A Fresh Start

Divorce papers have officially been filed! It is a huge weight off my shoulders. You know, I was recently asked if I had any regrets. My answer is no. I was also recently asked if I was still hung up on Dave. My answer is also no. The thing I have realized is that there is a monumental difference between loving someone & being in love. I absolutely can say with certainty that I loved Dave, but I was definitely not in love with him.  Do I have any regrets or would I change a thing? Absolutely not! If I change anything about my life, then I lose a part of who I am today.
On the same subject of fresh starts, This is something I haven't really been able to put into words or express yet, but I am going to attempt it. LOVE... yes, i know, but once again, I am going to try. I was asked if I was serious & what I was looking for. First question of if I am serious... YES! Absolutely! I have taken the plunge. I don't take this subject lightly & would never pull on anyone's heart strings for fun. Initially, I felt as though I needed to wait until I got all my shit together. By this, I mean finalizing the divorce & getting my high school diploma & getting to my healthy weight, figuring out exactly where I am truly headed. The thing I realize is that love just happens. it doesn't wait for when you are "ready". Somewhere down the line, between the focus on myself & getting back to me & obtaining my goals & making new goals, I fell hard & fast. Mike was completely unexpected. I had no idea I was going to fall for this man the way I have. He was my breath of fresh air. He gave me the push I needed in so many ways. He pointed out things I had forgotten & challenged me the exact way I need to be challenged. Most of all, he allows me to be me... unapologetically me with all my quirks & oddities. He has shown me unconditional love before he ever said the words. He gave me a comfort & peace I hadn't felt in so long. As for what I am looking for, I wasn't even aware I was looking. It just fell into my lap. That one act expanded my horizons again & made me realize that not only is it okay to be simply me, but I have more potential that I haven't even tapped into yet. I can reach beyond the stars & I can achieve anything I set my mind to. As for the second part of the question of what am I looking for? Nothing that I was aware of, but I found it anyways. A few months ago, I sat down & made a small list of things that I knew that I wanted when I was ready to move on. I will copy that list & post it here: Someone with strong moral & religious convictions. Someone who is honest & reliable. He must be trustworthy & open. He must be respectful & confident, faithful & kindhearted. He should be motivated & open. I think he should be someone who challenges me & gives me mental stimulation & who enjoys debate. He should appreciate me for me, not want to change me. He should be genuine & self sufficient. I want a partner, not a child. I want someone who appreciates life the way I do & who won't take anything for granted. I want someone who will encourage me not dissuade me from becoming a better person. In a relationship, I want someone who inspires me & motivates me to be a better person  & I would hope he would want the same from me. I feel that we should both be able to grow as individuals & as a couple. We should have similar interests to some degree... like being active & loving to learn & music & wanting to do things together. I want someone who is content to just be with me... whether its sitting at home talking & spending a quiet night together or going out. I want to know that I bring them the same peace & happiness that they bring to me. I want to feel safe, like no matter what life throws in our path, that we can handle it... TOGETHER! I want to know that they accept the things I believe & that they don't want to change my mind on those things. I think the occasional gift is nice, such as flowers or a romantic night out, but these things are just an added bonus. I think that they should show they love me & appreciate me every day, not just on a special occasion or holiday or anniversary.
Well, that's what I came up with thus far.
& now back to LOVE... You know, I was recently told that a part of me hadn't let go of my first love. Romantically, I had my closure, however looking back, I gave the relationship more power than I would have admitted previously. By this, I mean that in a lot of ways, I was always measuring my other relationships to this one. Years ago, I felt that this relationship was the most genuine & the most real & also that I didn't deserve to be loved so unconditionally, so, when I got into other relationships, I always set the bar for what I felt that I deserved. I was in relationships that were completely unhealthy. I was in mentally abusive relationships where the guy told me I was shit & he would openly cheat on me, telling me there was nothing I could do about it & I stayed in it because that was what I felt I deserved. I was in relationships for nothing other than spite & rebellion. Then I finally married, thinking that my idea of love was right & that there was no difference between love & being in love.
Enter Mike... I don't even know where to begin. We've known each other for quite some time, yes, however, we've only recently gotten to really get to know each other. In that time, I have grown by leaps & bounds as is obvious by everyone who sees me regularly. I can't pinpoint when or how things happened. All I can say is that I have fallen head over heels for him & that I am truly & madly in love with him! Something I realized today in talking to William, the lovely owner of the Local Grown Coffee Shop in Coupeville, is that for once in my life I am not comparing this relationship to anything in my past. It is now the bar for what I compare other things to. I didn't know it was possible to feel this deep or love this much.  This relationship is so different from any other in so many ways. First of all, Mike is the only person I have ever admitted I loved.I have told others I loved them, but not before they have said it first. Of course, I am terrified of all the things that this means... I have dove face first... leaped without the net. I have no idea what comes next, but I can say that I can see a future with this man! Whatever happens, I just don't want to have regrets. I don't have a clue where this is headed, but I want to get the opportunity to find out. I want to know that I truly lived & loved without fear holding me back. If I am reading the cards wrong & we aren't intended for each other, I know that any other relationship will be measured by the standards he has set. I will accept nothing less.
On a side note, Mike is also growing & changing is so many ways. He was accepted into school for Aviation Mechanics & now that he is actually there, I am so thrilled for him! I love seeing the changes in him. He is like a little boy with a new toy. Soo excited & it shows. I have no doubt he loves me, however, I do occasionally wonder whether I am good for him. I wonder if I am going to distract him from accomplishing his goals or whether our relationship is going to hold him back from some other great experience. He's going through just as many life changes as I am & I would hate to know that in some way I held him back. I suppose all this goes back to the jumping without the net. I know that he will always be open & hoenst with me & so, with that in mind, I lay my worries aside. I do know that we will always remain the best of friends if nothing else & that right there makes everything else seem so small.