Jumbled

So many thoughts race through my head still. Let me start off by first saying that I am beyond grateful for such an amazing daughter. Not sure what I have done to deserve her, but I love her with all that I am. I don't ever want to take for granted the truly incredible gift I have been given. I see her & I thank God every day. She is such a comfort through all of this. I see her & all seems as though it will be alright. Miya, You are the reason for all that I do. You make me want to be the very best person that I can be. I want to instill in you so many things.

Above all, I want you to know that we are only in control of our own actions & we cannot change anyone but ourselves. People are so quick to judge a situation that they no nothing of or only small amounts of the entire picture. It truly causes such craziness & chaos. I miss your papa even more than I let on to most. I wish he could remember back to all the times I've been telling you about & I wish he could see I never wanted to change him. I love him. He is such a unique & amazing man in so many ways. =) He has this incredible knack for wearing his heart on his sleeve when it comes to his friends & family. He will do anything for you to help you get on track. We used to spend nearly every waking hour we could on the phone & we often would fall asleep on the phone together. When we first got back in touch, he used to tell me he never slept so good as when we would talk & fall asleep together. I know it was a breath of fresh air to be able to talk to someone about anything & everything. I miss that terribly. He used to send me pictures of flowers every day when he went off to school in Virginia. He always wants to fix everyone else's problems & often times, he does. Now I am rambling. Back on point... Before we ever even spoke of children, we both agreed we wanted different for our children than the dysfunction we endured growing up. And back to saying we can only change ourselves... We make the best decisions we can based on the information we have at the time. & when that information changes, we adapt & change if necessary. The reason I did what I did, was based on the experiences I had & the knowledge I had at the time. As much as it killed me to have that order placed, I did it because I couldn't risk anything happening to you. The reason I changed my mind is because I was given new information that indicates that your papa would never physically hurt you. When I made up my mind not to go to court, it was for a few different reasons. The main reason is because I remember more than what my mom & dad realize & my situation damaged me until I was nearly 20 years old. I couldn't allow that to happen to you. As I said, we want different for you & I have to prove that by my actions, not just my wishes & words. I don't ever want you to feel like I felt in any way. That would just kill me. So, I adapted my actions based on the new information I was given. Your papa can see you whenever he pleases.

As for the rest of the situation, I have every faith in the world that God has a plan & that everything is going to work out the way it is intended. I still have some thoughts on the subject, based on the current information I have. To begin, I have received a few messages since sending my previous email. It makes my heart sad to think he can't see how much I truly love him, even still. He seems to be convinced that I am not happy & need to find my happiness in one instance & the very next he says he needs to clear his head & figure himself out. One minute he says he wants his family back, the next, he is saying he wouldn't be a man if he left his mom at this stage in life. One minute, Post Falls is a good move, the next, it's not for anyone but myself because I gave up a $17/ hour job... I could continue on & on with examples like this, however, I think the picture is clear. I haven't really responded because I pretty much said everything I feel in the very first email. To recap, I love him & yes, I want my family back, including him, however, it is most definitely going to take time & presently, the main priority should be our sweet and incredible daughter. I am moving to Post Falls as I currently have no money & job & could find no one to watch our sweet girl so I could go back to work. Post Falls will give us a chance to rebuild... I have some support in the form of mainly Miya's amazing godparents, Mike & Erin. We have her grandparents, Joe & Sheri... who have been incredibly supportive & understanding through this past month, & they will be right there in town. Plus, all our other amazing friends & surrogate family. & an added bonus, getting to raise Miya Catholic & not just in name. & another added bonus... I get to practice my massage therapy! Proof that when one door closes, another opens, (or a window is left cracked =)).

Something I find a little frustrating is that for someone who claims to know me so well, & who generally does, he can forget all he knows about me & say things like he hopes I find my happiness. What he doesn't realize is, he did make me happy or I wouldn't have stayed in the relationship & the reason I want to start from square one is because of how much I value it & how much I love him & how I want to provide our daughter with the very best & most solid foundation possible. She deserves that from us & more. & I think we deserve it as well. However, from some of the emails, I am not sure what he really wants. I know what I want, but it will only work if the other party wants the same.