It would seem to me that, just when things seem to look up, there is always something from the past that awakens. My prayer is that we have good and holy influences in our lives; that we are on the path God has intended for us; that we continue to move forward on our path. My prayer is plain gratitude for all the things God has blessed us with: family and friends, both new, and old.
Faith comes from the very heart of the Blessed Trinity... as does love. I feel that since I have grown in my Faith & my prayer life & spiritual life, things have come to pass effortlessly & seamlessly. My desire to know more & learn more, has stemmed from a deeper love and appreciation for my Faith. That, in turn has given me a different outlook on things. For instance, a future spouse... after reading First Comes Love by Scott Hahn, I added the virtue of wisdom to my prayer list... the wisdom to surrender the process to God, in its entirety. When I signed up for Catholic Match the second time, I did it because I felt that God was telling me I needed adult interaction with like minded people... people of the same Faith with similar morals & values. &, along the way, if God sees fit, maybe he will place a special someone in my path. I have learned that I am okay by myself, and that, yes, it would be wonderful to share this crazy thing we call life with someone, but, it isn't worth it to share a life with a someone who isn't that one someone. So, resignation to the will of God, in addition to prayer & increasing my adult interaction, is what I will be working towards.
I seem to do this a lot... Begin a post & then not get to completing it... :) the life of a mother, I suppose.
I do find a little irony in the title, as the past was just brought up with someone I was chatting with tonight. The context is that I asked about past love. The response I got was he had never discussed in detail about his past loves; that it couldn't be discussed, good or bad for the honor of a woman. I immediately felt as if I had offended by the reaction I got, or lack thereof, even before he responded. I apologized for overstepping.
As for the title of this post... I believe that our past serves a purpose, if only to teach a lesson, if we are willing to learn it... & I believe it will continue to come back to haunt us until we can learn whatever it is we are intended to learn. I think it is an incredible gift to be able to have the past to use as a reference guide. It makes us who we are. All of our experiences in life mold us into who we are; what we value; what our passions are; what our dreams and wishes are. How we handle our past can shape our future. We can become bitter and untrusting. We can become grateful. We can become couraegous and brave or timid and fearful. We can choose to play the victim or we can rise above it & be a victor. We can give up or we can persevere. We can have Faith or we can despair.
So, when it comes to my past, how I view it is that it has molded me into the person I am today. If I regreted or changed one thing, I wouldn't be the same person that I am today. I don't want to hide any of it, because although I made many poor decisions, again, I am who I am because of those poor decisions. I share my story with people because, in some way, maybe I can help someone else with my story and my past. If I could save someone from some of the choices I made that hurt myself & others, then I am grateful. I choose to embrace the lessons from my past, but to release the past itself.
Now, even more importantly, as I have been praying & surrendering to God's will in my life when it comes to marriage, I have come to see the importance of beginning any potential new relationship by getting all the heavy details out of the way first. I do feel like the past is part of the heavy details that should be discussed. For me, it is important that anyone who I enter into a relationship with, is aware of everything about me. If I can't discuss these things with them, especially the difficult things, then I don't think it is the right relationship. Sharing something so deep with someone gives insight into who is real and who isn't; who will be there through anything & who will run as fast as they can the other direction. As far as discernment, most especially with my babes, I think that giving every possible detail I can & getting the same in return, is the only option I have. I can't enter into a romantic relationship without having full disclosure. It would be most unwise to begin a relationship with someone who didn't know all the details of my past, and vice versa.
So, again, back to the conversation I had tonight about past loves... at this juncture in my life, on a friendship level, I can completely respect the decision not to discolse past love details and, on a friendship level, it may have been presumptuous of me to assume it was a question that was not off limits to ask. So, for that I am terribly sorry. Lesson learned.
And for me, as I sit here, able to reflect on my many lists, I am now able to add another thing to it... my list of things that are important in a spouse, that is... full and complete transparency in all things, past, present, and to come.
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