Christmas Blessings in Disguise

Although I have not really been feeling Christmas like this year, I am constantly reminded of the many blessings God bestows on me daily. Material things aren't what count! The things that make the difference & are the blessings in disguise are the things we often take for granted. Those things are mainly friends & family. Christmas was wonderful. I got to spend it with my beautiful, super woman like sister, & my spirited niece & nephew.... also got to spend it with Mama & Poppy... & I got the best Christmas surprise a girl could ask for. I got to spend some much needed catching up & quality time with some friends I lost touch with when I moved. It reminded me of many things. 

She is a true inspiration & also an amazing woman. I didn't get to tell her,  however I have thought of her quite often, especially over the past year. She once told me about before her & her husband married. She knew she wouldn't marry someone who wasn't Catholic. She prayed to God & left it in His hands & he converted & years later, they have an amazing family! God knows our hearts & He will always Bless us with what we need & what is best for us. During the course of our discussions & catch up time, I mentioned how much her kids had grown & matured. =) To which she replied, she prays now that God bless them with good & holy influences & friends or if there are no good & holy influences & friends, that He give them no friends at all. I LOVE this most of all! How often do we underestimate how our influences help to shape & mold who we are as individuals?! How great is it that this is not forgotten! I am in awe of this family & that, in a sense, God has blessed me to include them as friends of mine.

I have always been a firm believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason & nothing is without purpose, unless we choose to ignore it. For instance, even our mistakes are little blessings in disguise. The mistakes may help us from doing something even worse in the future... so long as we learn from them, that is. I believe the only tragedy of a mistake is when we don't learn from it.

In any case, I digress. The point in all of this was to say that I received some truly incredible gifts/ blessings this year & I am beyond grateful & appreciative of them all! 

Christmas & What It Means..

What does Christmas mean to you? To me, it is first & foremost Jesus' birthday. Then, it is family & friends being together. It is Love... Pure, uncomplicated, selfless love. No strings attached. Lots of laughter with my niece & nephew... watching them open their gifts. It is baking & cooking, drinking & eating. Sitting around the fire,playing games, telling stories. Watching Christmas movies, including National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation... mind you, the BEST Christmas movie ever! Christmas is about Carols. It's about giving & sharing... giving of yourself & sharing with those less fortunate. SNOWFLAKES, decorating the tree, snowball fights, Egg Nog, Mistletoe, Wreaths, big fuzzy sweaters, hats & scarves, Ice Skating, Spiced Wine, knitting. Christmas also means the beginning of something wonderful... a bright future,  a New Year.... Resolutions, new goals.

With all this, I am so grateful, yet at the same time, I am feeling so alone. Not that I'm feeling sorry for my self, just that I feel like I am out of place... like I am not sure where I belong right now. I feel the love from so many of my amazing friends & family, yet I still feel like I'm alone. Not lonely by any means, simply alone. The difference between lonely & being alone. I believe one can be lonely and not be alone. One can be surrounded by people... truly wonderful people, yet still feel so alone. How do I shake this feeling???

Overwhelmed

I feel as though I am barely treading water these days. It's hard to make sense of some of the things that have been presented to me. I know logically that everything happens for a reason, but there is still that part of me that wants to believe that maybe things have changed & that the people offering these extravagant things are truly doing it out of the goodness of their heart. Past experience tells me this isn't so. Maybe it;s the optimist in me wanting to believe people can & do change & that not everyone has an alterior motive when offering to do things for others. There are people who do it simply because it's the right thing & because they can help & so they see it as something they should do... no hidden agendas & no alterior motives.

Just Breathe...

So, I broke the news to my mother today about the pending divorce. She didn't start preaching as I assumed she would. Merely said that I wasn't married in the Church, so it was good. So glad that I can check that task off my list. Now I can focus on the rest.
Can anyone tell me hypothetically, if someone offered to help pay off your bills, would you accept? or would you be skeptical because almost never do people do something out of pure kindness & generosity?

Reflection

So, once again, I am reminded of all the blessings in my life. An acquaintance informed me her hubby has been suffering from PTSD for the past year. He has been hospitalized for the majority of the year, but just before Thanksgiving, he ended up back there. When she got in touch with her boss, he let her go saying they needed someone reliable. I say this, knowing that she is reliable. I know the business & I have seen her in action & dealt with her. She is incredible & patient & approachable & completely professional. My heart breaks for her to think of all she must be going through.

& again, a patient of ours came in today & my heart grew sad. He lost his wife earlier on this year. & they have several children. Still pretty young at that. First Christmas without her.... my heart aches for them. Yet, in all this, he is always so gracious & kind.

Then, there's this couple I know... wonderful husband & wife. Truly a melt your heart match.... in my opinion, the stuff love stories are truly made of. This guy is a military man. He is always extremely polite & upbeat. He never fails to say thank you when he comes in. In any case, I digress. He just went on deployment for 8 months. He called the office to ask if he could send flowers for his wife there. He was leaving & wanted to surprise her. She shows up & I give her the flowers & she gets the biggest smile on her face that I have ever seen. It truly melted my heart. It was like a real life Sleepless In Seattle or The Notebook... then, stay with me, because it gets better. Then she tells me he has surprised her like this in the past. Once, he arranged for her to receive flowers at an airport. I love this story. I am only sad that they can't be together for Christmas. He passed on a message for us. He wanted his wife to tell us all hello & send his regards. I passed along my regards & asked her to thank him for his service. A true hero!

And still, a patient's mom was just diagnosed with breast cancer. I told her my thoughts & prayers were with her & she immediately became so positive & told me that it was appreciated. Attitude is half the battle according to many, & so I send her as many good vibes & thoughts & prayers as I can.

Even still, another wonderful woman I know was diagnosed with a brain tumor & her positive attitude is such an inspiration! She is a dear sweet, beautiful woman. Her family is delightful. She's not your typical run of the mill, uninterested person. She asks because she is generally concerned... even about those she may not know super well. Even with everything going on in her life, she still makes time to ask about others & show concern for them & offer to help in any way she can. I only wish I can learn to be as gracious as she is. & of course, my thoughts & prayers are with her & her family right now too, especially since her incision became infected & she ended up back in the hospital. Thoughts, prayers, well wishes & good vibes to this sweet lady that she makes a speedy recovery with no more set backs! ♥

As I close, I just want to again thank the Man upstairs for all His incredible blessings! Those we are able to recognize immediately & those that we often times don't understand right away! You know what you are doing & I surrender to you! May I always remember where/ Who my blessings come from & may I never take them for granted. May I never be stingy about sharing my many blessings when I can!

Love,
Jenn

Down Sizing...

Time to clear out ALL the clutter! In getting my affairs in order, I find that one of the first things that come to mind is the sense of urgency in clearing out the clutter. This need to change the way things have been is seeded in every aspect of my life... So much of my life has been so cluttered for so long. In order to truly make a fresh start, there is no doubt that everything must change. Relationship has already changed. Financial status is at the top of the list. Work continues to change daily... in a very positive way. Dwelling place will be changing soon.... also in the works.

Food for thought: Evaluate your material things. Determine what is relevant & what is clutter. Material things can't be taken with you when you die, so is it really worth holding on to all the things we may one day use???... & probably only once at that. I believe that clearing material clutter will also clear the clutter of the mind & soul. It will in turn open the door for such positive things to come flooding in!

So, my immediate goal is to down size. Anything I haven't used in the last year is going away. Anyone needing or looking for anything in particular should text or message me. If I have it, it's yours.

And on that note, wish me luck!

Don't Judge a Book by It's Cover...

Over the past few months,  I have been reminded that one should never judge a book by it's cover. I have found some wonderful friends in the most interesting of people, who, at first meeting, you would never think could be as amazing as they truly are. She was extremely nice, however, slightly uninteresting to me at first. The months that followed have proven me so wrong. For this, I am glad. I have found such a kindred soul in her. A true friend.

A Letter To God...

Dear God,
It's just me again. I can never say enough how truly grateful I am for all the blessings you have bestowed on me. It is often said that one should consider themselves blessed if they can count the number of true friends they have on one hand. You have gifted me with more amazing & true friends than I deserve. I am in awe at all the inspiring people you have brought to my life. I have so many wonderful & unique friends & each add a little something extra to my life. They have helped to make me who I am. I only hope that I am turning out to be the kind of person you intended me to be. I pray that I may always remember my blessings & make the most of every moment & every situation that is presented to me. In all that I do, may I always remember that it is all because of you & may I never take anything for granted. May I be blessed enough to never squander an opportunity to learn & may I never forget how fortunate I truly am. May I share my blessings with those less fortunate than me & may I always live to my fullest potential & honor you.
All my love,
♥
Jenn

Friends and Family...

This is an old post that I must have forgotten to publish...

As I was working out at the gym tonight, I was finishing up a book on the Chakras & I realized how true it is that mind/ body/ soul are so inseparable. When one is sick, the others are usually not far behind. I have been reevaluating my life over the past 11 months & have been making some serious & drastic, yet much needed changes. I acknowledge that part of the constant growing process is going to include mistakes. What makes them worth it, is when we learn from them. For in every turn, there is a lesson. The only time I can regret a decision, is when I don't learn from it.

This all comes to mind as I spoke with my mother who is always so eager to remind me of how she perceives me... mainly, she describes me as being erratic, deceptive, stubborn, hurtful, & most of all, having deep seeded emotional issues that have caused me to be an emotional eater. I will fully admit that at one point in my life, I had so many emotions running through my head that I didn't always know how to express them. There was a time when I felt completely alone... not lonely, just alone. I was cared for quite well physically, however, mentally or emotionally, I was not raised to feel like it was alright to have an opinion; to feel ashamed when I let my mom down, especially since she was a single parent. No one in my family ever talked much about issues. They all loved to gossip about the rest of the extended family, but not air their own dirty laundry. & definitely not talk about important things unless is was to criticize. I am saddened to know that my mother doesn't know me, however , she chooses to listen to what everyone else says instead of just asking me herself.  Back on topic, I have never been an emotional eater. I manifest my stresses by lack of sleep due to over analyzing. I have done it for years & years. Used to be accompanied by much worry & some other emotions mixed in.

Many moons ago, I was such a confused soul. I had no self esteem & thought that the way I would find happiness was by making everyone else happy & by making sure to not disappoint my loved ones. The interesting thing is, the harder I tried, the more I felt like I was a disappointment. I wanted to have the approval of everyone around me & feared that no one liked me. I thought that if my dad didn't care enough to want to be a part of my life & that if my mom was always disappointed & made me go back to boarding school when I was so terribly homesick that I must not be worth much... that everyone would be better off without me. I had no self esteem whatsoever. Long story short, who knows where I would have ended up if I didn't have certain people in my life who showed me I was so absolutely wrong about the ideas & perceptions I had about myself.

Back on point... the issues my mother refers to are things from way back in the day. I acted out in so many ways. Some specific times come to mind. The very last time I lived with her for any period of time, things got completely ugly & entirely out of control. I had finally gone back to prove to my mom that I wasn't as messed up as she thought I was. By the end of the summer, I was beyond tired of hearing all about everything that I did wrong or that she was disappointed with. It got to the point where even my aunt asked her if I could do anything right. I had become mentally and physically drained. I knew she would never let me leave willingly, so I took it upon myself to book the flight & call a cab. By the time I was ready to leave, my mom had figured out what I was attempting to do. She grabbed one of my bags to keep me from being able to go. In the moment it took me to realize what she was doing, I reacted. I chased after her, all the while, only focused on my goal of getting my bag back and in the moment, things got physical. I had a hold of my bag & she turned around and back handed me. I was fuming & just wanted to go back home to Idaho. She grabbed my hair & I told her I could cat fight too & joined in by grabbing a hold of her hair. Definitely NOT one of my proudest or finer moments to date. I all of a sudden realized my baby brother & cousin were screaming in the back ground because they didn't understand what was happening. I immediately let go of my bag & let her run off with it. I went inside, gained my composure, & called the police. As I was explaining that I was a legal adult & my mom was attempting to keep me against my will, the phone was disconnected by someone. The cops traced the call & came to the house. I left & didn't look back for quite a while. Years later, I came to realize that the situation could have & should have been handled in such a different way. When I began speaking to my mom again, one of the first things I told her was that, as much as I believe I wasn't entirely in the wrong, I was extremely sorry for the way I handled the situation. I explained that I was out of line & I was so very sorry for that. I have moved past it.

I don't see the logic in living in the past. Mistakes made are life lessons. The only true regret I can have is when I don't learn from something. Everything happens for a reason. My mistakes have made me who I am & I choose to be appreciative of the fact that they could have saved me from making an even bigger mistake than I did in the long run.

Thanksgiving

I love the holidays! I get excited about family & friends... & yes, even the psychotic ones... what can I say, it adds a little spice. I am ready for a break. Everyone needs a little change once in a while.I just think that with all the current changes in my life, a change of pace is a good thing.

Breaking the News

As I've said so many times before, I love my life! I've had such an incredible amount of love & friendships & support that I often wonder what made me so special & so deserving of the amazing people in my life. I thank God every day for what He has blessed me with. Such a fantastic support system & such a level head in so many situations... yes, I know I can also be stubborn & even a hot head at times, but I suppose some things, you just cant' change, right? =)

Oftentimes we find that there is no easy way to let someone down & that in most cases, the right thing is sometimes the hard thing to do. The truth may hurt, but I find it much more cruel to live a lie or be caught in one... Not that every situation is a lie, or that people can't genuinely change, merely that their truth had been replaced. To those less fortunate than myself, I can see where a situation like the above mentioned could have devastating results.

So, after a few year of confusion & mixed emotions, I am finally able to discern between raw emotion & reason/ logic. Love truly can cloud judgement & although love is important, in order for any relationship to succeed, there has to be a foundation built on love, mutual respect, values, and I could go on and on with this list. Long story short, if you don't share the same values, the foundation is faulty & will eventually crumble. There MUST be a common ground and it must be based on more than just love.

On a separate subject, in a total Ryan Star mood today!
... ♪♫♪
i need you to hear me say 
breathe, just breathe 
take the world off your shoulders 
and put it on me 
breathe, just breathe 
let the life that you lead 
be all that you need 
let go of the fear 
let go of the time 
let go of the one 
to try to put you down 
you're gonna be fine 
don't hold it inside 
go ahead right now 
and let it all come round... ♫♪♫

Another One Down...

This one is by far my favorite!

Changes Ahead

So, new things are ahead! Clean slate with so many options in front of me. I am ready & excited at all the possibilities. The new leaf to which I referred earlier has been turned & has opened the door for such an amazing life. I am at peace.

On a completely different subject, I am stoked about the new venture I am involved in for the AFSP. I have begun making head scarves to sell. The proceeds will be donated to the cause. For those of you not familiar with the AFSP, it is the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.The cause entails raising awareness & money to aid in helping to raise awareness for the alarming rate of suicides in the country. The money helps to train people to know how to pay attention &, in a sense, profile those who may need help or be in trouble. Prime example would be for teachers or doctors. In addition, it also offers comfort to those who have lost loved ones to suicide & those who may be at risk themselves.

I have a few orders placed already & here is the first official order completed:

 Anyone interested in donating to a good cause, please let me know!

A New Leaf

When at a crossroads or turning a new leaf, it is most often implied that it is the end of something old or that there is some sort of change that needs to be made or a death, of sorts. I find it so curious that I am such a blunt, no bull shit person yet, on occasion, I can't seem to find the words. Life deals you a hand and, mid course, that hand gets changed. What is left to do when this happens? You adapt and move forward, learning what you can from the initial circumstances. One thing I will say is live, learn, laugh, love, smile, cry, and no matter what you do, do it with a passion & vigor for life. NO REGRETS! You were exactly where you should have been in your life, at some point. If I follow the process of thought that I maintain, it follows as such. Nothing in life happens by accident. There is always a purpose to the things that happen to us. Also, God is so awesome that He will never give anyone more than they can handle. So, if you think you can't, always remember, somewhere in there, you can. It gives me comfort & putting this down brings me peace knowing that I will have the inner strength to make the decisions that are right & best for everyone involved. Move forward & focus on good stuff!

The most recent project... courtesy of Calorimetry on Knitty.com This particular one is a birthday gift for the lovely Shalie. The button was a last measure as I had a different one & lost it. I didn't realize it until too late, so had to make due with what I had on hand.

The black & white backgrounds hopefully provide a contrast to give you a better view of the piece.

In addition to Shalie's headscarf, I also made her a dessert of her choosing.... it just so happened to be plain old Cheesecake. Despite the fact that I lost my old recipe that I'd been using for at least 10 years, I think it turned out alright. Tomorrow will be the test run.

Family History

Alright, how many of us know about our family history? What does the name mean? Where did it originate? How far back can we trace our family? What kind of stories did our ancestors share? How far back can we trace through our history and to what places? Well, I am on a mission to answer some of these lingering questions. The Hewko family has an incredible amount of branches on the family tree & the Lee side is pretty interesting as well. I want to go back as far as I can to find the answers I need. I am simply jumping out of my skin with excitement over the prospect of learning about my grandparents & the rest of my ancestors.






On a side note, my beautiful friend Cheyla has branched out to another area yet again. In addition to her photography talent & hobby, she is now spreading her wings into another area: baby clothing. Anyone interested can look her up on Facebook: Breedlove Photography or Cheyla Breedlove-Miller. A small sample of the line, inspired by her dogs.

Vegas, Baby!

So much to do, so little time.... I just realized that my sister's 30th birthday is a week away & we are doing Vegas for her birthday! First time I'll actually be going there for fun. I've only ever driven through, so it will be exciting for me. In the meantime, I've got much to do to prepare! Laundry, shopping, work, & of course, finishing off a few knitting projects that are also needing to be rounded up fairly soon. I am working on more headscarves & also a drop stitch scarf for a friend's mom. The headscarf is for a girlfriend who shares a birthday with my sister & the scarf is for a lady who finished a case I began quite some time ago. The case was supposed to house all my knitting & crochet  notions. I'll get pics posted as soon as I can.
Oh yes, & let me not forget.... I also must finish researching so I can cast my vote.

The Never Ending Trinity Stitch Blanket...

Now, this pattern is courtesy of Cheri's Knits. I did increase the size as I wanted a bigger blanket. I call it the never ending blanket as I have been working on it for the past 2 1/2 years. It is going to be pretty fantastic to see it finished. There will be such a sense of accomplishment once this project is finally finished!

Halloween

Not much to say, but we went to Schuh Farms & picked up a multitude of Pumpkins. I had so much fun carving them! I hadn't done it in ages. Of course, if it rots before Halloween, I may just have to do a few more! =) In any case, it was a nice break in the midst of all the knitting projects I have going on right now. Now to find a most excellent recipe for some sort of Pumpkin or Squash Soup!!!

It Can't Rain All the Time

The liquid sunshine has finally arrived here on Whidbey. It brings with it a gusty wind. Although I will miss the glorious sunshine and its' early rising & late setting, I am, in a way, looking forward to snuggling up with some Tea, Coffee, or Cocoa, a nice fuzzy blanket & a good book or a fun knitting project... & anyone who knows me, knows I have plenty knitting to do! =)
Speaking of rain, there's also a different sort of storm brewing. So many different dynamics in such an extensive family! Emotions are being stirred for certain. A loss that resonates through time & has impacted so many lives. So much pain still hides in the cracks of time and space. How much would have changed if just one thing had been different?

On that note, a poem in the works, but not yet finished...

A baby died

A family quietly cried
The father retreated
The mother was defeated
But what about his brother?
Did anyone see him suffer?

My heart is so very heavy
The tears fill my eyes.
the pain he has carried
is running through my mind.

How could I not see
it was impossible to ignore.
the burden that was his
the sorrow he endured.

How can I tell him
how can i make him see
That anger & regret
won’t ever change a thing.

Regret won’t change the history
Sorrow won’t rewind the time
Guilt won’t drown out the misery
In the end, we must resign.

A resignation of the anger & rage
Anything that will get us out of this place

Once we let go of all of our hate

There's more room for the things we appreciate!

Much To Learn!!!

I started on a new venture recently. It began with Facebook. I kept finding family & they kept finding me. Although not the most conventional way to get to know someone, when you have a family as big & as extended as the one I do, you work with what you're given. The Hewkos I have known are all the West Coast Hewko families. & some 15 years ago, I met many of our Canadian relatives. Along with being quite extensive, it can also be one big gossip & drama fest, of which I am definitely NOT a fan. Years ago, I took a sabbatical from the Hewko family for this very reason. Too much gossip & drama for me. I have slowly integrated myself back in from a distance.
Recently, with all the contact I've made & had with the family I've met, as well as the family I have yet to meet, I have become quite curious. Many questions have been posed by myself and others about the family. On a whim, and after much deliberation with cousins & second cousins, etc... I set up a group page for the Hewkos & their extensive family. One thing has led to another & now we're getting all sorts of information! I've been posting old family photos & in turn, others have begun to do the same. There are a few family trees going now too. One of my second cousins, Lynn, has been working on a Hewko family tree for over a decade! & another of my second cousins, Donna is also preparing a tree. The interesting thing is that Lynn is from California & Donna is from Canada. It will be curious to see if we get more of the Canadian take & more of the Californian take from them both.
& in this fashion, I have taken a note & started now to compile the information I have regarding the Gee/ Lee side of my family tree. My Grandmother had already done quite a bit of work on this subject & traced us back to China, Ireland & Australia on the Gee side. I need to find out more about my Grandpa Joe Lee's side of the family as well.
In the midst of all of this, there remains the mundane activities of everyday life.... work, more work, maybe some knitting, poetry reading or writing, book reading, cooking, working out, etc...

Recent Craft Projects

http://knitty.com/ISSUEwinter06/PATTcalorimetry.html

So here is my latest knitting project. I made a few of these head scarves for the Out of the Darkness Walk & then Pam suggested I make them & sell them putting the proceeds toward the cause. Many to make, but I am going to start.

Still Untitled...

Is there ever any end
to all these crazy questions?
Will I ever find the answers
to what I seek within?
I know my heart
yet I am still confused.
How do I get to the results
that will lead me to the truth?
The easiest thing would be
if I didn’t love him or didn’t care,
however, the reality isn’t such.
That is the reason I must beware.
I am beyond confused
and feel that I am bare.
Sometimes I get angry
I feel myself get scared.
Often I feel cheated
like the game was changed mid course.
It wasn’t what I expected
It has come up all too short.
The game has changed
and I’m not sure when,
it’s thrown me for a loop
and I’m not sure where it ends.
If I listen to the quiet,
if I drown out all the noise,
Can I get a clear answer
to my soul’s silent voice?
The only thing I am sure of
is I will not compromise my heart.
My beliefs are the foundation of my soul
and with them, I refuse to part.
These days I find myself lost in confusion
and constantly deep in thought
always coming up empty
in regards to the answers I sought.
I don’t have any regrets
I just don’t know which path to choose.
Regardless of the outcome,
someone’s going to lose.
I can’t stay here forever,
in this place of uncertainty.
Please help me find the guidance
that will bring my heart it’s peace.
I feel that I am growing,
accepting the changes day by day.
Learning to roll with the punches
learning to dance in the rain.
I am a work in progress
just trying to get by
wading through the bullshit
One day I’ll reach the sky!
I know the answers are there
I just have to continue the fight
One day soon I hope,
I’ll be basking in the light

A new day

I had so many thoughts going through my head this past few days. About life/ death/ joy/ accomplishment/ trial & error/ memories/ losses/ wins, etc... etc...

There are so many things that people take for granted! Dear God, I hope that I always remember how truly  blessed I am! You have put so many truly wonderful people in my life & there are just no words. I know people say to consider themselves lucky to count their true friends on one hand. I have that in spades! I am grateful beyond belief. May I always show my appreciation & make the most of every moment I have with my loved ones. Love, Jenn.

I suppose a good place to start would be by saying that, after some encouragement form Marianne & a few of my patients' parents, I have applied to be a volunteer advocate for the state of Washington for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. What this entails is lobbying with the state politicians, raising awareness, planning events, etc... I emailed my app yesterday, so we'll see what happens.

I find it interesting how many people have brought the subject up with me recently. I was asked why I am raising money for this cause & why it is so important to me. Well, the answer is pretty simple. Suicide is an ugly reality that occurs at an alarming rate. I suppose the cause hits close to home because, had I not had the people in my life that I did, it so very easily could have been me. Growing up, I often thought I wasn't good enough for anyone. I assumed I could never do anything right because I could never make my mom happy or proud of me. I figured that if my dad didn't even care enough to be around & since my mom shipped me off to boarding school & wouldn't let me stay home, why would anyone else want me or want anything to do with me. I had the courage to confide my thoughts & all to an amazing priest who helped me through my insecurities & self doubt, etc... I feel I owe it to myself to pay it forward, in  a sense. I am truly grateful that I am here today & wish for every lost soul that they find their self worth & their happiness. If I can be of help in any way, I am blessed & consider myself lucky. Now that you have the background, maybe it explains my connection with this cause.

On the same subject, I am already attempting to put a team together for the next community walk. Any & all are welcome! Strength in numbers, my friends! Please do your part!

Seattle Out of the Darkness Walk

Alright, let me just say that yesterday was fantastic! The Seattle Out of the Darkness Walk was pretty incredible. the count was 660 people who registered & checked in, plus at least 200 more. Let me just say that it is truly incredible to see a decent sized group show up to support such a great & much needed cause! The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has just recently opened a new Chapter here in Washington, which is totally awesome.I was honored to be a part of the event.

I was talking to Marianne, my boss' wife, today & explaining to her that there is only one volunteer in the entire state of Washington to advocate for this cause. Marianne thinks I should devote some of my time lobbying for this great cause. She believes that I could truly do some good by volunteering to lobby with the politicians and such. I really think I could do some good also. I am pretty determined when I am passionate about something.

Same topic, but a different side... I am starting now to raise money & get a team together for the next one! Any & all ideas are welcome. I've already got a few. Knitting headbands to sell/ putting a collection cup out @ work... The sky's the limit.

Seattle Out of the Darkness Walk at Green Lake Park

So far, this week has been busy. The most eventful part of the week is preparing for the Seattle Out of the Darkness Community Walk. The Walk benefits the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I think it is a wonderful thing to have a group that shows such an immense amount of support for suicide prevention & also for the loved ones who have been left behind.
I think that knowing someone either directly or indirectly who has been affected by suicide in some way, can change a person. I also think that them knowing there are people there for them can also save a life. The amount of suicides that take place is alarmingly high. It is said that every 16 minutes, someone commits suicide. Scary facts.
Something I'm not ready to go into detail about, but I have first hand experience on the subject.
I walk to show support for all the loved ones left behind & to help people realize there is always another option! Choose life!

Misunderstood

I go through my life

Doing what I feel I should;

Not caring about the fact

That I am misunderstood.

I've tried so hard

To justify what I do;

And people still think

I can't let go of you.

If I tried to explain it,

I don't think I could...

Maybe I'm better off

Just being misunderstood.

I love you more than ever...

That I won't deny;

As for living in the past...

That would be a lie.

Do I have regrets?

I don't see why I should.

Maybe it's just better

I remain misunderstood.

It would take a lifetime

To explain the things I've done;

So I'll just cut my losses

And remember what I've won.

I've learned from my life

More than I thought I would;

And that's why it doesn't matter

If I am still misunderstood.

I won't dwell on the past

Or spend my life on regret.

I am going to live my life...

For it's the only one I get.

I know my life will happen

Just the way it should;

So I will keep on living,

Even if it means being misunderstood.

I've gained knowledge.

I've gained skill.

I know how to focus

On what is real.

Even if our paths never cross again,

As I know full well they could;

That's just one of the things about me

That remains misunderstood.

I realize that,

Just like everyone else does.

But I choose to focus

More on our love.

The biggest thing that scares me-

As rightfully it should...

That bond so powerful,

That is often misunderstood.

If we don't spend

Our forever together,

That doesn't mean it wasn't real...

That kind of love lasts forever!

I hope against hope,

As rightfully I should;

Even though, even to me,

That bond is misunderstood.

I don't have all the answers.

I just hold on to the truth;

Even when that truth

Leads me straight back to you.

I just keep on living

My life the way I should;

Hoping against hope,

That bond won't always be misunderstood.

I know the possibilities.

I'm not going through this blind.

I have no false pretences.

I don't want to rewind.

I needed the time

To do what I could.

I still need time

And hope I'm not misunderstood.

I need time, just like you,

To do the things I haven't done;

To get to the end

Of this path I am on.

To do for myself

These things I should;

So that maybe part of me

Won't be misunderstood.

It's the only part of me

That absolutely no one can take.

It's the truest part of me...

The part I could never fake.

So I cherish this chance you gave,

As only you could.

I know in my heart

I won't always be misunderstood.

I have a certain faith

In this thing that I love.

It's all mine

To be proud of.

No one can take it away from me.

It's not something they should;

For it's my dream,

Even if it's misunderstood.

Maybe when this path ends,

You will then know what you want;

But I can't focus on that now;

I just feel I shouldn't.

I've got too much happening in my life right now

To be worried about " what could's " .

It's actually quite simple , you see.

I don't know why it's so misunderstood.

I won't chase after you this time.

It's something you must decide.

I know what I deserve

And won't be taken for a ride.

It's quite simple, as you can see.

There's not much room to be misunderstood;

This time around, I'm doing for me;

So that I can finally be understood.

Focus

Up until now, I've lived my life alone.

But I've had a taste of sweetness

When they came into my life.

For the one, as quickly as he had gone,

He was back.

I remember life without him,

Yet it's all become such a blur.

I think back to when he wasnt there

And try to remember what it was like;

And it just seems to make this time more dear.

I've learned to appreciate and love him more,

I've taken it all to heart.

And thank God for giving me the courage to make the start.

I saw in his eyes tremendous love and regret.

I wish I could ease his pain,

Yet all I can say is, " It's over." and "I cherish the chance we now get."

The other came into my life just as fast.

He taught me to trust and truly love,

Though at the time I did not see.

And even when I told him good-bye for a while,

He never ever left.

Sure he was gone in body,

But his soul was an indelible part of me.

The thought of him was with me every day.

And it made me realize in a different way

Just how much I need them both in my life.

These two are the dearest blessings God could have ever bestowed.

For I love them both with all my heart.

They've opened up doors and windows to my soul.

And helped me to be the person that I am...

Helped me to learn who I am and what is truly important to me.

The more I learn about them, the more I learn about me.

And this knowledge only increases the gravity and intensity of the love I bear for them.

As I looked for gifts for you this year,

I realized that nothing could ever express how I feel.

And I thought the best possible gift I could ever give,

Is the expression of love in my own words.

This is the only material thing that could ever come close to expressing what I feel.

For the both of us, guilt won't change the past.

What counts isn't what happened last,

But what we learned.

I learned that I am my father's daughter-

And I love him for that.

I wish him every happiness his heart desires,

And I promise to relish every moment we have-

Good and bad.

Because now that we have each other,

We can face it all together.

And wheatever differences we may have had,

We've worked through them all.

And I want you to know

I will always love you dearly

And Merry Christmas, Dad!

The Fight

We are the world.

We are the people.

If we don't fight,

Then who will?

Fight for what's right;

Fight for what's true.

When you do this,

People will always respect you.

They can say it's wrong.

They can say it's right;

But it won't matter

If we don't fight!

There are so many questions

That we may never know the answers to...

Just trust your heart,

And it will answer you.

Mistakes don't matter,

As long as you truly live.

Love your life...

It's all you have to give.

In the end, we're left with nothing,

From the world's point of view;

But you learn you make impressions

More by what you do.

Make your mistakes,

But open your eyes.

Don't go through your life

As if you were blind!!!

Procrastination

I've built a scyscraper

Out of procrastination;

Always excusing the fact

I haven't reached my destination.

This tower of doubt,

This tower of fear,

Hangs over my head

As I stand right here.

On the fifth floor

There's so much rage...

There's so much anger

In this heart's bitter cage.

On the eighth,

All I see is regret

At not knowing whether

This is the only chance I get.

From the tenth,

I take a look outside

And wish it were simpler~

An easier ride.

The twelvth floor stands tall,

Full of insecurity and doubt...

Not knowing what I'm doing;

Forgetting what life's about.

I've done it this time~

Made a mess out of life;

Caused so much heartache,

So much strife.

Give me a way

To tear down this tower.