Your papa asked me yesterday what it's like to have you growing inside me. I think about it often, but didn't know he was interested. Let's see how well I can express this...
At times, I am completely overwhelmed by the thought of you. When I feel you moving, it's like no other feeling. It makes me happy, because it eases my mind to know that you must be happy and healthy to be so active. =) I am in awe of the thought of you... so precious & unique already. I smile because I just feel that you must be so in tune with us already. A good example of why I say this is because, it's almost like clock work, especially on the days I work. Our routine in the morning is to hit the snooze once or twice & once that alarm goes off, it's our cuddle time with your Papa. You don't usually begin moving until he cuddles us. I imagine you are giving him a fist bump or 2 every time. Then, there are the days like today & yesterday where I told your papa you were moving & he comes over & you abruptly stop with the movements, almost as if to assert that you already have a mind of your own. It's almost like you are playing a game with your Papa... 

You never cease to amaze me! Yesterday, I can't get over how different your movements were. It was very much like you were having a lazy day. No sudden/ sharp movements, just really slow & drawn out ones, like you were stretching, ALOT!!! =) Peanut, I love you! Off to our birthing class.

Firsts...

Peanut, your papa felt you move for the first time 2 days ago. He initially thought your movements were my intestines/ bowels. Then, yesterday, you gave him a really strong movement that he couldn't mistake. =D He knew it was you! Then, this morning, I know most people think I;m crazy, however, I am convinced, you know what's going on. You weren't moving until Papa said good morning to you by placing his hand on my belly. He felt you move again. =) I say you were giving him the fist bump, letting him know you are aware of him. You amaze me more & more with each passing day!

Gratitude Journal Continued...

20.) Tena: You are a beautiful & incredible person inside & out. I truly enjoyed getting to know you working beside you. You inspired me to be better every day in both my professional & personal life. Iam grateful we got to know each other while you lived here & only wish we lived closer. Next to Marishka, you are most definitely one of the best friends I have here on Whidbey. 

21.) Heather: It makes it bearable that you break up some of the stupidity next to me daily at work. I love you for that! I enjoy sharing stories with you & food & also our adventurous hike... I think about it often. We should do more of that in the future. ;)
22.) Dayna: I love you so very dearly! 2 decades I've known you & never could I have imagined how close to my heart you have become. I admire your independence & your strength of character & strength of spirit. The past year, I have grown to love you as a sister & I have enjoyed every minute we've had the opportunity to spend together & our conversations have warmed my heart beyond words. Your encouragement on this fantastic journey of a lifestyle change & self rediscovery have been so very appreciated & have kept me motivated.
23.) Corrina: You know, ever since you invited me to your home for the holidays, I felt a connection to you.& people thinking we were sisters to this day, makes my heart smile. You are someone I look up to for inspiration. I know I can always count on seeing a positive quote or thought on your facebook page. :) You inspire me to be a better person & to never forget to embrace life in every way I possibly can. I cherish our friendship, no matter how long it's been since we've been together. I look forward to our next reunion, which I think should be soon!!!
24.) 

New Goals

Alright, I have new goals set... I was inspired by a picture I saw today... I am going to work on a "Gratitude Journal". Every day i am going to write about the things I am grateful for. & I will start today. So terribly sorry if I bore anyone.

MY GRATITUDE JOURNAL
God, of course is at the very top of this list. You provide in so many ways that I don't even know where to begin. I feel like you have given me more than I deserve & I will never be able to show you the depths of my gratitude. You have blessed my life with so many incredible people & the journey I have had has taught me so much about myself & has helped me appreciate the things I have & the people you have put in my life. I know that everything happens for a reason, even when I don't understand it & knowing that helps me deal with the  tougher things that cross my path. May I always remember that the more difficult things are put there to make me stronger & I only hope that I can live my life the very best way I can to make you proud. May I never take for granted the life you have given me!

1.) Peanut: I can't wait to see what the future holds for us! I love you more with each passing day & I haven't even held you yet. I can't even imagine! & you have no idea how much you are already loved by oh so many amazing people!

2.) Mike: Life is funny & I love you! I am grateful that you are in my life. You reminded me of the fight & strength I forgot I had. You add all sorts of layers to my life that I never knew existed. You taught me the difference between loving someone & being in love. ♥

3.) Shilo: No matter what, you will always be my sister. You are a beautiful & amazing mom & you have inspired me in so many ways. You have believed in me when even I didn't believe in myself, you have loved me  & supported me through some of my worst & best times. There is no one like you! We have laughed & cried together. I thank God for you every day & if I don't tell you enough, I love you & appreciate everything about you & everything you have done for me! ♥

4.) Rick: Growing up, although we weren't close in age, I looked up to you & as time has gone by, I have learned that , even if we aren't that close, you love me like a brother should & have always tried to mediate, in your own way between mom & I.

5.) Mom: although we have had our many differences & fights & everything in between, I now know you always loved me & always did what you thought was for the best. I have an appreciation for the fact that our relationship dynamic has changed & I am happy for that.

6.) Dad: I am grateful for the times we spend. I love you & hope you know that!

7.) Erika: Soul mates on so many levels! I am beyond grateful we connected & excited that we have such a connection. I am thrilled we are on the same journey with our lives... Parallel lives in so many ways. ;) I love you & only wish we lived closer!

8.) Pam: You add so much to my life, from amazing friendship, to great massages, to fantastic company & conversation & advice. You are just a one of a kind & I would miss you if you weren't in my life! I so love our massage trades & our crazy antics & am beyond excited to be on this MonaVie journey with you too! & I also can't forget, I am grateful for your amazing Green Chile Stew!!! Totally rocks!

9.) Kari: It still makes me laugh to think how when we first started hanging out, you told me I was so inspiring to you. You inspired me the moment we first began talking in depth. You gave me so many reasons to be grateful & to continue my life's journey. To see how you handle so many things & all with such grace & no complaints! You are a constant reminder that god will not give anyone more than they can handle & I admire your strength! I am still in awe of you! I love you & can't imagine my life without such a wonderful person!

10.)  Chey: Sweet, sweet girl! You came into my life in such a unique way. I think God knew we needed each other to some degree. You mean the world to me, dear friend. I cherish & miss our coffee dates. I only wish we met sooner & that you still lived close by... ;) Also, I am grateful to you for the inspiration on a certain process of putting into words the things I value, whether they be related to people or just things in life, in general. My lists have continued to change my life. We must chat soon & I'll tell you all about it! Love you!

11.) Erin: Never could I have imagined 2 or so years ago that Jacinta introducing us would be such an incredible blessing in my life. You are truly a one of a kind & I never thought for one second until recently that we could have so much in common. Our talk the other day gave me a whole new perspective to who you are as a person & not just as a business woman. I have the utmost respect for you on all levels & truly look to you as a role model for the kind of mom I hope to be. The morals & values & thoughts on those subjects in addition to religion & business & family & life are all things I think of when I think of family & the way life can be. Your giving nature is admirable. Thank you again for your time!!! I can't wait to get to know you better! Incredibly inspiring  keeping me motivated every day!

12.) Amanda: Miss Amanda, you know I love you! You kicked my ass into gear without even realizing it. If it weren't for you, I would have lost the 90 + lbs I have & been so focused & determined to live healthier & achieve the things I want for my life. I wish you could truly know what it is you did for me! You are like a little sis to me & I am grateful we can be on this journey together! To our future!!! ALL of us!!!

13.) Dr. Nash: You put up with all my craziness & my bluntness & you accept me for me & don't care that I may step on your toes a time or 2. You handle it quite well, especially after hearing everyone say that you are so set in your ways & I take you out of your comfort level so often. I love our talks, both work related & life related. You are inspiring on so many levels. I have the utmost respect for you as a boss. & I truly believe that you emulate the kind of family life & professional life I want to have, always. Genuine, honest, caring, compassionate, good natured, comical, and you take everything in stride.

14.) Marianne: You are amazing! I have come to know you as not only a boss, but as someone so level headed & full of wisdom & advice. You are always supportive & non judgemental. You are good natured & comical. I hope to be the kind of mother you are & I value your friendship & thank God for putting you in my life. The most saintlike people/ family I know! You don't have to "practice" your religion, because you live it every day! inspiring on that religious & moral level too!
15.) Xarisa: You knew me at a low point in my life & I am glad you moved back to get to know me now. I am excited to be on this journey with you in all regards, most especially the schooling & our new journey! Here's to success in every aspect of our lives... & our dream/ vision boards! Love ya!
16.) Deva: =)Not even sure where to begin. I love how in tune to me you are & how before I had told anyone, you just knew some big changes were ahead of me! I still smile thinking about that post you made on Facebook. Peanut has already changed my life in oh so many ways & I am grateful to have a friend with so much wisdom & GOOD advice to offer! Your words have helped center me & find my inner calm. They have helped me realize how much of a blessing in every way this pregnancy is & how much of a miracle every child is. Because of you, I listen to Peanut & my body & I take time outs & do what it is I feel is needed. I am at peace with everything about this beautiful pregnancy. I wish we lived closer still... or that we would have made more coffee/ lunch dates before you moved back to California. However, I am grateful for the times we did have & that we are still in touch.
17.) Marishka: You were truly my first & best friend here on Whidbey. I felt a connection to you on so many levels. =) I have enjoyed all of our family talks & work talks & the camaraderie we share at work with all of our jokes. I am grateful beyond words that the professor & Marianne hired you back!
18.) Shalie: You were such fun to get to know & I loved working with you & hanging out with you outside of work too!. I only wish we started hiking sooner or that you still lived near by. I also enjoyed our painting excursions & who could forget the night of packing before you moved... :'( You are missed & I can't wait to see you again & also to come visit!!! It will happen!
19.) Paula: Oh Paula, how I miss you! When I first met you, I would get so frustrated at your lack of organization & timeliness... then, I decided to use it to my advantage & the rest is history... ;) You know I love you & miss you terribly! I have such great memories of us laughing at random crap during work & always the back & forth with us... You most assuredly kept me on my toes. I am grateful for the opportunity to work with you & most especially to get to know you. I can't wait for you to be back on this side of the globe!!! XOXO

I believe...

... that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.
... that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
... that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
... that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
... that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
... that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
... that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
... that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
... that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
... that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
... that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. 

... that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
... that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
... that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
... that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
... that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
... that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
... that no matter how badly your heart is broken, the world won't stop for your grief.
... that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
... that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
... two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
... that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
... that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
... that credentials on the wall do not necessarily make you a decent human being.

... that family is the most important thing in the world.

... that truly learning about other cultures is an awesome gift.

... that nothing sounds better than laughter.

... that kissing in the rain is totally overrated.

... that people may look down on me because I like to have a good time, but at least I'm not sitting at home missing out on life.

... that you should be as generous as you can afford to be, because there are so many people in the world who have nothing.

... that a smile can open so many doors.

... that my life will straighten itself out someday soon.

... that only we can limit ourselves.
... that where there is a will there is always a way, so long as you believe it.
... that perseverance and determination can get you farther than you ever imagined possible.
... that everything happens for a reason, even when we may not understand it.
... that God always answers our prayers! He sometimes says no, or not right now, but that it's always best.

... that no matter how much you love someone, sometimes it will never work out.

... that missing someone you will never see again gets harder with time, rather than easier.
... that the people you care about most in life are usually taken from you too soon.

Life is Strange & Full of Surprises

So, Peanut, your mom is always so full of wonder. I am truly in amazement at how people have told me that having a baby of my own would change the dynamic of the relationship I have between myself & my own mother. It truly has. You have brought some sort of strange understanding to us. I was talking to her yesterday & came to a realization about many things. First, I am like her in some ways. After years of thinking I had to be switched at birth because I saw more similarities between myself & people who weren't actually blood than I ever did with her. She was commenting on how no matter how bad things ever got, especially with us kids, she always saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, there are still many ways in which things haven't changed. We were discussing names & I mention that if you are a boy, you will be Xander Joseph & if you are a girl, you will be Miya/ Meya Soleil. She proceeded to tell me that she hopes I have a boy because she doesn't like the name Soleil. She is concerned about the "lack of a saint's name" I explained to her that first off, Miya/ Meya is derived from Michael which means "like God" & Soleil means "Sun". There is a saint Solange & also I googled Soleil as a saint's name & it came up as a saint in Haiti. have to look into it further, but, maybe that will ease her mind... :) either way, It made me smile to know that I made her think a little. I gave her a little food for thought by saying that every name, even those of saints started out by being just another name... & Peanut, I love you!

Announcing A Little Bean

Just the other night, I finally told everyone else about you. It was pretty crazy how many people commented. It struck me funny that my massage therapist friends commented on your hand picture. =) Maybe it's a little insight into what potentially lies ahead for you... I know it will be in your blood, just look at your Mama. Pam also commented that you were already so loved & she is right! ♥ You have impacted my life more than I could have ever possibly imagined.
Last night, your Papa made us Steak. I felt like I was at Outback Steakhouse... We had Broccoli, Baked Potato, & Steak.


... old post that never got published.

Focus On The Finer Things...

God has blessed me with some pretty great attributes. I would not change a thing about the life I have had. If I changed anything about my life, I wouldn't be the person I am today. My stress levels have dropped drastically since Saturday & my little reminder. Thank you, God, for all your many blessings.

Now on to the more serious subject. I see a person who I love beyond words & he is an amazing person. I see him going deeper into himself because he has chosen to waste his life. He sits in the house all day, & doesn't even bother to make an effort to get a job, even when people have given him ideas & tried to help him. He always has some sort of excuse. Then he says I am the one who told him to not look. First off, what I told him was that he deserved to have a little time to gain his bearings & figure out what he wanted to do. He has preached about others who have taken advantage of me, yet, he is now making no attempts himself. I am concerned because his only social activity is facebook... ALL DAY! He is completely addicted. He doesn't see a problem with it & says I must not love him for who he really is if I am annoyed that he spends so much time on the computer.

Chance Encounters...

As chance would have it, yesterday turned into a lovely day. I went to Washington Park. I got to read & write a little, plus enjoy the beautiful loop. I jogged part of the way. On my walk, I also met up with, I believe his name is Peter.... the City of Oak Harbor employee who helped us in our accident last week. I spent quite a few hours there &, in the process, saw the makings of a wedding... I got to drive around & look at houses for a bit. Most especially, I got to spend some quality time with you. =) ♥ I got frustrated at your Papa because I invited him & he said he didn't want to come. Then, he says alone time is good to help calm & center me. I took offense & got irritated because I invited him with me & it was like the glass just became overfilled & everything he did irritated me.. not specifically from yesterday, but just everything... beginning with him telling me in one breath he knows he needs to grow up & then in the next breath being completely immature about something that I had nothing to do with. I became irritated @ the fact that he tells me how bored he is constantly, yet he hasn't really made any attempts to find many job prospects or drop off resumes/ anything else. The total icing on the cake, the part that made my blood boil is that I don't care that he doesn't have a job. I care that he sits there & lectures me on how messy I am, yet he's home all day & I come home to an even bigger mess & he doesn't do anything about it except ask what he can do once I am almost finished. I work all day & then come home to more work.  I felt almost guilt for being upset. Like my thoughts & feelings weren't justified. Your Papa already sees his time on the computer as being completely different than sitting in front of a tv or a video game.It took me back to my former marriage for a inute & I became resentful. He tells me I can't be that tired & things like how can I be acting/ walking that funny because it's not like they drew a gallon of my blood or anything.
My frustration comes from the fact that I believe your Papa has a true addiction to the computer. He says it is his only interaction because he doesn't have any friends he can hang out with or talk to... another reason why getting a job is a good option. However, anytime I suggest something, he shoots it down. For instance, I suggested Safeway... they have benefits & they are hiring & they also pay extra for holidays/ weekends, if I remember correctly. Of Les Schwab or Home Depot. All these suggestions he shoots down for one reason or another. I have been fairly exhausted & apparently it is showing. I had several people Friday tell me I looked exhausted.
@ the end of the day, I was able to remember all those things I am grateful for & also to remember that I cannot control others on any way, but I am completely responsible for us... that is, you & me, Kid. I am responsible for how I react to any given situation & I can only control my actions/ reactions. Allowing myself to be so dependent on someone else takes away your rights to a happy & loving & peaceful growing time. You need as many positive energies as I can pass along to you. That is exactly what I intend to do. I promise to give you all of me... & the very best of me that there is. This means that despite others, I continue to listen to my heart  I continue to learn & embrace life the very same way I have been living for the past several years. Drawing all things positive from every experience.
As for your Papa & I, we are will figure this out. I love him & I know he loves me. & today, since I adopted my forgotten outlook again, things have been pretty good. I got up & made breakfast... Cinnamon Rolls & an Egg Scramble with Broccoli, Potatoes, & Cheese. This afternoon I got a little light headed because I forgot to bring any snacks to work with me, but I snacked on a noodle soup & a Honey Crisp Apple. Honey Crisps are some of my favorite apples. It was so crunchy & juicy! It wasn't exactly organic, but next week, I'll have to go to the co-op &/ Trader Joe's.

First Meet...

So, Thursday we first got to meet when I heard your heartbeat. It was the sweetest thing I've ever heard! Yesterday, we got to meet you. We had an ultrasound done... & there is only one of you. Your Papa got to see more of you than I did. =) He was pretty excited about it. He said you were going crazy & then you'd all of a sudden just peter out & nap & a few seconds later, you'd be @ it again. ♥ On to other news, on the same subject, we have officially made it through the first trimester. Congrats baby! We haven't been doing too bad. From what I understand, the majority of women get morning sickness that can last from nearly immediately all the way through the first trimester & sometimes through some of the second. You were most gentle with your Mama. I thank you for that. The only real bout of nausea or vomiting occurred when I didn't eat enough. My sense of smell can really get to me at times though. In the store today, in fact, I had to stop, because I was gagging. There was something that was horrific smelling. So, besides the exhaustion & the extreme boob soreness, I've been in pretty good shape. That is why I say thank you for being gentle on your Mama. I love you. =) ♥

So Much Goin' On...

There's just so much going on! I apologize it's been a while since I have written/ blogged. We were in an accident on Sunday. I can't even really say what happened. I just lost control of the car & we ended up in a ditch. It has been a fairly hectic & stressful week, which you above all, should know that your Mama has been trying to keep to a minimum.


So, I checked this morning to see if there was any chance of getting in to see Lisa Litton, the ARNP/ Midwife early. Since your Papa isn't working again, it made it a lot easier for our schedule, anyways. They had an opening today @ 2. We just got back & all I have been able to think about is the sound of your little heart beat.... Do you know, there is nothing like it. Lisa's guess of how far along I am was at least 9, maybe 10 weeks, which was what I was saying just the other day... that I could be as much as 10 weeks as of last week. Hearing your heart just made this all so much more real than it already has been. I will attempt to describe the way I am feeling. First & foremost, I am relieved that you were not harmed in any way from the accident the other day. Next, I am reassured that you are every bit as strong as I imagine you to be, & more! I am more in love with you than I ever thought possible.


Tomorrow, we go to have my blood drawn & to have an ultrasound done. =) The CMA/ Nurse who sat us, she attempted to draw my blood & I told her she would most likely have trouble. Sure enough, she decided after the 5th attempt to have me go to the lab at the hospital. There is a phlebotomist there who is the only person who has ever got your Mama in under 3 tries. If today has been made this incredible by being able to hear your little heartbeat, that your Papa describes as sounding like a choo choo train, I can't begin to imagine what tomorrow is going to be like. I love you, Baby, with all that I am!

Descriptions

Describing how I am feeling... last night, I felt a little like I was having my period... No cramps, just feeling bleh. Today, I feel pretty good. Energy levels seem to be pretty good today, so maybe the rest I got yesterday did us good? That's what I am going with. =)

Today is a glorious day with loads of sunshine. I am on lunch & going to sit outside & read for a bit. Watermelon & iced coffee in hand. I must say that I recommend the book Magical Beginnings, Enchanted Lives by Deepak Chopra to all pregnant women & anyone interested in eventually having children. It is an amazing book.

I just told your Uncle Richard about you. He said congrats. You'll learn he is a man of few words. I know he loves me, but he gets his communication skills from both our mother & father &, well, let's face it... neither one of them is very good on that department. Your grandma is great at communication if it is constructive criticism, otherwise, not so much. Your grandpa can act interested when he chooses, however, it is all on his time. I love them all dearly & just accept them for who they are. It makes things a whole lot easier that way. In life, that is what I think you need to do to be happy & get by. I think we too often try to make everyone fit into this cookie cutter mold of what we think. By doing this, we sell people short. We take away the very things that make them unique in the first place. Instead of trying to make them fit in this cookie cutter mold, we need to allow them to be who they are & appreciate them for their individuality. If we can't do this, then we just need to let them be, instead of trying to take their uniqueness & individuality away. I just went off on a tangent. I am totally distractable today.

Another one written September 6, that I forgot to publish.

Doctor Appointments

Last night I got a little attitude with your Pop. I mentioned the doctor again as the appointment is scheduled today & how I wish he could come so if they planned on doing anything invasive, he could be there. Then he snaps off like we had discussed it already & I was going to cancel it until he could be there. When we discussed it last week, I thought we had agreed I would keep the appointment & do a meet & greet to see if I even wanted to use him for our doc. & if he intended on doing anything like an ultrasound, then we would reschedule that. The other part of the problem I see now is that he still hasn't even figured out what his schedule is, so how the heck am I supposed to reschedule?


“Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.” ~ Deepak Chopra


Love that quote! It means that I attracted you into my life. My life was in need of you & that makes me happy. The bond we are creating is an incredible thing. The bond between you & your Papa & myself. I love you & all you have already brought & will continue to bring to my life. I only hope I can be the mom you want & need me to be.


Forgot to publish this last week, apparently.

Last Weekend

I call this the last weekend because beginning tomorrow, your Papa is officially back to being among the employed. I also got a call back from Beth today about the house in Coupeville. She is going to talk to Paul to see about getting a more realistic hard figure for all monthly bills, not just rent.


So, on to more interesting topics... Today, you had me totally drained. Other than that, I feel pretty good though. I told your Papa today that if I could have anything it would be daily massages. My body aches like I've run a marathon or something. I could go for a nice big Greek Salad right about now. And maybe some Tzaziki & Potatoes.

Introductions...

Tonight, you were introduced to one of your Mama's all time favorite bands, Sister Hazel. They are a very grass/ blues oriented band. Great lyrics & melodies & just all around good fun. You were also introduced to a hobby of mine... Puzzles. This one is a good one for me. It's a mosaic puzzle of the world. It's a challenging one which your Mama needs. 


So, today we went to visit with William & have coffee down at his shop in Coupeville.  We had a nice visit with William & his lovely lady friend, whose name has completely slipped my mind. We talked about moving & children & how Langley was kind of like our Stars Hollow from the Gilmore Girls. We even spoke about homeschooling. It was a glorious day. We drove around looking for more houses, just like yesterday. Yesterday, we found a few nice places in Coupeville. One was in Admiral's Cove, the other was just down the road from the coffee shop. The one we looked at today was an old school building. It's pretty cool. 


Today was a bit different from the usual. Let me see if I can explain. Your Papa tells me he loves me every day. He also tells me I am beautiful every day. Today it was different because he actually showed me he thinks I am beautiful & not just said it like it was a programmed response. He kissed me like he meant it. I loved every second of it. =) Tonight, your Papa also told me he loves me for me & that I make him want to be a better person because he says he thinks I deserve the world. Isn't he adorable?! I love him!!!


What would your Papa do without Facebook??? I think he might go insane.

And So The Journey Begins

Alright, so the first place we went seems pretty good. I was comfortable at Skagit Natural Family Medicine. Lisa Litton was the Nurse Practitioner/ Midwife we met with. I was able to ask her about the family health history, including me still being more overweight than I would have liked & also the chances of diabetes, etc... she was very knowledgeable & answered both your Papa's & my questions. She is totally for prenatal massage throughout & they don't offer pain killers at the clinic. They include the parents to be in the decision making process when it comes to anything like testing & birth decisions, etc... We have the option of doing a home birth or using the birthing center. Michelle Antonich is a Naturopathic doctor & a licensed midwife. We would get to know both of the ladies so that we were comfortable with them both. Your Papa said he liked the place & he was happy because he asked Lisa a question she hadn't been asked before. 


I will still go to the other appointment with the ob/gyn, however, if I am told to go with my gut, my gut tells me that I am not going to find someone who is open to the holisitic side of things the way I am. I am not ruling anything out yet either. I really wish your Papa could go with me, because I need his input too, & I am not sure if this appointment is just going to be a meet & greet kind of thing or if they are going to actually do anything, like an ultrasound or anything else. I suppose we shall see. In the meantime, I need to trust that my gut will tell me whether it's a good thing or it's a mistake.

Notes For A New Life

So, I have neglected to write/ blog/ journal for the past week or so, not because I haven’t had much to say. In fact, it has been quite the opposite. My mind has been racing with so many thoughts. First off, names. Your Papa & I have picked out a few names. If you are a girl, you are going to be Leora Yuna Lee. It means the bond of compassion/ light. =) With the parents you have, you most definitely need a good sound & strong name, but also one that might be a little more forgiving… meaning, you get stubborn from both sides, so a softer edge is definitely a good thing.. If you are a boy, your name will be Zander/ Xander Joseph Lee. If you are multiples of any kind, we have talked about a few other names, but haven’t wholeheartedly decided on any of them yet. We have spoken of Teagan/ Tegan & Dante/ Dontae. Your Papa at one point brought up Libbi and Mena. I personally really like Lena too, however I am not too sure about what the meaning is yet. Meaning is everything.


I am daily overwhelmed with thoughts of you. What you will be like when you are born. I have no doubt that even your Papa & myself don't quite know what is in store for us when it comes to you. You are going to be very conscious & fully aware so quickly. of this I am certain. I can't wait to see how much you teach us. 

I digress. Let me see if I can sum up all the things that have been going through my mind lately. I have been so nervous. I mean all I think about is you & wanting to give you the very best life has to offer. The past few days, I have been researching different types of births & healthy diet options & stuff like that. Your first appointment is scheduled with Dr. Robert Rosenfeld. He is the doctor who helped Marishka & Jeff through her pregnancy, & since I trust Marishka & we have quite similar ideas when it comes to family, I figured he would be a good starting point. I also set up an appointment at the Mount Vernon Birth Center for a tour & to meet with a midwife there. From her about me section, it almost seems like she may be the way I want to go. She is a naturopathic doctor & a licensed midwife. She studied @ Bastyr, so I am confident she will at least be on the same page with me when it comes to the more holisitic approach to things. I did contact my insurance & they cover prenatal & postpartum appointments other than the $30 copay. For the delivery, it’s a $200 copay/ 5 day max plus having to meet the $500 deductible & the 20% coinsurance.

Bittersweet moment. Your Papa just got a job at the Penn Cove Shellfish plant. I am happy for him, but he is now unable to come with us to our first appointment. I am not sure if I can do this alone… BUT, I am not alone. You are a part of me & if I just stay in tune with you & go with my gut, all will be fine.

In the meantime, I am going to stay as relaxed as I possibly can. Your mom has a girlfriend whose name is Deva. She is a wonderful lady, both inside & out. She has an incredible intuition & she knew something was happening to your mama. =) When I told her, she was surprised @ just how right she was. She has been such an incredible help to me. She has offered the wisdom she has from her own personal experiences & she has given your Mama a moment of Zen, as you would. I was freaking out over how overwhelming everything is. & you will learn this about me, but I like to anticipate everything, so having so much info flood my mind at once just made me a little crazy. I needed someone to step in & calm me & reassure me & she did exactly that at just the right moment. 

I told your grandma almost a week ago & all of a sudden, she's been calling me more often. Your grandma, she's a character. She has some very strange views & ideas. I love her, however, we have never had the very best of relationships. I think, to some degree, I will always be a bit of a disappointment to her. I was finally able to step outside of myself to realize that she genuinely wants what is best for me. Because of this, I can overlook her constant criticisms.

Yesterday, I was telling your Papa that I don't think that even we have the slightest idea of what you have in store for us. You are going to be so bright & beautiful & amazing, both inside and out, of this I am certain. =) I was showing him the Your Baby Can Read Series Commercial & a 12 month old who was reading & understanding & he got excited about it.

Let's see. What else has been going through my mind??? I wish that I wasn't so confused about the things I am feeling. I usually have no problems telling people what I think or how I feel, however, for some reason, I am having the worst time sorting out my emotions & thoughts & feelings. It frustrates me. Your Auntie Shilo says it's the pregnancy hormones as do multiple others.

I have been talking so much about being positive, especially since I am certain that energies are passed between people & things. I can only imagine how much greater the energy is between you & I since you are literally a part of me. I bought this book called "A Holistic Guide To Pregnancy And Childbirth: Magical Beginnings, Enchanted Lives". It is incredible so far. I began reading it out loud yesterday for all of us, your Papa included. He says he likes it so far.

The Beginning of the Rest of My LIfe

Today marks the beginning of the rest of my life. I will not dwell on or live in the past. I will remember my mistakes only to serve as a reminder for what not to do in the future & also to appreciate the things I accomplish that much more. I will be grateful for every day that I am given & I will make the most of it. I have no idea what lies ahead for me. I will not lie. I am terrified right now. Sometimes I feel so completely alone in this. Today should have been a good day. I am completely frustrated that I am having so many emotions go through my mind & sometimes all at once. & I feel at times I am alone in this because I get emotional or overwhelmed with something & no one seems to get it or understand what I mean. I would really just like someone to temporarily take the reins & tell me to relax & it will be okay. I suppose I am feeling like I need some reassurances of my own. Don't get me wrong, the boy is pretty wonderful, most of the time. He gets in these moods & I just feel like I'm all alone & like he'd rather be elsewhere. It seems as though he'd rather be on his phone or in the bedroom or on the computer... anywhere where I am not. Maybe I am just that difficult. I know I frustrate him because I don't share his zeal on certain subjects. I have tried to explain to him that just because I don't spend as much time on it doesn't mean I don't believe it or I think he's crazy. I tried to explain to him that I just prefer to focus more on the present instead of the what ifs. The way he views my nonchalance to his subjects about sums up how I feel when it comes to this life inside me & how he views us right now. I am so beyond terrified & I worry about am I eating enough/ am I eating the right foods/ if I'm throwing up, what kind of nutrition is the baby getting/ since I am overweight still, is that going to make it more difficult for this baby or theses babies to grow healthy without complications/ & the list goes on & on...
So far, I have discovered that I only puke when I haven't eaten enough or I take my vitamins on an empty stomach, so I think morning sickness hasn't hit yet or isn't going to. Hoping for the latter.
I will do my very best to make this the healthiest & best pregnancy I can, so we can all have a great experience.

New Adventures...

Dear God, It's just me again. It's been a while & I am terribly sorry about that. I think way more often than I write these days. It seems as though I am on a new adventure. The biggest, most life changing one yet. I peed on 3 sticks & they all came back positive...
I have started a journal for the little one/ ones. It may be interesting to see what crazy thoughts are going through their mom's head.
I am up for simplifying my life, a mini detox, as you will. On that note, I WILL be attempting yoga real soon! Just not today... I am utterly exhausted.

Lessons in Life

This afternoon was bittersweet for me. I am so completely relieved about the divorce being finalized. I was hoping to hqve someone to celebrate with, yet, the one I love is going through a bit of a rough day. A friend of his died & it hit him pretty hard. I didn't know her or of her or anything of their friendship, so I didn't have a clue as to what I ought to do. I felt completely helpless. I tried to imagine what he was feeling & realized that I am built differently from most. My emotions are kept in check more often than not. I express sorrow, but it doesn't paralyze me as it does many.

Confusion Written June 17, 2011

My mind is flooded with thoughts that I need to attempt to put in words to see the picture more clearly. I am madly in love with a man who I adore & want to spend the rest of my life with. We have been talking about marriage and a future together. We have been talking about a family. All the things I have ever wanted, I found in him, when I wasn't even looking. The past I'd say month has been like one giant roller coaster of emotions. We both come with baggage... pasts that were far from perfect. I love & respect and appreciate him all the more after knowing where he came from. Against all odds, he is an incredible soul. He could have turned out bitter &  he could blame everything on his past, and resent the world, but he doesn't. He takes responsibility for his life. He is such a deeply devoted & caring person that it physically eats at him when things are not right & he doesn't know what to do.
Tonight, I am beyond confused about so many things. The only thing I am certain of is that I love Mike more than I have ever thought possible to love anyone.

A Step Back... from April 13, 2011

It's interesting to me that all these people come out of the woodworks when they weren't there before.

Written June 15, 2011

My heart is heavy today. I am confused about a few things. I am confused about how people can be so selfish & heartless to say mean & hurtful things to such incredibly good people. It makes me physically ill to see someone so kind be treated so bad. It's not right on any level. Why is it so easy for us to treat the people we claim to love so horrific? IT'S NOT OKAY!!!

Anonymous

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back"

Eleven Hints For life

Stumbled upon this today & I love it!


"Eleven Hints for Life"

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return.
But what is more painful is to love someone and never
find the courage to let that person know how you feel.

2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who
means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was
never meant to be and you just have to let go.

3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a
porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away
feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose
it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been
missing until it arrives.

5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an
hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it
takes a lifetime to forget someone.

6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth,
even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you
smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day
seem bright.

7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go,
be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and
one chance to do all the things you want to do.

8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it
hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.

9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck
a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may
heal and bless.

10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best
of everything they just make the most of everything that comes
along their way.

11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, ends with
a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone
around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die,
you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying. 

Freedom

So, I get home from lunch today & get the best gift anyone could have given me. My divorce has been finalized!!! I am over the moon excited. I was so relieved, I cried. Even though my marriage was over ages ago, I could not close the book because that one little paper that made the entire thing official hadn't come yet. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders like no other. I feel like I can truly breathe again. It is an incredible feeling!

Ties That Bind...

So, recently, I've had some very interesting thoughts running through my mind. A friend posed a very good question about what it is that is the most important thing in a relationship. I had several answers. The popular ones were: 4 people said communication, 6 people said honesty, 4 people said respect, only one person said faith & another said loyalty, & yet another said selflessness, in a nutshell or to nearly quote, putting the other's happiness first, & very few actually said love, which surprised me. Here's my spin on it. I think that the most important thing in a relationship is Love & that if you truly & genuinely love someone, respect, faith, trust, communication, loyalty, selflessness should all follow &, in my opinion, cannot be separated. As far as a relationship goes, I think the true test of any relationship is how well it stands up to trial & tribulation.... meaning that, can it weather a storm? Everyone likes to have fun, that's easy... What about when the going gets tough... do you stand together or do you fall? Things aren't always going to be easy. No 2 people will ever agree on everything. Is that a reason to give up & walk away or do you stay & figure out where the other is coming from. It can help a relationship grow stronger or it can break it. The choice is up to you. Love should make you want to be a better person, not only for yourself, but for the other person as well. You should be growing together, making each other better. Seeing the other one succeed should make you happy, not resentful or jealous. If your relationship doesn't do these things for you, it may be time to reevaluate... just my opinion though.
What is the tie that binds? is it your bloodline? Is it your beliefs? Is it something else?
Do you think people just get comfortable with what they have & become numb. Do they settle because it's easy? Is it fear that paralyzes them because they may not know what is out there or what they are capable of? I think there is greatness in all of us. We just need to know how to tap into ourselves & foster the self growth & improvement to get there.
Recently, I have been blessed to be a shoulder & an ear for a dear friend. She's another GI Jane. She was a Marine & now she's a mom. She's been going through some stuff in her life & is at a crossroads where she sees where she wants to be, but she isn't quite sure how to get there. I was able to offer whatever insight I had. Not sure how useful or helpful it all was, but hopefully she took what she could from it. I told her how therapeutic blogging was, if for no other reason than to get her voice out there & for her to maybe look at & find a new perspective on the situations she's trying to figure out. She is a great person so capable of many great things. She just has to see what we see in her. I have every faith she'll get there.

I'm Back...

I've been slightly distracted lately & haven't been blogging as I usually do. The distractions end & I am officially back. So much has happened & I don't know where to begin. Let me first say that I am in a healthy relationship with a man who is incredible in every single way! Mike is a wonderful man & I love him. I find myself more & more grateful every day that God has blessed me by allowing him back in my life after so long. I am thankful for his friendship beyond what any words could ever hope to express. He is an inspiration every day & my cousin Melissa couldn't have said it better... he makes me want to be a better person & do amazing things with my life.
On to those amazing things. Where to begin??? I am in the process of going back to school to continue my education. On the top of the list is the fact that I am going to get my diploma & I am going to become certified in Medical Coding & Billing. I have had several years of hands on experience, which is a definite benefit, however, I think it will be good to have a certification to take with me into my future &, if I ever need to, I have another option to fall back on. You know, looking back on my life, I wouldn't change a thing. I take it all... the good, the bad, the ugly, the strange, the happy, the sad... every bit of my life has helped shape me into the person I am today & for that, I am eternally grateful! God has blessed me with a life filled with some amazing experiences that  have helped to make me the person I am today. The person I am today... I am a girl with simple dreams & aspirations. I live my life to the fullest every day. I don't ever want to have any regrets about any of the things I have done. I try to look at every experience as a tool to learn from. If I fall down, I get back up stronger than before, knowing that I learned a lesson that may someday be prevent me from making a bigger mistake. If I achieve a goal, I have something to be proud of. At the end of the day, I know that it's just me & the person staring back at me in the mirror & as long as I can look that person in the face, I feel I am on the right path. The day I stop expanding my horizons & learning & is the day I will be disappointed & dissatisfied with myself.
Another amazing part of my life that I have not lost sight of... my healthy lifestyle changes. I am half way to my goal & it feels fantastic! It has me more motivated than ever to continue on this path & achieve my goal. I can't wait! In fact, I was telling a girlfriend that I even have a person that motivates me. She is, what I call GI Jane. She has it all... an incredible personality & she's beauty & brains! She is military... God Bless her! She is polite & gracious & beautiful & in the best shape! Her children are pretty great... always so polite. They are some of my favorite patients. Once I have reached my goal weight loss & I am really able to tone, I am making her my model. :) I may tell her so next time I see her.
Now that I've got you up to speed, I must end to get back to studying.

Richard Lee

Richard Lee

New Idea That I Love!!!

Getting there!!!!!

Untitled...

I think of my life
And must shed a tear.
God has truly blessed me
With the ones I hold dear.

My heart is so very full
And words could never express
This overwhelming feeling
That leaves me so helpless.

The people in my life
Are there by design.
God always has a plan
He keeps us in mind.

Our paths have once again collided
Fate's door was opened wide.
My heart jumped, my head followed
Without a thought of what he'd decide.

From that first day,
He spoke to my soul.
He encouraged my dreams
Showed me how to let go.

He showed me who I could be.
He reminded me of who I am.
I remembered what I'd buried,
I found my fight again.

He allows me to be vulnerable,
He only wants me to be me.
How quickly I have fallen
Like an anchor in the sea.

He's captivated my soul,
He has my whole heart in his hands,
He's more than I could ever ask for,
I thank God for this amazing man!
I love you, Michael William Kren! ♥

Fish Out of Water

Alright, so today was an interesting day. Cloud nine is dissipating as reality is setting in. I am steering blind. Up until now, I have always been in the driver's seat. With every relationship, I have been in control & in charge. It is strange, however, not necessarily a bad thing. I am thankful for the level of respect & complete honesty of this relationship beyond belief! It feels great to know that I can share my opinions & thoughts & actually get a response & vice versa. The level of respect just keeps increasing with every passing day. I love where this is headed & am excited to be on this journey.

A Fresh Start

Divorce papers have officially been filed! It is a huge weight off my shoulders. You know, I was recently asked if I had any regrets. My answer is no. I was also recently asked if I was still hung up on Dave. My answer is also no. The thing I have realized is that there is a monumental difference between loving someone & being in love. I absolutely can say with certainty that I loved Dave, but I was definitely not in love with him.  Do I have any regrets or would I change a thing? Absolutely not! If I change anything about my life, then I lose a part of who I am today.
On the same subject of fresh starts, This is something I haven't really been able to put into words or express yet, but I am going to attempt it. LOVE... yes, i know, but once again, I am going to try. I was asked if I was serious & what I was looking for. First question of if I am serious... YES! Absolutely! I have taken the plunge. I don't take this subject lightly & would never pull on anyone's heart strings for fun. Initially, I felt as though I needed to wait until I got all my shit together. By this, I mean finalizing the divorce & getting my high school diploma & getting to my healthy weight, figuring out exactly where I am truly headed. The thing I realize is that love just happens. it doesn't wait for when you are "ready". Somewhere down the line, between the focus on myself & getting back to me & obtaining my goals & making new goals, I fell hard & fast. Mike was completely unexpected. I had no idea I was going to fall for this man the way I have. He was my breath of fresh air. He gave me the push I needed in so many ways. He pointed out things I had forgotten & challenged me the exact way I need to be challenged. Most of all, he allows me to be me... unapologetically me with all my quirks & oddities. He has shown me unconditional love before he ever said the words. He gave me a comfort & peace I hadn't felt in so long. As for what I am looking for, I wasn't even aware I was looking. It just fell into my lap. That one act expanded my horizons again & made me realize that not only is it okay to be simply me, but I have more potential that I haven't even tapped into yet. I can reach beyond the stars & I can achieve anything I set my mind to. As for the second part of the question of what am I looking for? Nothing that I was aware of, but I found it anyways. A few months ago, I sat down & made a small list of things that I knew that I wanted when I was ready to move on. I will copy that list & post it here: Someone with strong moral & religious convictions. Someone who is honest & reliable. He must be trustworthy & open. He must be respectful & confident, faithful & kindhearted. He should be motivated & open. I think he should be someone who challenges me & gives me mental stimulation & who enjoys debate. He should appreciate me for me, not want to change me. He should be genuine & self sufficient. I want a partner, not a child. I want someone who appreciates life the way I do & who won't take anything for granted. I want someone who will encourage me not dissuade me from becoming a better person. In a relationship, I want someone who inspires me & motivates me to be a better person  & I would hope he would want the same from me. I feel that we should both be able to grow as individuals & as a couple. We should have similar interests to some degree... like being active & loving to learn & music & wanting to do things together. I want someone who is content to just be with me... whether its sitting at home talking & spending a quiet night together or going out. I want to know that I bring them the same peace & happiness that they bring to me. I want to feel safe, like no matter what life throws in our path, that we can handle it... TOGETHER! I want to know that they accept the things I believe & that they don't want to change my mind on those things. I think the occasional gift is nice, such as flowers or a romantic night out, but these things are just an added bonus. I think that they should show they love me & appreciate me every day, not just on a special occasion or holiday or anniversary.
Well, that's what I came up with thus far.
& now back to LOVE... You know, I was recently told that a part of me hadn't let go of my first love. Romantically, I had my closure, however looking back, I gave the relationship more power than I would have admitted previously. By this, I mean that in a lot of ways, I was always measuring my other relationships to this one. Years ago, I felt that this relationship was the most genuine & the most real & also that I didn't deserve to be loved so unconditionally, so, when I got into other relationships, I always set the bar for what I felt that I deserved. I was in relationships that were completely unhealthy. I was in mentally abusive relationships where the guy told me I was shit & he would openly cheat on me, telling me there was nothing I could do about it & I stayed in it because that was what I felt I deserved. I was in relationships for nothing other than spite & rebellion. Then I finally married, thinking that my idea of love was right & that there was no difference between love & being in love.
Enter Mike... I don't even know where to begin. We've known each other for quite some time, yes, however, we've only recently gotten to really get to know each other. In that time, I have grown by leaps & bounds as is obvious by everyone who sees me regularly. I can't pinpoint when or how things happened. All I can say is that I have fallen head over heels for him & that I am truly & madly in love with him! Something I realized today in talking to William, the lovely owner of the Local Grown Coffee Shop in Coupeville, is that for once in my life I am not comparing this relationship to anything in my past. It is now the bar for what I compare other things to. I didn't know it was possible to feel this deep or love this much.  This relationship is so different from any other in so many ways. First of all, Mike is the only person I have ever admitted I loved.I have told others I loved them, but not before they have said it first. Of course, I am terrified of all the things that this means... I have dove face first... leaped without the net. I have no idea what comes next, but I can say that I can see a future with this man! Whatever happens, I just don't want to have regrets. I don't have a clue where this is headed, but I want to get the opportunity to find out. I want to know that I truly lived & loved without fear holding me back. If I am reading the cards wrong & we aren't intended for each other, I know that any other relationship will be measured by the standards he has set. I will accept nothing less.
On a side note, Mike is also growing & changing is so many ways. He was accepted into school for Aviation Mechanics & now that he is actually there, I am so thrilled for him! I love seeing the changes in him. He is like a little boy with a new toy. Soo excited & it shows. I have no doubt he loves me, however, I do occasionally wonder whether I am good for him. I wonder if I am going to distract him from accomplishing his goals or whether our relationship is going to hold him back from some other great experience. He's going through just as many life changes as I am & I would hate to know that in some way I held him back. I suppose all this goes back to the jumping without the net. I know that he will always be open & hoenst with me & so, with that in mind, I lay my worries aside. I do know that we will always remain the best of friends if nothing else & that right there makes everything else seem so small.

Valentines Day

“Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.”
“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.”
“We seem to gain wisdom more readily through our failures than through our successes. We always think of failure as the antithesis of success, but it isn't. Success often lies just the other side of failure.”
"If not now, when?"
“Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.”
“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death”


So, as I sit this morning contemplating my day, I am filled with many emotions. I am happy! I see a whole new world ahead! Hopeful, terrified, blessed, loved, cherished, amazed, excited, nervous, silly, rejuvenated, challenged, & the list goes on & on. I am finally seeing what Shilo & a few others have been trying to tell me for years about love & falling in love. There really is a difference. I always thought that the mushy stuff was for first loves & people who weren't jaded by love. I have mistaken genuine love, as in friendship love, with actually being in love. The past month has been utterly & irrevocably one of the best I've had in a LONG time! Reconnecting with an old friend & getting to know each other all over again has been incredible. Mike has renewed the fight I had in me that I didn't even know I lost. He inspires me to reach beyond the stars & makes me believe in myself again. I know that I can do anything I put my mind to again.... something I forgot over the past few years. I became so consumed by work & what was comfortable that I stopped reaching for the stars. I became comfortably numb or immune. 
I've noticed through the years that I tend to detach myself so as not to get too involved or too close. Perhaps it's the survivor instinct in me that kicks in when I get too close or comfortable. It flags me & tells me that if I trust too deep or fall too hard or love too much or cry too often, that it makes me vulnerable to too many factors. I may never trust again or I may not be able to get back up or  my heart may be broken permanently or I may turn into a weeping, balling idiot, etc... Fear held my emotions in check, in a way. The interesting thing is, this time around, I am not afraid. It is a little scary, but even though I am scared, it hasn't held me back as it has in the past.  I think that is what makes it scary. I am a fairly cautious person & usually take things slow & weigh all my options & with this, there just didn't seem like there was even a choice to make. Things just progressed naturally. It was natural to just be together... to talk & joke & spend time & everything in between.
He seems to get me on a level that most others do not & hes not intimidated by me or even afraid to call me on my shit either. I love that.
I was encouraged to be my own person & make my own choices & think for myself & so much else. I am excited to see what is in store for us as a couple.
Two days after I began this post...

Recharging The Batteries

People who are tough to get along with are the sandpaper of life. They smooth out our rough edges to reveal the pearl inside. Show the world what you are really made of today!

Here I sit thinking about so very many different things. My heart is full & so happy it is almost overwhelming! I am realizing that I so desperately missed mental stimulation. I have had an endless supply for the past 2 weeks & it's like all I do is crave it! I have had such deep & meaningful conversations with several people & I LOVE IT!!!! 

Let me start by saying Leavenworth with my best girls was the MOST fantastic weekend!!! The best of friends & conversations & chance meetings with strangers. I have laughed so hard I cried, I have been serenaded, I have gotten to catch up with my beautiful cousin & friends. We all had such a glorious time, we have decided to make the trip again.

I have so many thoughts & ideas running through my head all I can say is that it's like I've got firecrackers in my head. So many sparks are being ignited that I am unsure where to begin & at times, the thoughts get all jumbled up or they come so quickly that I can't process my vocabulary quick enough so I end up stuttering. We had so many different discussions  & they are all still running through my mind. Everything from friendship to love, to marriage & children, then there was health related issues & locations & reunions & jobs. We covered all the bases. There were many little surprises along the way, such as missed flights & left wallets & bags.
Continued several weeks later...
The batteries have definitely been recharged, yet it is a little bittersweet. I sit here & blog thinking over the past month & how amazing this year has started out. The week before the birthday weekend was just the beginning for me of what was to come. I am convinced more than ever that everything happens for a reason. I see so many things in such a different light. I now not only say that I am alright, I know I am alright & I am going to make it.

Random Days & Providential Mishaps

So, yesterday was such an amazing day. I was informed it was a day about me, a day that we do whatever I wanted. So, we took a drive up Chuckanut. It was beautiful, of course. We made a few stops along the way to get some great photos.
... continued post several days later.
In any case, that day was the most unexpected & best one I've had in ages! I had the best of company & the greatest of laughs. Again, I was reminded of how much of myself I forgot. We stopped several times along the way to get some pictures. Mike decided he wanted to get some of me standing near the waterfall. There were two options: A.) Down & B.) Up. Option A looked pretty slippery & muddy. Option B looked  wet, but a little less slippery & muddy. I opted for the latter & let's just say, I ended up covered in mud & wet from the waist down. I haven't laughed so hard since I went out last with my girls in Coeur d'Alene. So much fun! In the way back, We went to Anacortes to get a picture of this old boat that has trees growing out of it. Well, mishaps were the theme of the day. We were about 2, maybe 3 miles out & noticed we had a flat tire. Thank God for Les Schwaab! They came to the rescue & I killed 2 birds with one stone. The tires were balding pretty bad & I knew I needed to replace them, so... 4 brand new tires were bought. We of course missed the picture of the boat, but it was still so much fun. & the looks I got were priceless. It's great to be able to laugh at yourself once in a while.

The New Love of My Life...

Alright, so I'll lay it down for you like this... Amanda's birthday was yesterday. The day before, I took her to get a pedicure. Every girl needs a little pampering for their birthday. Then, yesterday, Amanda wanted to have sushi for her birthday, so in good fashion, we went to the only place that has some pretty fabulous sushi. We went to Sakura. The sushi, in true form, was fabulous! Hence comes the new love of my life. They updated their sushi menu & so I decided to try the new item. This roll was INCREDIBLE! It is called a New Hawaiian Roll. It had Escolar & Kiwi & some other fabulous stuff in it. You know how women often say "who needs men when you have chocolate?"... well, "Who the hell needs men when you have a New Hawaiian Roll... or sushi, for that matter?" As we ate, the owner, a very pleasant looking, very well built gentleman, came to check on us & see how we were enjoying our meal & what brought us in. I explained that whenever I have a craving for amazing sushi, I always drive from Oak Harbor to eat there. Alex, as was the owners name, took it as a huge compliment & when I informed him it was Amanda's birthday, he wished her a happy birthday & before we left, they brought her a piece of Strawberry swirl cheesecake with a sparkler & a candle in it. We intended on doing karaoke, however when we got to the bar, we were informed they do it Tuesdays & Thursdays. Better luck on the karaoke another night. Tonight is going to be a chill night. A great way to spend a vacation.... that indeed, has been a vacation, despite a few incidences... which shall be brought up in another post.

Dirty 30!!!

I am not sure if I am supposed to feel any different, however, the only change I feel began a few days ago.My goal this year is to rediscover who I am. I think that through the natural course of events we call life, I got so focused on the tasks at hand that I lost sight of who I was and eventually was unable to recognize her anymore. There were faint shimmers of who she was but not enough to spark a flame, for me to say, "there you are! I missed you. Welcome back" My focus of this year is the new chapter of my life I have already begun. I will not allow myself to lose sight of those things that are ever so increasingly important to me. I will always appreciate my inner calm & foster it as a way of personal growth. I will surround myself with edifying people who encourage & inspire me to be the very best me that I can. I will make all my "somedays" happen today! We never know when we will get the chance if we wait. 30 for me is a new adventure & the best one yet! I am ridding my life of all the toxic waste in it... all the drama, all the people who drag me down, all the things that were the cause of me losing sight of who I am. I am going to continue to grow & change & appreciate everything & everyone who comes across my path. I will stop to smell the roses & I will learn who I am & grow with all the new things I allow myself to learn & be taught. The links on the chain have been broken & can't be reforged.

On A Roll

With this recent reminder that I am not a quitter, I am also beginning a new project... well, an old, unfinished project.. I am going to graduate! & by that, I mean high school. I pulled the paperwork out of the closet, dusted off the books & have begun to look through everything. I have contacted the school & found that I only have 5 more subjects to complete before I can graduate. I am on a mission!

Bonds

It is often said that love is the tie that binds. I believe the same can be said of friendship. I think that friendship is the true tie that binds. It has been said that love risks degenerating into obsession or becoming something unhealthy. Love can not only turn into obsession, but it can also turn to hate. With friendship, it is nothing more than the purest form of love, in my opinion. A true friend only ever wants what is best for you. They want to see you succeed & become the best you that you can offer to the world. Love comes and goes... or, maybe changes would be the better word, but true friendship lasts a lifetime & beyond.

When & why does love change? Is it because we change? Is it because we grow together or apart or not at all? When does the love become unhealthy? How do you determine if is has? Drawing on my own past experiences, I think that love is at the root of all true friendships & regardless of the outcome & how it effects or even affects you, true love & friendship will always want what is best for the other.

In a non romantic manor of speaking, does the same apply? I think it does. I think that if you love someone on any level, you are going to want that person to be the best they can. You are going to see the potential in them, even if they don't necessarily see it for themselves. I think that a true friend doesn't always do something only to expect something else in return. If you see a friend in need, the natural reaction would be to help them any way you could. No questions asked, you just help and be there for them. The particular situation I am discussing is a friend who has so much to offer the world but she is so bogged down with the weight of the world on her shoulders that she has lost sight of herself & her hopes & dreams. She is also going through a breakup which most people don't seem to understand. I have offered to have her come stay with me to regain her bearings & focus on herself for a while. Why would I offer this many people may ask. I suppose it is because I feel her pain & I know somewhat about what she is going through & the pain she is experiencing. I can relate. I also know that a little kindness can go a long way. I know that when I was in a tight spot, I found people who truly & genuinely loved me. These people banded together & helped me without question & when they knew I had nothing to offer them in return. I admired them & always felt that if a friend of mine was in trouble in any way, shape or form, that I would help them out in any way I could. Do I expect anything in return? Absolutely not! Only that she use the time to better herself. Of course, as I mentioned to her, it is partly selfish on my part. I will be glad to have an amazing friend here with me.

Speaking of bonds, the past year, I have been most fortunate to reconnect with some family that I don't recall ever having met in the past. With my cousin, from the moment we began getting to know each other, I felt like she was a kindred spirit. We have more in common every time I turn around & she has a  great deal of the same thoughts & opinions as I do. I believe we are truly connected on a spiritual plane in amazing way & that the more we learn about each other, the closer we grow. I am not one who trusts all too easily, however, with her, there was never any doubt & I immediately trusted her. I am so thankful for my cousin Erika because she is an amazing & beautiful individual who I cannot wait to get to know better as the time goes on!

Revisiting the Past

I am a ever changing & ever growing work in progress. I believe that, in some ways, I have come full circle, while in others, I am still attempting to navigate the ever so choppy waters. The difference between today & even just a few days ago, is that I have found that inner calm & peace that until now, I was only able to find when it snows.
I have accomplished much more over the past few days that I had since this project began & I am totally unstressed!
Here's to my someday! May you all have a someday full of hopes & dreams & promises... may you not only have all of them, but may you achieve them all as well!

Someday...

As I always seem to bring it up, it bears repeating again. God has truly blessed me with some amazing friends & family. I very recently reconnected with an old friend, & just when I needed it most of all. I have had in the pit of my stomach for weeks now that underlying note of being overwhelmed & being uncertain of so many things. Let me clarify that I am still not certain of a lot of things, however, I was reminded that I am a fighter & I don't ever give up.
I don't want to be a bystander for my own life. I won't keep saying "someday" & continue to let life pass me by. Only I can make my life happen the way I want it to & that is exactly what I intend to do. Beginning today, I am making my someday happen! One step at a time & never giving up is the key to reaching all my dreams & I am more determined than ever.

Snow

I just can't say enough how much I love the snow! The snowfall brings me such a serenity that I cannot describe. It helps me find a calm within that truly allows me peace.
In addition to the current snowfall, I also had some much needed catch up time with the lovely Dayna. =) ♥ She is such an amazing friend & one of my heroes. We chatted about life... about the past, present, & future. I look forward to many more years of a continuously growing friendship & whatever else life might have in store.
On a totally unrelated subject, in the midst of all the chaos of the day, I still get bright spots that show through & shower me with frequent reminders of how much I love my job. =) I have a few patients who make my job totally worth while. First one is a vibrant Canadian who always brings a smile to my face & a laugh to my heart. She is spunky & has the most contagious laugh. The stories she tells are never dull. I always look forward to our encounters. Her daughter is just as lively & people around her can't help but  smile & laugh. Another of my favorite families... to start with, the boys are so incredibly polite. Their mom is undoubtedly one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. She is not only beautiful outside, but she also has one of the most contagious smiles around. She is the epitome of grace & beauty but also is one tough cookie. She is active duty Navy... God Bless her & I am convinced this is one of the reasons I like her so much... She is a firefighter supporter. So much respect goes out to her. She is the real Wonder Woman/ GI Jane! Love it! In fact, when I think about people asking me what celebrities I am looking to to get my inspiration to continue my journey of getting healthy, I realized that I never looked to any celebrities for motivation. Every time this woman comes in, I realize more & more how much she inspires me. She is beautiful, healthy & happy & REAL!!! That is what I want for my life.