It has been quite some time since I have been able to sit & write to you, Sweet Baby Girl. You are here & are going on 7 weeks old! <3 Let me begin by saying that you are the single most incredible & amazing experience of my entire life, from conception to labor & delivery... The entire experience was just incredible & I love you beyond what any words could ever describe. I look at you & see how perfect & strong & beautiful & independent you already are & it truly overwhelms me to think that you were inside me growing & I had your little heart beating in my body. =) You are already so independent & stronger than I could have ever imagined. In some ways, that makes me so happy & in others, it makes me sad to think of how I know this. for someone who is just shy of 7 weeks old, you have already been through more than I would ever care to admit.
So, the title of this blog... I am hoping to convey to you all the emotions that I have experienced recently & why. The love is because of you. I see you & I can feel your love & I hope to God that you know there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. I love you so much! You deserve a life full of all good things. I see you & how sweet & innocent you are & I know I can't keep you that way & protect you from all that life will throw @ you, but I pray that I give you the best fighting chance I can, so that you make your life what you want it to be & never regret it.
The peace I feel is hinged so much on all the things that life threw at you before you were ever even here, At some times, it seemed as though the odds were stacked against us in some ways, yet here you are perfect & so content & good natured. I am at peace knowing that you were seemingly unaffected by all the chaos the occured while you were waiting to make your appearance. & even more at peace to hear the docs tell me you are quite literally 'practically perfect'.
The joy I feel is in seeing that you are such a miracle in so many ways. You have brought some sort of peace to your Papa. & as for your "Bampa", he couldn't be more in love with you. I get to experience a new side to him that I have never seen. I see you & I also know you are the very best parts of me & your Papa. I am reminded of the reasons I love your Papa & that makes me happy. =D
Gratitude... this seems never ending. Every day I tell you "thank you for picking me to be your Mama & I love you more & more than I ever imagined possible." I am grateful to Deva for her wisdom & friendship because every time I see you I think about how perfect you are & that validates that the things I did were best for us. I am grateful for your Godmama & your Aunt Kiki for all they have done to help support us & bring you into this world happy & healthy & safe & peaceful. Without them, I think I would never have found my strength at times.
Anger... I get angry because your Papa is truly sick & he can't see how much he is missing out on you... his little piece of an incredible miracle. I get angry at the thought of what he has put you through. I have to remember that he isn't doing it because he chooses to, he is truly sick. That does help to some degree but it's a small consolation compared to the things you have already had to experience.
Sorrow... my heart hurts, especially now that your Papa is truly missing out on you. I am sad that I felt like the only way to protect you was to have him out of your life until he gets help & you are safe. I am sad that he is putting you through this. I am sad that we couldn't do more to help, but I am also realistic enough to know what we can handle & most especially that things aren't going to change until he acknowledges he is sick.
The fear I have is at not knowing when he is going to spiral or what is going to set him off. I fear what he may do to you when he is in one of these rants, most especially because I have seen him look at me with such anger & resentment & bitterness & rage. I can't help but fear the possibilities of you being put at risk in any way. I would die if I could have prevented something but didn't.
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