitely help to have some positive reinforcement a little closer to me. Now, don't get me wrong, I am most definitely not giving up by any means. As you will learn soon enough, your Mama is no quitter.