A Letter...

Here I sit trying to collect my thoughts. Not too sure how well I'm doing with it though. All I can really say is I love you & Peanut with all that I am. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out how we got here. I keep going back to all the things we spoke about before Peanut was ever a reality. We both agreed we didn't want to raise our children in the dysfunction we were raised in. Part of that dysfunction includes the way we treat each other & that includes how we speak to each other... not just the tone of voice, but the words we choose & the things we do. I know you must be terribly angry & hurt & confused about why I had the order placed. First & foremost, for Peanut's safety. Back in October, we agreed this stuff can't keep happening & here we are. I felt that since you wouldn't listen to anything I had to say, it was really the only option I had left. Your spirals are increasing & you don't even see it. You claim to be happy, but you have so much pent up anger & I am afraid that if you get as mad as you were before Peanut was here, I don't know what you are capable of. You still don't even see that your spiral already put Peanut & I at risk, before she was even here. That was what the midwives were trying to tell you... that I was in danger of being preeclamptic, but all you could see is how you were wronged or why you were mad. I understand that, but it still doesn't justify the fact that you were taking it out on me. Then, your driving... 50 in a 25 zone with Peanut & myself in the car... that is again potentially putting us at risk & you didn't care when I asked you to slow down. I based my decision off of previous experiences with you & off of what you told me. You told me a few times that you got physical with your bio dad & the fact that you have been talking more violently about breaking things & throwing things through windows & smashing holes in walls & suicide, I can't allow Peanut to be around that. Your view of violence is clouded if you think that it's alright to name call & threaten things like calling CPS. For one, you know I am a damn good mother. I may have a lot to learn still, but you even told me that a few days prior to all the crap that happened. It doesn't matter if they are just words. & if they are just words then why do you write people off so quickly when they don't share your opinion? Again, going back to the things we said and agreed on when we spoke of how we were going to raise our kids... if we don't stop this cycle, that is what Peanut is going to grow up thinking is alright. I know that I don't want her to think that is normal & okay behavior.
I didn't do this because it was what I wanted. I love you & only want you to get help. That is why I tried to show you the video the night before. It kills me to see the man I love look at me with such anger & resentment. & that is another reason I did the only thing I felt I could do, since you didn't want to get help. My deepest fear since March has been to see that look in your face again because I don't know where it could have led had I not given birth when I did. & I worry that if you look at me that way, what happens if you look at Peanut & see me in her? There are too many things I am uncertain of.
You then refused to help with rent, ultimately leaving us homeless, just as you had been saying you feared. I do understand your fears & don't think you are the only one who has them. The difference is that you are used to doing things spur of the moment, but we have a baby now. We need to plan & weigh our options. You jumped the gun and assumed I was just sitting here at home having a grand old time doing nothing but watching Peanut. That wasn't the case. I was actively looking into all options, including the subject of moving to Bellingham to be closer to your job. As we had discussed a few nights before which you seemed to understand & be alright with, I had until the 21st to decide if I was going back to work & also, I was looking into seeing what would be required to break the lease without being penalized & so we could get the deposit back & such. If you had waited just a little longer instead of coming home lashing out, you would have known that I was already working on these things. You make it difficult to talk to because you don't ever listen. You speak your mind, & often much of it is just assumptions. & the fact that I told you I couldn't trust you is because one day you say everything is great & you're happy & love us & the next, you are mad at me & blaming me again for the past & you still fail to see the part you played in it. You get stuck on one thing without taking into account the entire picture.
I was also so sad to hear you quit a job you said you loved & could see a future doing. I got out of the court room & heard your message about the counselor & really hoped that you would go, but then I heard you say that if the counselor said it was you, that you'd bow out gracefully... not even a mention that you would get help & that is all I have wanted.
You lately say repeatedly that you have no idea what I want... it is simple. That has never changed. I just want OUR family!!! I had that... just like we spoke about before Miya. A simple life with you & our children... working towards getting to our dome home & property & garden, etc...
I have been going through so many emotions the past week and a half... I feel like my heart has been shattered in a million pieces, I feel angry & sad that you aren't here when you should be. Then I think about the toxic people you are turning to who are giving you all this horrific advice. The fact that you would turn to your mom & drug user dad when you have a stable dad there for you. & you can't see they are feeding your paranoia. For instance, with the whole singles site & asking your bio dad for help after he told you point blank to ditch the broad & baby & also to go kill yourself. & you are trying to convince me that I am the one who needs help. If I thought for one second that I was going to hurt my daughter, you better believe that I would be the first one to say come take her from me because the last thing i would ever want to do is harm her in any way.
Right wrong or indifferent, I just want my family back... ALL of my family... & that includes you! You are a huge part of that & I love you. I wish you knew how much. For all the times you have told me I am being coached by my friends, I wish you could see that I am still here. I have not gone anywhere.
Do you remember back in October when we discussed the possibility of you having Bipolar Disorder? Do you remember what you asked me? You asked me if that would change things between us. My answer is the same. We deal with it & I am not going anywhere, but the dysfunction has to stop! You always say you don't need help & that I am all you need, but we see where that got us. & now, this has to be about Peanut & doing right by her. She needs you in her life! She needs you happy & healthy & not resentful & angry & bitter.
I am also hurt that you could ever think that I would EVER talk down to her about you! You are her father & she was conceived out of love... Love that I still have for you. & even if I didn't, I would still never talk bad to her about you. She hears about you every day. I tell her stories about when we got back in touch & the things we used to talk about... family & our hopes & dreams. & I tell her as she looks at me wondering why Mama is crying... I tell her I miss her Papa & that it's okay to be sad. & we talk to her Uncle Jeremiah & her Great Grandpas & Grandmas & ask them to look out for you & bring you home healthy & happy & safe & at peace.
I am concerned that you don't see that the people you are getting advice from are only feeding into your paranoia right now. Your mom being the worst one & you don't even see it because she validates everything you say & makes it all my fault.
I have never & will never play games. It's not my style. Playing with someone, especially their heart strings, is most definitely not my style & I don't find anything humorous about it.
I was paid a big compliment by Joe tonight. He told me I was good for you& he said when he met me I seemed to be the answer to his prayers for you... that you find someone good for you. I think you are your own worst enemy. You can't see that I am happy with you. Of course, the past few months have been a bit rough, however, my love for you hasn't changed. As I said from day one, I only want for you to be happy. & part of that happiness is that I want for you to be entirely healthy & at peace. I still think you are your own worst enemy sometimes when it comes to that. =) Peanut definitely gets that from you.
You painted me to be this horrible crazy lady on facebook not just once, but multiple times & for the first time, I really get it. As both of the counselors agreed on this issue, it is a big one! If we are to work through this stuff, we must leave our issues off facebook! & the name calling on any level must stop!
I take pictures every day. I feel like I am just rambling now. My thoughts are so mixed up & all over the place. I need to get to bed. I haven't been sleeping much.
I hope you get this & I hope to get a reply.
Know that we love you more than ever & you are never far from our hearts & thoughts.