Time for reflection...
I woke this morning to the sunrise and a serene house, as babes were still sleeping. I decided I might try to got to Mass and leave babes with Elise as they were still passed out. I was eager to be able to sit in the actual pews instead of the cry room for a change. Well, I zipped out the door to make it to 545 Mass only to find the doors still locked. I sat there and eventually the doors were unlocked, however, after glancing at the bulletin, it said there was no 545 Mass today. So I went in to say a Rosary and to sit with Our Lord for a short while. It's amazing how much a quick one on one visit with Our Lord can do, most especially with no distractions!
Today, mostly I kneeled and listened more than speaking, aside from saying a Rosary. We all know that if I an engrossed in stimulating, intelligent conversation, I can go on for days, however, I didn't want to chat. I simply wanted to be... to be grateful, to be in the BEST of company most especially. That time couldn't have been more perfect.
On the way home, it occured to me that although I have said it before, it bears repeating... I am truly blessed beyond belief! My littles, in spite of what we have been through, are thriving in such a positive manner. I look around and see how much worse off we could be and realize just how truly blessed we are. I have always tried to look at life with an attitude of gratitude, however, today I realized that for all the gratitude I have, I still beat myself up regularly about my babes... I second guess if I am on the path God has intended for us, I beat myself up about not not being able to provide babes with a better life, I wonder about what sort of effect me being mom and dad will have on them. I wonder if all the priests and my friends are right about telling me I need to find a good and holy man for us who will be a virtuous and upright person, loving and accepting of all of us. I beat myself up over the times I respond out of frustration or anger. I feel like the worst parent alive. Here I am trying to teach my children how to deal with their emotions in a constructive and positive way and I respond by getting angry and raising my voice. I am punishing them for being human... for having a fit about soemthing, when the reality is, we all have our fits. I finally realized that the way I respond to these instances is what makes or breaks the situation. The fact that both babes are overall, very secure is a sign that I must be doing something right. I tend to forget that, although I may stsrive for perfection, I am not there yet. I will stuble and I will fall, but, the example I set for them is what really counts. I get back up and keep moving forward. I apologize hundreds of times a day. Teaching them that their thoughts and feelings matter, as do everyone's, and teaching them that there are always choices and always consequences for those choices, is what I forget that I have done right.
So, today, I will focus not on the things I do wrong, but the fact that I learn and keep getting back up. I will show my littles by my choice to keep moving forward, that mistakes happen, but what counts is how we handle them. I will show them that love is all encompassing, it isn't just when we have a good day. I will show them that we all must take ownership and responsibility for the choices we make. Today, I will embrace my imperfections as blessings sent to teach me. Today, I will take more time to teach and less to scold. Today, I will take more time to remember to give grace, most expecially to myself, for my shortcomings.
No comments:
Post a Comment